"Character speech"

'Character Thought'

"Boxy Brown speech"

"Demon/Inner Sakura speech"

'Demon/Inner Sakura Thought'

"Oh yeah..." Carl said sensually, his eyes never leaving the porno magazine he held oh so dearly. "Yeah, baby, take it off." His hands slowly crept down and as he grasped his blue sweat pants, a loud knock was heard.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

"Hey, Carl, wassup, buddy? Open the door!" 'Dammit, it's the fricken' cup again' "Piss off, you freak! I'm busy!" This didn't seem to faze Shake as he just continued knocking. "But it's really important, something's happened!" "Dammit..." Carl whispered to himself, tossing his beloved pornography aside, he made his way to the door.

"Hey, Carl! What took you?" Shake inquired. 'Fricken' dumbass.' Carl thought. "Just tell me what the hell's so important to take me away from Miss November?!" Carl snapped, Shake lead him to his car, or at least what remained of his car.

Ruined was an understatement, it was completely fucked up. He couldn't even make out the graphics. "What the hell did you do?!" Carl screamed at Shake. "Look, calm down, Carl. I'm confused too, let's figure out who did this together, remember, I'm a detective!"

Carl didn't look any happier, in fact, he looked even more pissed. "First of all, you haven't done any detective work for seven fricken' years, and second of all I wouldn't work with you if you were the last 'whatever the hell you are' on earth!" Carl abruptly left and slammed the door behind him. "Geez, what's got him in such a bad mood?" Shake asked to himself.

"Damn, fricken' cup!" Carl muttered. "Why the hell does all this shit happen to me?!" The Wife-beater clad man grumbled and went to pick up his porno magazine. "What the hell is that light?" A light, so bright, was shining outside of his window. "What the hell is that?" Carl opened his window, a decision he would very soon regret. "Wait, wha-" That was all he managed to say as he was sucked into the seemingly never ending vortex of light.

Konohagakure no Sato

It was a lovely fall morn, another peaceful day at Konoha. Uzumaki Naruto, a young academy student, was busily making work of his beloved miso ramen. Donned in his usual orange and blue jumpsuit, his sun kissed hair shining in the sunlight.

"Two more bowls, Oyaji!"

"Comin' right up."

The elderly ramen cook and his daughter busily started making ramen for their number-one customer. "Here you go." Without a word said, Naruto dug into his ramen, not even leaving a moment to swallow, just inhaling it like there was no tomorrow.

BANG!

Both bowls fell over and broke. Total silence overcame the small ramen booth, Naruto sat motionlessly staring at the spot where his beloved ramen fell. Balling his fists in anger, the young jinchuuriki snapped, "What the FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!" His scream could be heard all over the village.

Hastily making his way to the source of the noise, Naruto was angry pissed. Whoever interupted his ramen binge deserved a royal ass kicking, delivered by the one and only Uzumaki Naruto, when he finally arrived, what he saw shocked him. Standing there was a bald, hairy, over-weight and extremely angry man. Placing his hands on his hips, Carl was NOT pleased.

"Where the hell am I?!!" Carl screamed, anger getting the best of him, which was a pretty damn common thing for Carl to do. He then set his eyes on Naruto. "Now who the hell are you?" Naruto was taken back by the question at first, but then suddenly exclaimed, "Uzumaki Naruto, future hokage, dattebayo!" A raised eyebrow was his first response.

"Hokage? What the shit are you talkin' about?"

"The Hokage is the best ninja in the village, he makes all the decisions in the village and he demands all the re-" Carl cut him off mid-rant (A/N: I don't even know if that's a real phrase, XD)

"Ninja? Listen kid, I don't know what the hell you're babblin' about, but can you just tell me where the hell I am?!" Naruto sheepishly scratched the back of his head, and chuckled nervously. "Oh sorry 'bout that, you're in Konohagakure no sato."

"Kono-what? Listen, kid. Just tell me how to get back to fricken' Jersey!" "Jer-sey..? What's a 'Jer-sey'?" Carl rubbed his brow in frustration. 'Oh, dammit!' "Jersey! New fricken' Jersey! It's a state." Naruto just looked even more confused. "In the U.S, you know? America?" The orange clad boy just scratched his head in awkward silence. 'Fricken' dumb asses, everywhere I go, I'm surrounded by a bunch of fricken' dumb asses!' Sighing in frustration, Carl got into his 'thinking pose', he would have to contemplate his next move very carefully, he didn't want to do anything stupid, lest he get killed, mutilated or skinned by talking trees again. 'Maybe the dumb ass can help me out of here, he sure as hell don't look dangerous.'

"Okay, just take me to your leader, or whatever."

The Sandaime was not a happy man, stuck in a gruesome battle of life and death between a kage's worst enemy, paperwork, every brain cell the old Sandaime possesed was desperately screaming, 'Kill me!'. Sarutobi furrowed his brow in frustration. 'Why the hell did I take this job...' Taking out a kunai, he slowly inched the blade closer to his heart. 'Here goes nothing!' Just as the kunai made contact with his skin, the door barged open. "Jiji!" Sarutobi fell off his chair in surprise, is kunai sliding away to the other side of the room.

'Fuck me.'

"Naruto, you almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. This guy wants to talk to you." Naruto pointed to Carl, whose hands were suspiciously close to Naruto's neck. Spending 20 minutes alone with Naruto was almost torture, especially if you were Carl Brutananadilewski.

"Okay... hoka- whatever the hell you are, where the frick am I?" Sarutobi was taken back by his abruptness, but complied none the less. "Well, you're in Konohagakure no Sato, a ninja village located in Hi no Kuni. It's odd you don't know this, have you experienced memory loss of some kind?"

"No I haven't lost my fricken' memory! I'm from New Jersey for God's sake, what the hell is Hi no Kuni?!"

"Oh, kami, this is gonna be a long day..."

To say Carl wasn't pleased was like saying Satan was only an eensy bit evil. He was downright pissed. Ninja villages, Hi no- whatever the hell it was. This place was almost as fucked up as his old neighborhood. Note, almost as fucked up.

"Okay, so what was your name again?" "It's Carl." Sarutobi took another puff of his pipe and exhaled deeply. 'Carl, what a strange name.' "Hmm, Carl, where do you hail from?" Scratching his ass, Carl said exasperatedly, "New Jersey, N-E-W fricken' Jersey!"

'New Jersey, huh?' Sarutobi stood up, looking out the window, a thoughtful expression plastered on his face. "New Jersey, I don't believe I've ever heard of such a place..." "It's located in America, the land of freedom, turkeys and fricken' hooters! You know what I'm sayin'?!" Raising an eyebrow inquisitively, Sarutobi replied, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

Carl just sighed in defeat. "Okay, hokage man, I understand now that wherever the hell I am, it's not fricken' earth, so can you just, fricken' show me a place where I can live, or something? At least I finally made the move." Carl said the last part under his breath, too quiet for Sarutobi to pick up on. "Hm, very well. Naruto, would you mind letting Carl stay with you?" Naruto grinned. "Sure thing, Jiji! You can count on me, dattebayo!" 'Oh god, I have to live with the orange freak?! DAMN IT!'

Walking down the busy streets of Konoha, Naruto was busily explainig everything he saw to Carl, much to his chagrin. Resisting every urge to kill the blond ninja, Carl was very much regretting not having his shotgun on him when he got sucked into the, as he dubbed it, "Freak Hole".

"And that, my friend, is the great Ichiraku Ramen! Come on, you should have a taste!" Before he could make a reply, Carl was dragged into the stand, surprised by the strength the little bastard possessed.

"Oi, Oyaji! Can I have three bowls of Miso ramen?! Oh, and what do you want?" Carl just looked at him. "What the hell is ramen?!" (A/N: I know ramen exists in the real world, but I doubt Carl's ever had any of the stuff.) Naruto scratched his head sheepishly.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you're from another world or something. Just have a miso." Carl was about to detest, but Naruto ordered another Miso ramen, before the poor bald man could do anything.

5 minutes later...

"Here you go, Naruto, who's your friend here?" The elderly ramen cook, Teuchi, inquired, a look of genuine curiosity on his face. "He ain't my friend." Carl muttered. "Oh, his name is Carl, he's from anther world or something, it's complicated, I guess." Teuchi just scratched his head in confusion, "From another... world?" "Yeff, hesh like really different and shtuff." Naruto said, face full of ramen.

Carl just hit him across the back of the head. "I'm different? Look who's talking you damn freak!" Naruto rubbed his head and chuckled nervously. "Heh, heh, No offense." Carl Just sighed and decided to eat some of his 'ramen' or whatever they called it, hey it was food, it couldn't be that bad.

"Hey, this stuff ain't bad." Carl started eating more, and before long he was eating at a rate that rivaled Naruto's. "Woah, thish shtuff ish fricken' good!" After finishing his bowl, Carl set his sights upon Ayame, Teuchi's young daughter. "Hey, baby. How's about takin' my order... IN MY FRICKEN' PANTS, YEAH!"

SLAP!

Next thing Carl knew, he was on the ground, face full of gravel, and a very sore, red cheek. "HENTAI!" Teuchi was struggling to hold his daughter back from unleashing her feminine fury all over Carl. As they say, hell hath no fury over a woman scorned. Naruto just stood there shocked and speechless. 'I had no idea Ayame-neechan could be so scary.'

After a rather painful meal at the ramen stand, Carl was laying on naruto's couch, an icepack resting on his cheek. "Oh god, the pain." Carl didn't understand it, he'd been slapped plenty of times, and it never hurt this fricken' much. Were all women in this universe super strong or something? "Oi, Carl, It's getting pretty late, I'm gonna go to bed, I need to get up early to pull off this prank I've been preparin'!"

"A prank...?" "Yeah, I'm gonna paint all over the hokage monuments, won't it be awesome!" Carl just muttered something under his breath that sounded something along the lines of, "fricken' idiot.". Naruto put on his nightcap and bid Carl goodnight. "Yeah, goodnight... Jackass." Carl said, muttering the last part.

'Tommorow's gonna be a long day.'

Carl was woken up to a loud, "NARUTO!". Springing up from the couch, he decided to check out what the little bastard had gotten himself into now. Running out of the house he saw Naruto, being chased by a bunch of weird guys wearin' the strangest clothes he'd ever seen.

Besides the orange jumpsuit that the freak wore, but he had gotten used to that. What really amazed Carl was the speed they were going. "What the hell? How are they goin' so fricken' fast?"

"Ha, ha, too easy!" Naruto boasted cockily. "Oi, Naruto!" Naruto jumped into the air in surprise. "What are you doing all of a sudden, Iruka-sensei?"

"What are you doing during class?"