I am using the opportunity of a new chapter to sort the loops a bit. The numbers show the order in which the loops were written.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction written as a homage to the original works. No claim of ownership of Ranma 1/2 or other copyrighted works is intended.
Ranma's FUBARed Loops
1
Ranma couldn't stand it anymore. Not only did he discover that this time he was a girl cursed to become a boy, but this...
"Your problem's not so bad," said Soun, patting him - since he was currently in his "cursed" form - on the back, "these are my three sons: Mousse, age 19, Tatewaki, age 17, and Ryoga, age 16. Pick one and he will be your fiancé."
Yes, it was definitely loop-restarting time.
9
Ranma had learned a great many things during the time-loops and most of them had been a secret to him in his original life, either because they had been deliberately hidden or simply because he hadn't noticed them before. One of the latter secrets was Kasumi's intense dislike of lizards. There was no great mystery or horrible personal experience behind this, she simply didn't like how they looked and how they moved. When she saw one she would lose her normal composure and chase it ruthlessly out of the house and then return to her angelic behavior. The other Tendos knew about this little quirk and didn't care for it, it was simply as Kasumi had always been. For Ranma on the other hand it was an inspiration.
Destruction reigned as Godzilla trampled down the streets of north-eastern Tokyo. The main character of dozens of movies, manga and anime – normally portrayed by a man in a rubber suit – was suddenly all too real and left chaos and ruins in its wake. Reporters and officials were baffled, but it seemed that everyone had been able to evacuate when they saw the 300 feet tall monster coming from miles away walking in a straight line - only avoiding the skyscrapers like any other animal avoiding stone spires in its way. The army didn't dare to use its heavy weaponry in the middle of the city and waited for it to arrive in an unpopulated area.
The martial artists of Nerima weren't defeated but had been thoroughly ignored when the giant simply walked through their attacks. They were frustrated but glad that the monster had seemingly decided to be content to merely march through the city and only destroy the things it stepped on like the biggest and clumsiest drunk tourist ever. But then the monster had suddenly sniffed the air, shrieked in triumph and bowed down. The martial artists realized what had been at the end of the monster's path: Right under its maw was the Tendo Dojo! Akane fervently hoped that Kasumi had left the house, Soun and Genma feared for the future of the training hall and Nabiki – observing via telescope from outside the city – hoped that her martial artist proof safe was also Godzilla proof and if not, whom could she sue?
The martial artists ran there as fast as they could, Ranma was even carrying Akane because he knew she would protest if he wouldn't let her help her sister, and arrived just in time to be stopped by a deafening noise and to see the giant monster hurtling away. Judging by its trajectory, it wouldn't just fall into the Bay of Tokyo where it had appeared but directly into the Pacific Ocean! Just when the shock had worn off, they saw Kasumi running out of the garden, her hair slightly disheveled and an old dented frying pan in her hand.
"Is the lizard gone?" Kasumi asked. "Did I get it?" The others dumbly nodded. Kasumi straightened herself and her clothes smiling in her usual way. "Oh, that's nice. Would you like to come inside? I made some cookies."
For the rest of the day there were a lot of questions in everyone else's heads: Was Kasumi trained in the lizard-fist? Was her frying pan a ki-weapon? Did Godzilla come here for her cookies? And would it return for them? They all independently decided to walk very softly around her from now on.
Ranma meanwhile had a different mental tally:
One trained lizard to agitate Kasumi at the right time – 20,000 yen.
One fake giant invulnerable (and invisible to Kasumi) lizard created with magic – 30,000,000,000 yen in spell components.
The look on their faces – priceless.
10
It was for once a quiet evening, and the Tendo sisters were sitting in the living room. Akane and Kasumi watched the Martial Arts Cooking game show and enjoyed their tea, while Nabiki examined some of her photos. After a while she noticed that the show was interrupted for ads and decided to ask her sisters for their opinions.
"Hey, you two. What do you make of this." She handed them three of the examined pictures.
"It looks like a shot of the apartment complex east of the school. That part looks like the corner of the school building." Akane said. "What about it?"
"And this is a car in front of the entrance of Nekomimi Park." Kasumi added. "I don't know much about cars, but I think it could be a Corollary."
"That's Corolla." Akane corrected. She peeked over to have a look at the car in question. "But it looks more like an Accord."
"Oh, well, it's an Accord, then. The shot was ruined anyway."
"That's true. And the car is too blurred, so you can't use it for anything." Akane picked up the third picture. "That's the corner of Doragon's Jewelry shop. Looks like you caught someone using a Ki technique. Too bad she was behind the corner."
"A Ki technique?" Kasumi asked interested.
"See? There is this oval yellow light above the gloved hand." Akane explained. "Did you see who it was? I haven't heard of any martial artist wearing gloves in Nerima."
"It looks like a girl's hand."
"I know, but even Kodachi isn't using gloves, so that doesn't help."
"Maybe they are magic gloves. It could be Shampoo."
"Why would she use magic gloves, when everyone can use moves like the shi shi hokodan? And the Amazons should have whole libraries with normal ki moves."
"Everyone can use them, Akane-chan?"
"Yeah! See? Shi shi hokodan!" Akane made the necessary gestures and a very small ball of sickly green energy came out of her hands flying slowly through the air, before it harmlessly dispersed in the middle of the room.
"That was impressive. A wonderful show of control, Akane-chan!" Kasumi beamed.
"Oh, I wasn't depressed at all, that's why it was so small. I am still looking for a variant that I can use, but I don't know which emotion to use. It has to be a very strong emotion and I don't have one."
Her elder sisters let that comment hang in the air and then they both decided that it could stay there.
"Haven't you noticed anything in the other two photos?" Nabiki asked to get the conversation back on track and pointed out a detail in the first picture: "Like that boot?" And then the second picture: "And that head?"
"Well, it's a red bootee with white stripes on the top. And the wearer is running behind the school building." Kasumi answered. "I don't see why it's important, except that it ruins the shot. Not as obvious as the accordeon." "Accord." Akane corrected and Kasumi continued: "The Accord in the other picture, but that's it."
"Did you want to photograph the person in front of the park and the car ruined the shot?" Akane asked.
"Yes, do you recognize the haircut?" Nabiki urged her.
"No, I don't even know any blondes."
"Me neither. My classmate Heiko used to dye her hair, but she stopped last year." Kasumi added.
"And the hairstyle?"
"Pigtails with buns at the top… " Kasumi paused. "I have seen that before, but I just can't put my finger on it…"
"And if you combine that with red boots and white gloves, what do you get?" Nabiki asked impatiently.
"Ooooh. Now I get it!" Akane exclaimed. "She's a Sailor Moon cosplayer. And she is a martial artist with a ki attack. She must be famous!. That's why you made photos of her."
"No! I made photos of her because I think she's Ranma!"
"Ranma?" Akane blinked incredulously. "You mean Ranma is a cosplayer?"
"No, I mean Ranma is Sailor Moon!"
Akane stared at her for a moment and then she burst out laughing. Even Kasumi began to giggle behind her hand. After a while Akane quieted down and wiped the tears out of her eyes.
"That's a good one. Mr. Macho is really the greatest crybaby in anime." She giggled again at the thought of Ranma falling on his knees crying streams of tears.
"I am serious." Nabiki insisted.
"Nabiki-chan," Kasumi said with a wide smile while Akane continued to giggle, "you know that Sailor Moon is a fictional character while Ranma is quite real, even though he is somewhat of a magical girl."
Akane burst out laughing again. "Magical girl!" She howled. "I get it!" Then she was lying on the floor helpless with laughter.
"Then how do you explain this!" Nabiki threw another photo on the table.
Still trying to get a hold of herself, Akane picked it up and Kasumi looked over her shoulder. "Well, that's Ranma's study group. Mineko, Amiki, Reine, and Machi. Yuka has left the group last month and she said he had never tried anything. And it works! His grades are really getting better." But she would never admit that she had asked Yuka to join the group to check on her fiancé, just in case he was bold enough to try and seduce four girls at once.
"Haven't you heard those names before?"
"Of course, I've known them since middle school. They've even been here for some of my birthday parties. Amiki even tried to become a martial artist and joined some beginner's classes." Akane thought about it. "She became a ballet dancer instead."
"That's not what I meant. I am talking about Minako, Ami, Rei, and Makoto."
"I don't know any…" Akane hesitated. "Those are the names of the other sailor senshi, right?"
"The names seem similar, but do they have anything else in common?" Kasumi asked and Nabiki reluctantly shook her head.
"But I've seen her fighting monsters! And Ranma is always coming from the fights!" Nabiki insisted.
"Monsters?" Akane asked. "That's the first time I've heard of any monsters in Nerima. Except for Taro, of course. And the time Mr. Saotome fought Happosai."
"Oh my. Do you have any photos of the monsters, Nabiki-chan?"
"No." Nabiki admitted. "But I've seen them!"
"And why has nobody else seen them?" Akane asked. "Are you sure you haven't dreamed them?"
"Of course I am sure!"
"Then why is this the first time I've heard of them? I haven't even heard of that cosplayer before and someone with her own ki attack has to be famous as a martial artist."
"I haven't heard of any monsters in Nerima either, Nabiki-chan."
"But…"
"Were there any remains of the monster on the scenes of the fight?"
"No."
"Any damages to the area?"
"No, everything was in order."
"Any proof at all?"
"No, but-"
Kasumi sighed. "Maybe you are working too hard in school. All of these dates and letters to your former dates and betting and selling photos of Ranma and everything else…" Kasumi sighed again. "You really should stop some of your activities and get some rest."
"I guess you're right Kasumi." Nabiki admitted. "But I am going to find that cosplayer." She stood up and made to leave. "I will go and get some sleep. Good night."
"Good night, Nabiki."
"Good night, Nabiki-chan."
After Akane had heard the door to Nabiki's room closing she turned to her sister. "Do you think she will be all right?"
"I sure hope so, Akane-chan. But we have to be patient with her now."
Hidden behind the kitchen door, Ranma grinned. His plan to discredit Nabiki was working perfectly. Amazing what you could do with a couple of cardboard cutouts and thin threads. He would never mock Martial Arts Puppetry again! Now he had to motivate her to order her factors to search for Sailor Moon and her monsters to make her look ridiculous in their eyes, too. A battle in front of her open window and a "Moon Tiara" flying in and out of her room should work. He had just to make sure there was no film in Nabiki's camera…
AN: This is a normal Ranma universe loop, Sailor Moon is a fictional character in their universe. I should have used a different magical girl to avoid confusion, but I don't know much about other ones.
12
Ranma was bored and had no idea what to do in this loop. So he broke into the Kuno Mansion and lounged in front of their giant plasma screen TV and surfed channels at random. He had stopped going to school regularly a long time ago, he would just send a clone from a magic mirror instead.
Obviously, it wasn't a clone from the first mirror he had encountered, but rather one that had belonged to a diligent pupil who had obsessively made sure that his uniform was straight before he went to school. The only downsides of this arrangement were that his clone always had a painstakingly neat uniform and Ranma had to be in school in person when Principal Kuno came back, otherwise his clone would be at the wrong side in the fight against the haircut regulations. The Tendo sisters were really angry at him the one time that had happened.
After hours of zapping he finally got interested in a kids anime. It had fighting, not in a way he was used to, but he could imagine playing with those rules. It had monsters, but even Akane, hell, even the members of the Furinkan Chemistry Club could beat them. Everybody in school should know the anime and its rules. And he had a couple of ideas how to create the monsters with various magic artifacts, plants from Yaocaicun and water from Ryugenzawa. And best of all, he had an idea how to blame someone else for the coming disaster. He probably wouldn't be able to pin the blame on Nabiki. But it was worth trying.
Three busy months later he was once again walking to school with his reluctant fiancée. This time it was really him, since he knew what was coming and didn't want to miss one second of it. Arriving at the school, he saw Tatewaki Kuno waiting at the gates after two months of absence. He heard Akane muttering that she had not missed the idiot's posturing at all.
"Surely, the vengeance of heaven is like the millstone." The upperclassman announced. "Slow, but it grinds finely. The time is nigh for your final reckoning, fowl sorcerer!"
"But I don't even like chicken!" Ranma protested.
"Do not try to confuse me, vial enslaver of women!"
"I am not doing anything with glasses, either!" Ranma just shook his head. "So what do you reckon today?"
"Bah! Now you even dare to defile the beauty of our heavenly language? Your villainy knows no bounds!" Kuno straightened himself. "But enough of this banter! I will have you known that after long and arduous meditations I have found the true weapon to defeat you once and for all! The fates were at my side and sent me the travelers who would let me purchase those weapons from their armory! And after zealous training the travelers deemed me able to wield those arms and praised me for my intelligence." He took a breath and continued in a stage whisper. "The honorable masters of the venerable art of Kendo will forgive me abandoning the august sword for this noble pursuit."
In one movement he ripped of his normal kendo uniform to reveal normal clothes. Light blue Jeans, a blue vest with short white sleeves and a black T-shirt, white and blue patterned sneakers, and a red and white cap with a green L in front. Everybody wondered how he had put on the sneakers since he was barefoot just a moment before.
He took a red and white ball from his belt and threw it in front of him.
"I CHOOSE YOU, PIKACHU!"
The ball opened and a yellow dog-sized creature with a zigzagged tail appeared in a flash of light.
"Pikachu! Thundershock!" Kuno yelled and the creature generated a lightning that nearly struck a barely escaping Ranma. Ranma then simply jumped at Kuno and kicked him in the face.
"That didn't hurt." Kuno stated and fell down to the ground where he remained unconscious.
'Phase 1 complete.' Ranma thought.
It had taken him a month to find the artifacts he needed to create those critters. They would simply stop after a year and couldn't have any offspring. The hardest part was telling his derivative mirror clones – created by using some funhouse mirrors with a cursed mirror – that they had to teach Kuno. Six year olds could play the game after fifteen minutes. It took his clones two months to teach Kuno to throw the balls and yell the attacks in real life. After their return, Ranma's clones demanded that he destroy them, they couldn't live with the memory of Kuno's speeches.
Ranma turned around to study the reactions of the other students. They stared at the little creature which was now walking around aimlessly. Soon someone should start the chaos whith a cry of fear.
"Omygawsh! It's so cute!" Yelled one of the girls closest to it. She crouched down and began to pet it. Soon she was joined by the other girls on the court. Ranma walked a bit closer and was noticed by one of the girls. She scampered over to him with bright happy eyes.
"Thank you so much for not hurting Pikachu!" She said with her hands held in front of her chest and quickly returned to pet the little monster. Many of the other girls followed her and agreed with the sentiment, some even hugging him. He took a look at his fiancée and was shocked to the core. Akane was smiling at him while the other girls gushed over him.
"Hey! Kuno might have more pokemon!" Came a voice from the heap of girls.
"Yeah! He should have six!" Agreed a different girl.
"Let's go and get them!"
During the time-loops, Ranma had seen a host of incredible things. But this was the first time that he saw girls running to Kuno and piling on him. There was the sound of five pokeballs opening and the girls were looking at a Bulbasaur, a Charmander, a Squirtle, a Pidgey and a Rattata.
A lot of squealing noises came from the girls who began to pet the other pokemon. Some of them took out their bentos and began to feed the little creatures while Ranma and the other boys looked on.
"What do you think will they do when they realize they can't keep them?" Hiroshi asked.
"Not much. It's not like they never had to give up a cute animal before." Daisuke answered. "The question is rather what will they do to Kuno when they find out he will keep using them to attack Ranma?"
'Things are definitely not following my plan.' Ranma thought. 'Time for phase 2.'
He pushed the button of a small transmitter in his pocket. The students heard the noise of a truck braking and saw it colliding sideways with the wall of the schoolyard. The container on it – marked with the sign of the Kuno clan - began to topple sideways and the students ran out of its way. When the container hit the ground, its roof opened and red and white patterned metal balls spilled on the grounds.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Exclaimed Daisuke who could apparently understand what was happening.
Once again they heard the sound of a pokeball opening and an Ekans appeared. Then they heard the sound twice again and a Sandshrew and a Clefairy appeared. Then they heard it again four times. Six times. Eight. Fifteen. Thirty.
The smarter students began to run, dragging others with them. Soon the grounds were empty of humans – except for the still unconscious Kuno, but who cares about him?
Fifteen minutes later the sounds of the pokeballs had stopped. The students had seen from the windows that most of the pokemon had left when the grounds filled and the rest of the small monsters seemed to quiet down now. Some of the more courageous students went back to the grounds to accompany and protect their girlfriends who still wanted to pet the pokemon.
Nine months later, just before the end of the loop, Ranma thought about what had happened.
'Well, that plan was a complete disaster. Nobody is using their pokemons to fight and everyone is okay with it. Except for Kuno, who went to jail for copyright infringement and cruelty to animals because he had kept them in the little pokeballs. And for playing god. They really surprised me with that one during that loop when they caught me creating the Dragonballs.
'And Nabiki hasn't even made one yen from all of this and when she suggested some kind of Arena fights she was pelted with pokefeces.' Ranma smiled at that thought. That stuff really lingered and Kasumi had made her sleep in a tent outside. 'Well, I think I know what went wrong. Next loop I will use Digimon!'
14
Ranma had decided to start this loop quietly. He simply fought Akane like he did in the original timeline, but exclusively with the basic moves he had learned in his loop with Kenshin, and avoided meeting her in the bathroom. A simple recipe for a nice stay with the Tendos. It nearly felt like a holiday. A quick bath later he decided that in this loop he would join his father in the living room, where he found the part-time panda talking with Mr. Tendo.
"There you are." Genma said and looked intensely at Ranma. "Follow me to the guest room, boy."
Ranma was a bit confused by that. He had expected his father making him wait for the Tendos in the room. When they arrived in the guest room, Genma closed the door and scrutinized his son again.
"What's the matter, pops?" Ranma demanded impatiently.
"You can't fool me, boy. You know what the matter is. We're one year in the past and you're not surprised at all. So, how did you do it and what for? We're two weeks too late to break the curse and you know you can't break the engagement with the Tendos anymore. It's a matter of honor!"
Ranma grimaced. Another one of his nightmares had come true, his father had started looping. Well, no nice stay at the Tendos this time. He simply knocked him out and moved to the hidden city of martial arts beach bums to relax from the shock.
16
One of the earlier loops:
Ranma walked down the street to the cinema to watch one of his favorite movies. He hadn't watched it for a couple of loops now, so it should be fairly interesting again. Then he noticed a familiar face among the pedestrians.
"I challenge you, Ranma Saotome!" Gasped the overweight young man in a suit that was bursting to fit.
"Sure, but you know after all your losses you should owe me a fair bit. Or bite." Ranma smirked.
"This is a matter of reputation. Do not dare to joke!" Picolet Chardin rang a bell and once again waiters appeared to put a table in the middle of the boardwalk and began to serve a meal.
Fifteen minutes later the random audience of the duel began to applaud as Ranma emptied his plate once again just in time before Picolet could finish his food.
"No!" The young Chardin yelled. "I can't accept this! One more time!" He suddenly paled and held his hand over his mouth. He sweated profusely and whispered. "Please excuse me. I have to visit the bathroom."
'He probably has to puke.' Thought Ranma. 'Has nobody told him about the technique of the Pate du Foie Gras yet? They should have figured it out after he started to gain weight. Well, not my problem. The guy is annoying but the food is really great. Of course I only get about a tenth of it, but it's still all good. Maybe I should put a fridge or something to keep the food warm into my ki-pocket. Nah, it would just get too dry.'
For the last three months the young man has challenged Ranma at every opportunity after he had lost during their initial encounter and had not even bothered to visit the Tendos yet.
The next day it looked like Monsieur Chardin had ordered his son to fulfill his original task and the young Frenchman presented the agreement to the Tendos. It looked very much like Kasumi had to bite the bullet since she was such a good cook and Ranma just couldn't leave her to that fate, even if it was just to save her near perfect figure from the involuntary diet at the Chardins.
"I challenge you, Picolet Chardin."
"I accept, Ranma Saotome." He pulled out the little bell, but before he could ring it, Ranma grabbed his hand.
"Since I challenged you, I think we will do this on my terms." Ranma grinned savagely. "Just like you do, n'est-ce pas?"
"Eh, naturellement, Monsieur Ranma." Picolet answered feeling very unsure of himself.
"Please follow me into the dojo."
Once there he took position.
"We will fight according to the rules of the Anything Goes school of martial arts. The last one on his feet is the winner. Understood?"
"Yes, but what…"
"Then let's begin!"
A jump and a kick to the head later, Ranma was the winner. He got a sheet of paper and a pen and began to write. Five minutes later Picolet woke up.
"Ah, finally. I was afraid I had to add to the bill." Ranma said in a mock-concerned tone.
"Bill? What bill?"
"This bill." Ranma said and gave his victim, er, opponent the piece of paper.
Picolet Chardin began to read and burst out: "Use of dojo? Cleaning clothes? Cleaning the dojo? Sleeping in the dojo? Is this a joke?"
"Of course not. Do you think such a beautiful training hall is free?"
"But this amount… I can't afford this!"
"Well, I am ready to deal. How about one meal for everyone in the Tendo house daily and you give me the contracts with the Tendos and the Saotomes."
"That could ruin us!" Picolet began to sweat. "How about the contracts, one meal for everyone in the Tendo house and an engagement contract with my first-born daughter?"
Ranma thought about that. If he escaped from the loops this time, he might be able to threaten his future son with this. He grinned evilly. That sounded like so much fun! "Agreed!"
AN: I think it's been established that looping Ranma isn't exactly sane.