a/N:it looks like im back to my old self. so there's going to be frequent updating i think.....and hope. thanks for the reviews, i was afraid i wasn't going to get readers or reviews for taking so long.
I go ballistic!!Yeah you make me a crazy chick.
30. Intervention
No. I was sorry. I was.
"Jared wait" He was almost on the sidewalk outside of the parking lot by the time I got the courage to mumble the words. From where I was standing I saw him stop, turning his head lightly to the right. That was proof enough that he was listening to me.
"I am sorry"I muttered "I am so sorry. And I wish I could take it all back I really wish I could. They're right, you deserve much better than this, so much better than me" I tried to say if as fast as I could, I wanted to believe he was listening because he had stopped. Even if he didn't turn to face me,he stood still. And that was more than I deserved from him. He was giving what probably would be my only chance to talk to him without actually having to talk to him. My only chance to try to explain...
"I wish there was a way I could explain"And I really did, but I had spent most of my time trying to find an excuse. And the truth was that I didn't have one. I didn't even know what it was that I was trying to explain. The abortion, the cheating, the lying, the imprint "But nothing-" could make it better.
"You said nothing"He accused yelling across the parking and walking back towards me. " You said nothing. You're right. Nothing doesn't make it better." Jared said exasperated his tone completely bitter. The plane of his face were so hardened, he looked older and menacing. He looked completely different from the boy I had fallen in love with.
"I..." What could I say "What do you want me to say. I am sorry but-"
"Why?? Why Kim?!! I want you to tell my why you didn't want me."He was very angry.
"I don't know" I answered.
"You could've said no when I told you about the imprint"He insisted. "If you didn't want me all you had to do was say so. I would've dealt with it. We could've been friends or something. Why did you felt the need to sleep with god know how many guys to prove your point...Is that why you got rid of the baby? Because you were not sure it was mine?!!"His voice sort of got cut and it came out too rough.
"What??!" I half whispered choking back my own sobs. I had never referred to it with the four letter word. For so long I had called it, it. It was an it. Not a baby. "It was yours!"
"How many Kim?!!" He said ignoring me." Two?Four?Seven?"
"'I've only slept with you!"I yelled trying to get him to listen. And he only shook his head.
"You are lying"
"I swear"I whispered "It was only you.. I..." I stammered, I din't know what was the point of opening wounds. Although it was probably not opening, it was pretty clear we were both still bleeding. "I didn't sleep with any of them. It was just kissing..."
"How many?" He growled. I could see him starting to shake.
"Does it matter?" I said reaching for his wrist. He didn't recoil from my touch and just nodded. The tremors stopping altogether."It matters to me"He whispered.
"Four" The number seemed too big. But maybe one or two would've sounded just as bad. It was not the number, it what it represented.
"Why?"
"I don't know" I said releasing his wrist and taking a step back. "I was so scared when I found out, and I just knew I couldn't have it and I didn't want to hurt you, so I lied. And it felt so wrong lying to you that I could barely talk to you after it. And then it just spiralled down. I don't know why I did it, you just weren't there and when I came back I just wanted things to go back, but it didn't feel right, because I felt so guilty all the time. And as time passed, the thought of telling you was even more terryfying, and I just kept on lying, until I was lying to you all the time, and I knew there was no going back and sooner and later I was going to lose you. And the day of your birthday" I paused trying to catch my breath "I was just reminded how not good enough I was, and the girls you used to date, and I thought maybe we could go back to that. Both of us. " When I finished, I felt like I could finally breathe. And then I was crying again. Sobbing loudly.
And then all my sobs we being muffled in his chest. His body shaking with mine. And I noticed his heavy breathing. I didn't dare to look up and see if he was crying, it was all too much.
I loved Jared, there was no lying to myself anymore. And he loved me. But not even now after this, could we make things better. I ahd really screwed up, I had destroyed our relationship, and now all we had were broken pieces, that I had no idea of what to do with them. If there was a way we could put together, what I had broken.
If he was ready to forgive me. If I wanted to jump that boat again. If wanted to put up with me ever again..
He held me until I was void of tears. There were no whispers, no looks exchanged. Taking comfort in the closeness of our bodies was the only thing we could do.
"I'm sorry" I said breaking the silence, trying to clean my face as I extricated myself from his hold.
"I have to go"He answered his expression completely blank.
"I know" I whispered.
"Jared.." I didn't know why I called him but his facade broke for a moment and I thought he was going to say something else. But then he was serious and walking away. I had exhausted mysefl crying and my tear ducts were completely dry, so when he left, even if I wanted to crumble down the floor and cry, I willed my legs to move and walk home.
I was drained and numb. I couldn't really even think about anything. I just wanted to get to my bed and sleep to forget.
The talk with Jared had messed me up pretty badly. Walking into school grounds on Tuesday, and I wasn't sure what to expect, or what I wanted. But when Jared didn't even glance at me, I knew that indifference wasn't it. Paul kept sneering and Leah kept throwing me looks, and my friends were concerned but I couldn't talk to any of them. During English, Leah thank god stuck to working and didn't even bring him up. As the day progressed I thought things might get a little bit better, I was going to try to finish up the project logistics with Leah and then I would be going home and wouldn't have to deal with any of this.
"Should I send it to you or would you prefer me to bring it?"Leah asked tilting her head sideways while biting her pencil.
"Whatever it's fine" I murmured trying to finish the notes on the flashcards.
"Okay then we should go"She said glancing at her watch "My ride should be here already" I tensed up. The last thing I wanted was a repeat of yesterday.
"You can go, I'm going to finish this"I said taking yet another flash card to fill
"No"Leah said closing the book and taking my pen.
"Leah.."I pleaded. Didn't the girl have a little bit of compassion. Was she going to make my life miserable for the rest of the year.
"Kim" She mimicked "Look, he's not coming" She explained. I nodded and sighed. I packed my book and walked out with her in complete silence. Leah looked specially beautiful today I noticed, which only made me feel more inadequate.
I had never wanted to ponder on the idea of Jared and Leah together, but now I could only hope her and Paul were being exclusive. The idea of her, comforting him made me nauseous"
"Hey Kim" I heard Leah groan but I turned to her cousin anyways.
"Hey Emily" I waved back.
"I hadn't seen you like in forever"Emily said stepping out the car. I had nothing against her, so I figured a little small talk wouldn't hurt. Emily, unlike her cousin, had tact, and was polite and nice. I doubted she would bring Jared up.
"Well here I am" I half laughed "How you've been?"
"Very well, thank you"Emily smiled warmly
"How's Sam?" I asked tentatively.
"Working like crazy"Emily said fondly "Things have been a little bit hectic."
"Hectic?"I croaked.
"Kind of. A lot of activity if you know what I mean" I was suddenly curious as to what she meant. I didn't know what she meant. My brain was working fast trying to think of all the possibilities for hectic and crazy. I turned to Leah but she was already in the backseat of Emily's car. I started to panic.
"Kim.."
"Yeah?" I asked watching her walk until she was in front of me.
"I'm sorry.I usually wouldn't do this at all." Emily said slowly "I've been meaning to talk to you"
"Emily"I said avoiding her gaze, she probably knew too. What was with these boys and their unability for discretion.
"Kara called"Emily sighed "She invited us for lunch and suggested we pick you up"
"Emily!"I couldn't believe she would be into Kara's scheme, whatever it was.
"Please Kim, it's just talking"Emily said smiling.
"Drag your stupid ass"Leah yelled from the car "The sooner the better. You're going. Even if I have to drag you to Jared's house myself"Leah laughed. I shuddered, knowing she was capable of it.
"Leah"Emily admonished. As we both made into the car. I pulled out my mobile to call my mom and let her know I was going over to Leah's to work on my English prohject. I couldn't tell her the truth without having to explain.
I felt like a prisoner going into interogation. We got out of the car, Emily at the head and Leah behind me. It wasn't like I was going to make a run for it. The doorbell rang, and almost immediately the door opend revealing Kara wearing an apron.
Formalities were exchanged and we were offered something to drink. Water was my choice. I felt really sick. Like stomach dropping nauseous kind of sick. I was wreck, and had this sudden urge to call my mother to save from these women. For a part facing them, was even worse than facing Jared or Paul, at least I knew they couldn't exactly insult me or hit me, they were men and they were obliged to control their tempers. But women, knew how to get you without even raising their voice or laying a hand on you. Specially women like Leah or Kara.
And Emily, I was afraid she wasn't going to do much for me either.
At first most of the talk was between Emily and Kara. I listened while Leah examined her fingernails. We sat at the table where we were served chicken and rice. The rest of the meal was all Kara yapping about the weather and clothes. I didn't relax at all, I wasnt naive to think I would be save from the third degree.
We finished the food and went back into the living room, where we were served coffee and pie. It was unnerving how grown up the whole thing was. I was seventeen, a seventeen girl drinking coffe and eating pie like I was forty.
"So Kim" I tensed leaving the cup of coffeee on the table and playing with the hem of my t shirt.
"I'm going to be straightforward"Kara started "Obviously I invited you because I wanted to talk to you about my son" I nodded.
"Please Kim you're not here for me to yell at you"Kara said softly her clipped tone abandoning her. She leaned forward and I couldn't help but look at her
"I'm not going to ask what happened."She sighed "That's between you and Jared "I looked up at this and turned to look at Leah who suddenly wasn't insterested in her nails anymore and was sitting laid back watchign me carefully.
"He...he didn't tell you?"I asked
"No."Kara said and it was obvious she was upset her son had not confided in her. But I wasn't. I was relieved she didn't knew. "He's being very stubborn. And I figured you could be more reasonable"
"My son is trying to ignore the importance of your relationship" Kara stated " And I'm afraid in doing so, he neglected to let you know how big of a deal it is."
"The imprint?"I asked since she had paused and was expecting me to say something.
"Yes Kim, the imprint. It's kind of a deal for life, so there's not getting rid of it, or out,basically." She only confirmed what Jared had indeed explained.
"I need your help"I could detect a little hint of her voice breaking." But before I need to ask you something. And I need you to answer me honestly."
"I was under the impression that you were in love with him. That you loved my son"I gulped "Do you still love him Kim?"
"Do you love my son?"
"Yes"I couldn't lie to her face. I couldn't keep lying to myself.
"That's all I needed to hear"She said smiling in a very similar way to how she smiled at Jared."My son is in love with you, but he's falling apart."
"I want my son back. I want my boy back"Kara said "It's killing him. He's alone, broken and pushing everyone away. He loves you and whatever happened I'm sure you can work it out."
"It's really hard for them being away from their imprint"Emily spoke giving Kara time to get control of her voice. "It's more than just heartache if you can call it that. Theirs, is a physical pain, Kim and it's not good."
"Stop dumbing it for her. She's not that stupid"Leah huffed exasperated
"Leah"Emily warned but to no result.
"He's going to break, if you don't make this right. You egoistical selfish bitch!"Leah yelled "You need to make it right, because it's your fault and if something happens to him. I'm holding you responsible, so get off your high horse and start thinking of a way to make it right."
"Leah please"Kara said giving her a stern look "The council is concerned, and we don't want to force you into a relationship or anything you don't want. He just needs to make things right with you."
"Sam and I talked about it, and you could try being friends if you don't want to be romantically involved. But he needs you around and it might be unfair to you but it's the truth."
"And he can't keep trying to pretend otherwise"Leah snorted "But it won't help. God knows he could've done better."
"Stop it Leah"Emily said a little bit louder.
"At least promise me you'll think about it"Kara said. And I found myself nodding. Emily offered to drive me home and I climbed into her car feeling cold as an iceberg.
"I didn't think it was that bad"I whispered once I had put my seatbelt.
"Neither did I"Emily smiled as if remembering. "You know what transpired between Leah, Sam and I. I spent so much time denying him because of her, without realizing how much I was hurting him. By the time I realized it was too late, and I was already scarred. Sometimes I think the scars are the price I had to pay for my wrong."
"Emily no"I said horrified "He couldn't help it neither could you"
"But it doesn't make it any better. At least she forgave me after the accident-" Emily said shaking her head "I could've done it differently. Sam told me what happened. And I'm not going to judge you."
"But I know how overwhelming this love can be" Emily said in a low voice "Especially for you, you've been in love with him for years"
"I had a crush on him" I felt the need to say. Years made me sound pathetic. Emily smiled and nodded, but I guess she was just humoring me.
"And I get the whole insecure thing. At least you're pretty and whole. I'm scarred Kim, and Leah, well you've seen her"
"Sam he-"
"Loves her still" Emily said cutting me off "And I can deal with it. This is what most people spend their lives searching for. I was blessed to have it at the age of nineteen. You could have it too, if you want it. He's always going to be there, in the wings waiting for you"
"He loves you"Emily repeated "And he would do anything for you. I can see you love him too. I saw it the first time we met and went to the cliffs."
"I love him I do" I said for the second time in a day "But what I did was horrible Em, and I don't think he could ever love me like he did before"
"Why don't you find out?"Emily asked pulling into my driveway. "You guys are seventeen you have a life ahead of you, and this won't be the last mistake either of you make, but you have to try. You already have it, you just need to take it."
"Think about it Kim. Figure out what you really want and when you do. Go find him and make it right. He can't keep up like that for much longer. It's not healthy"
Health. What I certainyl lacked. And what apparently so did he.
Was I finally done?
Playing stupid games, and lying to myself and others.
Maybe I was.
a/N: so this turned out to be something other than to what I had in mind. special thanks to harryandjameluver for pointing out what I was already afraid of. And I'm trying to make it right now!! I hope you like it. and i think it's safe to say we're on the verge of starting the path towards redemption.