Every organization has a how to behave to be a member of us... manual. Below is Akatsuki's.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Lady Khali owns the original plot of Akatsuki Employee Handbook, but has allowed me to continue it as she cannot do so herself.

A/N: Due to confusion some have due to the fact Lady Khali is the original author of this, explaining is in order. I had taken over this fic when she was forced to stop the Handbook.

Welcome to Akatsuki! Please read the following manual. Sign, date, and return the form on the back indicating you have read and understood this manual in its entirety.

WARNING: If you are reading this manual, it is assumed that you are a full member of Akatsuki. If you do not have this status, continuing reading is highly inadvisable as you have either:

A) killed one of our members and are currently going through his or her personal effects;

B) sneaked into headquarters and stolen a copy from our library;

C) stolen the personal effects of one our members; or

D) hacked into our main frame.

In the event of A, kindly stick around. Zetsu will be by shortly to discuss our employment offer. Although we will require that you read this at some point in the future, we prefer to explain the general nature of our organization first. This should reduce confusion on your part.

In the event of B, please fill out the following:

Dear (insert next of kin and address here):

I regret to inform you that I made a grave error in judgment. Although I thought my target was unaware of my presence, they were. By the time you read this, I will have been tortured and killed, and my body will have been disposed of in an unidentifiable manner. The blood on this letter is mine and may be used for identification purposes.

Sincerely,

(Sign your name above)

In the event of C, fill out the following:

Dear (insert next of kin and address here):

I am an idiot. I stole (list stolen items) from (insert Akatsuki member's name. If unknown, leave blank), an S-Class criminal and known member of Akatsuki. As penance for my many sins, (insert Akatsuki member's name) has permanently removed me from the gene pool. Hopefully my existence did not cause you any great difficulty.

Sincerely,

(Sign your name above)

Akatsuki note: If the removal of the above named person is a cause of great joy, please donate to our cause using the attached envelope.

In the event of D, although we are not computer geeks and many of us are computer illiterate, we pride ourselves in our ability to hire good people who can and will track you down. We highly advise that you run, find a new profession, and a new name. If you provide a good enough chase, we may offer you a subordinate position. Your life depends entirely on your ability to entertain us. Now, get moving.

All authorized personnel (and you know who you are) are required to read this manual in its entirety and sign the attached sheet indicating you have both received and read it. (Yes, Hidan. You must read this manual.)

Note: Individual members of Akatsuki originally wrote each section of this manual and all content appear in the order in which they were received. As such, it is subject to editing by senior management (aka. Pain and Madara). Any edits are final. Dispute at your own risk.

In the meeting room at the Amegakure base of Akatsuki, Hidan stood in his new Akatsuki cloak. He had just been inducted into the organization.

He had already been assigned Kakuzu as a partner and given a cloak and ring, so he did not understand why Leader-sama was motioning him to stay.

As much as the silver-haired Jashinist wanted to just get going and give Leader the middle finger, he knew better. It was not worth the threat of being skinned alive by Leader's chick. That would be very painful and not have the same pleasure as he had with his Jashinist techniques.

The Leader handed him a book. It was black with red trim and had the Akatsuki's red cloud on the front. It appeared to be quite thick.

"What the fuck is this?"

"It is the Akatsuki Employee Handbook. All members are required to read it. It explains the rules that you must abide by as a member of our organization."

So, it was like the Book of Jashin, which told how Hidan had to behave as a Jashinist. Hidan didn't like reading that much, except for religious purposes.

"Do I have to read all of this?!"

"Yes Hidan, you have to read all of the manual."

The Akatsuki's newest member could have swore that Leader smirked at him as he said that.

Hidan was escorted to his new room. It had white walls and was only furnished with the bare basics. Well, if he had to read the thing, he would get started.

The silver haired man did so quietly on his futon until he was onto the hygiene section. There was a rule that caught his eye.

No member of Akatsuki was allowed to wear jewelry. That meant that he couldn't wear his Jashinist rosary.

The realization made Hidan so angry that he threw the book across the room. It clattered across the ground, but it did not break or land a scratch.

It was during this burst of anger that the purple-eyed shinobi got an idea.

The book had mentioned that exceptions were made for piercings and floral necklaces. Perhaps he should do something so horrendous that Leader-sama would have to grant an exception if asked.

For this reason, he began initiating Jashinist sacrifices all over the base.

His first ritual was performed in the kitchen. The blood left a large mess on the floor. Deidara had to clean it up when put on kitchen duty. Spots of blood stuck on the cabinets for days.

Itachi's bedroom was next. It was open for desecration as its main occupant was on a long-term spying mission. His subordinates Yoshida Shiori and Shibata Mayu worked hurriedly to remove the blood splatter. Even so, some remained on the walls and his crow Kagemaru's perch.

Hidan's rituals in those areas caused annoyance, but not enough stink was raised. The muscular man had to hide his rosary from the view of others. The humiliation gnawed at his mind.

What do I need to do? I can't just walk up to those assholes to demand an exception. Maybe I should do a ritual in a public place, like the lobby?

When he had his ritual in the lobby, he made sure to make it extra bloody. Konan shrieked upon finding him. Zetsu took one look and decided it was better to tunnel through the ground with Mayfly to exit the base than go through the lobby. Personnel found alternative entrances for the next week.

One night, the Akatsuki's founder had a late night visitor. Seeing Hidan stabbing himself in Madara's swirl-patterned bed caused the latter to yell very colorful words.

The other members were very disgusted, so they eventually complained to Leader-sama.

"Pain, go find out why Hidan's doing this. He even performed a ritual in Madara-sama's room. He and Deidara have been threatening to destroy the base to get rid of Hidan if nothing is done."

Following Konan's request, Pain followed the sound of moans to Itachi's room.

It was a good thing that he was on a spying mission to the Outside. If the young man found his room being disgraced in his absence, he would burn down the entire base without assistance from anyone. Even though he had a terminal illness, he was among the strongest members of Akatsuki.

"Hidan," the Akatsuki leader confronted, "why have you been performing rituals all over the hideout?"

Once the problem was voiced, the orange-haired man was all too happy to grant an exception. Hidan still had to read all of the Handbook and was punished for his behavior.

He had to clean up the messes from his rituals, would be the subject of target practice for a month, and was put on kitchen duty for a few weeks.

The silver haired Jashinist was prohibited from going into Itachi's bedroom to stop the bloody messes from his rituals. It did not stop him. Instead, Itachi dealt with the newest member himself upon his return.

"Why did you use Tsukuyomi on him?!"

In his personal office, Pain confronted Itachi. Hidan was currently comatose in the Akatsuki's hospital wing. The longhaired Sharingan wielder had unleashed Tsukuyomi on the slick-haired Jashinist.

"He was a stranger in Headquarters in an Akatsuki uniform performing a disgusting activity in my bedroom. You know from Toge-san's messages that my mission did not go as planned and I have been in poor health. All I wanted after introducing Mitsuki-chan to Konan-san was to retire to my quarters."

The teen, who for the first time in months was wearing his Akatsuki uniform, coughed as he finished. He had to grab on to a shelf to stay upright.

"I see. Hidan is our newest member. I understand that you are angry with him invading your room and making a large mess, but try a different way to deal with him in the future. Itachi, since you are barely standing, I will escort you to your room personally. One of our medical ninja will look at you."

Itachi collapsed when entering his room. He was barred from missions for a while.

And, while he caused the Akatsuki irritation through other methods, Hidan never snuck into another member's bedroom again.