Jones' and James' Most Execellent Adventure Chapter 1: Therapy, a naruto fanfic

Author Notes: this is my first fanfic after my bastard of a roommate introduced me to this horribly addictive form of 'literature.' It is a shameless self-insert designed to poke fun at both the original story and fanfics. This story was created in conjuction with cjonbloodletter who plays the part of (terrible) editor and humor engine.

Disclaimers: I do not own any of the characters in this story, except for James.

Oh, and Jones... he's my bitch.

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He began to rise out of sleep slowly as he felt a foot nudging him in the ribs. "Kill you if don't stop," He muttered groggily. The offending foot was insistent, however, and began nudging him harder.

In his semi-concious state he began to notice a couple of odd things. First off, his bed had become a lot harder. The second thing was that sunlight seemed to be shining down on his face. the third was, the smell of his room was no longer that of a pair of slobby bachelors in a barracks room.

What the hell. His mind, now coming fully awake despite his stubborn refusal to let go of sleep on a day off, began to put those discrepencies together. Why in the fuck am I outside.

He opened his eyes, and sure enough, he was lying on what seemed to be a forest floor with sunlight filtering down onto his face. He looked up to see who was nudging him, and promptly decided that he hadn't actually woken up. So he passed out.

Naruto scratched his head at the odd mans inability to stay awake. Maybe Naruto was just so awesome that the guy couldn't handle it. Yea, that had to be it! He hoped it wouldn't be a constant problem, though. Naruto wanted to know who this guy was if he could Shunshin in his sleep. at least that's what it looked like he had done, appearing out of nowhere and landing on top of Naruto. How he slept through that, Naruto would never know.

The strangest thing about him was the fact that he was clad only in a pair of boxers. That, and he had enough body hair to make one wonder if a monkey was somewhere in his ancestry. He was thin and lacked any muscle tone. Odd for a ninja. His hair was dark and cut so close to his head, he might as well have been bald.

Naruto tried nudging the man again, then slapping. When that failed, he poured the contents of his canteen on his face.

"SON OF A BITCH!" He shot up to a standing posisition, sputtering. He continued to curse as he wiped his face with his hands, then stopped abruptly. His dark brown eyes peeked over his hands, and he began muttering to himself. "Not... possible. Must be dreaming. Yea, dreaming. Read too much manga."

Naruto just watched the guy curiously. He was used to odd behavior, what with Sakura's bipolar mood swings and Sasuke's stubborn moping. The guy looked as if his conversation with himself was winding down, so Naruto decided to be polite and introduce himself. "My name is Uzamaki Naruto and..."

"You're gonna become the strongest ninja in Konaha and be the Hokage someday. yea, I know."

Naruto just blinked at the man. He knew he hadn't met this guy before, and he didn't look like he was from Konoha. "How'd you know that?"

The guy seemed to have lost interest in the conversation, and was lost in thought. He started slightly at the blond's voice. "Hmmm? I read." Was his simple if cryptic answer.

"You... read? What the hell does that mean? I'm just made freaking genin. How could you read anything about me?" Naruto's frustration showed plainly on his face as his stunted logic tried to make sense of this wierdo.

"Just made genin... of course, now I know when I am."

Again Naruto blinked. When... I am? "Don't you mean where?"

"Nope. I'm pretty sure I meant when. You are about to go meet your team and sensei for your first mission, right?"

"Well yea, but how...?"

"Don't bother showing up for another hour or so. Your sensei will be late."

"Alright wierdo. What the hell are you talking about? How the hell do you know this shit? And why aren't you wearing any clothes?" Naruto was about ready to stab the bastard. He didn't like it when people fucked with his head, and this guy was giving it to his mind doggy style.

The guy looked at the him for a long moment and seemed to come to a decision. "Alright, kid. Have a seat. I guess it's better to humor my subconcious."

Naruto didn't even bother trying to figure that last statement out as he sat to listen to the crazy man explain himself.

"So... you are currently asleep?"

"Right."

"In your own... world?"

"Correct."

"Where I am the main character in a manga?"

"Yep."

"And this is all your dream, cause you read it way too much?"

"You got it."

"You are a nutcase," the blonde deadpanned.

"Wow... it's been almost a year since I told myself that," the wierdo said seriously.

"You didn't tell yourself that, I did!" Naruto said with exasperation. The guy was firmly convinced that Naruto, and his whole world, were just a creation of his sleeping mind. It really pissed him off to be classified as a figment of someone elses imagination.

"But you are just a figment of my subconcious dreaming mind. So, therefore, I am telling myself I am crazy."

Naruto gave up on that line. "What's your name wacko?"

"James... why do you ask?"

"James... James... odd name. Oh... I need to know what to put on the form to commit you."

James just stared at Naruto for a good ten seconds and then started to laugh. The blond was a little disturbed that this freak found it ammusing that he was about to take him to a psyche ward... run by trained killers. "What the hell is so funny about that?"

"You... take me... to a shrink?" he manage to get out between giggles. "You can't touch me, shorty."

Naruto snapped. Shorty... SHORTY! This guy is so dead. Naruto had a kunai out in the blink of an eye, and before James could do anything he pounced.

For his part, James didn't even dodge. What the hell was a twenty-one year old one hundred fifty pound gamer going to do against a shinobi. So he took the blow in the chest, or thats where it would have landed, if Naruto didn't simply pass through him as if he weren't there.

"Huwaugh?!" the blond exclaimed loudly as he stumbled through. James really didn't look surprised, just fascinated.

"Hmmm. So if I don't believe I will get hurt, I won't? Neato."

Naruto was now wondering if he was the crazy one. This guy had appeared out of nowhere, and he couldn't be touched. Before he could travel down that dark path, though, a large explosion went off in the distance. Are we under attack? He thought.

Naruto wasted no time. He filled his legs with chakra and darted towards ground zero, leaving James the freak to be crazy alone.

"Hey, fucker!" James yelled, after the ninja. He hated running, and he knew he would never be able to keep up with even the slowest and fattest guys here. Well... if this is my dream... then I should be able to do what I want...

Instead of going for the obvious, and copying the blond shinobi, he just... appeared... where Naruto was heading. "Totally awesome."

"You don't know awesome till you have met... JONES!!!" Another explosion engulfed the already burning training grounds.

This was turning out to be like one of those terrible self insert fanfics that he had suffered through, just to see how retarded it would get. Not only was he here, but now his immensely unstable and narcissistic roommate was too.

The explosion that had gone off at the mere mention of Jones' name had of course, done no damage whatsoever to James. Naruto had arrived shortly after, and asked the obvious question, "Who the hell is this fatass?"

Before Jones could answer, Kakashi burst from the ground and had him hog tied and gagged. the last explosion had sent a rock flying into Sakura's head, and the first had given Sasuke some nasty burns. He didn't want his third student to be bedridden in the hospital either. Kakashi wasn't sure how this guy was causing the explosions, but they only seemed to happen when he said his name.

Kakashi had been hiding from his students, waiting for them to arrive so he could force them all to wait the standard three hours before he 'showed up late.'

Sakura had been the first to arrive, with Sasuke not too far behind. Before the lovesick girl could assault the object of her obsession in a very inappropriate way. A curious looking, and overweight, man walked into the clearing. An annoyed Sakura had demanded to know who would dare interupt her alone time with the unfortunate Uchiha heir. That's when the shit hit the fan.

The newcomer had answered with gusto,"Who am I? WHO AM I!? I... AM... JONES!" A massive explosion had followed. Sakura had been thrown clear by the concussion, but poor Sasuke had caught the fringe. Sakura had just managed to put out the small fire the was Sasuke's hair when another man, skinny as a rail and hairy as an ape, appeared from nowhere. The Jones had apparently taken this as a cue to once a gain shout his name.

The explosion had happened very close to Kakashi, but his reflexes and jutsu saved him from a very fiery death. Now that the threat had been taken care of and the medic nin were tending to his injured students, it was time to get some answers.

He had left the fat interloper with the Torture and Interrogation shinobi after managing to get a very odd story out of the freak. It was too crazy to believe, and his friend, the skinny ape that had appeared from nowhere, had given him a similar story. These nut cases had to have escaped from a psyche ward somewhere. The one thing that had lent the tiniest bit of credence to their claims was the skinny ones insistence that he could alter reality as he pleased. He had proceeded with a small demonstration by clothing himself in plain, if baggy, black shirt and jeans that covered his feet.

Kakashi could think of about twenty different ways to pull that off, but the guy hadn't done anything... at all. He was just suddenly clothed, as if he had been wearing the shit the whole time. He just hoped that Ibiki or one of his equally screwed up colleauges could get some answers.

"Okay, fella's. this is gonna be real easy. I ask a question and you answer. Simple huh?"

The thin guy shrugged, "Sure, whatever? We already told Kakashi everything we knew, though."

Ibiki had heard that many times before, and it didn't fool him this time either. "First off, your names?"

Before the rotundra could open his mouth, thin man slapped a hand over it to garble his shouted name. Despite the fact that the name had been messed up, a nearby unoccupied chair burst into flame. "Kakashi did tell you what this fool was capable of, right?"

Ibiki met the event with a raised brow. Both of these guys had accepted seals to completely suppress their chakra, and yet this guy... Jones, according to Kakashi, could still cause spontaneous combustion by simply uttering his name. even if it was messed up halfway through.

"Indeed. Couldn't help my curiousty, though. How bout you, apeman?"

The jibe had been designed to annoy the overly hairy individual, but he didn't even seem to realize he had been insulted.

"James," he stated simply.

Ibiki noted this. He had already been told this info by Kakashi, but that wouldn't stop him from being thorough.

"What village do you come from?" Ibiki continued.

"None of you business," answered James.

"Fuck you... and your mother," Jones put in cheerily, without missing a beat.

Ibiki carefully concealed his annoyance at the rebuke. these fools were obviously going to give him a hard time, and had the gall to be cheeky about it. Well, he knew how to take care of that. He wasn't considered an expert of pschology and the head of the ANBU T&I division for nothing.

Anko paused for a moment, considering the new sign outside the interrogation room. "The Doctor Is In?" She read aloud, "Ibiki really needs to get some help. That's a pretty sick joke."

The irony of that statement nearly knocked her unconcious when she opened the door to find Ibiki lying on a comfy looking couch, his two captives sitting in high backed chairs, talking about his personal problems.

"So... you feel like your dad didn't love you, then?' Asked Jones in a soothing voice.

"Not that he didn't love me. He was just never around, you know," answered Ibiki ernestly.

Jones nodded sagely,"The life of a shinobi is demanding. Trying to rear a family can be equally taxxing... let's step away from the past for a bit. How do you feel about your chosen profession?"

"Can't really complain. I am acknowledged as a genius in my field, but even the other shinobi tend to shy away from me. I know what I do is... well... unsavory, but it's a neccerary part of what we do here."

James was scribbling notes frantically, then, noticing the gaping ANko at the door he put his pencil down. "Well, Ibiki, that's enough for today. You seem to be generally well adjusted... for a trained killer, but I want you to take a day off. Enjoy yourself, maybe even enjoy some time with a lady friend."

"Thanks, doc, but I can't just take a day off. I do run the T&I department," said the scarred ninja.

"Oh please. These are highly trained ANBU we are talking about. The department will run without you for a day. Go, enjoy yourself. Out. Doctor's orders," The nearly bald man insisted as he shooed Ibiki out the door.

To Anko's supreme amazement, the grim ANBU was actually smiling. And not in the 'I am about to fuck you up and enjoy it' way. He looked... happy.

Anko turned to the two strange men, who were discussing their 'patient.' She aproached them with determination in her eyes, "Whatever you did to Ibiki..." They both turned to her, listening,"Can you do it for me to?" She finished hopping on the couch.