A Perfect Pair

By FimbulvetrIce

Summary: Originally written for an assignment for English class; we had to write a satire. Of course, I decided to use the PoT charactersand write one on…Romeo and Juliet! Can you guess who all the characters are? =D Some of them are quite obvious.

Warnings: None, really, except for random crack and a female Fuji and Yukimura. And again, this is a SATIRE. It's supposed to be sarcastic, have corny humor, and make no sense. :P

Disclaimer and A/N:I don't own PoT OR Shakespeare. I DO own the plot and the other characters, but that's about it. I apologize for any errors or typos; I'm not a very good beta and I tend to skip over words when I type. XD

"Five serving one, love all!"

Ah, the lovely sound of two blissfully happy friends playing a nice game of tennis. Never mind that one was soundly beating the other one; Eiji didn't care, so why should anyone else? Yes, Fujiko had always been perfect at everything she did. It was as if fairies had come on the day that she was born and wished her all the perfectness in the world. Hopefully, the evil one hadn't shown up. Anyway, Fujiko was the very epitome of perfection. She was more intelligent than all her tutors, a prodigy in the game of tennis, was kind to everyone, even the animals (who all loved her), was always smiling an absolutely charming smile, and, of course, had a beauty unparalleled by any other damsel in all of Fantasy Land. Indeed, she was THE PERFECT princess, Atobe thought as he watched the game inconspicuously from some inconspicuous bushes.

The prince Atobe was also, of course, perfect. He was so utterly perfect, in fact, that there was never a single woman who did not fall for him at first sight. And even some of the non-single ones. I mean, who would NOT fall for a handsome, gentlemanly, sophisticated, rich, intelligent and perfect prince like himself? Oh right, Fujiko. The reason being: they had never met. But at that moment, Atobe decided that, YES!, Fujiko was the one. He would most definitely make Fujiko his bride. The fact that she was already engaged to another prince, Jiroh, and the other fact that her and his own families had an…unpleasant history, was trivial. Why bother the great Atobe with trivial things?

"Game!"

"Awww," Eiji the cat (he was currently a human though) meowed and pouted, "I can never win against you, Fujiko!" He bounded over to shake her hand over the net.

Fujiko smiled. "It's okay Eiji, I'm sure there's something that you're better than me at."

A cold, cold draft.

Anyway, Atobe…why is he hiding in the bushes? That's a very good question. He realized this and immediately exited the foliage to reveal his stunning self. And challenged Fujiko to a match. It was a close match, because Atobe was of course just as good at tennis as Fujiko was. It ended as a tie, even though normal tennis matches can't end with a tie. But wait! Atobe decided that he could not declare his undying love just yet. It was his belief that it's unromantic to propose while both parties are tired and sweaty from two hours of running around and hitting tennis balls. Best to go home and shower first.

Don't forget the rose-petal bath.

***

"Nurse," Fujiko said, "I don't want to marry Jiroh."

The "Nurse's" name was really Akaya Kirihara, and actually, he wasn't so much of a nurse as he was a bodyguard. Albeit a slightly inefficient one, as Fujiko and him hadn't exactly gotten off to a great start when they first met. She recalled the several times she'd tried to slip some potassium cyanide into his tea when she was younger.

Kirihara frowned. "Are you telling me this because you think I can change something, or because you need a shoulder to cry on?"

Fujiko smiled. "Neither."

"Good, 'cause I was worried there."

"Why," she cocked her head slightly the side, "that hurts me, Nurse." There was a malicious glint in her eyes. Okay, so maybe Atobe should make a minor edit in the "kind" part of his glorious description of her.

The Nurse huffed and avoided looking her in the eye. "Well, what is it then?"

"Oh, nothing. I just wanted to warn you to cover your ears, or just leave the room for a very, very short time." Without waiting for Kirihara's response, she promptly threw herself onto her four-poster bed with a lacey canopy and screamed into her pillow. Loudly.

And then she returned, with her usual smile on. "Thank you for waiting so kindly, I'm all good now." At this point, her grin got wider.

Kirihara winced and backed away. "Um…what was that?" Poor boy. The ringing in his ears just wouldn't stop.

"No-thing," Fujiko mouthed, articulated the two syllables.

And so Kirihara decided to bring the problem up to the King Sanada and Queen Yukimura of Seigaku, because even if he was called "Nurse", or on some occasions, "bodyguard", he really had no control whatsoever over his…charge.

He sobbed and threw himself into Yukimura's arms, earning a glare from the king which he ignored, because the king was always glaring and frowning. "Akaya?" The queen didn't look at all surprised by Kirihara's behavior. "It's all right, it's all right," Yukimura crooned. "What's the matter?"

"Fujiko, she…" Another soppy sniffle. "She doesn't want to marry Prince-Jiroh-from-the-honorable-neighboring-kingdom-of-the-Pink-Pony-Meadow!"

"There, there," Yukimura patted him on the back, smiling the exact same smile that Fujiko always wore (I wonder who she got it from?). "Don't worry about her, all right? We'll speak with her."

But Fujiko was nowhere to be found.

***

"…and now they've arranged for me to be engaged to Jiroh," the princess finished and sighed.

"Jiroh?"

"Yes. Jiroh."

Silence. "That's not very surprising."

"Tezukaaa," she whined and pouted, giving Tezuka incredibly cute puppy-dog eyes.

Tezuka stared at her emotionlessly, but was starting to crumble on the inside from those sparkles. So he sighed and rubbed his temples with his hand.

Fujiko, Jiroh, and Tezuka had all grown up together. They used to meet in Pink Pony Meadows, where Jiroh lived, and Fujiko always brought a nicely decorated picnic basket which they had nice picnics with. By nicely decorated, I mean with an assortment of flowers and bows and checkered cloth. Fujiko would have one-sided conversations with Tezuka, who only spoke back occasionally, while Jiroh would eat his food and sleep. He was always sleeping, and that fact hadn't changed even now. But while Fujiko and Jiroh were both royalty, Tezuka was an apprentice wizard. So at the age of ten, when his master died, he stopped coming to their picnics. Fujiko was hurt and confused. Jiroh couldn't care less, because he slept through it all. Soon Fujiko stopped seeing him altogether, and she then found out about his departure to the Stone Mountains, where he would take his place as Wizard of the Lands. Since then, whenever she had needed someone to talk to, she went to The Wizard's Lair, where Tezuka resided.

So it wasn't like Fujiko hated Jiroh or something. But he had never meant more than a friend to her, and it wasn't like Jiroh loved her either. Not that way, at least. Now would just be kinda weird. Fujiko shuddered at the thought.

"Tezu-KAAA…" Fujiko pouted. "I'm going to be married Jiroh, for heaven's sake! Think of something!"

The wizard offered her a rare smile, even if a normal person would never have been able to notice it at all. "I've already got a plan." As he told her of his ingenious scheme and the preparations he had made, her grin got bigger and bigger until she giggled hugged him.

"I knew you'd have something!" she squealed uncharacteristically.

***

Later that evening, Fujiko's mother called her into the throne room to "speak with her", so she said. Fujiko entered and curtsied, smiling. "Yes, mother?" she said sweetly.

Yukimura smiled an identical smile back at her. Really, it was pretty creepy to watch. "Akaya told me something very interesting today," she told her daughter.

"Really?" Fujiko replied with phony innocence.

"He told me something along the lines of…'Fujiko doesn't want to marry Jiroh'?"

"Ah," she feigned remembrance.

"You know we arranged this to strengthen our ties to the neighboring countries of Fantasy Land. Pink Pony Meadow seemed like the best candidate, as you grew up with the prince. Or are you not fond of Jiroh after all?"

Fujiko shook her head. "No, it's not that I do not like him."

"Then what is it?" The queen frowned. "Can it be…you love someone else?"

"No," she blatantly lied.

But her mother could always tell when she was lying. "Ah, so you do—"

"Your majesties!" a messenger soldier ran into the room, effectively cutting Yukimura off and sparing Fujiko from answering. He quickly kneeled down and began, "There have been reports of a great black dragon ravaging Pink Pony Meadow!"

King Sanada, who had been silent this whole time, abruptly stood up and barked, "What? But all the dragons are pink! I mean extinct!"

"We have witnesses, your majesty."

"Were there any casualties?"

At this, the messenger looked confused and thought to himself for a moment. "Actually…no, I was not informed of anyone getting hurt."

"Hm," Sanada grunted. "Inform me if anyone catches sight of it in Seigaku."

"Yes, your majesty."

***

That night, when Fujiko was sleeping…actually she wasn't sleeping, she was awake and reading a manga about tennis called "The Prince of Tennis". Anyway, she was reading and heard something hit her glass window. Clunk. Well, she thought, there was probably a scratch there now, which was pretty annoying, but she decided that she'd just make the servants change it tomorrow morning.

Then, again, clunk. And soon after, another clunk, a lot louder this time. Following the last clunk was a sound similar to the sound thin ice sometimes makes when someone heavy stands on top of it. Fujiko glared in the direction of her window, only to find rather large cracks on it, looking something like spider webs. She yanked her sliding door open (amazingly, the cracked glass did not shatter all over her) and stepped onto the balcony, seeing an irritated looking man about her age on the ground. His expression changed immediately when he saw her. "Oh, Fujiko!" he sang.

Fujiko smiled. "Ah, yes, you're…Adobe, was it?"

The muscles under his right eye twitched; she noticed a beauty mark there. "I am the Great Prince Atobe of Hyotei. Be awed at my prowess!" Atobe struck a pose.

Fujiko deadpanned. "Hyotei? Sorry, but I'm not supposed to associate with Hyoteians."

"O beautiful princess, please hear my pleas (however much Ore-sama is ashamed to beg). Could you come down for just a little while?"

"No."

Atobe was obviously not used to being refused. He blinked a few a times. "Well. Ore-sama wanted to say…" At this point his got down on one knee. "The moment Ore-sama caught sight of you playing tennis, I fell in love with your beauty and finesse. You are almost as perfect as me."

What a creeper, Fujiko thought.

"You have captured me with your flawless charm. It is on par with my own. We shall be perfect together! Will you marry me, Juliet?"

Who's Juliet? Fujiko raised one thin eyebrow. "Are you…aware…that I'm already engaged?"

Atobe raised a fist triumphantly and declared, "Our love will overcome any obstacle placed in our path! True love can conquer anything, and no prior engagements, or laws, can stop us!"

Fujiko stared at him, and turned around to leave.

"Sleep well and be strong, my love! Ore-sama will come back for you!"

Oh, joy.

***

Fujiko snuck out of the palace in the middle of night from her balcony by climbing into the claws of a huge black dragon. Somehow, no one had noticed it. Aw, darn, have the guards fallen asleep on watch duty again? I thought I told them not to do that. Anyhow. Together, they flew off into the night, in the direction of the Stone Mountains.

"Hey, dragon?"

"... Yes?"

"What should I call you? 'Dragon' seems like I'm referring to a tree or something."

"…Rachel."

"Ah, nice to meet you, Rachel."

"…"

There was a long pause which was filled with…absolute silence.

"So, what is it between you and Mister Tezuka?" Rachel the dragon asked.

Fujiko sighed dreamily. "Why, he is my true love."

"…"

"Oh, I'm sorry, is that too sappy for you?"

"…"

She took Rachel's unresponsiveness as a sign to go on. "Well, we were friends ever since…ever, actually. I always teased him when we were younger for being so serious all the time."

Rachel chuckled. "Then he hasn't changed."

Fujiko smiled, but Rachel didn't actually see that. But the purpose of the reader, yes, she smiled. "No, he hasn't. Not at all. Anyway, when we were ten, he kissed me and promised me that one day we'd run away and get married. We had the whole thing planned out. But his master died sooner than we'd thought, and Tezuka became the Wizard of the Lands. It would be impossible to…elope then, since he had a duty to the land that he couldn't abandon." Fujiko laughed wistfully. "Not even for me… But either way, we've been unofficially engaged for years. See?" She showed Rachel a ring on a chain around her neck. "So you see, there's no way I can go and marry Jiroh."

The dragon nodded her huge head once, slightly. "What a romantic and heartwarming story," she said impassively.

She playfully slapped the dragon's claw. "Hey, you asked," she retorted.

"Mmm."

Fujiko sighed. People in this story do that a lot. "You talk as little as he does."

"You become your company, yes?"

"Hm. No, I don't think so. I talk more than both of you combined."

"I noticed."

***

The word soon spread that the Seigakuen Princess Fujiko had been…kidnapped! Of course, it did not escape the ears of "Ore-sama" either. He immediately jumped onto his pure white horse and galloped north to Pink Pony Meadows, where the first thing he saw was a pink pony. A purple one trotted next to it.

"Good morning, Prince!" the pink one whinnied. "I am Melinda, and she is Chloe." The purple pony waved a hoof awkwardly in the air.

"What brings you here?" Chloe asked.

Atobe cleared his throat and said gallantly, "I am here to speak with your Prince, Jiroh!"

"…Oh," Chloe said. "Is that it?"

"Well, good luck then," Melinda finished and both turned and walked away.

"HOW DARE THEY WALK OUT ON ORE-SAMA?!"

After several hours of wandering aimlessly through the sunlit, grassy meadows and meeting pink bunnies and pretty butterflies and even a few unicorns, Atobe finally found Jiroh sleeping under a willow tree. He spent another hour waking the prince up. He finally did by pulling out a bugle horn from Who-knows-where, putting it right next to the Prince's head, and blowing it as hard as he could into his ear.

Jiroh yawned and stretched. "Awww…I wanted to sleep some more…"

"You! Ore-sama demands to know where you've taken the princess!"

The boy stared at him through half-lidded eyes and pointed to himself in confusion. "Me…?"

"You kidnapped her, didn't you?!"

"Nope." Jiroh turned around and started snoring again.

"Hey! Don't fall asleep again!" Atobe grabbed the poor boy's collar and shook him. "If you didn't do it, then help me find her!"

"Who?" came the lethargic voice.

Atobe's right eye started twitching again. "The princess. Fujiko."

Suddenly Jiroh's eyes shot wide open. "Fujiko?! Uwahhh! She's so awesome! Have you seen her play tennis before? She is AMAZING! Where is she now?!"

Right. In contrast to love, Jiroh's relationship with Fujiko was more of…one-sided, excessive "admiration".

"She's been kidnapped, and now we must go on an epic quest to save her."

"Oh. … Oh no! Whatever shall we do?"

"Who do you think might have done it?"

Jiroh made a weird facial expression. His "thinking very deeply one", probably. "Ummm…I dunno, but the great tiger probably would."

"You mean The Great Tiger, the awe-inspiringly powerful guardian of all of Fantasy Land, who sees all, knows all, and is capable of all?"

"Yeah…unless you know of some other tigers around here?"

Atobe ignored him. "It's ingenious! We shall go now!"

And so, they went on a quest to find The Great Tiger. Jiroh, by the way, had called Melinda and was now riding on her. Chloe didn't want to come because of something about "writing musicals and plays, no time". Now, in the middle of Fantasy Land was a magical lake called The Lake of Jell-O (it wasn't actually made of jello). It separated the two nations of Seigaku (to the west) and Hyotei (to the east). And you see, the Tiger Throne was in the very southwest corner of Fantasy Land, so to get from Pink Pony Meadow (which was situated in the north) to the throne, you would have to cross the lake. The only problem was that the lake was infested with piranhas. Normally the piranhas didn't bother anyone except the unfortunate other living beings in the lake, but they would attack if you were to row a boat across it. Atobe, being Atobe, ordered a ferry to take them across. However, the piranhas had the ability to jump VERY high. But Atobe blinded them all by flashing his bright white teeth at any who dared to jump so high, and the crew had no problem crossing the lake.

They even went so far as the ride through the Forest of Doom, which, contrary to popular belief, was a very happy place. In there, they met a kind griffin who introduced herself as Emily and led them to the Tiger Throne. The entrance was very intimidating because they were force to walk through a huge set of stone tiger jaws, and it didn't get much better once they were inside. It kept getting darker and darker and the passageways narrower and narrower, until it opened up to a huge, pitch-black room.

"You have visitors, O Great One," Emily announced and bowed. The others couldn't see her bow because it was, well, pitch-black, so they just stood there confused and slightly nervous.

Suddenly, the room was lit up by columns of flame dramatically shooting up from metal canisters lining the circular walls. They all looked up and saw The Great Tiger sitting majestically on an elaborately made throne.

A voice boomed, "I am The Great Tiger, Teresa the Magnificent and Infinitely Wise!" The flames died down and shot up again at this in a theatrical effect. "Oh weary travelers, what guidance from me have you come searching for?"

Evident power emanated from the throne. The tigress was in a human form, wearing a huge headdress of the head of a tiger; its claws resting on either side of her shoulders. A tail curled up around her and occasionally flicked in impatience.

Atobe spoke up, "O Great Tiger—"

She cut him off. "No, just Teresa is fine."

"Oh. Well then, Teresa, his fiancée (pointing to Jiroh) and the love of my life (pointing grandly to himself) has been captured. We—"

"Ah, yes, I heard about that. Never fear, I shall aid you on your quest. Yes…" The fire flared up and got even brighter. "…Now! Your princess has been taken by the Black Dragon of the Stone Mountains. You must seek the instruction of the Wizard of the Lands, for he knows how to guide you to her." Teresa nodded, pleased with herself. "I shall send Emily to lead you to him."

"You shall?" Emily questioned.

"Yes," the tiger said dangerously. "I shall. Go on now! I wish you the best of luck on your quest! A HA HA HA HA HA!"

Teresa's laughter boomed through the room and the group shuffled out of the cave, slightly faster than they had entered.

"Sorry you had to meet her like that," Emily apologized once they were outside. "She had coffee this morning. Sometimes she gets slightly…crazy when she has coffee. Other times she just slacks off and does pretty much nothing all day."

"Ah ha," Atobe nodded in agreement, even though he had no idea what the griffin was talking about. Coffee? What's coffee? He'd never heard of such a thing!

"How?" Melinda inquired. "Can she manipulate the fire in the room or something?"

"Oh yes," Emily nodded, "which helpful and cool as well as slightly irritating at times."

Emily led them back through the Forest of Doom and into the Stone Mountains just west of the forest. Indeed, there were many stones in the Stone Mountains. Big ones, little ones, medium-sized ones, tiny ones, microscopic ones, enormous ones, and ones that threatened to fall onto their sorry heads if disturbed. As she led them deeper and deeper, it got darker and darker until they came to…a quaint little hut.

"The Wizard lives in…that tacky little thing?!" Atobe exclaimed.

"Oh no, that's just his vacation home," Emily replied.

Before they could knock, the door swung open revealing a tall, cloaked young man with a stern face and a regal presence. He didn't speak, but waited for them to.

"Tezuka," Emily said, "they want to meet Rachel."

Tezuka nodded and went back inside, only to return a few seconds later with a long wooden stick (a staff?) in hand. "Let's go then."

They walked for about five minutes until they came to a clearing in the many rocks. Lying in the middle was a great black dragon who looked very bored. Sitting on the dragon's forearm was Fujiko in all her smiley-ness.

"You came!" she cried happily.

Atobe drew his sword with a heroic valor and pointed it at the dragon. "Fearsome man-eating dragon! If you touch a hair on my dear Fujiko's head, I shall slay you without mercy."

The dragon rolled her eyes at him. "I'm a vegetarian," she grunted.

The prince blinked. "Oh. Then what do you want?"

Rachel yawned. "Just a sacrifice of some sort. If you want to guarantee this girl's safety."

Atobe put his sword down and sniffed. "Oh, what a touching ending to our romance, dear Fujiko. I love you so much, I shall volunteer to be taken in your place."

Fujiko on the other hand was looking at Tezuka weirdly. This wasn't in the script. But then again, Atobe hadn't been included in the plan in the first place and it worked out just fine, so they guessed it was okay.

Atobe deliberately walked over and kissed Fujiko's hand, bidding her a tearful farewell. "Goodbye, my love. I wish you a long, happy life. Do not spiral into a dark depression now that I am gone, live joyfully."

"Okay."

Rachel sighed. "The things I do for you, Mister Tezuka," she mumbled and took off into the sky, with Atobe on her back. Neither he nor Melinda noticed that Jiroh had been sleeping there too, and was now flying off with the pair. How had he gotten there? Well, that's for Tezuka to know and for you never to find out.

Fujiko and Tezuka returned hand in hand to Seigaku, where they told all of Fantasy Land of the noble way that Atobe and Jiroh offered themselves to the frightening dragon in place of their princess. Now that there were no more princes in the land, king and queen agreed to have Fujiko married to Tezuka. There was always her younger brother, Yuuta, of course. Wasn't there a nice princess in the other neighboring kingdom?

Everyone agreed that Fujiko and Tezuka were perfect for each other, and the whole of Fantasy Land attended their wedding. The pony Melinda came with Chloe, who was in charge of the music. Eiji the cat and his best friend Oishi the dog, and Kirihara were there too. Fujiko's cousin, Kaido, came even though he knew that Atobe's old friend Momo would be there too (Their rivalry was what created the hostility between Seigaku and Hyotei, but the two nations had made up not long before), who was followed by his friend Ryoma. The blind piranhas came.

THE BLIND PIRANHAS CAME.

The pink bunnies, pretty butterflies, and unicorns from Pink Pony Meadow also came, and Emily the griffin and even The Great Tiger, Teresa the Magnificent and Infinitely Wise, stopped by. Teresa's entrance was just as loud and dramatic as it had been the previous time as she graced them with her presence, never lacking in bright flames and fireworks. The apothecary, Inui, who was not mentioned in this story but WAS mentioned in Romeo and Juliet was also there, but really, no one wanted to try his refreshments.

It was truly a celebration to be remembered for some generations to come (and forgotten soon after). King Sanada sat proudly and Queen Yukimura got all teary-eyed as they all witnessed the wonderful marriage of two true loves. And they lived happily ever after.

But of course they did. They were the perfect pair, after all.

Get it…PERFECT PAIR??? A ha, I crack myself up. XD The characters other than the PoT ones all have the names of my friends (Teresa is me).

So I might make a sequel to this or something else in this universe for the next chapter, I'm not really sure yet. Any suggestions? I'm open to…pretty much anything actually, it's easier with a prompt (I'm not very creative!). Some other humor-centric or parody theme is good too.

You can go to my profile for links to my drawings of most of the characters mentioned in this story (The only ones missing are the piranhas, bunnies, butterflies, and unicorns).

Review…please? I'll give you virtual cookie once I figure out how to do that on . =D