Twilight on Windows Live!
Chapter XLIX: Emmett Breaks Edward's Stick, Edward Poofs Up a New Stick to Beat Him With, Bella Shoves Dog Crap in Edward's Face, and Jasper Laughs So Hard He Somehow Craps His Pants

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own jacked up imagination. I also don't own Pervy Sage, who I randomly mention. Heck, he's not even in Twilight, he's in Naruto :P

A/N: Sorry I didn't update like I promised. The stomach virus sucks :/ But anyways, I'm gonna make this extra funny to make up for it :D

Carlisle: Carlizzle My Nizzle

Edward: Mind Your Own Business

Emmett: Beary McBearington

Jacob: BigBadWolf

Jasper: Feeling Your Pain

Alice: Hyperactive Fairy

Bella: No One Knows

Esme: Mother War

Renesmee: LochNessMonster

Rosalie: Blondie

PART I: MSN CHAT

Beary McBearington, Feeling Your Pain, and No One Knows have signed on

No One Knows: UGH! WHY ARE YOU GUYS THE ONLY PEOPLE ONLINE!

Feeling Your Pain: Why, hello to you too, Mrs. Grouchy Pants.

No One Knows: Grouchy Pants? Seriously?

Feeling Your Pain: Well, you're grouchy, and probably wearing pants. Hence the name, "Grouchy Pants."

No One Knows: Well, if you say so... Hey, why's Emmett being so quiet?

Feeling Your Pain: I'm not sure... His emotions are... mischeivous... EMMETT, WHAT DID YOU BREAK!

Beary McBearington: *giggles* I... broke... *giggles*

No One Knows: You broke... what?

Beary McBearington: I broke... *giggles* I broke...

Feeling Your Pain: WHAT DID YOU BREAK, DARNIT!

Beary McBearington: I BROKE EDWARD'S STICK!

No One Knows: O.o

Feeling Your Pain: Bella... Did you honestly take that in a perverted way?

No One Knows: I'm sorry, your wife has destroyed me.

Feeling Your Pain: Ah, I understand. Alice is... a Pervy Sage, to say the least.

Hyperactive Fairy has signed on

Hyperactive Fairy: Who's a Pervy Sage, dear?

Feeling Your Pain: No one, Honey... I was talking about Edward...

Hyperactive Fairy: O, speaking of Edward! Emmett, Edward is coming after you right...

Beary McBearington has been forcibly signed off

Hyperactive Fairy: ...now -_-

No One Knows: O dear, Emmett should be smarter than to break Edward's stick... ALICE, DON'T GO ALL PERVY SAGE ON ME, NOW!

Hyperactive Fairy: That just looked wrong altogether -_-

Feeling Your Pain: Hey, you can hear them arguing! Let's all sign off and go see what's up!

No One Knows: Let's do it!

Hyperactive Fairy: ...

No One Knows: ...Remind me to smack you later.

Hyperactive Fairy: Nah :D

Feeling Your Pain, No One Knows, and Hyperactive Fairy have signed off to go see Emmett get his butt kicked :D

PART II: EMMETT GETS HIS BUTT KICKED

Okay, so this was the big moment. Emmett was about to get his butt kicked. I think I've said that about 15 times in the past few sentences, so if you didn't already know that, you're stupid. Or maybe you're special. Or maybe you're special and still don't know who Ed is. Maybe you're THAT bad off. But anyways. Enough of my random ramblings (just for the record, the first time I typed this out I typed random randomlings). ONTO THE STORY!

So, Emmett's getting his butt kicked. I'm pretty sure we all got that much. Everyone was crowded around, watching Edward fight Emmett. It was funny though, 'cause Edward was fighting like a chick. He was flinging his hands up and down like a special person trying to slap him, and pulling his hair, and for some reason Emmett had on earrings that Edward was pulling. And at the end, you'll never guess what happened... That's right. Emmett got his butt kicked. Didn't think that would happen, huh?

O yea, and then, out of nowhere, a random unicorn named Frank fell out of the sky with... OMG, IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS? OMGW, IT IS! A STICK! Yes, Frank the Unicorn fell out of the sky... well, more like *poof*ed out of the sky, with a stick on his back. And you know what? Edward stole it from him.

Frank was mad about it, though. "MY STICK!", he shouted over and over. "YOU CAN'T TOUCH MY STICK! IT'S MIIIIIIIIIINE!" While this had Alice dying laughing, everyone else was slightly scared to death. Was this unicorn innocent, or a Pervy Sage? The world may never know. But apparently, he didn't like his stick to be touched. I'm pretty sure that's all we need to know.

So, after Edward stole Frank's stick, he started beating on Emmett with it, and Emmett was screaming "MOMMY! SAVE ME BEFORE HE LITERALLY BEATS ME TO DEATH! HE'S EVEN MORE ABUSIVE THAN ROSE!"

To that comment, Rose stood up with a really sharp knife in her hand which for some reason randomly *poof*ed there. I don't even know what's up with all the *poof*ing. It just kinda... happens. And anyways, she held the knife high over her head like she was about to slice him to death, with a look in her eye that said "What did you just say... Honey?" Ah, if looks could kill. But, instead of slicing up Emmett, she sliced up this cake that Esme had made earlier for everyone to eat. ...Yea, don't ask questions. I'm a bit stoned on Mountain Dew right now.

After a while, Bella got bored of watching everyone threaten to kill each other. So, what does she do about it, you may ask? She *poof*s up a magical pile of dog crap and throws it right in Edward's face, shouting "LEAVE EMMETT ALONE! I DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO HIS WHINING MOUTH ANYMORE!"

After this remark, everyone just kinda froze. Edward had Emmett's earring in one hand, and a lock of Emmett's hair in another hand. Esme was holding up a poster that said "TEAM EDWARD" and Carlisle was holding up a sign that said "TEAM EMMETT". Rosalie was still cutting up that cake that *poof*ed out of nowhere with that knife that had also *poof*ed out of nowhere. Alice was talking to Frank about his stick, which made her die laughing and him just kinda back away slowly. I guess he wasn't a pervy sage after all. And then over in the corner...

...Jasper was laughing so hard that for some reason he was able to crap himself. No one knew how that happened, because nobody knew that vampires could poop. But Jasper managed to do it. Which caused everyone to literally roll around on the floor laughing. Except Edward. He just kinda stood there, trying to get the taste of dog crap out of his mouth. But that wasn't gonna happen, so he just kinda gave up and started laughing at Jasper.

"Well... this'll be a story to remember," noted Jasper embarrassingly, holding onto his butthole to make sure that no crap fell out.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this piece of crap. I know y'all are probably mad at me for not updating when I said I would. Believe me, I've had enough mental/emotional breakdowns in the past 3 days to kill an average person. But whatever. Hope you enjoyed my crap!