Cereal here. So you're all saying 'Hey, it's that crazy bitch again'.
You'd all be right. XD
First let me say; JESUS CHRIST 97 REVIEWS FOR 'RHW!' *faints* I love each and every one of you to death. Thank you for the beautiful comments!
This is some pointless humor fic that I did in a couple of hours to relieve stress. Have fun. Oh and...erm...for those of you who are wondering about 'Sasuke and the Llama'...weeeeellll, the llama isn't cooperating yet but he'll be up for your viewing pleasure in a few days. promise! JA!
Dedication: For ChAnTi, who gave me the awesomest rewiew ever. This is for you darling, so we can all become 'smeckledwarfed'...{sry, inside joke XD}
Title: Random Word Association
Summary: At his wits end Sasuke's shrink decides to try something new.
Disclaimer:
Cereal:YES! Yes goddamnit Naruto is mine! MINE I TELL YOU-
*knock at door*
*Cereal answers*
Cereal: Hello Mr. Big Scary Federal Officer. What can I do you for, and yes you may take that literally.
Law enforcement: ....
Cereal: ...what? What do you mean he's not mine? Kishimoto gave him to m-
Law enforcement: ....
Cereal: *sighs* Yes I have been repeatedly told to take my medication.
ps. NO OFFENSE is meant to Michael Jackson. I love that man.
oh...and i don't own Naruto....XD
A/N: IMPORTANT: YOU MUST READ THIS!
Okay, so a couple technical factors for you to understand this fic. Sorry for the lesson but it is needed. Random Word Association is a psychological test made by Freud that analyses you based on your immediate reactions to certain words. The shrink says one word and you have to answer with the word that first comes to mind eg. Meow. Second, the way how this test analyses is not only the word you respond with but also the time it takes for you to respond. Freud's theory is that answers given quickly are things you are okay with and don't trouble you but answers that take a long time to come are the ones that indicate subconscious turmoil. E.g: If you're superstitious and your shrink says "magic" it would take a while (over three or four seconds) for you to answer and say something like "witch". Okay. Get it.
Whew; lesson over. Apart from that…enjoy the hilarity. The time frames for the important answers are also placed with the responses so you can get double the humor. PAY ATTTENTION TO THE TIME FRAMES WHEN GIVEN PPL! XD
Enjoy:
***
"What am I doing here again?"
Kakashi smiled benignly at the surly, black clad teenager sitting across the battered oak table in the drab grey room of the Guidance and Counseling centre of Tokyo U's Arts Department.
Said teenager was none other than Uchiha Sasuke, heir to the Uchiha Designs Inc, Fine Arts Major, school heartthrob, aesthetics genius and resident pain in Kakashi's ass.
"Your Dadaism Lecturer says you're behaving….abnormal…in his class."
"And what the fuck does a Dada teacher know about being normal?"
Kakashi fought the severe twitch developing in his left eye and forced the smile to stay on his face.
"Sasuke-"
"Uchiha-san."
"Sasuke."Kakashi continued like he hadn't heard. "You cannot keep this up. This is the third time in two weeks that you've been sent here by the same lecturer."
The grey haired psychologist reached over to the inch thick folder he kept in a tray specifically marked "The Emo Brat" and began to read aloud the list of behavioral "offences" the brunet had racked up since his enrollment in September.
"…Antisocial behavior, extreme reticence, incapable of team assignments, self-isolation, communication problems, verbal assault-"
Sasuke shot up in his seat. "Verbal Assault?"
Kakashi looked up calmly. "You are aware that terming Ms Yamanaka as and I quote "that empty-headed, anorexic, rug-munching, ten cent slut" is considered offensive yes?"
Sasuke blinked.
"…No?"
Kakashi buried his face in his hands.
Everything. He had tried EVERYTHING.
Every psychoanalysis treatment known to man had been gone through in desperate futile attempts to get to the bottom of Sasuke's bad attitude and horrid social conduct. Three or four times a week, every week, for the past six months the young Uchiha turned up- without fail- in his office with a complaint from one of his teachers about his behavior.
First it had been Sasuke back talking his human anatomy lecturer about the beauty of the female body. The brunet had stated quite firmly that there was nothing even remotely interesting about the mutated mounds of fat and flesh females called breasts. Insulted and shrieking about the many great wonders of boobs, Jiraiya had ordered Sasuke to the school's shrink to have his brain tested for 'defects'.
Kakashi had immediately thought Sasuke's misogyny had stemmed from the loss of his mother through a messy divorce in his tender child hood. The silver haired man had then, quite thoughtfully in his opinion, placed his patient on the Freudian couch so Sasuke could be comfortable while discussing such a sensitive topic. Kakashi had expected a heart to heart, he had expected tears, he had expected remorse; what he got was Sasuke's furious sneer while the brunet glared at him and said, quite crudely, that women were lip-gloss wearing, over perfumed, tittering wastes of carbon; that no cunt on earth would ever entice him and that Kakashi should stop trying to mind-fuck him into talking to a retarded shrink.
And that had been the beginning of the beautiful relationship.
Two weeks after that had been the incident with Sasuke deliberately leaving acrylic paint on his Body-Art partner's body, coaxing Sakura Haruno to stay still while he painted on canvas the design inked into her skin. She'd stayed still all right, even after she'd realized her skin was itching something fierce. Three hours later Haruno ended up in Konoha General Hospital for blood poisoning and to this day Uchiha still swears that he had no idea how poisonous lead shavings had ended up in the paint.
So of course the Uchiha's file had been updated to include 'Sadism' and 'violent tendencies.'
This time Kakashi had tried inkblot tests. Card after card were gone through by a patiently smiling Kakashi while the fucking annoyance had just sat there and stared at him while snidely saying "Inkblot…inkblot…inkblot…ohhh I know!-inkblot…inkblot…"
Oh hadn't that one been fun. He'd missed his three year anniversary date with Iruka for that one. Matter of fact he was still sleeping on the couch.
Jung himself couldn't have done better.
Free Association
Conversation
Freudian Relaxation
Fuck, he'd even done shock therapy, and still nothing worked. He was no closer to understanding the Uchiha or what made him act like he did…and since Kakashi wasn't quite willing to believe Sasuke was the spawn of pure evil…yet….he had to find a way.
Staring up to the annoyed black eyes glaring at him Kakashi mulled through what Sasuke was good at. Art, definitely or he wouldn't be at Tokyo U…erm…literature maybe since Sasuke was always in the library, and….well to be honest the only thing Kakashi knew Sasuke was really good at was insults. The nineteen year old had a glare that could peel paint and barbed insults to crumble the bare walls after he was done.
Words.
That was it!
Lo and behold, the answer came to him in a beam of light surrounded by the hallelujah chorus; 'Random Word Association'. The test that could coax answers out of the Uchiha whether he knew it was happening or not. He knew Sasuke was almost physically incapable of biting back at any words thrown at him and Kakashi just knew this one would work. He'd have to be sneaky about it though. If he was too excited the brunet would smell a rat. With a martyred sigh he sat up slowly.
"So Sasuke, you aren't going to tell me what made you call Orochimaru-sensei, to his face "a pedophilic, snake-fucking, Japanese Michal Jackson'?"
No answer.
Psh. Like he'd expected one.
"Alright Sasuke, you and I both know the routine. I have to test you for the school logs and then you can be on your way."
"…Can we not and say we did?"
"No Sasuke." Kakashi smiled, his lone visible eye curving with the motion "That would be lying and against my Hippocratic oath."
Sasuke rolled his eyes and mumbled under his breath "Hippocratic oath my left nut." Louder, with the voice of a tortured saint he added, "So what is it today? Are you going to try the conversation thing again because I think it might be fun to discuss the appalling lack of sex you're having. Seriously Kakashi, you should see the stress lines on your face. Can't you just tie him down or something?"
Kakashi knew the prissy little shit was baiting him but he replied anyway, smoothing an insult into his words.
"No I couldn't. Normal people call that 'rape'."
And Sasuke just stared at him blankly.
"You mean there's some other way you get some? Fuck, how? Drugs?"
Kakashi firmly reminded himself that Iruka would be pissed if he murdered a student.
"Cut the crap Sasuke. Let's just get this over with."
"Fine with me." The black haired boy slouched back in his seat somehow making the move look refined. "What are we doing?"
"Well…er…the only thing we haven't tried," short of killing you and hiding the remains that is, "Is Random Word Association."
No reaction. Kakashi pressed on with a bare flicker of hope flaring in his gut.
"You know how this works right? I say one word and you just tell me the first word that comes to your mind. No restrictions, no censorships."
Uchiha looked confused and suspicious for a second before shrugging. He saw absolutely no way this could harm him and he could always ignore Kakashi's psychobabble after.
"Sure. Why not? In the absence of a better entertainment factor, have at it."
The masked man could have crowed with joy. Reaching into a side drawer he pulled out a clean sheet of paper, a small stopwatch and the Psychology Association's pre-approved list of trigger words and smiled.
"Ready?"
"Sure. This can't be serious anyway."
Oh how Sasuke would regret those words.
'Alright, here we go. 'White'."
"Green." [0.06]
For a long moment Kakashi just stared at the raven. What the fuck? The normal answer was 'black' but…then again…this was Sasuke. He shook his silvery head and continued, dutifully writing down the answer and the time.
"Pencil?"
"Stencil" [0.07]
"Ice?"
"Rice" "
"Blue?"
"Clue" "
"Friend?"
"Mend." "
Kakashi lost his patience. "This is NOT a rhyming game Sasuke, now play fair."
The Uchiha sighed, pissed that he'd been caught. "Alright, fine. Continue."
Settling back down Kakashi crossed out the last four answers.
"Good. Now 'Friend'?"
Sasuke sighed and leaned back staring at the ceiling.
"…Fuck…I don't know..um..Neji…I guess." [4.6sc] Kakashi's eyes widened at the time length. They were definitely getting somewhere.
"Oak?"
"Study."
"Lion?"
"…Simba."
"Witch?"
"McGonagall."
"Wardrobe."
"What the fuck is this, Narnia?"
Kakashi sighed. It had been fun while it lasted.
"Cat."
"Pussy." [1.4sc]
Kakashi reeled back at the statement then grinned mischievously, leaned forward and leered.
"Pussy?"
"AIDS" [0.6sc]
The psychologist wanted to slap himself for walking into that one.
"Hair?"
"Blond."[1.2] Kakashi's eyebrows rose. It wasn't the ready answer that surprised him, what did was the soft tone of voice the word was said in. Since the younger man was obviously brunet did Sasuke have some interest in a blonde? There weren't that many blondes on campus and Kakashi adjusted his questions to try and ferret out who it was.
"Go?"
"Away."
"Taste?"
"Sweet" [3.5sc] Now that was a surprise. In the same softer, almost caring tone Sasuke had said something he openly despised. Kakashi tried to follow up on it.
'Salt?"
The brunet who was no longer looking at Kakashi wrinkled his nose.
"Water." [1.8] Well that was a bust.
"Radio?"
"Rock"
"Car?"
"Drive"
"Hit?"
"…and Run" Sasuke shrugged out. [1.3sc]
Kakashi rolled his eyes.
" Father"
Sasuke's entire body froze up before his voice strangled out "Cold" [7.4sc]
Kakashi went wide eyed. Sasuke had no idea exactly how much that answer had revealed about his family relationships.
"Old?"
"Fart"
"Gem?"
The brunet shrugged
"Sapphire" [0.15sc] The same soft tone again. Interesting.
"Eyes?" Kakashi asked on a hunch.
"Big" Damn not the answer he'd hoped for but he continued.
"Huge?"
"Dick." [0.3sc]
The older man was well aware that his jaw was hanging open. In the thick silence Sasuke looked up at him and smirked.
"What you thought I liked women?"
Again, Kakashi wanted to slap himself. How could he have missed that? The obvious hatred towards females was such a glaring clue it made him wonder if he really was getting old.
Closing his mouth the man smirked back. Heh, things would be getting a lot more risqué now with that little confession.
"Crash?"
" …and Burn"
Violent little bastard wasn't he?
"Children?"
"Pests"
"Kill?"
"Itachi." [0.01sc]
Kakashi paused sure he hadn't heard right.
"Itachi?" he queried "As in your…brother…like by blood. That Itachi? Family?"
Sasuke furrowed his brows genuinely confused.
"What's your point?"
Kakashi just moved on.
"Right?"
"Hand" The psychologist smirked. Spend a lot of time with your hand Sasuke?
"Sakura?"
"Bitch." [0.3sc]
"…I'm talking about the tree Sasuke."
"Again…what's your point?"
The elder man rolled his blue eyes and continued hoping for a certain reaction with the next one.
"Sex."
A delicious shiver ran down the brunet's spine and Kakashi had to fight his grin.
"Syrup". [1.2sc]
Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh. Kinky.
"Chocolate?"
"Sauce"
"Cream?"
"Cum."[0.5sc]
Wow…you didn't get more straightforward than that. The silver haired man leaned back in his chair immensely enjoying this conversation for reasons he weren't sure were purely scientifical.
"Skin?"
"Tan"
Kakashi had to fight his gut reaction to jumping up in his chair. The clues were adding up. Blonde; Male; Tan, all he needed were some more connections. He chose his next word carefully.
"Fill?"
Again Sasuke shuddered and his stomach muscles contracted. "Me." [2.4sc]
Kakashi hid his smile. So Sasuke bottomed huh. That meant this boy was Sasuke seme and the Uchiha kind of came off as the type who'd want a taller, bigger man. Also considering the brunet's sadism this blond would be someone well desired just so the Uchiha could rub it in every one's face that he had what they didn't
Tall, blond, tan, muscular, sexually dominate, well desired….hmmmm. Just whom are you fucking Uchiha? And how the hell can he put up with an asshole like you?
He'd leave it…for now. No need for the bitchy prodigy to get suspicious.
"Kick?"
"Puppies"
Pleasant fucker wasn't he?
"Mother?"
'…of god"
"I didn't know you were religious Sasuke."
Sasuke smirked. "That's because you didn't let me finish. Mother…of god… you're a fucking moron."
Kakashi ignored him.
"Menace?"
"Ibiki."
"Thick?" Kakashi smile coyly.
"Hard." Sasuke replied catching on with a smirk.
Damn, and Kakashi'd been so close too. Oh well, back to the approved words.
"Morning"
"Sucks" Heh. Guess the Uchiha wasn't a morning person.
"Afternoon"
"Lunch"
"Twilight"
"Jacob."
Kakashi was confused. What the hell was a 'Jacob'…meh…whatever.
"Gay?"
"Gai."
Kakashi raised his eyebrow.
"Oh come on." Sasuke smirked leaning back into his chair. "Gay Gai was a joke waiting to happen."
The silver haired man grudgingly admitted that the Uchiha was right and berated himself for not thinking of it first.
"Paint?"
"Ball"
"Bed?"
"-room"
"Wet?"
"Sex"
"Axe?"
"Murder."
Kakashi just stared for a moment. "Sasuke you sick fuck."
The Uchiha shrugged. "Moving on."
"Scar?"
"Six" Kakashi was barely able to conceal his excitement. Specific numbers in Random Association Tests were important. Six scars….who the hell has six…
And then it connected.
Like a mac-truck to the head.
……holy fuck.
The unholy smile that lit up the psychologist's face sparked apprehension in the younger's eyes but the masked man said nothing. He wanted the brunet to trip himself up.
Sasuke suddenly levered himself up and looked Kakashi dead in the eye.
"Red?"
Kakashi blinked but shot back automatically "Brown."
"Tall?"
"Short. Sasuke what-"
"Animal?"
"Dolphin. Sasuke I'm the one examining you here not the-"
"Hn. Just play along scarecrow." Sasuke leaned back. "Rigid?"
"Strict"
"Deep?"
"Deeper."
"Is he tight?"
"Like a motherfuck.... Wait…god damnit Uchiha how did you-"
Sasuke smirked. "So how long have you been fucking Iruka?"
"T-three years."
"I thought you'd have better taste than the painfully shy librarian Kakashi"
Kakashi huffed quite put out.
"HA! You're one to talk! You're fucking with a faculty member! Which is illegal, might I add, and don't talk about taste in men when you're with the Sculpture TA, that idiot Naruto to boot. What would Itachi say if he found out? What would you tell him?"
Sasuke grinned evilly.
"I'd tell him to get an eyeful of Naruto's cock and then try to come lecture me. Doubt he'd be able to though."
Kakashi raised an eyebrow.
"I walked in on him on all fours taking it from Kisame."
"Jesus nephew." Kakashi muttered under his breath to the younger man. "No wonder you need therapy."
Sasuke shuddered again and turned to face his uncle. Well, half uncle at least. Kakashi was the bastard child of Uchiha Fuji -Sasuke's paternal grandfather-and the younger brother by ten years of Fugaku. Forced to accept the stigma of his birth the rebellious teen had bleached his pitch black hair bone white and had kept it that way for the rest of his life. He covered his face and left eye as well to stop himself from seeing the classic beauty of the Uchiha features, unmistakable to anyone with half a brain. After grad school and adopting his mothers maiden name Uchiha Kakashi had dropped off the face of the earth and no one had heard from him again until Sasuke had turned up at Tokyo U 6mths ago and found his missing uncle staring at him across from the table in the psycho wing of the school he'd been sent to for 'behavioral treatment'.
"So."Sasuke asked "What've you deduced from our pointless little conversation o Great Second Coming of Sherlock Holmes?"
Kakashi smiled and answered flippantly choosing instead to keep the serious emotional deficiencies he'd discovered in Sasuke to himself. "Nothing except what I knew already. You're one mean, sick twisted asshole who likes kinky sex and might choose a career as a serial killer."
Sasuke's grinned and was about to retort but a knock on the door startled both of them. A messy blond head poked itself around the doorjamb and the intruder grinned.
"Er, sorry to bother you Kakashi but can I steal Sas- I mean- Uchiha- kun for a moment?"
The nineteen year old rolled his eyes.
"Drop the act Naruto he found out."
The tall blond slipped fully inside the room and closed the door apprehension in his blue eyes as he faced Kakashi.
"Are we in trouble?"
For a moment cruel and interesting blackmail options danced in front of Kakashi's eyes but when he glanced back up and saw the look passing between his colleague and his nephew he sighed. Who was he-or the federal law- to stand in the way of love?
"Tell you what Naruto," he addressed the blond twenty-four year old who had come to stand behind his younger lover. "You keep your pet on a shorter leash and make him behave and if I don't see his smug face for the next two weeks we'll consider it even."
Sasuke spun around baring his teeth like a pissed off panther.
"What the fuck do you think I am you circus reject? An animal? I –"
"Sasuke" Naruto interrupted smoothly his voice dropping to a sensual growl with the following order "Be quiet and thank your uncle."
It wasn't spoken but the 'or else' rang clearly through the room.
Kakashi grinned finally enjoying the sweet motion of karma and the look of immediate compliance on Sasuke's face. Looked like there was someone who could control the Uchiha after all.
"Yes Sasuke thank your uncle." he crooned.
The Uchiha had been vaguely wondering if he could get away with drawing and quartering his uncle in his back yard but upon realizing the command in Naruto voice and the threat of no sex pasted a sickly sweet smile on his face. "Oh, of course. Thank you Uncle" Getting out of the chair he leaned forward so only Kakashi could hear him and in a voice which did Orochimaru credit hissed,
"Thaaaat's right, keep smiling while you can. If Naruto holds out on sex then you better avoid dark corners you fucker because when you least expect it, when you relaxed, alone and masturbating in your car, BAM! I will find you and fuck you up. I know where you live remember?" Right before he spun around and looked innocently at Naruto with a completely pure 'who, me' smile plastered across delicate features. Amazingly the blonde bought it.
"Man," Kakashi thought "What a dumb sucker."
Naruto's tan, whisker marked face broke out into a grin.
"Well done Sasuke. Come on I'll walk you back to class."
The blond looped his arm around the still 'smiling' artist and headed them out the door.
Kakashi was mesmerized by the sight; a tall, radiant, sunny haired and golden skinned man dressed in varying shades of orange and blue hugging a surly, black clad, pale, goth-wannabe who's left eye was ticking from the strain of holding a smile on his face.
It was like Paris Hilton and Marilyn Manson.
Yeesh.
Right before he turned out the door Sasuke glared back at him and mouthed
'Dark corners Kakashi. Watch it."
"See you in two weeks brat" He yelled back joyfully.
Ahh, two weeks. Two weeks or pure freedom and no Uchiha related problems. What to do?
Wait…dumb question.
Molest Iruka….duh.
****
(Side note)
(2 weeks later after the thirteen day 'no sex' period Naruto had established in order to punish Sasuke for his bad social behavior)
"Hey Sasuke," The sweaty cum covered blond questioned from his sprawled position on the wide, rumpled bed in his apartment while looking up at his naked black haired lover, "Why are you taking a butcher knife to school?"
(end sidenote)
****
Owari.
****
A/N.
HA! Shocks and horrors people! I wrote something with no smut. Le gasp!
Man, talk about random fics. This plot bunny just hit me while I was reading over the 'Jack the Ripper' line in RHW. XD
So. Do you like?
You know what I realized a couple days ago…I cant read fics without some sort of perverted angle to it…Even if the fic has no sex it has to have something suggestive or else I'm like "where's the man*man damnit?"….great….and now I sound like a pervert.
Oh, no offense to Paris Hilton or Marilyn Manson either. XD
So anyway. Review please, let me know if my humor is…well…normal.
Oh last thing….I just realized that all my Sasuke's are mentally disturbed…man…harsh.
pss. If a proper psychologist reads this then please note that I know absolutely jack shit about psychoanalysis. The information given was amassed from Wikipedia and this was all done for shits and giggles...never let it be said that I don't research my plots. XD
Ja!
REVIEW DAMNIT!
Cereal; Proud member of the Yaoi Rebellion.