Waffles, an invader zim fanfic

Waffles

The Prologue

How I knew something was wrong

Zim's POV

The first sign I got that something was wrong was in the middle of a fight. All of a sudden it smelled sweet. Sickly sweet. I got distracted. He got in a good shot. Damn him.

Then it happened again a few days later, that same sickly sweet smell in the heat of an argument. I got distracted again looking for the smell. He won. Sort of. I hate it when he wins.

The third time it finally hit me, that smell was coming from me. I was releasing pheromones. I freaked out and left him there where we were fighting. He looked confused but shouted taunts at me as I ran, like a good little rival.

Pheromones. That had never happened to me before. I was actually attracted to something. And of course that something had to be the Dib-stink. Great. As if life didn't suck hard enough as it was. I was stuck on some pissant planet in the back waters of the universe. Trapped for who knows how long on a mission where no one care if I succeed. At least I got taller. That was nice. It would have been better to be on a really invader mission but the height was a nice consolation. I was still short compared to my earthling peers but the extra foot or so kept the whole mission from being unbearably depressing.

But back to how life likes to kick my ass and laugh at my pain. I thought back to the short pamphlet that passes for sex education on Irk. Irkens pick their mates by scent. We release pheromones to let potential mates know that we're interested. Not that we really mate and have babies, it's mostly automated now. But picking a partner is still called mating. Why on earth, not that earth is deeply logical, would I want to mate with the Dib-monkey?

Never mind, don't answer that.

I'm just glad it took me this long to figure out I wanted to mate with him. From what I've seen of human sexual maturity it would have been even more horrifying to have these sorts of feeling when I first landed. I forget how young he is some times. He's practically still a smeet.

Maybe there was some truth to that rumor about me being a screw-up. I was such a loser on my planet I could only fall for the biggest loser on this planet.

NO! Zim IS NOT A LOSER!! That just some strange rumor started by my enemies who want me to fail for I am great and powerful!

Alright good, now that that's settled, what to do? About the mating thing, not the part where I am great and powerful. On Irk this would be so much simpler. If he too where releasing compatible pheromones then I'd known I've found my mate. None of this silly uncertainty stuff. You know, as primitive as earthlings are some of the things on this rock are capable of release pheromones. I know because I once walk in to the scent plume of mating grasshoppers. Awkward. Maybe humans have pheromones too but I yet to figured out what they are.

GIR! To the research lab!

A few days later I was armed with the knowledge I needed, ready to do battle with the foul but attractive Dib-stink. Humans did indeed experience a chemical change when in the presence of those they felt attraction to. Their primitive earth pheromones were below the sensing levels of my antenna but it was no matter. I am not called Zim the genius for nothing! Alright, so maybe no one calls me Zim the genius yet, but they will, one day! Using my superior knowledge of metaphysics and pseudoscience I created a device to measure these chemical changes in the Dib-monkey. If the Dib-monkey liked me I was going to know about it!

It was tough going in the beginning. I blew out the device the first time I switched it on. How was I supposed to know there would be so many hormonal people in high school?

The second attempt went much better. I lured Dib out to an abandoned play ground with threats of death and fuzzy mammals. After a minute or two of arguing my machine's chime went off to let me know it had the answer. I quickly ended the fight with a water balloon to the head and ran off to analyze my data.

Fifteen minutes later I knew. I had my answer. The Dib-monkey liked me back. I began planning my next move. Now the real fun begins.

Chapter 1

Dib awoke with a start. It was that dream again, he'd been having the same dream for the last couple of weeks. Well it wasn't really the same dream, things changed but the people in it stayed the same. He buried his head under the covers trying to block out the images. It didn't mean a thing, it was merely a hormonal imbalance. Plenty of boys his age had dreams like that.

Yes, but how many of them dream about obnoxious green aliens who can't control the volume of their voice. wait...strike that MALE obnoxious green aliens.

Great, not only was he turning into a xenophile, he was turning in to a homosexual xenophile.

Dib closed his eyes tighter and tried to clear his mind and go back to sleep.

"Hey, you!...DIB HUMAN!!!!!" Zim's shout was unmistakable from across the hall. "WAIT! HALT FOR YOUR ALLPOWERFUL OVERLORD ZIM!!"

Dib waited patiently in the crowed hallway knowing that Zim would keep shouting until he complied.

"What do you want Zim-wit?"

Zim panted a little out of breath from chasing Dib down. "Inferior..*pant* human scum, ZIM COMANDS THAT YOU MEET HIM AFTER SCHOOL...behind the gym don't be late OR I SHALL FIND YOUR PATETIC HUMAN CARCAS AND DRAG YOU BY YOUR TOES!!!!!"

"Eh, what?"

Dib was a bit confused by this, it was common for Zim and him to hang out (and by hang out I mean mutually try to destroy each other) after school but they'd never before had a formal meeting arranged. It was more like one of them would pounce on the other and try to rain down as much chaos and destruction as possible without being destructed themselves.

"DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT HEAR ME FITHLY EARTH-HUMAN!!!"

"I hear you," Dib twitched and mumbled something under his breath about green menaces and gags before snapping at Zim, "Why should I? You're probably planning to dump pig guts and coffee grounds on me or something"

Zim scoffed and replied "Silly human, I am above such childish things! ('Yeah, right...' scoffed Dib under his breath) but it is VITALLY IMPORTANT that you meet me after school! I cannot tell you why for it is a SECRET! A SECRET I TELL YOU!!!" Zim was shouting the last part so Dib figured it couldn't be much of secret. The whole hallway had heard or would have heard had they been paying attention.

"Yeah, whatever." Dib said distractedly, ready to have the conversation be done so he could make it to class on time.

"DO NOT FORGET!!!" Zim howled as Dib waved him off and walked away.

Class had passed quickly as Dib secretly wondered what Zim could want from him after school. When he arrived at the designated meeting place he saw that Zim's back was to him and Zim was silently gesturing franticly.

"Uh, hey Zim." Dib said, trying to get the Irken's attention.

"AH!" Zim shouted surprised. "...Good the earth human has shown himself. I feared I would have to soil my boots walking through this GERM INFRESTED HELLHOLE looking for you!"

Dib twitched as Zim yelled. The crazy bugger was acting spazier than usual.

"I'm here, what do you want?"

"No!" Zim hissed, "First you must answer me this question: HOW DID YOU PASS YOUR DAY OF ACADEMIC LABOR?"

"?" Zim looked at him expectantly. Dib had to think frantically to decipher what he had asked.

"How were my classes today? Uh, fine, I guess?"

"AH! That is most good" Zim replied with a manic glint in his eye. When Zim didn't make a move to say anything else Dib took a guess and asked, "And how was your..day?" 'You freaky alien' he added under his breath.

Apparently it was the right answer as Zim responded "It too was most good. MOST GOOD!" he then cackled evilly.

'Great, I'm gonna die at the hands of this lunatic' though Dib. After another moment Dib grew impatient and snapped, "What'd you call me out here for Zim-wit?"

"WAFFLES!!!!" shouted Zim as if the thought had just occurred to him. "YOU, human, do you like …WAFFLES?!?!"

"Uh, they're okay I guess..." Dib said wondering how gracefully he could run way from the raving mad man.

"WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!! My malfunctioning robot has sworn that he will be making waffles to stuff down my gullet today and if I have to suffer, YOU have to suffer!" Zim seemed to be twitching less now that he made this declaration. Before Dib could run Zim grabbed his hand and started leading him in the direction of his house.

Chapter 2

As Dib was pulled along forcefully by Zim he tried to ask further clarifying questions but each attempt from him was meet with a tug and an increase of speed from Zim. Dib shut his mouth and hoped that there would be time for questions later.

Finally, they reached Zim's house. Dib tried to stop when they reached the door to catch his breath but Zim was having none of it and pushed him through the door and into the hyper arms of the psychotic robot.

"YEAY BIGHEAD'S HERE!!!" cheered GIR.

Dib tried to steady himself after his less than graceful fall through the door. Zim stepped pass Dib and coldly observed the chaos of the room. Well, nothing seemed to have been irreparably damage during the day.

"GIR!" barked Zim, "Have you... MADE WAFFLES?!"

The robot perked up at the sound of waffles and started bouncing around chanting. "WAFFLES! WAFFLE WAFFLE WAFFLES!"

"CONSENTRATE GIR!" shouted Zim. "Did you make...WAFFLES?"

GIR's eyes flashed red for a moment but he was quickly bouncing up and down again. "Unhuh, I made lots of waffles, waffles waffles waffles! And I didn't not put no soap in them like you asked! Yay waffles!"

Had Dib been paying attention he woulds have noticed a brief look of relief pass over Zim's face, but he was too busy counting double negatives in the soap comment.

Zim grabbed Dib's hand again and dragged Dib into the kitchen. Dib was momentarily taken aback by the sight of the kitchen and would have stopped dead in his tracks had Zim not been dragging him. Every available surface was piled high with waffles of all colors, textures and smells, not all pleasant. A cursory glance around the kitchen reviled everything from normal tan waffles to unnaturally orange cheesy poof waffles to one terrifying pile on top of the fridge that appeared to be glowing radioactive green.

Zim pulled Dib to the kitchen table and forcefully sat him down in a chair. Once Zim let go of Dib's hand, he turned his back to Dib and mumbled to himself, and by mumbled I mean SHOUTED AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. "EXECLENT! Everything is going according to plan!"

"Plan? What plan?"

Zim turned around, shocked. "Plan? HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE PLAN? Curse you and your supper sonic hearing!" Zim took a breath and tried to calm down. "I mean, there is no plan. Foolish human and your silly ideas." Zim tried to smile playfully but failed. "We are just going to eat waffles, delicious, delicious waffles." Zim sat down next to Dib and handed him a fork that had been sitting on the table.

"ENJOY!" chirped GIR as Zim stabbed at the nearest waffle and started taking large messy bites.

Dib stared at Zim happily munching away at the waffles wondering what was going on. Should he dare to eat the waffles, were they poisoned? Was this some kind of evil plot or was it just one of those dreams again.

After a few waffles Zim looked up at Dib who hadn't taken a bite, or moved a muscle really.

"What is the matter earth human? My data shows that humans like waffles. Here try these." Zim speared a waffle covered in chocolate syrup and sprinkle and offered it to Dib.

The waffle did look good, and Dib was fairly certain Zim had not poisoned it, so he took a small bite.

"humm, hey, this is pretty good!" Zim's face lit up as Dib stabbed his own waffles and started eating.

"YES! We will eat waffles AND IT WILL BE GOOD!!!" shouted Zim triumphantly digging back into to the pile in front of him.

After a few more bites Dib decided to risk another question. "So, why are we eating waffles instead of you trying to destroy world and me trying to stop you?"

"Oh that," said Zim off handedly, speaking with his mouth full. "It gets tiring trying to take over the world every day for six year and having to deal with your constant meddling (foolish earthling you will never succeed). I thought we could take a break today."

"Oh, okay," said Dib, not really understanding.

After they had made a sizable dent in the pile of waffles Dib decided he couldn't eat any more and said good bye to Zim. They hadn't spoke much while eating, just the occasional comment on the food, but the silence had been fairly comfortable, considering. Zim had even walked Dib to the door when he left, cheerfully threatening to bring his society crumbling down at school the next day. Dib didn't know what to make of it. It was almost like the little alien was trying to be nice. After he had gotten home and had time to process the whole thing he realized the weirdest thing had been how not weird everything felt and how right spending time with Zim had felt. Dib groaned and covered his face with a pillow, just knowing his dreams would be even worst tonight.

Chapter 3

The next day of school was like being beaten repeatedly with a blunt object for Dib. He hadn't slept well. Not only were his dreams plagued by a little green alien but the waffles had given him indigestion. Maybe that had been Zim's plan all along. Class dragged on monotonously while Dib stared off into to space pondering all the horrible things he wanted to do to Zim for encroaching on his sleep. His eyebrow twitched dangerously as he thought of a particularly violent and creative way to torture Zim. Dib had reached the point where he no longer wanted to permanently damage the alien, he just enjoyed seeing him in temporary pain. Dib couldn't even begin to comprehend the waffle thing. Maybe it would just be easier to think about if he pretended the waffle thing was all an elaborate plot to give him indigestion. Suddenly a crumpled up piece of paper came flying at his head. Dib didn't even have to bother to look for a culprit, he knew right away it had to be Zim. The alien had a desk only a few seats away and the rest of his classmates universally ignored him. Unlike the usual paper balls Zim threw at him this one appeared to have writing on it.

Unfolded it read:

FOUL AND SMELLY EARTH CREATURE,

I HAVE A PLAN TO ENSLAVE YOUR PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A PLANET. IF YOU WISH TO TRY (AND FAIL) TO STOP ME, MEET ME AT THE THEATER AT SEVEN PM SHARP. DO NOT BE LATE OR I SHALL RENDER YOUR PLANET A SMULDERING HUNK OF ASH WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT.

YOUR GENETIC AND INTILECTUAL SUPRIOR,

Zim

That was more like the Zim Dib knew and loved, (wait no, forget that last part) plotting to enslave humanity was much more familiar and comfortable ground. The note did confuse him a bit, why was Zim telling him this in advance? Did he want Dib to try and foil his plot? Maybe he just wanted Dib to be there to witness the hypothetical down fall of his planet. Yes, that sounded about right. It's not like Zim wanted the company or anything. No, perish the thought.

The theater was a independent one screen movie theater that showed mostly low budget sci-fi/ monster movies and dense incomprehensible foreign films. It was a late night hang out for freaks and losers, offering a different triple feature every night for only a couple of bucks. Tonight it was showing a movie about killer clowns from outer space, some strange rock that takes over earth and a foreign documentary on vampiric trees. Dib had been hoping that knowing what movies were playing would give him some clue as to what Zim had planed but he could honestly say he was confused. Dib arrived early to yet again find Zim waiting for him, gesturing silently to himself.

"Well Zim, what's your evil plan this week?" Dib ask, forgoing pleasantries.

"Ah Dib-stink! You are early, that is good! Come!" Zim yet again grabbed Dib's hand and pulled him toward the ticket collector.

"Tickets?" ask the man guarding the door.

Dib stared to stutter and explain that he did have a ticket but before he could Zim handed the man two tickets.

"Thank you, enjoy the show."

Zim pulled Dib into the sparsely populated theater and selected two seats in a mostly empty section near the back and sat down, pulling on Dib as he did so, so that there was no question he expected Dib to sit next to him.

"What are we doing here? I thought I was here to foil your plot not watch a movie!" Dib said as he sat down. "How are you going to enslave humanity at a movie theater?"

"I'm conducting advanced research on the cultural norms of your society. I shall use this information to devise a plot so devious that no one on your stinking planet shall see it coming till it is too late." Zim said as if it was extremely obvious and Dib shouldn't even have needed to ask.

"First off, I sincerely doubt that anything that happens here qualifies as a societal norm and secondly why did you invite me here to foil you if all you're going to do is watch a movie?"

"Well, you could always distract me from the movie, which would break my concentration and keep me from getting all that I could out of this fact finding mission."

About then the lights dimmed and the movie started to play so Dib just shrugged it off and settled down to watch a free movie.

By the time the last movie ended it was almost three o'clock in the morning. Zim walked part of the way home with Dib in companionable silence. When they parted ways Zim again threatened to rain down destruction on him at school the next Monday, smiling and waving all the while. Dib walked back home more confused than ever. Maybe Zim was trying to disorient him and then move in for a surprise attack. Or maybe he had somehow figured out about the dreams was trying to add fuel to the fire, metaphorically speaking. Dib sighed. It was going to be another long night.

Chapter 4

Dib spent most of that Saturday wallowing in his room and trying not to think too hard about anything. Whenever he tried to think he found himself thinking surprisingly unprofessional thoughts about the little green alien. Times like this are what mindless television is for and he soon found himself firmly planted in front of the Tv. He stayed there for most of the day, eyes glazed over and brain firmly in the off position.

"What, trying to mind meld with the TV, loser?" Gaz said, sitting across from him on the sofa. Dib blink, he hadn't noticed her come in or sit down.

"I'm watching Tv, go away" Dib said, trying not to wine.

"You're watching a program about the everyday problems of tangerine country cheerleaders. I sincerely doubt you're interested."

Dib glanced back at the tv with a new understanding. Oh, he'd wandered why the freaks look surprising well groomed, he'd been watching cheerleaders. When had the program changed?

"You do know that TV rots your brain?" Gaz asked.

"Oh, that's just a silly conspiracy theory." Dib said dismissively.

Gaz looked genuinely concerned at this response. She turned off the TV.

"I hate to ask and sound concerned, but what's up? You've been sitting here for over twelve hours and I don't think you've blinked once."

Dib's sarcasm reflex kicked in. "Awww, I didn't know you cared" he cooed.

"Shove it meat-breath, you've been hogging the TV all day. Now spill before spill for you."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing's wrong, I just felt like catching up on TV, that's all"

"You just got done watching at least three solid hours of television devoid of the words aliens, conspiracy or paranormal. Something is up, now spill before I lose my patience."

"It nothing, just didn't want to have to think today that's all."

Dib could almost hear Gaz's patience crack.

"Well I tried to let you do this the easy way but you had to be difficult." Gaz turned and got right in his face. "You're in love with your freaky little green friend but won't admit it. You've been having sex dreams about him every night. And just to make things worse he's started being nice to you and now you don't know what to think."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?!?" Dib shouted, turning bright red from embarrassment.

"You need better encryption software on your journal. You made it so easy it's like you were asking me to invade your privacy." Dib didn't quite know how to respond to any of this.

"I don't know which offends me more, that you invade my privacy or you think I like that little freak!"

"Deny it all you want, that doesn't make it not true."

Dib's morbid curiosity got the better of him. "What makes you think I like Zim."

Gaz started counting off the reasons on her fingers. "One, he's all you ever talk about. Two you've never even looked at a girl. Three," and with this she gave Dib an appraising look. "You just look gay. Four, you fantasize about having sex with him every night. And five you've already been out on two dates. The only one who's still denying it is you."

Dib's initial response was to shout 'what do you mean i look gay?' but he remembered to prioritize. "We have not been out on two dates. We haven't even been out on one date. I think I would remember it if we went out."

Gaz sighed and cursed the stupidity of her brother and all other life forms on earth. "He asked you out to a movie, and invited over for food. What did you think he was doing? God, I feel sorry for Zim, having to deal with a moron like you."

It took a moment but the truth of Gaz's words were starting to sink in. "Oh god," he almost choked on the weight of his own words. "I...Like Zim."

Gaz gave his brain a moment to finish breaking. "Great, now that you've had this life changing revelation can please get out of my sight so I can watch TV."

Chapter 5

Dib lay awake for the rest of the night, coming to terms with this new information. Did he like Zim? Well, all signs were pointing to yes. Did Zim like him too? Gaz seemed to think so. Were they really dating without his knowledge? Dib cursed and hit himself. How could he be so stupid? That explained all the weirdness he'd been feeling from Zim lately, the lack of malice in Zim's stares as of late. Still he couldn't be sure; he would have to run a test. Yes, a test that was the logical thing to do. He had to be sure that Zim liked him too, not just that they'd reached a new level of Irken war fair that involved waffles and movies. Mulling the problem over he begin to conceive the first stages of a plan. Tomorrow he would find out definitely wither or not Zim had been seeking out his company or merely engaging in some esoteric form of battle.

The next morning Dib woke up early and began rifling around his room looking for a particular movie. He had decided that if Zim really was seeking out Dib's company on a non-competitive level then Zim would welcome an intrusion into life. If, however, this was all some horrible mistake and Gaz was just planting ideas in his head to see him in pain Zim would not take well to an unexpected invitation to 'Hang out'.

---

Afternoon found Dib poised on Zim's door step, suddenly deeply unsure of what he was doing there. Maybe he should just turn around and treat the whole crazy idea as sleep deprivation, go home, ignore the problem until it goes away, then maybe find a nice girl and get married. Yes, that sounded nice and normal and way more sensible than knocking on an alien's door and asking if he wants' to hang out and watch a movie because hey, maybe he's in love with you and not trying to take over the planet. Dib sighed. No, that was cowardly and Dib was not a coward. He took a deep breath to mentally prepare himself and knocked.

A sudden crash could be heard through the door followed by muffled shouting. After a few moments the door was opened to reveal a flustered looking Zim.

"Ah d..Dib-monkey!" Zim stuttered and looked confused. "What… What are YOU DOING HERE?"

Dib looked pass Zim to try to discern the source of the crash.

"Uh… I've come to.. that is to say…I'm…" it took Dib's brain a moment to get back on track. "Do you want to watch a movie with me?" Dib held out the movie as if it were a shield against the insanity of his request.

Zim's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Suuuuuure" he hissed as he grabbed Dib's wrist and pulled him inside.

Dib gulped and wondered, not for the first time what he had gotten himself into. Once inside he saw the probable cause for the crash he had heard earlier. It seemed as if the coffee table had been upturned. The table shook a little as Dib noticed GIR trapped underneath it.

"OH NOES!! I M BEING EATEN BY THE TABLE MONSTER! IT WANTS TO EAT MY PREICOUSE LIFE JUCIES. MY LIFE JUICES!!!" GIR was shouting and failing from underneath the table.

"Uh, should we maybe help him?" Dib questioned, unsure of what to make of the struggling robot.

"Oh, no, he'll be fine." Zim said, forcefully pushing Dib into the sofa. "GIR! Stop your failing and get up! Zim commands you!" the little robot stopped his failing but seemed to mope from under the table. "GIR, if you're a good little Robot and get out from under the table I'll let you watch a movie with me." Zim said temptingly.

GIR shot out from under the table and perked back up again chanting. "Movie! Movie movie movie!" he then started singing and dancing around. "I get to watch a movie, I get to watch a movie!"

"Stop that GIR" shouted Zim, voice devoid of malice. "Now, Be a good little SIR unit and put in this movie and sit quietly and watch. QUIETLY I TELL YOU!"

GIR jumped to attention and did as he was told. Zim sat himself down on the sofa, surprising close to Dib, but not quite touching. Dib jumped a little the closeness but then the movie came on and he decide not to do anything about it.

Soon enough he and Zim (and GIR too) were engrossed in a fascinating tale of government conspiracy and fluoride in the drinking water. Before Dib knew it he was stretched out comfortably on the couch with Zim's head leaning on his shoulder. How had that happened? When had they started touching? Dib was going to say something and push the Irken away but when he looked over Zim looked so comfortable he deiced just to let it slide.

When the movie was over Zim cackled evilly. "Yes, poisoning the drinking water why hadn't I thought of that" more cackling.

Dib couldn't help but feel as if he had helped create a monster. "I didn't mean for the movie to give you ideas it was… A warning, yes warning! Do not poison the drinking water, it has been tried before and no one was killed."

"Relax, Dib-stink." Said Zim, entirely to comfortable with their current seating arrangement. "I told you before I'm taking a break from trying to take over your stinky earth planet."

Dib got up. "Well, uh, I'm glad you liked the movie, uh…"

Zim too stood up and begin to walk Dib to the door. "It was fun! There is much I could learn from these Earth-Movies." Zim held open the front door as Dib stepped through.

"Well see you in class tomorrow." Dib said as he stood awkwardly in the door way.

"Yes, see at earth child prison." Before Dib could turn around to walk away Zim grabbed his wrist and suddenly leaned up on his tippy-toes and placed a chaste kiss on Dib's cheek. It was over as suddenly as it began and Zim slammed the door leavening a dazed and confused Dib to stare at the closed door.

Dib had to blink confusedly at the door a few times before his brain could process this most recent happing. Zim had kissed him. He reached a hand up to his face disbelievingly. The little green alien had kissed him. Dib's face pulled its self into a smile though Dib couldn't quite understand why. Zim had kissed him and he was smiling. He shouldn't be smiling; he should be running back to his lab to see if there was any DNA to extract from the kiss residue. But no instead he smiled, felt uplifted and turned around to walk home in high sprites. Maybe there was something in the water. That would explain the strange emotions he was feeling.