Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles

title: Everybody Dies For Me

author: River2027

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Terminator, just my copy of the DVDs and the XBOX game.

setting: during "Adam Raised a Cain"

genre: drama/angst

rating: T

warning: major spoilers for "Adam Raised a Cain"

summary: John's thoughts after the capture of his mother. Some Jameron.

author's note: Okay, i just had to write this after last night's episode. Seriously one of the most intense ones in a long time. I watched it online again last night, it was so epic. I felt so shocked with what happened to Derek. Wow, Friday can not come soon enough. I just hope it brings some answers...and that we get a third season.

Everybody Dies for Me

"Yeah, well, everybody dies for me, right?"

John put his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut. The events of the past twenty four hours seemed so surreal, like a dream, like it couldn't possibly have happened. He could almost convince himself of that. But then he looked up and gazed around the empty garage where they had set up a temporary camp. Only Cameron remained, standing quietly by the door.

Derek was gone. Savannah was gone.

His mother was gone.

We all die for you. He hadn't expected it, hadn't prepared himself for the grim reality that none of them were guaranteed to walk away from Weaver's house alive. Cameron had thrown the T-888 from the house, its metal body rolling down the hillside. He'd cradled Savannah in his arms, shielding her, sighing with relief when his mother and Cameron rejoined him. He had thought they'd won.

Then they'd entered the house and he'd seen the horrible truth.

Derek.

His uncle lay crumpled on the floor, a bullet in his head, lying in a pool of blood.

Dead.

John's lower lip had trembled, shock settling in. This couldn't be happening. Not again. Why was everyone around him dying?

He still felt the pain of everyone who died for him, or because of him. He'd been plagued with guilt when Jordan had committed suicide and he'd failed to stop her. He'd felt the horror and shame when he'd strangled Sarkissian. He'd cried when Derek had told him the story of Martin Bedell, how the soldier died to save Future John Connor. He'd broken down with grief over Riley's murder. He'd despised Derek for killing Jesse, after John had ordered him to let her go. He'd watched with shock as Charlie took on the men who'd invaded his lighthouse home, holding them off while John escaped in the boat.

Sacrifices.

Always sacrifices.

But Derek's death was the worst. Derek had been with them the longest; he knew Derek the best. Derek was his uncle; he'd been there for him, saved his life. He'd loved John and John loved him. And now he was gone, with a single, accurate bullet shot.

It was amazing how one little bullet could change everything.

Derek was a Reese, a fighter, a soldier. He didn't deserve to go out like that. No one did.

He was aware of Cameron studying his face as he brushed away a tear. He couldn't afford to cry right now. He had to focus; he had to get his mother back. As the memory of her arrest sprang unbidden into his mind, John's face hardened.

Ellison.

It was Ellison's fault his mother was locked up once more. Ellison had betrayed them. John had been forced to watch his mother being taken away and there was nothing he could do about it. He and Cameron could have gone in, guns blazing. He may have made it out, he may have not. Either way, the cops would have soon realized that Cameron couldn't be killed. It would cause even more problems. So he could do nothing but stand there as the doors closed, his body paralyzed with absolute horror and fear, unable to do anything to help.

Ellison had tried to give him some piece of crap excuse. John didn't buy it, but he was glad Cameron had held him back from ripping Ellison's head off. John still held to his word. His mother's betrayer was going to die. Slowly. Just not in front of Savannah.

The news report had been playing over and over again on every TV. He'd seen it, kept replaying it. How could they have let this happen? Why had he trusted Ellison?

"I should have killed him," Cameron spoke up from the corner, judging from John's facial expression exactly what he was thinking about.

John couldn't disagree with her. "Maybe you should have." He'd never felt such righteous anger in his life. If Derek had been with them at that moment, Ellison wouldn't have walked out alive.

Derek…

Was he your friend? Savannah had asked. John nodded slowly. He may not have always agreed with Derek. Yes, Derek had made mistakes, especially with Jesse, but it didn't matter. He was still John's uncle and John knew that Derek had loved him.

He'd died for him.

"Future John knows what it's like to lose people he loves," Cameron had told him. "It happens to him to."

It's all my fault, John thought bitterly. It had been his idea to go find Savannah. It had been his fault they'd walked into a Terminator's trap. His fault that Derek was dead; his fault that his mother was a prisoner. They'd all be alive and well if he hadn't insisted on rescuing Savannah. But then again, he still believed she was connected to something, something important. And with Cromartie in her basement...

Maybe they should just torch Weaver's corporation. Like Cyberdyne all over again. Burn it to the ground, let Cromartie, or John Henry, burn along with it. Maybe Ellison too. Killing him wouldn't bring back his mother or Derek, but the revenge would have to be enough.

When had it all gone spiraling out of control? It had all started with Jesse, he realized. Jesse had brought back Riley, had betrayed John Connor. It had set things into motion, the cycle of death. But it wasn't all Jesse's fault. In fact, it wasn't really her fault at all. He could have stopped it. He could have prevented everything.

Jesse had killed Riley and framed Cameron for it. But he was still responsible for it. Like he'd told Jesse, he didn't help Riley. He knew what she was and he didn't do anything. He should have but he didn't. And Riley had died for it. And Jesse had died at the hands of Derek, because John hadn't helped Riley.

Because Riley died, they had to move. Because Sarah didn't trust Cameron and Derek, they went to Charlie's. Charlie died because of them. Because John hadn't acted when he'd had the chance.

Now, Derek was dead too. Because they found the picture of Savannah on the lighthouse assassins who killed Charlie. Because Sarah didn't trust Derek and Cameron. Because Derek had killed Jesse and Jesse had killed Riley.

Because John hadn't helped when he should have.

His mother was right. It's connected, it's all connected... just not in the way she'd imagined. It was all connected to him. He had started this.

He clenched his fist in a sudden rage. Who was he, that everyone had to die for him? Why couldn't he save the people he cared about most?

He was suddenly moving without thinking, kicking over the table, howling with anger, punching the wall. Why is this happening to me! Cameron had reacted as soon as he did, rushing to his side and grabbing his fist before he could slam it into the concrete anymore. He was vaguely aware of the blood trickling through his fingers. He didn't care, didn't feel the pain.

His eyes focused on Cameron. "I can't be your Messiah!" he shouted. "I can't be your John! I can't be John Connor!"

You wanted to be John Connor, Jesse had told him. He'd shaken his head. I am John Connor.

He didn't want to be John Connor anymore. John Connor got innocent people killed, got the people he loved murdered.

"I'm not a savior!" he cried. "I'm not the hero, I'm the bad guy! I killed them, all of them! They didn't die for me, they died because of me!"

He was panting hard, hands shaking. Cameron was quiet for a moment, letting him calm down. "You shouldn't blame yourself," she replied.

John drew in a deep, shaky breath. "Who else is there?"

"What happened today was nobody's fault."

It was the same thing he'd said to Sarah when they were packing up to move. Somehow, it did little to comfort him now.

He'd lost everyone. Riley, Charlie, Derek, his mother. And even if his mother were here, would he still have lost her? Cameron had said she'd planned on leaving him with Charlie. Ditching him. He would have to talk to her about that. After they got her back. After they'd destroyed Cromartie.

John could feel his brave front crumbling. He hadn't cried yet. Not for Charlie, not for Derek, not for Sarah. He felt a quiet sob escape through his lips. He collapsed onto the couch, Cameron right beside him. His hands clutched her shirt desperately as his body shook with helpless sobs. He wouldn't let go, couldn't let go. He'd lost everyone else he loved. He couldn't lose her too.

"We'll get her back," Cameron promised him.

He couldn't even nod in response, simply lowered his head onto her lap, tears streaming down his face. Cameron placed her hand on his neck, attempting to comfort him.

He didn't even care what his mother would think, didn't care that the beautiful girl sitting next to him was just a machine.

She was all he had left now.