Author's Note: Jeez, I'm so sorry that I haven't updated this in forever, and my only excuses for it are that I started playing Harvest Moon: Magical Melody again, discovered the humor that is the Nostalgia Critic, and have been playing with my bucket of homemade character cards way too much. Absolutely NOTHING school related!

Lucia turned around to see Bastian, sitting on the ground and weeping. "Bastian?" she asked softly.

"It's hopeless," sighed Bastian, "You were never one for matrimony, were you, my fair lady? I suppose I should just move on to fancy another dame more suited to my needs…"

"Bastian," Lucia began, "Do you know why I sleep with everyone I meet, assuming they're willing?"

"No, I haven't a clue," he responded.

"It's because, six years ago, I made a mistake. He's long gone now, but, in order to conceal his mark, I covered it with the marks of others. Granted, that only made the problem worse, until I became so uncaring about my body that I didn't remember the feeling of ruin. Perhaps that's why Geoffrey's experiences seem so far off from my own."

Geoffrey was not eavesdropping, per se, but he did overhear the last bit. He was hurt to know that his own sister kept that secret from even him, but even more hurt to know that her lack of sympathy stemmed from her own inability to remember what it was like.

"Elincia," he said, turning to his fiancée, "Promise me that you will help destroy the mark she made."

"I promise," Elincia said, as she clasped his hand in her own.

------------

"Bastian? Largo?" Vika called out. No one responded.

"That hole looks suspicious," pointed out Heather.

"You guys, they probably just got bored and left the cave…" Soren said, "Let's be realistic here."

"Realistic?" Heather asked, "You three can use magic and she can turn into a bird at will. What kind of realism do you need?"

"Well, it's been an established fact that the bullshit-spewing bigoted insensitive dickheads who educate people into thinking mages and laguz are nonexistent were just lying to protect their own egos. On the other hand, it is also an established fact that if you leave two heterosexual men with nothing to keep them occupied alone in a cave they will walk away of boredom. It's quite simple, really, Heather," Soren said without a trace of remorse.

They all left the cave hoping that Soren was right. Ilyana was carrying the diamond. After a while, Tormod began to whine. "We've been walking for hours and I don't know where Largo is, I don't know where we are, I really need to pee, and MY FEET HURT!"

"Get used to it," Soren said, "Because we can't stop until we find Largo."

Suddenly the smell of delicious steak came from the south. No one noticed besides Ilyana, who promptly dropped the diamond off the edge of a cliff, causing Soren to lash out at her.

"Ilyana! You just dropped the diamond off of the cliff! Oh, you are so stupid! Why didn't you just let me carry it?"

"I'm sorry, Soren," she said, while crying.

"I didn't mean to yell at you, but how are we going to get it back from the bottom of that stupid cliff?! Because I sure as hell am NOT going back to the mine!"

"Looking for this?" asked a familiar voice. It was Ulki. "Janaff and I were discussing how to renovate Phoenicis Hall in surprise for the king, when he said, 'Ooh, shiny' and began to stare at this. That's when my ears picked up your distinctive voice of anger, Soren."

"Wow, that was a contrived coincidence," Heather said.

"Hey, credible or no, we got the diamond back," Vika pointed out.

"But I will carry the diamond from here on out," Soren said. He came across Largo at the most obvious place of all, his own house.

--------

"How dare you return empty handed?" Calill asked, "I thought you wanted to win me back."

"I do," Largo said.

Soren handed over the diamond, "Largo suggested we find this for you."

Calill just stared at the diamond. "It's beautiful," she said.

Aimee, who was standing silently out of Calill's sight shouted, "Officer, I found the escaped rapist."

The corporal turned around and went after Calill. "Aimee, you backstabbing witch! I should have known you had a catch! Go to hell, you homo-raping hypocrite!"

"There's nothing you can do about it, Calill. No one will believe you if you say I raped someone too," Aimee said.

"But," Soren said threateningly, "They will believe Ike." Aimee stood aback in shock. "All he'll have to say is 'this woman raped me, let another rapist escape from jail, and assaulted my true lover' and you'll go to jail."

"And after you stabbed me in the back like that, good luck getting free, lady," Calill said smarmily.

The corporal arrested both Aimee and Calill and was about to lock them away together when a tense tenor shouted behind them, "WAAAAAAAAIT!"

"Future consort Geoffrey!" the corporal said, in shock.

"Drop the charges, let her go," Geoffrey said with a finality that meant "I forgive you."

"I don't deserve another chance," Calill said, "Not after the way I ruined you."

"So you finally understand," Geoffrey said, "Men can be ruined, and women can ruin. But that's okay, because I understand too—there are worse things in the world than not being a virgin until marriage, like not being a virgin until marriage and having your spouse be mad at you."

"Geoffrey, what the hell?" asked a legitimately confused Soren, "This is the woman who raped you, stole your very hard-saved virginity, and escaped from prison, and you're just going to let her go!?"

"The first step to a functioning society is forgiveness," Geoffrey said cheerfully.

Soren thought for a moment of how he saved Aimee, and then quickly repressed it, repeated Geoffrey's line in a high, nasally over-the-top voice and rolled his eyes at the sanguine bullshit.

Amy ran to the scene, where Calill was freed, again able to look at Largo's diamond. "Largo, that diamond is beautiful, thank you. But it's a little big."

"Don't worry, Calill," said Largo, "I know a use."

---------

Wedding bells were ringing; the dual wedding was between Elincia and Geoffrey, who promised to always be loyal to each other, and Lucia and Bastian, who promised not to be disloyal to each other and always tell one another when they were sleeping with someone else that night. Amy grinned because her parents were still together. Elincia tossed her bouquet which landed in Soren's lap.

"Dear goddess, I didn't even try to catch it…" he said while blushing.

"Soren, that reminds me," Ike said, rummaging through his bag and pulling out a velvet box. "I was going to save this for later, but since you caught the bouquet and everything," he opened the box, "Will you elope with me? There's nothing I dream of more than spending the rest of my life with you."

"Yes, yes I will," Soren said as he kissed Ike on the lips.

"I thought you said two men couldn't get married," Amy said over the back of her chair.

"We can't… really… but it's fun to pretend," Ike said, "We'll be as close to married as we can get, but… far away from here."

Amy began to cry. "But, I'll miss you guys so much…" she said.

"Here," Ike said, as he took off his headband and handed it to her, "Use this to remember me by."

Mist made an irritated sound in the background. "Oh, shut up, Mist, you get most of my clothes anyway!" he said, referring to the years of hand-me-downs that Mist never wore for fear of looking like a boy-loving boy.

Soren whispered into Amy's ear, "Ike's probably going to die a lot sooner than either you or me, so when that happens…" He had to physically stop himself from sobbing. "When that happens, I might come to visit."

"Mister Soren," Amy asked, "I have a birthmark like yours."

"Yes," he said flatly, "Yes you do. And that's why Ike's going to die before us. I don't want to ruin your innocence with the details now, but if you go talk to Mister Stefan, he will insist most of what is known is a lie anyway."

As Ike and Soren embarked on their lifelong journey, Calill said to Largo, "Let's go make love." Amy was left in the castle with the queen and her new consort. Calill went to bed first. She took off all her clothes and began to do the same for Largo. Each thrust was easy and calm, and when he started to turn her on, the name that slipped her mouth was his own.