Peter 'Helps'

AN: Okay, guys, DO NOT follow any of Peter's advice. He's an idiot, a retard, actually. And I bare no responsibility for anyone who's dumb enough to actually try any of this and gets themselves killed by some crack shot, English aristocrat.

"Alright, now remember, as soon as she opens the door, your eyes should go directly to her chest." Peter instructed as Death stood outside Integra's office.

The spirit seemed a little unsure of the advice. "Um... Are you sure about that, Peter? I thought women didn't like it when men looked at their chest instead of maintaining eye contact."

"No, no. You see that's just a myth, a trick. In reality, female's are very vain and insecure creatures. They need constant reassurance of their sexiness. Trust me, the best thing you can do when meeting a woman for the first time is never take your eyes off their chest... unless of course they're facing away from you, then you need to compliment their ass. Like, 'Wow, Baby, you've got such a tight, sweet ass!'."

"Uh... o-k-a-y." Death replied, still sounding a bit unsure but willing to follow Peter's advice. After all, what was the point of getting an expert's opinion and then disregarding it? The spirit knocked on the office door.

Inside the office, Integra looked up from a small stake of papers. The knight growled, "Oh, who is it?"

"Uh... it's Death." The spirit replied through the closed door. "You don't know me yet, but... but I would really like the chance to talk to you."

"Alucard, I don't have time for any of your childish games right now. I'm busy! Go 'play' with the Police Girl or something." The knight replied, sure that it was just another one of her servant's stunts. After all, who else would be sick enough to claim to be Death? Was she Ebenezer Scrooge, that the grim reaper should come visit her before her appointed time?

"No, I really am Death, and I need to talk to you." The spirit affirmed.

The knight sighed. It was obvious her 'servant' was in one of his moods, and she wouldn't get any peace until she'd indulged him for a bit. "Fine, come on in. Just make it quick. I've got a lot of paperwork to do."

Death reached for the door knob, but it wouldn't turn. "Ah, door's locked." The spirit spoke through the door.

"And when has that ever stopped you before? Just walk through the wall like you always do!" The knight replied, sounding a little put out.

Peter's voice rang in Death's ear. "No, don't do that... It's another trick. You've got to establish your dominance early in the relationship or the woman will end up wearing the pants."

"But, she already wears pants." The spirit replied sounding confused by Peter's statement.

"Trust me, even the feminist types want a strong man to lead them around... they just cover it up better. Make her come to you."

"But... but..."

"Trust me, Death... You want her to respect you, right?"

"Alright." The spirit replied then raised his voice so it would carry better through the door. "No, I'm not walking through the wall, you come over here and open up the damn door..." Peter whispered something else into his radio, and Death added, "Woman." to the end of his statement.

Integra's eyes went wide. "What the bloody hell's wrong with you?! Have you lost your mind?! Have you forgotten who the master is?! Vampire!!! Now you get in here this very instant and explain yourself! Or, so help me, the twenty years my father locked you up for will seem like a fortnight by the time I let you out!!!"

There was that yelling again, that beautiful, passionate yelling. Death couldn't resist. It was as if the woman had cast a spell over him. He was simply compelled to step through the wall and enter her office.

In the bushes outside, Peter groaned. "No, no. I told you, make her come to..." The fatman's statement was cut off as a strong arm lifted him from his squatting position in the bushes.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" A sweet, but firm toned, feminine voice inquired.

But as Peter turned to answer the woman, he caught sight of her chest and temporarily lost control of his mouth. "Hummina... Hummina... Hummina..." A thin line of drool began to drip from the corner of Peter's mouth.

Inside Integra's office, the knight, though still furious, couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at her 'servant's' appearance. "Taking the role playing a bit far tonight, aren't we, Alucard?"

Meanwhile back outside, Seras was taken a little off guard by the fatman's strange reaction to being caught. "What are you, retarded or something?" The girl, who was dressed in clothing reminiscent of a role playing stripper's police uniform, asked.

"Well, yes actually. But... but they're just so freaken big!" Peter replied; and Seras, following the fatman's eyes, finally understood what his problem was.

"Oh, you've gotta be kidding me? Not another pervert!" The vampire fledgling exclaimed more to herself then the peeping tom she'd caught lurking in the bushes.

"Can I... Can I touch them?" Peter dumbly asked as he brought a hand near the vampire's chest.

Seras batted the hand away. "Most certainly not." She replied sternly as she wondered whether she should bother Integra to find out what she wanted just what she should do with the perverted, retarded peeping tom.

"I say we eat him." A voice came from somewhere behind the fledgling and her master emerged from the shadow cast by a nearby tree.

Seras turned to her master, and Peter took advantage of the distraction, moving his hand the rest of the way to Seras's breast. He squeezed it and imitated the sound of a car horn. The fledgling eeped and, temporarily shocked, lost her grip on the fatman. Peter quickly pulled the bag of seeds out of his pocket, tour it open and spread them in-between the two vampires and himself.

Seras arced an eyebrow at the fatman. "What was the point of tha..." The fledgling stopped mid-word, and her lower jaw just hung open for a moment as she saw her master dive in front of her and begin picking up and examining the seeds one at a time.

Seras closed her eyes and shook her head, utterly convinced she was seeing things. But when she opened her eyes back up, her master was still down on the ground with the seeds. "M-Master, what... what are you doing?"

"They're seeds, Police Girl." Alucard replied without even bothering to look up. "I... I must count them."

"But... but why?" Seras asked, the most confused expression possible upon her face.

"Because... they're seedsss." Her master hissed, sounding slightly upset over his fledgling's apparent ignorance of vampire tradition.

"But... But..." Seras began again; but then, as she continued staring down, one of the seeds caught her eye.

The fledgling found herself unable to look away. It was... it was beautiful, utterly complex in its simplicity. It was as if it were calling to her, promising to reveal the very secrets of the universe, if she would but take the time to listen. Without speaking another word, the fledgling bent down and picked up the seed. She scrutinized it in the pale moonlight. "Marvelous, absolutely marvelous." Why had she never before noticed the quiet wisdom that seeds held? After a moment of study, Seras placed the seed in her pocket and moved on to the next one. If one seed was so incredible, surely, two would be even better; and if two were even better, than three must have been...

"Foolish vampires. You really thought you had a chance against Sir Peter Van-Hell-Griffin?" The Fatman asked and let out a laugh; but if the two vampires heard him, they gave no indication of it. They just continued on with their seed counting, and Peter went back to the bush, retrieving his binoculars before squatting back down and going back to 'helping' Death.

"Okay, you made a little mistake in coming to her... but we can still assert your dominance. Now pull her face to yours and give her the kind of kiss that makes her want to kneel down and thank God for making her a woman." Peter instructed the spirit.

But Death, once again, had some reservations regarding the fatman's advice. Integra was still shouting at the spirit, her every word laced with venom. "Ah, Peter?" The spirit whispered, Integra's shouting making it impossible for her to hear what he was saying. "Ah, she really doesn't seem to be in the mood to be kissed right now."

"That just means you'll catch her off guard."

"Yeah, but..."

"Trust me, Death. Women love to be surprised."

"Yeah, but..."

"Just kiss her." Peter instructed; and the spirit, his willpower already eroded by how hot Integra's ranting was making him, just gave in and obeyed.

And he did actually manage to catch the woman off guard. Her eyes went wide, and it took her a full three seconds to recover and pull out her pistol. But then... then things took a serious turn for the worse.

The first shot blew off Death's skull, and the thing bounced across the floor of Integra's office. Upon noticing the utter lack of dark, swirling, shadow matter that always accompanied her servant's injuries, Integra finally figured out that the 'Death' 'person' really wasn't Alucard in another form. The knight's eyes narrowed, and she growled like a tiger as she chased the spirit out of her mansion, the whole-while continuing to riddle his body with blessed silver bullets.

(Well, I hope you enjoyed the last chapter as much as the other two. Please drop me a review and let me know what you thought thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)

(To Kriske: Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed the first couple of chapters. Hope you got as big a kick out of the last one. :)