25 Reasons why I would never be in a fairy tale:

Me, in a fairy tale? Ha! You've got the wrong number!

I couldn't find a boyfriend if you paid me trillions of dollars, and you expect me to fall in love with a prince and live happily ever after? Um, not going to happen. Ever.

Supposedly, the weather is always perfect in Fairytale Land (looks out window, lightning flashes, rain starts pouring, looks back at audience) Bull !

I have no evil stepmother, therefore I have no evil stepsisters (my parents have been married longer than either one of them can remember. Stepmother? Never going to happen. Ever).

I know no munchkins, dwarfs, et cetera, though I would talk to them. Short people are cool.

I have no relation to someone magical…I think (wait, that person just THOUGHT they had powers. My bad).

I have no fairy godmother. Everybody in Fairytale Land has a fairy godmother.

I'm not allowed to 'sing in the rain' (what the duck is that about? Singing in the rain is what you do when you have no marbles…see number seven).

I supposedly am smart, but God knows the hamster stopped running two years today and nothing has happened in that gray space since. Princesses are smart WITH their marbles-obviously not me.

Pessimism. Yeah, that one explains itself (in my mind, optimism died YEARS ago, and I feel that being positive is a 'what's the point?' exercise requiring too much effort).

I like the evil guy every time (from Severus Snape to Voldemort to the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. I LOVE DARK, EVIL MEN!!). Real fairytale women love the light-haired, blue-eyed sweet men. Obviously not me (I think all those men are gay. Sorry, but it's my opinion)

The frilly dresses. My God, why the duck would you wear something you can't run in if you've got some evil witch after you your entire happy life? Ugh, get a better designer dummy!

I'm a witch, but not a witch witch but the OTHER witch, yeah, the profanity one. I talk about people when they're sitting right beside me (I asked where she was, honest, but no one told me until I turned around. My pucking bad!), and I DON'T CARE.

I use more profanity than a mother ducker, honest (I'm only rephrasing the words so that most people can read them, and because it makes me laugh ha, ha, SNORT, oops…see number thirteen)

I snort when I laugh, way un-princessy (yeah, that is so not a word), and…I hate brushing my teeth (what, it messes with my tummy! But I understand the risk of dental problems…no, that's just the money I have to hand over for it, but I understand).

I would never ride in the magic carriage (that takes me to Neverland, and I may not be a boy, but Michael Jackson is still into fondling children, and I'm still technically a child for another year, legally).

I don't want people serving me hand and foot. That's wrong. If I wanted a slave, I'd go back in time and walk up the road from my house and buy one (sorry, black people, but that's how it was in the past in my Podunk little state. I hate it as much as you, but…we were eaten by lions in front of thousands of cheering Catholics who laughed at the brutality. Are we even? No? Oh well, I tried).

I suck at talking to people diplomatically. I'd end up starting a war with my temper and being hung or burned at the stake for my actions.

Hi, my name is DarkAngelSnapeLover and I have anger issues and am addicted to good, home-cooked meals. (Hi, DarkAngelSnapeLover!)

I could not live without writing, and princesses can't write because they would get ugly calluses on their hands and no one would like them and no more babies would be made and life would suck. There, done with eighteen. Let's move on.

Beliefs (here we go): there is no place like Fairytale land, unless you're high, but I'm not and never will be, so that one's gone. Next, I do not believe in talking items (clocks, candlesticks, animals, people…et cetera). And finally, I'm not open-minded to freaks walking onto my doorstep telling me about their beliefs and why I should join them (I.e witches, et cetera).

I live nowhere near perfect (screaming in background, child cries, gunshot, random curse word, lovely spousal fight with a side order of spousal abuse not my real life, just showing you what the real world is like), so I obviously would go insane if I lived in Fairytale Land.

They don't allow dragons to survive in Fairytale Land. I LOVE dragons! I watch Jane and the Dragon every time it's on and I'm seventeen! And they want to burn them? Down with Fairytale Land, DOWN!! (gets on broomstick, flies around Emerald City painting a phrase about Dorothy in the sky while cackling uncontrollably).

I'm not too fond of frilly, girly music. It's not right. Give me back my Metallica and leave me on my way.

And finally, a writer prefers to write themselves in somehow, and I don't write fairytales, so I will never be in a fairytale. Ever.

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