Chapter One:

Considerations

POV: Edward

Staying away from Bella has absolutely tested the strength of my will power. I've never gone through such a horrifying feeling in my existence. My days consisted of sitting in the dark of my apartment, going hunting every few days, then back to the dark. I was merely surviving.

My family would call every now and again. Seeing how I was, and every time I said, "I'm alive. So, I suppose that's doing well." Jasper called frequently. I could tell how devastated he was about this whole situation, and I constantly tried to explain to him that this was inevitable. Instead, he tortured himself thinking my mistake was his. Esme called the most. It broke my heart to hear how shattered hers was. I separated her family. The reason I left was to not be so selfish and let Bella live a happy, healthy life. But I was now only being selfish to my family. Once again, caught in a no-win situation.

It stung to think of Bella. Thought that's what kept me alive so-to-speak. The thought that she was still out there, probably living the happiest life possible. She was going to graduate soon, go to college, get married…

That was exceptionally difficult to come to terms with.

My happiness meant nothing to me anymore, so long as she was happy. I want her to get married, have children, live a long, happy life. Even if it was with that Newton kid. I hoped it would be with anyone but him.

Her face frequently haunted my memory. Dark, brown eyes pierced my thoughts constantly.

Then, as I lay in the bed thinking about her and her new life, I thought perhaps a visit wouldn't disrupt anything. Of course I wouldn't let her, or anyone, know I was there. It had been months and I was reaching the brink of my sanity. If I could just see her again…knowing she's happy.

I called Carlisle. He was surprised to hear from me. I never called anyone anymore, they only called me. I asked him if he thought it would be a bad idea for me to see her again, if it would only make things worse. "Edward, that all depends. If you think you could handle seeing her without saying anything to her, or touching her…if you could go back, then I think it wouldn't be harmful. Though, you know how I feel. I think that you should go…and stay. You would make things a lot easier on your family, and yourself. And although you don't agree, I think the same for Bella."

"I doubt it." I whispered, knowing he could hear me. "Well, thank you Carlisle. I appreciate your help. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you and Esme…everyone. I'm truly, deeply sorry, but I just believe this is what's best."

"I know you do. Perhaps, if you don't take my advice, a visit to Alice and Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett, and Esme and myself once and a while would be ample amends." His tone was pleading, yet serious. "I'll consider it." I hated how cold I was to my father figure. "Please do. Goodbye Edward." And then he hung up. That was one of the coldest, lifeless conversations I've ever had with him. One more thing to tack on to the "Reasons I Wish I Could Die" List.