Enough
Winking Tiger
"I know enough. And now you know. Figure it all out, Max."
Author's Note: This was a challenge I, along with my ES gals and guy, to do. So this is my little take on a traditional holiday story. I'm not saying everything's possible, but it's my little "perfect winter". I wrote this in a sleep deprived state, so if it's not the best, sorry. But I felt the need to post this since I'm still waiting for my beta on One Catch. Hope you enjoy!
And need all the comments you all have to give-bad or good. Just tell me, with brutal honesty. I can't read minds, and the only way I can know, is by you leaving a review, or writing me at [email protected]
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
The wind had swept through the city. Bringing cool jets of air, which in turn brought a gentle breeze. As the wind made its course, along the streets, little mounds were blown over. Each mound, of people, brought new, additional, and different sounds. Winter had yet to take its full effect, but its cool winds could still be felt. Of course, the holiday season was on full effect. It didn't matter what had happened in the world, what catastrophic events had occurred, or the conditions most of the population was left in. Some how, people still kept up the old traditions, at least most of them, in their own ways.
One time or another it used to be about religion. Later on, it was about gifts. Then the trend became caring on the "thought" and not the object, but to top any and everyone else's. And now, now it's to make sure that if you're doing anything, you did it for the ones you care about. No one can afford to buy anything now, that's to be expected. Most people are lucky if they can get themselves food to eat. How the hell are they supposed to buy extra? But besides those lucky, if you want to call them lucky, few that do have money-though that money is from the corruption of society or harming others-everyone's just trying to get around on the scraps that they've got. No matter what should happen, every year I get around and still see black market gifts-things that cost a fortune, for some stupid thing.
But the worst of this whole stupid mess, is that I haven't got anyone to make sure they know I care anymore. There isn't anyone that will drop a small fortune to get me something ridiculous, not now. And there isn't someone to spend this warped and wack holiday with. And all I can think about is how I really don't make a difference, not enough of one. Everyone would just be a lot better off if I weren't around. To screw things up, to hurt them, get them killed, or ruin things with them.
My small, little weird life seems to get smaller and worse all the time. Maybe if I reduced it to me, and this former glorious building, things would be better. Me and the needle, the high place. It's hard to suppress a laugh when you're up this high, and the wind's blowing against you, genetically engineered or not. High place, look where all of that's gotten me. It got Ben killed, took the Manticore nightmares back into my unconsciousness, and kept bringing me all of this. Gee, let's think.
I carried out my brother's last wish, I killed him to stop him from going back to the one place we all hate beyond anything can express. I snapped his neck to end his life, so that he wouldn't fight anymore, wouldn't struggle with everything he fought against. The paradox of my life, created and not conceived, got even weirder when my heat struck, scratched my itch with the wrong guy, admitted everything to the right guy, came to just about as close as I've been to heaven by that amazing man, then have it all taken from me right as things were balancing out.
I went to fight for every bit of a thing I called family, the other's I'd been raised with, and the man that I'd grown so close to, that I loved. Things might have actually worked out, but then of course they didn't and things began to deteriorate again. Long months and resistance meeting it all the way, I was taken back to the place I was for the first ten years of my life. It was hell being back. Maybe if I had never escaped, didn't know what I could miss, being back would have been just fine. But it wasn't, all I wanted to do was be as far away as possible from there. Finally, I escaped, again. But then, well, Alec, and Joshua, and Logan, and Asha. They all just seemed to come right after the other. I should have been able to go up to Logan and let him know that the strength he gave me, the will to stay and fight, was a form of love I could never get enough of. That I'd felt the same, that I wanted to make something of that dancing we'd done, and continue with the real that we'd only just began. But then everything caught up again. And it's all just been a little too much for me. I was made to be better than everyone else. But right now, I'm feeling like the worst there is. It's all just too much, it's much better without them, not to harm them anymore than I have already.
"There is a fundamental justice in the universe and nothing so terrible can happen to a person for which he is not somehow responsible." That's a quote I remember reading once, over at Logan's. One thing I do know is that I've paid in full and doubled for all the things I could have and did do that'd make me responsible for anything I've received. There's just too much on one side of the debt, and not enough on the other. I've paid my dues, been punished for my faults, what about the good things I've done. Or even just the neutral things. No harm could have come from those, why would it then come back to me still?
"You really think that? All of that?"
Of course the wind can be tricky sometimes and make enough noise to where it sounds like someone's talking. It sure sounded like that, must be off my game to think that.
"No, you haven't gotten off, just side tracked maybe."
"Side tracked?" As if I'd been talking to myself all along.
"Strayed from the path you should be on, just missed one of the signs along the way."
"Who are you to tell me anything?" There's no use in turning around. It doesn't really matter who it is. I've got precious few options here. I could turn around and deal or I could listen and stay focused on the skyline as I am. That setting sun seems to make the choice for me.
"Let's just say, I know enough."
"Enough?"
"Yeah, enough."
Some of us, back when we were kids, used to think that some shark must've been mixed into our cocktails, 'cause sleep seems to be something rarely seen. But right now, I'm thinking I've stayed awake even beyond my tolerance and have nodded off. That's the only explanation for this. I'm just asleep, having some wack dream.
"Yeah, I know. For Max, right. If I see her, I'll make sure she gets is. Aiight, latter!"
So right there's Cindy. Ready to get the hell outta work, but piled high with a mighty heavy load. Looks like she's got enough packages for the next day or two. What the hell is Normal's problem, giving my girl things to run, now!
"Cindy, hey! Do me a favor, would ya-"
"Give this to Max for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the line, heard it enough. I'll give it."
"Thanks!"
"That's it, Original Cindy's delivered enough packages for Mr. Bip Bip, no more. I'm out of here!"
And with that, she went off, packages in hand. Next thing I know, I'm down at the apartment, Cindy getting ready, and mumbling to herself.
"Damn Boo. Why'd you have to freak now? Things weren't goin' too bad. Maybe even aiight. Things were on the up girl, more than you knew."
I really couldn't focus on her words, but on her face as she said them. There's only been a few times I've seen that kind of face on my girl there. None of them've been good.
Before I've got the time to multi-process to my heart's content, I'm over at Crash. The whole gang's there. If Crash is wild normally, I don't know if there's a word for it now. Everyone and their mothers and sisters are here. Looks like they're all enjoyin' themselves. But over there in the corner, the usual spot, the gang. Boo's got a better face on, not as sad. Puttin' up a nice front, maybe she means it.
"Cindy, where's Max?" asks a still mostly sober Sketchy.
"Oh, Boo's off somewhere. In such a rush I didn't even hear her say where." She tried to cover, lamely. She knows, and its not what she said.
Amazingly Alec seems to have gained admittance into our little group. 'Cause the boy's there with my friends.
"What, she too busy with Cale?"
"Could've been, but I think she's out on something else. That's all Original Cindy knows though."
"Too bad, at least someone could've gotten some."
"Hey! Girl may be wanting the man, but don't go and mess wit it. They played cat and mouse too long, and then the damn thing came between them when she came back. Boo's boy was goin' make it aiight though, found-he was goin' make sure things were aiight. Don't mess with em, they don't need that, not from you."
"Right. Well, I'm going to make sure that someone does. If its not them, all the better for me, make sure I get-"
"Don't even. Original Cindy doesn't wanna know. Too much boy, too much. See why I don't do the three legged ones, prime examp right there!" Her statement was lost on him; he was off trying to get with some poor girl.
But then Sketch chimed in, having finally enough time to have thought this out. "Oh, well if you hear from her, tell her I.tell her happy holidays."
"Of course boy, but she knows already, sure of that. But I'll tell her once she's slowed down enough to visit."
"Right!" and the serious tone gone, laughter replaces it.
So maybe they aren't the swiftest bunch of peeps, but they're mine, I love 'em all. And it doesn't take a magician to figure out what they're all ding inside about. And damn, it's me. I've gone and made things even worse when I was trying to stop damaging things.
But suddenly, I'm in some dark room. There's some faint light all around, but even if there is light, it feels very dark. Over by the corner, there's some shadow, I can see. It's a figure I've had memorized and imprinted into my brain for over a year. And he, it, is nothing hard on the eyes to say the least. But I can see his face, revved up and all. He's actually very calm and quiet, too much.
"Merry Christmas" I heard him whisper to the empty house. Why isn't he with someone? There's plenty of people for him. He could've been with some other friends, or maybe family, or even Asha if they'd had plans- Unless, he'd already had plans, and they fell through. Could the man have actually wanted to spend tonight with me? Is there any possibility I brought this amazing man to this? It's killing me, seeing him like this; especially knowing I did this to him. There isn't a thing I can do either. Damn everything, damn him for making me love him!
"Really, is that how you feel after all of this?"
I'd forgotten about her. Well, almost.
"I.I don't know. It's all-"
"No, you do know. I know enough. And now you know. Figure it all out, Max."
And suddenly I'm back on the needle. Maybe, if I really haven't done anything yet, maybe I can- Don't even think about it, just go and fix it. That's all that matters, that's the plan, make everything right.
"Boo, Cindy?"
"Oh, hey, Max. Didn't know where you'd gone to!"
"Never fear might Max is here. Oh god, was that as bad as it sounded to me? There's just some things no one should be allowed to say, that's gotta be one of 'em!"
Things aren't wrong, things are just right. Things'll be 'kay with us.
"Boo, let's just blame that on 'holiday cheer' and over exuberance. Forgiven, just don't repeat."
"Good. Look, Cindy, I know you probably want to go head off to Crash and hit it with the boys and the gang. But, there's something I've got to do. I dunno how long it'll take, might not be able to meet up with ya. That okay?"
" 'Course Boo. You go off on what eva you gotta do!"
So that's done, things haven't been wrecked. Now, one more stop to make. But in my rush to get out and off to where I need to go, I missed the wicked smile on Cindy's face. If I'd of seen it, maybe I'd have had some clue as to what I was about to walk into-literally.
The streets rush by, the wind snaps at me, but Foggle Towers never looked as good, maybe it has but never any better than now.
I'm in the same dark room, but now, its not so dark. You can make out the outlines of the skyline's buildings from the dark windows. There's a faint glow to everything from all the lit candles around the place. There's only one thing missing though. I start to walk around, looking for the man. And before I realize it, I've walked into some solid wall. It's got this amazing quality I've never known a wall to ever have. You can so tell it's Logan's house, that scent that's uniquely his is surrounding me. But now that I think, this wall isn't so flat and hard. It's actually rather warm, some-what soft yet with a firmness, and distinctly not a wall. No, it's something completely different, more like. Logan!
He must've figured I'd just realized it all, 'cause a finger is under my chin pointin' my face up into his. His arms are now around me, he's smiling and there are no rashes forming on him, anywhere I can see. The depths of his eyes begin to drown me when I hear a voice, his.
"Merry Christmas Max. My gift to you, a cure for the virus, the power I've been able to acquire to use all that revved blood this amazing gal gave me to give me my legs back for real, and last but not least, my finial gift for you."
What can you really say to that, and then know that there's more?
"My love," he whispers. Almost under his breath I hear, "though I think you've always had that."
I really can't put words to what I want to say. He's given me more than I deserve, more than I thought imaginable, he never ceases to amaze.
So, wrapped in his warm embrace, knowing enough, and having finally figured it all out, I'm perfectly content, "I love you too, always have."
Winking Tiger
"I know enough. And now you know. Figure it all out, Max."
Author's Note: This was a challenge I, along with my ES gals and guy, to do. So this is my little take on a traditional holiday story. I'm not saying everything's possible, but it's my little "perfect winter". I wrote this in a sleep deprived state, so if it's not the best, sorry. But I felt the need to post this since I'm still waiting for my beta on One Catch. Hope you enjoy!
And need all the comments you all have to give-bad or good. Just tell me, with brutal honesty. I can't read minds, and the only way I can know, is by you leaving a review, or writing me at [email protected]
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
The wind had swept through the city. Bringing cool jets of air, which in turn brought a gentle breeze. As the wind made its course, along the streets, little mounds were blown over. Each mound, of people, brought new, additional, and different sounds. Winter had yet to take its full effect, but its cool winds could still be felt. Of course, the holiday season was on full effect. It didn't matter what had happened in the world, what catastrophic events had occurred, or the conditions most of the population was left in. Some how, people still kept up the old traditions, at least most of them, in their own ways.
One time or another it used to be about religion. Later on, it was about gifts. Then the trend became caring on the "thought" and not the object, but to top any and everyone else's. And now, now it's to make sure that if you're doing anything, you did it for the ones you care about. No one can afford to buy anything now, that's to be expected. Most people are lucky if they can get themselves food to eat. How the hell are they supposed to buy extra? But besides those lucky, if you want to call them lucky, few that do have money-though that money is from the corruption of society or harming others-everyone's just trying to get around on the scraps that they've got. No matter what should happen, every year I get around and still see black market gifts-things that cost a fortune, for some stupid thing.
But the worst of this whole stupid mess, is that I haven't got anyone to make sure they know I care anymore. There isn't anyone that will drop a small fortune to get me something ridiculous, not now. And there isn't someone to spend this warped and wack holiday with. And all I can think about is how I really don't make a difference, not enough of one. Everyone would just be a lot better off if I weren't around. To screw things up, to hurt them, get them killed, or ruin things with them.
My small, little weird life seems to get smaller and worse all the time. Maybe if I reduced it to me, and this former glorious building, things would be better. Me and the needle, the high place. It's hard to suppress a laugh when you're up this high, and the wind's blowing against you, genetically engineered or not. High place, look where all of that's gotten me. It got Ben killed, took the Manticore nightmares back into my unconsciousness, and kept bringing me all of this. Gee, let's think.
I carried out my brother's last wish, I killed him to stop him from going back to the one place we all hate beyond anything can express. I snapped his neck to end his life, so that he wouldn't fight anymore, wouldn't struggle with everything he fought against. The paradox of my life, created and not conceived, got even weirder when my heat struck, scratched my itch with the wrong guy, admitted everything to the right guy, came to just about as close as I've been to heaven by that amazing man, then have it all taken from me right as things were balancing out.
I went to fight for every bit of a thing I called family, the other's I'd been raised with, and the man that I'd grown so close to, that I loved. Things might have actually worked out, but then of course they didn't and things began to deteriorate again. Long months and resistance meeting it all the way, I was taken back to the place I was for the first ten years of my life. It was hell being back. Maybe if I had never escaped, didn't know what I could miss, being back would have been just fine. But it wasn't, all I wanted to do was be as far away as possible from there. Finally, I escaped, again. But then, well, Alec, and Joshua, and Logan, and Asha. They all just seemed to come right after the other. I should have been able to go up to Logan and let him know that the strength he gave me, the will to stay and fight, was a form of love I could never get enough of. That I'd felt the same, that I wanted to make something of that dancing we'd done, and continue with the real that we'd only just began. But then everything caught up again. And it's all just been a little too much for me. I was made to be better than everyone else. But right now, I'm feeling like the worst there is. It's all just too much, it's much better without them, not to harm them anymore than I have already.
"There is a fundamental justice in the universe and nothing so terrible can happen to a person for which he is not somehow responsible." That's a quote I remember reading once, over at Logan's. One thing I do know is that I've paid in full and doubled for all the things I could have and did do that'd make me responsible for anything I've received. There's just too much on one side of the debt, and not enough on the other. I've paid my dues, been punished for my faults, what about the good things I've done. Or even just the neutral things. No harm could have come from those, why would it then come back to me still?
"You really think that? All of that?"
Of course the wind can be tricky sometimes and make enough noise to where it sounds like someone's talking. It sure sounded like that, must be off my game to think that.
"No, you haven't gotten off, just side tracked maybe."
"Side tracked?" As if I'd been talking to myself all along.
"Strayed from the path you should be on, just missed one of the signs along the way."
"Who are you to tell me anything?" There's no use in turning around. It doesn't really matter who it is. I've got precious few options here. I could turn around and deal or I could listen and stay focused on the skyline as I am. That setting sun seems to make the choice for me.
"Let's just say, I know enough."
"Enough?"
"Yeah, enough."
Some of us, back when we were kids, used to think that some shark must've been mixed into our cocktails, 'cause sleep seems to be something rarely seen. But right now, I'm thinking I've stayed awake even beyond my tolerance and have nodded off. That's the only explanation for this. I'm just asleep, having some wack dream.
"Yeah, I know. For Max, right. If I see her, I'll make sure she gets is. Aiight, latter!"
So right there's Cindy. Ready to get the hell outta work, but piled high with a mighty heavy load. Looks like she's got enough packages for the next day or two. What the hell is Normal's problem, giving my girl things to run, now!
"Cindy, hey! Do me a favor, would ya-"
"Give this to Max for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know the line, heard it enough. I'll give it."
"Thanks!"
"That's it, Original Cindy's delivered enough packages for Mr. Bip Bip, no more. I'm out of here!"
And with that, she went off, packages in hand. Next thing I know, I'm down at the apartment, Cindy getting ready, and mumbling to herself.
"Damn Boo. Why'd you have to freak now? Things weren't goin' too bad. Maybe even aiight. Things were on the up girl, more than you knew."
I really couldn't focus on her words, but on her face as she said them. There's only been a few times I've seen that kind of face on my girl there. None of them've been good.
Before I've got the time to multi-process to my heart's content, I'm over at Crash. The whole gang's there. If Crash is wild normally, I don't know if there's a word for it now. Everyone and their mothers and sisters are here. Looks like they're all enjoyin' themselves. But over there in the corner, the usual spot, the gang. Boo's got a better face on, not as sad. Puttin' up a nice front, maybe she means it.
"Cindy, where's Max?" asks a still mostly sober Sketchy.
"Oh, Boo's off somewhere. In such a rush I didn't even hear her say where." She tried to cover, lamely. She knows, and its not what she said.
Amazingly Alec seems to have gained admittance into our little group. 'Cause the boy's there with my friends.
"What, she too busy with Cale?"
"Could've been, but I think she's out on something else. That's all Original Cindy knows though."
"Too bad, at least someone could've gotten some."
"Hey! Girl may be wanting the man, but don't go and mess wit it. They played cat and mouse too long, and then the damn thing came between them when she came back. Boo's boy was goin' make it aiight though, found-he was goin' make sure things were aiight. Don't mess with em, they don't need that, not from you."
"Right. Well, I'm going to make sure that someone does. If its not them, all the better for me, make sure I get-"
"Don't even. Original Cindy doesn't wanna know. Too much boy, too much. See why I don't do the three legged ones, prime examp right there!" Her statement was lost on him; he was off trying to get with some poor girl.
But then Sketch chimed in, having finally enough time to have thought this out. "Oh, well if you hear from her, tell her I.tell her happy holidays."
"Of course boy, but she knows already, sure of that. But I'll tell her once she's slowed down enough to visit."
"Right!" and the serious tone gone, laughter replaces it.
So maybe they aren't the swiftest bunch of peeps, but they're mine, I love 'em all. And it doesn't take a magician to figure out what they're all ding inside about. And damn, it's me. I've gone and made things even worse when I was trying to stop damaging things.
But suddenly, I'm in some dark room. There's some faint light all around, but even if there is light, it feels very dark. Over by the corner, there's some shadow, I can see. It's a figure I've had memorized and imprinted into my brain for over a year. And he, it, is nothing hard on the eyes to say the least. But I can see his face, revved up and all. He's actually very calm and quiet, too much.
"Merry Christmas" I heard him whisper to the empty house. Why isn't he with someone? There's plenty of people for him. He could've been with some other friends, or maybe family, or even Asha if they'd had plans- Unless, he'd already had plans, and they fell through. Could the man have actually wanted to spend tonight with me? Is there any possibility I brought this amazing man to this? It's killing me, seeing him like this; especially knowing I did this to him. There isn't a thing I can do either. Damn everything, damn him for making me love him!
"Really, is that how you feel after all of this?"
I'd forgotten about her. Well, almost.
"I.I don't know. It's all-"
"No, you do know. I know enough. And now you know. Figure it all out, Max."
And suddenly I'm back on the needle. Maybe, if I really haven't done anything yet, maybe I can- Don't even think about it, just go and fix it. That's all that matters, that's the plan, make everything right.
"Boo, Cindy?"
"Oh, hey, Max. Didn't know where you'd gone to!"
"Never fear might Max is here. Oh god, was that as bad as it sounded to me? There's just some things no one should be allowed to say, that's gotta be one of 'em!"
Things aren't wrong, things are just right. Things'll be 'kay with us.
"Boo, let's just blame that on 'holiday cheer' and over exuberance. Forgiven, just don't repeat."
"Good. Look, Cindy, I know you probably want to go head off to Crash and hit it with the boys and the gang. But, there's something I've got to do. I dunno how long it'll take, might not be able to meet up with ya. That okay?"
" 'Course Boo. You go off on what eva you gotta do!"
So that's done, things haven't been wrecked. Now, one more stop to make. But in my rush to get out and off to where I need to go, I missed the wicked smile on Cindy's face. If I'd of seen it, maybe I'd have had some clue as to what I was about to walk into-literally.
The streets rush by, the wind snaps at me, but Foggle Towers never looked as good, maybe it has but never any better than now.
I'm in the same dark room, but now, its not so dark. You can make out the outlines of the skyline's buildings from the dark windows. There's a faint glow to everything from all the lit candles around the place. There's only one thing missing though. I start to walk around, looking for the man. And before I realize it, I've walked into some solid wall. It's got this amazing quality I've never known a wall to ever have. You can so tell it's Logan's house, that scent that's uniquely his is surrounding me. But now that I think, this wall isn't so flat and hard. It's actually rather warm, some-what soft yet with a firmness, and distinctly not a wall. No, it's something completely different, more like. Logan!
He must've figured I'd just realized it all, 'cause a finger is under my chin pointin' my face up into his. His arms are now around me, he's smiling and there are no rashes forming on him, anywhere I can see. The depths of his eyes begin to drown me when I hear a voice, his.
"Merry Christmas Max. My gift to you, a cure for the virus, the power I've been able to acquire to use all that revved blood this amazing gal gave me to give me my legs back for real, and last but not least, my finial gift for you."
What can you really say to that, and then know that there's more?
"My love," he whispers. Almost under his breath I hear, "though I think you've always had that."
I really can't put words to what I want to say. He's given me more than I deserve, more than I thought imaginable, he never ceases to amaze.
So, wrapped in his warm embrace, knowing enough, and having finally figured it all out, I'm perfectly content, "I love you too, always have."