Xx Of Memories and Misery xX

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Some things to be known:

Flames will be used to amuse Red XIII

I do not own anything even remotely related to "Spirited Away" (Sen to Chihiro, whatever), except a copy of the soundtrack, which is awesome (anyone who wants some of the songs should email me. I can send you copies.).

Chapter 1: The Loss

Chihiro blinked awake to the sound of a loud thubbetty-thump, thubbetty-thump noise. Outside the car window, which her face was pressed against awkwardly, trees flashed by at –she checked the speedometer-80mph.

"Eighty miles per hour!!??" She screamed as the numbers clicked in her head. "Kureno, stop!!!!"

Her ever-reckless boyfriend just turned to grin at her rakishly, and turned back to the road.

The car continued to hurtle down the dirt road as Chihiro yelled at Kureno. Eventually, when he just couldn't take it anymore (let's face it, who could?), he turned and yelled, "Geez! Chihiro! It's not like I'm going to hit-!"

"Look out!"

He slammed on brakes, barely avoiding collision with a mossy jizō statue. Chihiro turned and glared pointedly at her boyfriend, the carefree, nearly-got-them-killed driver.

"What happened to 'I wont hit anything'?" She asked irritably.

Kureno grinned from ear to ear. "Well, I didn't actually hit anything, thanks to you…" She glared, half in amusement, and half disgust, before popping her car door and clambering out to come face to face with…

A big, pink, old looking "train station"(1). Chihiro narrowed her eyes at the big abandoned theme park that her family had taken a walk in while they moved to a small village from Osaka when she was ten.

Now, at seventeen, she was a much more mature person, but in looks she remained basically the same. Her long brown hair (now taking on it's customary summer blond streaks), was tied back with a glittery hair band (2). Two shorter chunks hung on the sides of her face, and her bangs were much longer. Her face had hollowed out a little, emphasizing her cheekbones and stripping away her baby fat. Her body wasn't perfect, but strong and toned. She was a lot taller than before, and her feet seemed too big for her spindly ankles. She had also, out of nowhere, sprouted a figure. Striped tee-shirts were still a favorite, along with super-short running shorts. Chihiro had met Kureno, her best friend's boyfriend at the time, during a track meet. They had instantly liked each other, and when Amiko broke up with him at the next meet, they made plans to go out. Amiko had merely shrugged and said, "Rather you than me…" and ignored him.

Now she stalked up to the building, examining it closely, sifting through her memories.

"Where've I seen this?" she wondered aloud (3). Kureno shrugged.

"Maybe you saw a real estate ad for it or something. Let's go in. This is the place I was telling you about. It's really…pretty." He cringed, wishing he'd used a more manly word, but Chihiro beamed.

"Okay!" She grabbed his hand, but then looked at the building. It was very creepy, and very dark… Both of them faltered as the wind blew from behind.

"It's pulling us in…" she breathed, having an instant sense of dejá vu.

"Don't be silly, Hiro. Must be a coincidence." He pulled her forward, her face contorted in a frown.

"No." she ran back to the car, jumping in and closing the door. "I'm not going. I remember this place now. When we were moving here, we went in and got lost and it was nothing but woods." It definitely wasn't somewhere she wanted to go again, pretty or not.

Kureno sighed. She was making the face, the one that meant no matter what you said, she would be sure to ignore it until you gave up and gave in (5). He clambered back into the car, strapping in and turning the key in the ignition. Pulling the car around in a three point turn, he drove back down the dirt path. A stony silence permeated the air until they were back on paved road.

Chihiro gave a sigh of relief, then her neck snapped as a sixteen-wheeler slammed into her side of the car.

xXx

When she awoke there was pain. A tugging, pulling pain, right in her chest. It grew, and grew, till she was gasping for breath, clawing at her skin, sitting upright with a jolt. She cringed, realizing she was in a room, like a hospital, with a soft bed beneath her and a warm blanket on top.

All this she saw through eyes tearing from pain. A gruff, grandmotherly voice came from behind her. "Breathe, dear."

Chihiro took a deep breath. The pain still wracked her frame, but the oxygen helped. A woman with a head so hugely out of portion to her body that the size of her nose shouldn't really have been a surprise walked into the room, watching Chihiro out of the corner of her eye.

"What…why am I…?" she gasped out, fighting back the physical anguish.

"You're dying, dear. Or rather," the woman chuckled, "you're getting used to being dead." Chihiro couldn't quite care enough through the haze of pain to even try to look horrified. Instead, she just looked like she'd eaten a lemon. The bobble-head woman came over, taking her shoulders in her grip, instructing the wincing girl.

"Breath. Now, reach inside your mind." Chihiro tried, looking at her thoughts.

"Imagine your body. Get up out of it- just do it! And walk away. Let go." Chihiro imagined, then saw, with perfect clarity, a her with a badly broken neck, lying next to a beeping monitor in a hospital room. Asleep, or in a coma. She imagined being in that body, and suddenly she was, unable to open her eyes, immobile, but in her body. The heart rate monitor spiked. Her pulse was going up, but she knew she'd never wake up.

"Her heart rate! Get the doctor!" Her mother's voice.

Chihiro summoned her whole mind. She saw herself standing up, swinging out of the bed, then turning to see…herself, going white, the bee-beep, bee-beep of the monitor slowing. Let go. She did. Somehow, she did.

And she was back in the soft bed in the white room. No, she realized. Cream colored walls, wood floor, white lace curtains. Just clean, not sterile. The grandmotherly woman had let go of her shoulders, and was heading to the door. "I believe we have a guest…" she announced over her shoulder to Chihiro. The door closed and she left, leaving Hiro with a sense of knowing the old woman. Granny. She had called her Granny. A visitor? She saw an open door, a grand dragon, which shouldn't have been alright, but was.

Then she was back, puzzling over her memories.

From the next room she heard, "Found two children, human spirits, lying out there…yes, in here…a girl. You might…" in the voice of Granny, Zaniba, then a boy's voice, familiar, "Not…no. Of course…best regards. May I…?"

The door opened, Granny walking through with a boy, maybe older than Chihiro, trailing behind. His hair was green, his eyes the same color, his skin porcelain pale (6). She appraised him silently. Maybe…she might have known him…Hair loose around his face, shorter, thin, too old for his body.

"Dear, this is Haku. I'm Zaniba. And I don't believe we've heard your name yet?"

She continued to frown at the boy. "Se…Chihiro. My name is Chihiro." Now she frowned at her hands. Sen? Where had that come from?

A gasp from the boy, Haku, Kohaku River. The colors…he looked like the dragon. Then, a groan from another room, one over, through the other door, drew Zaniba from the room muttering, "That'd be the other one."

"The other one? Kureno? Is it him?" Chihiro sat up straighter. She remembered an impact, a slam. It must have killed him, too, surely? But was it wrong to wish he were dead, with her?

"Yes, yes, dear. You should be resting,"said Zaniba, gently, from the doorway, before continuing into the next room. Chihiro huffed and sat back against the soft pillow.

"Chihiro?" Her head whipped to the side, facing Haku again. "So…it's you…" His head shook slowly.

"Do I know you?" Her words caused his eyes to widen, a slight blush to rise to his cheeks. This time he nodded, then responded verbally.

"You did. You were lost here, oh, for you I suppose it was seven years ago, for three days. With your parents. But when you left…you weren't supposed to remember." His head was bowed now. "I shouldn't be surprised..."

"I wasn't supposed to remember…? But I remember some things…Zaniba is Granny, and you're the Kohaku River, whatever that means. And I'm dead, apparently." She shook her head to clear it. Spirit world...bathhouse....Haku...Flying, on a dragon...Kaonashi.... "You're a dragon..." she said slowly. "And...something about a frog?" His eyes danced with laughter.

"Yes, he's one of the bath attendants. Kaonashi (7) ate him, at one point," then he sighed, his smile disappearing (8). "And yes, I am a dragon. In theory (9)."

She studied his eyes thoughtfully, then said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are. I mean," she paused, "I see you and think, Haku, river, dragon, apprentice to evil witch, but I don't know how I know this stuff..."

"I wouldn't expect you to," came the slightly distracted reply. He turned the full force of his gaze upon her. "Do you remember anything else?"

"The frog, lot's of frogs, actually, a bathhouse, and a shadow with a Noh mask...A woman like Granny whose name is Yubaba. A fly. A...hamster? Guinea pig? A really fat baby," she listed offhandedly.

He nodded. "And you and Granny...kind of..." she added.

"Well, the frog I just told you about....The bathhouse...was were you worked while you were here. And Yubaba owns and runs the bathhouse. The shadow is Kaonashi, who should come to bring you tea in about three minutes. The hamster is the baby, and he's Yubaba's son...Yubaba is Zaniba's sister, by the way..." he explained.

"And a big sea, and soot balls, and lots of grass, and pigs, and black shapes, and flowers....lots of flowers," she began to warm to the subject, listing flashes of memory with gusto. "And...lots of blood. On wood. A train...and fear. So much fear."

Haku smiled sadly. "Yes," he began, "the spirit train. There are flowers in the gardens by the pig pens." His voice became guarded, "The pigs...were probably your parents...The blood was mine, and the fear was probably of my making as well..."

"And the black shapes," Chihiro asked, cautiously.

"Deceased human spirits," he told her awkwardly, then looked away.

"Dead people? Like me?" she demanded.

He rounded on her, eyes snapping with fire. "No! Not like you, but like the boy in the other room, like your parents will be when they die. Like every other person on Earth, in the human world will! But not you. (10)" He turned away from her, eyes closed breathing through his nose. "I'm sorry," he said, finally. "It's just difficult, because I'm not used to you not knowing things."

Silence prevailed. Then she broke it. "Why?"

"Why what?" he asked, his back still towards her.

"Why not me? Why am I different?"

Breath leaving his lungs in a harsh puff he responded, "There are two reasons. First, you ate spirit food while you were still alive. It ties you to this world, and made you...different. Second, you have an exceptionally strong spirit," he glanced at her form the corner of his eye. "Your spirit has another name, different from your...normal one. Sen."

She gasped. Sen. The name she had almost called herself. And the memories were coming back in a more steady stream, now. Haku, saving her. Rin, taking care of her, teaching her to pour a bath, clean a tub. Yubaba, scaring her witless. Haku, injured. Haku, guiding her through a beautiful garden, giving her her real name back. "And Kureno...he will fade?"

Haku sighed and nodded. "If he hasn't already, yes, he will fade."

Chihiro choked back a sob. Kureno, become one of those awful, awfully scary figures that haunted the ghost train?

She leapt out of bed, but slid, and Haku caught her with deft strength. He tried to push her back onto the bed, but she slipped quickly underneath his arms, darting into the other room.

"Chihiro!" his exasperated voice only halted her steps for a moment. Kureno was lying on an identical white bed, and his hands were already turning into black mist.

"Chihiro-chan," he said, smiling.

Tears were now running down her face in full force. "Kureno! You're...!" Her voice quietened. "You're fading!"

His brown eyes looked her over. "Aren't you?"

"No." She shook her head. "I'm not. I won't." A look of panic came over his face. "Why not?" he asked, his voice calm but shaking slightly. She gulped. "I—oh, you'll never believe me, but here goes." She took a deep breath, aware both Zaniba and Haku were watching her. "I've been here before. I didn't remember until now, but...this is the place my parents and I got lost when I was ten, on our move to Osaka. I was here for three days, and I had to eat spirit food so I wouldn't disappear. It changed me..." She wiped at her tears. The blackness had spread up Kureno's arms, up to his shoulders now.

"Can't that work for me, too?" he asked.

"I'm afraid not, dear. You're dead. Little Chihiro was still alive when she was here. It does make a difference. Now the food would only make you fade faster," cut in Zaniba. "The spirit essence will only cause your spirit to convert more quickly."

"But the black spirits can't talk," whispered Chihiro, mortified. "You...I wouldn't be able to talk to you, even if I could recognize you..."

"We can't talk?!" he exclaimed, sitting up with a start. His use of the word "we" stung Chihiro. It was clearly a "we" in which she was not included. He was already leaving her behind...

"Only amongst yourselves, dear. While human spirits can talk with each other, they can't speak to other types of spirits..." She neatly folded the blanket on the end of his bed. "However, there is the matter of reincarnation. If you choose to, you can be born again. You have to--"

Chihiro tuned her out, getting up, standing next to Haku.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured.

She looked at him with red rimmed eyes. "Why?"

He sighed listlessly, and shrugged. "I gave you the food that meant you couldn't go with him. Of course, I didn't know the consequences then..."

She shook her head. "No, Haku. If you did...and I say 'if' because I don't remember, then you're the reason I met him at all...You're the reason I didn't fade back then..." He turned her face with a finger on her chin, wiping away the tears that wouldn't stop flowing. He released her face, but then squeezed her hand. The gesture seemed platonic enough, so she returned it. Her face grew warmer, and she could tell a slight blush was dominating her features.

"Chihiro!" Kureno called. She pulled herself away from Haku with a certain reluctance, their fingertips brushing together as she walked towards her fading boyfriend's bed. She wasn't quite sure about the spark that had seemed to ignite via his touch, but then resigned herself. What did it matter? She was going to be very suddenly single in only a few moments.

"Chihiro?" His voice was growing fainter as the shadow creeped up his torso. "Can you help me get outside?" She nodded, keeping her face blank as she helped him out of bed, slinging his arm over her shoulder. It was ice cold, so cold it almost burned her. Zaniba held the door as they limped outside.

Once through the kitchen, out the door, and on the path to the train station, she let him go, and he swayed slightly before regaining his balance. "Chihiro—" he started, but she interrupted him. Whispering, she said, "Kureno, I know we've been...romantic for a long time, but after you fade..." she shook her head. "I want to be able to look for happiness without guilt. I want you to be able to look for happiness without guilt. So, I release you, with all my heart." She stepped back. The shadows were at his jaw, curling up onto his face.

"Goodbye, koi-bito...(11)" he called as the darkness swallowed him whole. He turned away, a black figure that seemed to swallow light. Down the path, with Hiro squeaking along beside him.

The minute he rounded the curve, out of sight, Chihiro felt all her strength drain. Her legs buckled, and she was falling. But then two warm arms caught her. Two thin, spindly, but very strong arms. Through a dim haze of fog, she could feel herself being hoisted into the air, cradled against a chest that, though clothed, she could tell was lightly muscled.

"Poor dear, this was quite a lot to go through right when she woke up..."

"We should get her back to bed..."

She was moving gently, like being rocked. Then she was being put down on the soft bed, but she clutched at the shirt her face was pressed against. A masculine sigh, followed by the careful disentanglement of her fingers from the fabric. And then she was falling, falling into the black, warm darkness—but no! The blackness had swallowed Kureno whole, eaten him alive!

But she didn't have the strength to do more then whimper, turn her head, and give a tiny cry of "no!"

"Shhh..." a thin, warm hand brushed her bangs to the side, exposing a her forehead to the chill air. The fingers moved down the side of her face, and she gripped them loosely with her own. She heard a soft laugh, and clung to the fingers still more tightly. They wrapped around hers, and she suddenly knew that she could sleep, because these hands could pull her out of the darkness. The warm dark closed over her, and she slept.

Zaniba walked into the room with a tray of tea things, and noted with a chuckle that Chihiro had fallen asleep clutching Haku's hand. She placed the tea things on the end of the bed, and magicked two chairs into the room. Kaonashi drifted in behind, standing guard in a corner.

They were in for a long wait...

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Well, here's the footnotes:

The entrance to the Spirit World, the world Chihiro (at the time Sen) had worked at the bathhouse in.

The one that the hamster, No-face, and the fly make for her...

Of course she doesn't remember it...

She remembers it as "nothing but woods"...

Woman's most prized possession...

Guess who.

Kaonashi~No Face (literally "faceless")

His emotions change quickly, like water.

Connection to another fic of mine, "Dragon Kisses"

He's very angry...and slightly bi-polar. I think it's better for Haku to be capricious than stolid. He is, after all, a river god.

Koi-bito~literally "lover"

Parting Comments: Thanks for reading! Skittles to anyone who reviews!

Hugs and Kisses

Eden