A/N – Well here is my new story inspired by Shotgun Charlie. Emmett gives a little insight into how his book came to be! Hope you enjoy.

I do not own these characters…they belong to SM

It's only fair to begin at the beginning of this great adventure in order to tell how this book to came to be so here goes:

We met in the usual way.

Boy sees bear.

Bear mauls boy.

Hot vampire finds boy.

Hot vampire carries boy miles and miles to safety.

Boy becomes vampire.

Boy is eternally grateful.

After all she is HOT.

Okay, perhaps not your conventional story. I'm not conventional though.

That first year was a bit rough. It's a bit hard to get it on when all you want to do is drink the blood of the entire town. It kind of puts a damper on the whole sex drive. Not that I didn't give it a good try.

So after that first year we definitely made up for lost time. She was as creative as she was beautiful. I was no slouch either. Plus when you added in the whole superhuman strength thing it opened up a whole new world of options to us.

That did take some getting used to though. It got a little out of hand when you kept reducing furniture to a pile of rubble all the time. Esme really didn't like that either.

She was already part of a family that I eagerly embraced. I vaguely remembered that my original human family had been quite close and it was nice to have others who had been through this and who knew how to help me. As time went by our family was complete. Carlisle had Esme, Jasper had Alice and I had Rosalie. Edward of course was the odd man out. I don't use the term odd lightly either. Uptight didn't even begin to describe this kid.

He had to hear what went on in this house every night and yet he never was tempted to find his own mate. Hell, who even needed a mate, the boy just needed to get some with someone, anyone and release some of that pent up business he had going on. I figured that when we went to Denali it would be his perfect opportunity. Tanya was there and she wanted him, she wanted him bad and yet nothing…nada...zilch…zero. I mean she was basically throwing herself at him. If I didn't have Rosalie I would have taken a bite of that…thank goodness that Rosalie wasn't the one who could read minds she would have had my balls for that thought.

That was when I began to worry a bit about Edward. How did one survive so many decades without sex? It was hard enough to make it through school sometimes. Rose and I had been guilty on more than one occasion of sneaking away during lunch to well…you know. I shouldn't really have to spell it out for you. But in case you ever wondered I am capable of spelling…S-E-X. There you go. Trees were surprisingly good props. Who would have ever guessed?

Anyways...back to the subject at hand. After years of wondering about Edward…was he gay, straight? I really wanted to know what his story was. I held out hope for him, one day I was certain that he would meet someone, anyone at this point. I was getting a bit desperate for him since he seemed to show absolutely no interest in anything that was remotely doable.

After much internal debate I realized that on the off chance that he did find a woman one day he was going to need some guidance. And who was the better man to provide such wisdom than me? Not trying to brag but I had decades of experience and my woman was always satisfied. There were days when she found it hard to walk after a night with me and she's a vampire…just saying. So, I decided to impart my wisdom to him via a book. I debated various methods in the beginning…burn a CD, videos, flashcards but I decided that a book would hold up the best. After all who knew how long it would take him to find someone, books stood the test of time.

I of course had to enlist the help of Rose because in order to provide the best and most educational book out there I would need detailed illustrations. It was a must because Edward tended to need visuals at times. Plus I couldn't imagine him trying to visualize these things through mere words alone and while I didn't mind him picking my brain to get the necessary information I had a feeling he might not feel comfortable. The boy needed all the help he could possibly get otherwise I felt sorry for whoever decided to do the deed with him. God help her.

So I hired the best artist of the time. Unlimited funds did have its advantages. It took some convincing to get Rose to go along with this part of the plan but once she saw the reaction that the artist had to her it was a little easier. Granted that was when it got difficult for me. No one should look at her like that but me. I fixed that real quick when I stripped down and he got an idea of my full proportions. I insisted that everything be drawn to scale. I made sure to pay scrupulous attention to detail because this was a training manual after all. I was a bit concerned that whomever Edward decided to share this book with might be intimidated by his shortcomings because let's be honest here anyone else would pale in comparison to me. She was already going to have enough to deal with in that situation but in the interest of accuracy I couldn't bring myself to make any changes of that sort.

Slowly but surely the book began to come together. I would spend any free time I had getting my notes together and performing the tiresome task of making sure that all the descriptions were completely accurate. Sometimes Rosalie and I would have to try something 4-5 times a night. Someone had to make sure that those descriptions were completely accurate. I certainly wouldn't want Edward to get hurt if I missed a step or something. It's all about the details my friend.

Eventually Volume I was complete. Yes, I said Volume I! Once it reached 1,267 pages I knew that my knowledge was not something that could be contained in one simple book. So Emmett's Guide to Sex is what you would call my "Greatest Hits". A compilation of the tried and true, guaranteed to make any woman happy. It was the beginner's manual, kind of like an introduction. Edward would not be ready to move on to the advanced courses for some time. He needed to work on his stamina and his form and this was the perfect way in which to get his ears wet so to speak.

So there I sat, year after year my book gathering dust as Edward continued to meet no one. Too bad there wasn't an easy way to meet your vampire mate…vampire mixer, vampire singles cruise, vampire speed dating, vampire chat rooms. I was getting desperate for him.

Then one day he met her and I felt a glimmer of hope. There was that little issue of her being a human (leave it to Edward to make this task even more difficult than necessary) but perhaps one day he would change her and I would finally get my moment to shine. I was able to be patient. After all there was a light at the end of the tunnel now. So I would just bide my time until the moment presented itself and they needed the book.

I never expected it to occur so quickly and while she was still human to boot but I was never one to miss an opportunity when it presented itself. So here I will share with you the same lessons that I shared with Edward and break down the chapters as I did for Edward. Sit back, relax and enjoy. Please feel free to try whatever strikes your fancy. This is broken down into several chapters and I will admit it is a lot of information to digest all in one sitting so remember to pace yourself.

So without further ado please take a peek inside. By all means feel free to skip ahead to whatever looks particularly interesting to you. For the sake of teaching though I will present in the same format in which I presented to Edward so please feel free to take notes, in fact I highly encourage it. Okay if everyone is ready I will begin with the prologue. Feel free to interrupt at anytime and thanks in advance for everyone who is choosing to join me in this tutorial, I hope that you aren't disappointed.

Okay…the second chapter will be coming soon. Let me know what you think