What Really Happened in Eldest?

Chapter 1: Eragon, the Idiot

Dedicated to my brother David, whose ideas shaped this story. Thanks, Dave.

Eragon stared at the flames burning in the distance. He groaned. How had he gotten here? He couldn't remember much, but gradually it all came back to him.

He found a dragon egg, named it Saphira, and set off on an adventure for some very important reason that Eragon never really found out with an old dude and fishy boy. The old dude died, they found an old yet pretty lady, met some creepy side characters, and engaged in a Yo mamma fight with a Shade. Fishy boy was arrested but then set free, and the old pretty lady wasn't sick anymore. Now people called Eragon a Shadeslayer, but he didn't really know why. The Shade just laid down and died at his feet.

Eragon became dimly aware that the flames were getting much closer. He was back in Tronjhiem, he realized. Ah, yes, now he remembered. He ran away from Tronjhiem because Saphira broke the big shiny thing. They were overpowered by lawn gnomes and he was illegally smuggled back to Tronjhiem.

Eragon realized that he was being carried by some dwarves. He was tied up and gagged. The dwarves were shouting something.

"BURN HIM! BURN HIM! BURN HIM! BURN HIM!"

Oh yeah. They were angry at him.

The chant was interrupted, however, when Saphira flew down from above, roaring and spitting flames. Eragon began to squirm with joy, saying things that sounded like, "Afira! o, god, fank oo! Fank oo!

Get off of him, you lousy gnomes! I will mend your stupid jewel if I must! Sheesh…

The dwarves looked happy despite the fact that they had been called gnomes. They dropped and untied Eragon, then dispersed. Saphira would heal Isidar Mithrim when she was strong enough. They got to work assembling the pieces.

"Thanks Saphira." Eragon said, standing up. "But why'd you do it?"

Only because our lives are intertwined, fat one. You have a boat ride to Ellesmera to catch now, so hurry. I will fly alongside soon.

"Great Gadspeed, Batman, You're right! Quick, to the Batmobile!" Eragon yelled in a decent imitation of Robin. He jumped up and ran off in a superhero like way, Saphira standing there staring.

Eragon was boarding the ship when a messenger told him that some Urgals had surprised Ajihad, Murtagh, and The twins. Ajihad was dead, and the rest were missing. Nasuada was now the leader of the Varden.

"And I care… why?" Eragon told the messenger. The messenger looked at him funny and jogged away.

Eragon, Arya, Orik, and a few more elves and dwarves boarded their little rafts and left for Ellesmera in Du Weldenvarden on some river that stretched across most of Alegaesia. The author was really bored, so she cut out all that good stuff about the dwarf cities and whatnot. You want it back? Well, tough nubs! So here they are on the river. Ok? Ok. Moving on now.

Eragon was really bored. These people were such deadbeats. All Arya, in all her prettiness, and her little elf friends did was paint their toenails and talk on the phone in squealy voices with other elves. All the dwarves did was ask Eragon how many toes he had. It was incredibly annoying, so he put a sign on his back that said, I have 12no 95no 6023no 2no bob no 10no 5 toes on my feet! It worked, but from then on, Eragon got the feeling people were avoiding him.

One day Eragon was sitting by the edge of the raft, watching Saphira fly in circles, chasing her tail. The raft hit a large wave and Eragon was thrown overboard. Luckily, the water was fairly shallow and Eragon could just stand. The ship captain anchored 15 feet from Eragon. Quickly, everyone was watching with fear, pity, or hilarity.

"Oh no…" Orik said. "This is bad…"

"Why?" asked Arya.

"Yesterday there was a big spill in the river. It was all over the news."

"Well, what did they spill?"

"A barge carrying gene enhancing chemicals tipped over. They were carrying lots of painful, irritating chemicals, but mostly it was a shipment of H2O9."

"What's H2O9?"

"An enhanced chemical that, when worn, will attract animals to you like bees to honey, them seeking… well… grown-up stuff."

"Ooo! ...That's bad…"

"Yeah."

Meanwhile, in the river, Eragon was having trouble getting to the boat. On his tippy toes, he just barely stood and the waves kept crashing over his face. It was about to get harder. There were animals all over the place. Birds were landing on him from everywhere. Fish were swimming up to him. Then, in one move, they all dove at Eragon. The birds were pecking at his face. The fish were sucking on his legs. He gasped in pain as a school of leeches attached themselves to him where it hurts the most.

Then, relief. A bit. Eragon found a small sandbar and the water only came up to his waist. He began to tear at the insane animals attacking him. He finally got them all off. Eragon looked up and screamed. Some little dumb brown dragon things started screeching from above. They dove at Eragon. Eragon tried to run away, but to no avail. The mini dragons crashed into him at breakneck speed, screeching and clawing and biting.

"Why me?" Eragon murmured to himself from under the scaly attackers.

Eragon sat on the raft wrapped in a blanket, shivering. After being rescued from the river by Saphira, everyone had retreated to the inside because Eragon had some pretty nasty mutations going on from the chemicals in the river. His skin was shriveled, painful, and bright red. There was Spanish Moss growing from his ears, and all his hair had fallen off except for a shiny white beard growing an inch an hour. Even Saphira wouldn't come close.

The walkie talkie next to Eragon buzzed. Orik's voice crackled on.

"See those mountains over here?"

"Yeah. What about 'em?"

"They're the lone Beor mountains. Their names are Marge, Fern, Penelope, and Antidisestablishmentarianism."

"Antidisestablishmentarianism?"

"They were running out of good names back then."

"So… when are we getting to Ceris?"

Alert! Alert! Main character knows future plotline! Abort! Abort!

Sirens started screaming, and a bunch of S.W.A.T. people with guns surrounded the area. The sky got all stormy and creepy.

Then a rock came out of nowhere and hit Eragon on the head, knocking him out.

It's here! YAY!