Authors Note: This goes out to all my /co/mrade homies out there.

"My name is Candy America Sarah Palin Smith and my codename is Republican Princess! I was almost raped by my father when I was 5, and ever since then I've had trouble trusting men. I especially hate liberal men because they're the most likely to commit rape!" Said the sexily dressed adventurer, standing on the rooftop and looking FIERCE with the lightning flash behind her.

Nearby, a man in an ever-changing mask watched her, entranced. Never before had he met a woman who shared his views. Maybe this one wasn't a whore? He moved in for a closer look.

"Hurm," was all he said. She looked at him and narrowed her eyes.

"Get away! I do not like men! I will break your fingers!"

Rorschach was taken aback; SHE also enjoyed breaking fingers? As he stood there, amazed, she retrieved a can of beans from her pocket and began to eat them cold.

That was it. He knew he had to have her.

"Beans. I like them."

She looked at him with mistrust in her eye, but the smallest glimmer of hope. Could this man really understand the complexities of Republican Princess? Perhaps, like homosexuals, it was worth investigating further.

"Here, have some," she said, offering the can hesitantly to him. As he took the can, their fingers touched. They both shivered involuntarily. Absentmindedly, she removed some sugar cubes from her pocket and began to eat them.

"I like sugar cubes," he stated in between hand-scooped handfuls of delicious cold beans. She could not help but smile as she handed him some sugar cubes.

The bean-slop on his face was too much for her to resist. She moved in to kiss him, but then gunfire nearly missed her ear!

"We are angry liberals and we're here to rape you!" shouted an angry voice from down the alley.

Republican Princess got into her battle stance. Her worst fears had been realized! Her dad was back to finish the job.

As the rapists closed in on the pair, Rorschach stepped in front of Republican Princess. He would not let the single non-whore in the whole wide world die at the hands of angry rapists! Then, he felt a punch in his kidney.

"Ennk," he moaned.

"Do not try to protect me! I don't need a man to fight my battles!" She stated. It was Republican Princess who had delivered the powerful punch! She was so strong.

The rapists opened fire, shooting and kicking at Rorschach and Republican Princess as they fought side by side. They even tried to put roofies in the canned beans, but Rorschach and Republican Princess were too quick for them! The rapists fought long and hard, and nearly pinned down Republican Princess, but they were no match for the new Dynamic Duo! Soon, all of the rapists were disposed of, fingers broken and bodies thrown down nearby elevator shafts.

Sweating and breathing heavily, Republican Princess and Rorschach leaned on one another for support. They were so tired they could hardly stand.

"Thank you. I guess not all men are so bad..." she finally breathed, looking where his eyes would be.

"Hurm," he replied, looking back into her beautiful plaid eyes.

Hesitantly, Republican princess moved her hand up to his masked face. His body tensed, but he did not move. She lifted up the mask, only revealing that beautiful bean-eating mouth once more. Then, she moved in for a kiss.

Rorschach didn't kiss back. He seemed unsure. Sensing this, Republican Princess took the lead.

"Act like my lips are a delicious can of beans," she cooed sexily.

"Hurn," he replied excitedly, and did as he was told. Republican Princess was delighted to taste every single thing Rorschach had eaten over the past few days, for he was certainly a man's man, and didn't bother with things like oral hygiene. It was like eating the beans and sugar cubes all over again. Surely, this was heaven.

In his excitement, Rorschach began to kiss other places, leaving bean juice trails all over her neck and arms. Republican Princess was starting to feel uncertain. Was she letting another man do to her what her father had done? Yet the smell of Nostalgia hung thick in the air, and when it mixed with the intoxicating BO of her new-found companion, it became the greatest aphrodisiac she had ever known.

"I don't even know your name," she murmured as she ran her fingers down his grease-stained trench coat.

"Walter," he answered, before realizing what he'd done. He had revealed his name to this woman without hesitating! Surely this was LOVE. He tore off his mask, revealing his face to her. She gasped.

The freckles. The oily face. The stick-out ears. He was perfect.

"I know it's wrong, and it's something only a dirty liberal WHORE would do, but I want you Walter Kovacs. I want your man-beans in my Bushels Canned Beans can," she exclaimed breathily as she picked lice from his hair in her excitement.

"Not a whore. I am a conservative. This is ok," he assured her, removing his trench coat.

That was all the assurance she needed. Republican Princess threw off her costume and her American Flag panties with matching bra were to follow next. Rorschach also stripped down to nothing but his tighty-whiteys, which were no longer white, but a very manly shade of light brown.

"No woman to do your laundry for you, eh?" she teased, grabbing him by the worn-out elastic waist band.

"Or sandwiches," he lamented; now fully realizing the pain of not having a woman around the apartment he didn't pay rent for.

She ran her dainty hands all over his hairy back as they locked themselves in another kiss. The smell of dirt and sweat clung to him like a liberal to their precious constitution. Like a child with a new toy, he too let his hands explore her body, his cracked and ragged fingernails leaving small cuts for his dirty fingers to run over.

The two made sweet, consensual, missionary-style love that night on the rooftop. Republican Princess did not orgasm, for Rorschach bursted seconds into the act, years of repression and never masturbating finally catching up to him. Yet this pleased her more than anything: women, after all, were not supposed to reach climax. Only dirty liberal women did that.

"Can I ever see you again?" she asked, taking in his scent as they lay together.

"More beans?" he asked hopefully.

"I'm afraid that was my last can," she said tearfully.

"Hurm..." Rorschach said thoughtfully, rubbing his stubbly chin in thought. "Not interested. Goodbye."

He began to dress himself, feeling the shame of what he'd done wash over him. He had let himself become overwhelmed with lust over a plaid-eyed, sexy conservative woman. Women are seductive, and he let himself be seduced. He ignored her whimpering in the background.

"B-but...But Rorschach! You can't leave me! I'm having your baby!"

Rorschach turned around, stunned. There in her arms was a small child, which had his red hair but her marvelous bone structure. Suddenly, he was overwhelmed with joy.

"Am Father. So happy," he grunted, reaching out for the bundle of joy. The child reached for his fingers and broke them. Then, he spoke his first word, which was: 'beans.' Republican Princess and Rorschach laughed together. He was just like them in every important way.

The End.

Epilogue...

Rorschach's journal, September 21st, 1985

Came to senses. Dropped woman and hell-spawn down elevator shaft. Regret nothing except shame, and burning sensation while urinating.

Dear Rorschach fangirls: Read the comic before deciding that Rorschach should be the subject of all of your late-night fantasies. Seriously. Rorschach is not capable of loving anyone, much less having sex with them. He is not gay. He is not straight. He is a dirty, smelly hobo with psychiatric problems that thinks all women are whores. No, he will never like your OC no matter how tragic of a past she has, how conservative she is, or how often she was raped in her past. He will break her fingers, call her a whore, and punch her in the baby maker.

Ok, maybe not that last one...but you get the idea. Now stfu!