Jasper Hale and the Elevator of Doom!

Author's Note: I do not own Twilight. This was my cousin's idea, and we wrote it together. Enjoy!!

JPOV, for the whole story.

I knew it was a bad idea to go shopping today.

Alice, as usual, had dragged me to accompany her on one of her all-day shopping sprees at the largest, 20-story mall in Washington. I love my wife dearly, of course, but must she go shopping every single day??

*WHAP! * Well, that answered my question.

"JASPER JASPER JASPER JASPER!" she squealed, clutching my arm and hopping up and down in excitement. Instantly in this wave of my wife's excitement I felt better.

"OHMYGOSHJASPERYOULOOKFABBEAUTYSALONISGIVINGAWAY FREEMAKEROVERS!" she screamed.

What?

* * *

I looked up, horror in my eyes. Not again. "I'm sorry, dear, where?"

Alice shrieked and pointed, and suddenly I felt my cold, dead vampire heart become even colder and deader than before.

My wife was pointing at the frilliest, most feminine, pinkest, girliest, womanliest, least manly place I had ever set my 100+ year old eyes on.

The store was in horrifying shades of pink so bright, so gaudy, and so feminine it nearly blinded me. On top of that, YOU LOOK FAB! was in big pink diamond-encrusted letters on top of the place. I furiously wished that I could have fainted like a human to escape the treachery that awaited me, but alas, it was not to be.

I numbly attempted to conceal my horror, and mumbled something subtle, but firm and clear in my wishes, something very intelligent and masculine, like "But wifey…"

Suddenly, Wifey's bright, beautiful, hyper eyes became those of the devil. Oh, dear. I felt the emotion in her tone down a little, and I relaxed. I summoned all my powers of Emotion Control to vanquish all her passion. I turned my persuasive voice on.

"Alice, dear, let's go and calm down and step AWAY FROM THE BEAUTY SALON…"

Alice, evidently seeing what I was doing, suddenly shot back with so much emotion and hyper-excitement, it left me momentarily speechless.

Then she turned her persuasive voice on. "But Jazzy-wazzy," she whined. Her gorgeous lips were in a pout. Oh, no. I've been through this before, every day when she attempted to take me shopping. She was melting away at my last defense.

"But they're having a makeover and I NEED TO GO SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I fought back with all my might. "But Ally-wally…" I wailed, all my manly abilities fading.

She hugged me and I suddenly felt strangely better. "I knew you wouldn't make me sad, Jazzy-wazzy," she cooed into my ear.

I mumbled and squirmed, trying to keep my eyes as far away as possible from the appalling pink femininity of YOU LOOK FAB! But she dragged me, kicking and screaming, past all the human smells-how could she do such a thing!- and into the store.

DUN DUN DUNNN……And into the beauty salon he goes! Will he be horribly teased? [Just think. Beauty salon + Jasper + Emmett.] Will he ever escape Alice? Review to find out!! :]