I need to write something funny. So deal with it. In this, Bella is a vampire-but no Nessie cuz I don't want to complicate things.

I don't own anything.

Playlist:

Rescue Me-Aretha Franklin

Sanitarium-Metalica

Chapter 1--No Way

BPOV

"What?! Why do I have to be Emmett's sister?!" I nearly yelled. We were just starting at a new school in the northern part of Maine and I was stuck with posing as Emmett's sister. This can't be good.

"Because you and Emmett look the most alike," Esme explained calmly.

"Stupid hair, stupid eyes, stupid pale skin," I muttered to myself.

"Bella! You're going to be like my real sister now!" Emmett said excitedly as we exited the planed. No, no, no!

"Yay," I said sarcastically, but Emmett didn't seem to notice.

"This is going to be so much fun. I'm going to teach you how to be a real vampire," he said grinning wildly at me. I looked desperately at Edward but he just shook his head helplessly. No one can fix Emmett when he gets like this. Trust me, we've tried. A lot.

"And how exactly is that going to work?" I asked. I thought I was already a real vampire.

"Well, you have to do something awesome," he explained.

"Something awesome?" I asked with raised eyebrows as we walked toward the luggage thing.

"Yeah. Watch this," he said as he walked over to Alice. "Hey Alice," he said easily.

"Hey Em," she said.

She put a hand on his arm and he jumped back screaming, "OW! OW! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO DO THAT?!" He pretended to cry and people who were passing by started to glare at Alice while she looked desperately around for some answer as to why Emmett lost his sanity.

He stopped and walked back over to me with a smile on his face. "See? How awesome was that?" he asked, sounding completely satisfied with himself.

"Yeah Emmett. That was wicked awesome," I said rolling my eyes.

………………………………................................................................................................

When we pulled into the parking lot of our new school all eyes zeroed in on us. Of course. Edward squeezed my hand comfortingly as we walked towards the office. "Stupid humans," I muttered.

"I hear ya," Rosalie said with a nod.

"Hello, we need to pick up our new schedules," Edward said, smiling to the slightly dazed secretary. I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Names please?" she said.

"Edward and Alice Cullen, Rosalie and Jasper Hale, Emmett and Bella McCarty," he told her. I groaned inwardly. Great. No turning back now.

"Here are your schedules," she said, handing us all our separate times tables. We all stopped outside the doorway to look at our classed.

"Let me see your schedule," Emmett said, snatching it out of my hands. He suddenly gasped.

"What?" I asked.

He looked up at me with a wide grin on his face. "We have all our classes together!" he said excitedly. He was practically bouncing up and down as my eyes bugged out of my head.

"Let me see," I said snatching both mine and his schedules. I looked at the schedules and clutched my head with one hand.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked instantly.

"Room's spinning. World's ending. I have the same schedule as Emmett," I said.

"Let me check," he said grabbing our schedules. "At least we have English and A.P. Chemistry together," he said, giving me a sympathetic smile.

"How can that even be possible? Isn't Emmett supposed to be older than me?" I asked, desperate to find a mistake in this-don't get me wrong-I love Emmett but really…

"You're posing as twins," Edward told me.

"Holy God," I muttered.

"Good luck Bella," Rose said with a laugh as she and Jasper headed towards their first class.

"Yeah, you'll need it," Alice said with a grin as she walked away.

I clutched Edward's arm. "You can't leave me with that," I said throwing a pointed glance at Emmett who was trying to lick his elbow.

"Sorry Love," Edward said with a chuckle before giving me a quick kiss and heading to his first class.

"Ready to go little sis?" Emmett asked enthusiastically.

"No," I said.

"Great!" he said before grabbing my hand and dragging me towards math.

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"I'm bored," Emmett whispered to me as we sat at our lab tables, two minutes into Math class.

"Wow. That's depressing," I whispered back, rolling my eyes.

I saw Emmett grin out of the corner of my eye as he raised his hand. "Yes Mr. McCarty," the teacher said.

"I can say the alphabet really fast, wanna hear?" Emmett asked. The class snickered and I covered my face with my hands.

"I don't think that would-"

"ARH!" Emmett screeched loudly, the staccato sound making my highly sensitive eyes ring. "Did you hear it?" Emmett asked.

"You just yelled," a boy at the front of the class said, rolling his eyes.

"No I didn't. Now listen carefully," Emmett slowly, like he was talking to a four year old. "ARH!" he screeched again.

"Mr. McCarty, I'm going to have to ask you to wait until you are out of my class to do that," the teacher demanded sternly.

"Sorry," Emmett said with a cheeky smile. I groaned. This can't be happening to me…

………………………………................................................................................................

"I don't really like that teacher," Emmett said decisively as we walked to our next class.

"I don't think she liked you either," I said wryly.

"Well then, how rude of her; she doesn't even know me," he said, sounding truly aghast. I just rolled my eyes. "Want to do something fun next hour?" he asked me, grinning madly.

"It depends," I said, narrowing my eyes suspiciously.

"On what?" he asked.

"Does this involve fire, sharp objects, reptiles, or crayons in any way, shape, or form?" I asked.

"Damn," he muttered quietly. I snickered. "Fine, I have a new plan that doesn't involve any of that," he said as we walked into American History.

"And that would be…?" I asked.

"Just follow my lead," he said as he slid into the desk next to me.

"Hello class, I understand we have some new students today…Emmett and Isabella McCarty," the teacher said, scanning the room for unfamiliar faces. Her eyes landed on Emmett and I and she smiled. "Please stand up and introduce yourselves," she said.

Emmett jumped up immediately, nearly knocking over his desk as I stood up slowly behind him. "Please, tell us something about yourselves," she said.

"Um, I'm Bella and zebras are cool," I said slowly. The class snickered and I looked at Emmett expectantly.

"I'm Emmett!" he yelled loudly.

"Please refrain from yelling in this class Mr. McCarty," the teacher said disapprovingly.

"What?!" he yelled.

"Mr. McCarty, I will not ask you again. Please do not shout in this class," she said.

"Ah! The monkey stole my bananas! The monkey stole my bananas!" he yelled as he spun around and wildly flailed his arms around as the class burst out laughing. "Bella help!" he yelled at me.

"Oh shit," I swore quietly. "Look a monkey!" I yelled, pointing to the corner of the room.

Emmett shrieked and dove under my desk, clutching my leg for dear life. "Quiet!" the teacher roared. "Emmett. Bella. Principal's office now!" she boomed.

"Okay," I sighed. I looked down at Emmett who winked at me. "I'm not sure I can get Emmett to go though," I told her. "He has issues," I whispered.

"Clearly," she said, her eyes still blazing.

Emmett let go of my leg and curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking slowly back and forth. "Don't let the squirrel touch my nuts. Don't let the squirrel touch my nuts," he repeated over and over again as the class stared at him like he was insane.

"Come on Emmett, it's okay," I cooed like I was talking to a small child. "The squirrel won't hurt you," I said in the most serious tone I could muster.

"But he's friends with the monkey!" Emmett whisper yelled back.

"No look," I said, pulling a purple ruler out of my back pack. "Remember this?" I asked, waving the ruler at him and hoping he'd come up with something on his own. He did.

"My wand! You found it! I though Esme through it away after I tried to shove it down Jasper's throat," he said, jumping up and snatching it out of my hand while everyone looked at us like we were both nuts.

"Okay, now let's go see the principal," I said slowly.

His eyes grew wide as he faked being scared. "But I don't want to go. You remember what the last one did to me when we were alone," he whispered-but loud enough so everyone heard. Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into…

"It's okay, I'll be with you the hold time," I said taking his arm and guiding him towards the door. "I'm sorry, I think he forgot to take his medication this morning," I said apologetically to the teacher who was staring at us completely flabbergasted.

"It's okay dear, just go calm him down," she said pityingly. Yep, I feel bad for me too.

Suddenly Emmett whirled around and pointed the ruler/wand directly into a blond boy's face. "Emmett, what are you doing?" I asked.

"He's in cahoots with the monkey," he muttered in a deadly voice.

"No he's not. He's never even met the monkey," I said soothingly.

"Are you sure?" Emmett asked me. I had to admit, I felt bad for the boy who had a ruler directed at his face. He looked like he was about to crap his pants.

"I'm positive," I said slowly.

I lead Emmett outside the door and when it clicked behind us we both looked at each other and burst out laughing. "You were brilliant!" he exclaimed, picking me up and twirling me around.

"So were you. That was actually kind of fun," I admitted, surprised at myself.

Emmett grinned wickedly. "Then you'll have a blast in biology," he said. Maybe I shouldn't have said that…

What did you think?? I can continue with their day if you want?? I get bored and I start writing random stuff when I have writer's block. REVIEW and make my horrible day a little bit better.