In The Bitterness

Megumi braced herself and took a deep breath. This was going to be a battle of epic proportions. If there was on thing in the world Sano ever was, it was stubborn. He was also proud. The two together, did not make a good mix when it came to talking some sense into him.

"Sano, we need to talk."

"Huh?" He mumbled blearily. He was what he would have called 'artfully rumpled', dressed in his work clothes, which were a pair of ripped jeans and a faded band t-shirt. As a well to do DJ, Sano said he didn't need to dress very formally, Megumi called him a slob.

"Meg, I just came back from an all nighter at the club, whatever the hell I did can it wait till morning?" He grumbled, already turning away to make his way to the shower and the hopefully on to bed.

"No. Sit your ass down. We are Going to Talk." Megumi reached out and grasped his arm. It was a ditch effort to keep him there.

When it came down to it Sano was infinitely stronger than herself. He was taller, broader and built like a brick house, but he would never in his life use that strength against her. He would have rather died than ever raise a hand against a woman. Megumi knew this without a doubt. So she was sure that he, at the very least would have to stay long enough to whine her into releasing him.

Under her index finger Megumi could feel a cluster of puckers on the skin of Sano's arm, right in the crook of his elbow. The doctor in her was appalled. The lover in her wept.

It firmed her resolve.

"Talk. Now."

Step one, you say we need to talk,

He walks, you say sit down its just to talk

"At least you made an effort Kaoru" Kenshin smiled, his eyes crinkling with soft humor.

Kaoru knew she was not the best chef in the world, but it still upset her that she could never produce anything that tasted good no matter how much effort she put in. Yes, the soup and chicken tasted ok and was unlikely to cause spontaneous combustion, but for the effort she put in, she was hoping for something more…elegant.

"Aaa." She sighed, playing with the bit of chicken still resting on her plate. Food aside, she found that her appetite had taken a long holiday off to regents unknown and left her with absolutely no desire to eat.

Was he always like this? This distant? She didn't remember him like this.

"Its ok, just needed a bit more salt and coriander. If you like I could give you an easy recipe?" Kenshin continued, taking bites of the chicken the same way one took a dose of medicine, slowly and with little chewing.

She could feel the question burning a hole in the pit of her stomach, heavy like the somewhat over-yet-under cooked chicken. She knew if she didn't ask it, she was end up throwing up the meager contents of her guts.

It happened twice before.

"Kenshin," She asked, nearly chocking on the word itself.

"humm?" He looked up from his various observations about the texture of the soup with that soft glazed look that she fell for in the first place.

"H-how did your trip with Sano go?"

There was a split second, an instant where she would have sworn that his eyes widened. Did he guess? What would he do if he knew that she'd figured it out? What was there to say?

That moment passed, and the small polite smile of his slid confidently into place. It was the very same smile of his that used to make her think of sunshine and bunnies.

"It was fun. He said we should do it again."

Somewhere upstairs, in a room she couldn't enter, behind a door she couldn't open, a baby cried.

Kaoru hated that smile.

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

His office was tastefully opulent, with antique leather chairs and dark wood paneling and a very large window that gave a spectacular view which gave a Lawyers office that extra bit of sophistication. It also screamed 'I made lots of money and I can make you some too', but that too was a pre-requisite of the industry.

"What are you doing here?"

Those were not the words she had expected to hear from his lips. Perhaps 'Oh, I was

waiting for you' or 'oh you're looking nice today' but not 'what are you doing here'.

Things were not looking well.

"Err, Aoshi you promised that we would go out for dinner tonight. Just the two of us because you've been busy lately." When Aoshi had that little crinkle of stress between his brows it never meant well.

Misao had spent all day getting ready. She had the perfect dress picked out, the right shoes even bothered to set her hair into an elegant bun. It took hours but for her Aoshi it was nothing.

He frowned.

"I do not recall doing so." He reached over to the coat stand behind his desk. "I'm sorry Misao, I have a pressing dinner tonight, it's a business thing. We will have to re-schedule for another time."

He slid his hands into the jacket and patted down any imaginary wrinkles on the crisply ironed cloth.

He should have been worrying about the heart that he was shattering.

"A-another time?"

"Yes," Aoshi nodded absently while confirming that he had his wallet and two hand phones with him. "Speak to Jullie about a suitable time and I will se what I can do."

"B-but."

"Misao, I really don't have time for this right now. I'll speak to you later." Aoshi strode pressed the intercom on his table and a bright cheerful voice answered.

"Yes Mr. Shinimori?"

"Have Anita send the Vishous case file documents to the car, I want to have a look at it before I leave." Aoshi's eyes flickered towards Misao's for a moment before he continued, "Also please arrange transport for Ms Mikamichi to head home and re-schedule her in for a dinner if you will."

"Very well Mr Shinimori." Jullie answered crisply.

Aoshi straightened up and walked briskly out of the two large Mahogany doors that marked his office without a glance backwards, his head already mentally going through the folder waiting for him in the car.

Misao stood there for a full minute in absolute, silent, shock.

Again. He did it again. This was the fourth time in a row that she was 're-scheduled'. For all the times that she stood by him, for all the years that they had been together, didn't she disserve some acknowledgement, on today of all days.

Today was her 25th birthday. And Aoshi didn't even acknowledge that she existed, let alone wish her anything. Her mother was 25 years old when she died giving birth to Misao. Today was one of the few days in the year that were truly sacred to her. And Aoshi knew that.

Now at 25 just as her mother was, what did Misao have to show for her life?

A big, expensive, empty office with a spectacular view.

There was the light sound of tapping and then the tenor of Jullie's voice. "Ms Mikamichi, your transport has arrived. Mr Shinimori is free on the 23ed of next month from 9.30pm. Would this be alright for you?"

Misao was so angry that her body shook with fine tremors. It hurt. It burned like hell on fire when you knew without a doubt that the man you loved felt nothing but obligation for you. She was so tired of being second best to anything and everything in his world. She was tired of waiting up at night for a man who was more likely than not sleeping at the desk of his office.

She was so fucking tired

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left, you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

"I know Kenshin." They were the hardest words to force out of her mouth, but Kaoru shoved them out with the focus that she usually put towards her Kendo.

Kenshin's eyes flashed for a moment flickering towards something darker than its usual soft violet before settling back to its usual light.

"What do you know Kaoru-dono?"

Kaoru released an ugly chuckle that shook her shoulders as it escaped her throat. "You are going to make me say it arn't you Kenshin." Kaoru took a deep breath.

"I know that you did not go out with Sano for your trip."

"I know you met her at the hospital after my accident."

"I know that her name is Tomoe and you have been seeing her for months now."

"I know that she is a qualified pharmacist."

"I know that you are having an affair with a woman who is as close as god ever came to fucking perfection."

"Is that enough for you?"

Kenshin had his head bowed, with his bangs shading his eyes.

His silence was the final straw.

At that very moment, Kaoru begged every deity out there to remove her heart at this instant. He fervently wished that they would come down and remove the organ so that she cold no longer feel this level of pain, so that she could never feel this kind of stabbing agony in her soul.

"W-w…What do you have to say to this Kenshin?"

There was a moment of absolute silence.

"What else is there to say Kaoru-dono?"

The baby's wails grew louder in her ears.

Let him know that you know best

Because after all, you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

"So you want me to quit my job so that I can stay home and play house with you?"

He always knew the perfect thing to say to shatter her, even his tone dripped with pure disgust.

"Play house? Is that what you think I sit here and do all day? All I ask is for a little time. One conversation a day. That's it. It's not too much for you to try and do!"

He shook his head and ran a hand through his perfectly cut hair. "I am this close to being made partner Misao. This close." He put about and inch between his thumb and his forefinger to prove his point. "I don't have time for distractions or whatever the hell else you want me to do!"

"A DISTRATION! Is that what you think I am!" She stood up, still much shorter than him, but it made her feel better. "You forget my birthday, you ignore me, you insult me and you think I do this for FUN? Do you think I stand by you for all these years just so that you have an easy date for all of your Stupid, BORING dinners with the partners?"

"I apologized for that! I'm just saying that right now I am busy. I cant just hang out like we used to! Just because you have time to frolic around the world doing your god damned sketches doesn't mean the rest of us have that leisure."

"Oh Yes, I got that apology. Tell Jullie thanks for the flowers by the way, she has very nice handwriting. This is what I comes down to right Aoshi? You think that just because I am not some high and mighty lawyer from some snot nosed firm, I automatically have all the time in the universe and should bow and scrape at your greatness. Well, Fuck you! I am not your doormat."

"Really? Could have fooled me." Aoshi's eyes were hard, they had the glint that he usually took on when he was facing down an opponent that he viewed below his standard in the court room.

Misao suddenly felt sick to her stomach. He'd never looked that way at her before.

"Who the hell are you?" she took a step back from Aoshi intimidating form. "Who the HELL are you?"

Aoshi shook his head and threw his arms into the air. "You know what, fuck this. I have things I need to do in the office that are more important than standing here listening to you bitch about god knows what. Next time you decide to PMS, take a pill or something, if not just leave. I don't have the energy or the tolerance to put up with his anymore."

He turned briskly around and strode his way out of their bedroom.

Misao's world was still reeling. The floor shook the walls spun and her stomach was tying itself into knots.

She didn't know him anymore.

The Aoshi she knew was quiet, reserved and but eloquent when he chose to be.

He was not harsh, cruel and bitter. He was not a monster. She was living with a monster.

All her life, the one thing she prized was her freedom. She was an artist free to sketch, say or do whatever she chose to do. Her freedom was her life.

And he nearly threatened to kill it.

He nearly threatened to kill her.

As the thought sank in, she found her body moving. Arms and legs pulling her things together with a speed that her brain could not compute.

She was living with a monster, and she didn't want to anymore.

He had asked her to leave, so the only option was to leave.

Lay down a list of what is wrong

Things you've told him all along

And pray to god he hears you

And pray to god he hears you

"This has to stop Sano." Megumi tugged at his arm and stared at the tiny red dots that marked the use of a hypodermic needle. "This is not recreational use anymore! Using Meth is no joke shooting up Heroin is FUCKING murder! I don't need to tell you how stupid this is!"

He forcefully tugged away his arm and looked away. "Come on, give me a break. I only took one shot. Its part of the business, its stupid hectic and I need to be a live wire 24/7 to do well. It gives me an edge when I'm mixing my music and I only take it when I'm performing. I'm not a junkie, I can quit wherever I want. So what the fuck more do you want?!"

"ONE SHOT?" Megumi tugged out a thin Ziploc bag form her purse and flashed it to Sano's face. The bag was half filled with a smooth white powder. "What the FUCK is this Sano. You keeping your stash at home now? This is way more than one shot. You have enough Heroin here to OD yourself to hell and back.

Sano's eyes widened at the sight of the packet and reached out to grasp it. Megumi deftly put it out of his reach.

"Sano, I have stood quietly and watched you do a lot of stupid things in your life. I didn't mind the weed, or the alcohol or the fact that you have women's underwear thrown at you on a daily basis. But this," Megumi pointed to the bag again, "this is way over the line."

"I told you before, that whatever you had to do at work, stupid as it was, stayed at work. But you are killing yourself here and I….I will have no part in it."

"That stash is not mine, ok? I'm holding it for Katsu, he's meant to pick it up today."

"Don't bloody bullshit with me Sano. Who the Fuck do you think told me about all this? Katzu is worried about you, all of them are. You are taking way too much, way too fast and way to often. Those were his words not mine." Megumi threw the packet to the floor and stomped on it for good measure.

Sano's body twitched with desire to move but some godly force of will stopped him. Any move now would only ignite her further.

"Fucking hell Meg! What do you want then? You want me to apologize, then fuck it, I apologize." Sano rarely raised his voice, but when he did it always nearly scared Megumi.

Megumi took a deep fortifying breath. Sano was hard headed, but he was a man driven by ultimatums. It was always either or for him, coddling him would get nobody nowhere. The best way to get a result from him was to make the decision a clear and simple one.

When she was sure her voice was once again its even self, she gave him her terms.

"I am leaving. I am going to walk out of this door and walk out of your life until you decide that I am something that you want with you. So long as you are on any kind of drug, I don't want you near me, I don't want you to see me and I definitely don't want to speak to you."

Megumi swallowed back what could only have been tears. "If you want us, call me. But so long as once grain of that powder is in this house or in you, I will not be here."

Sano's jaw dropped. He didn't expect this. Megumi stood by him for so long, put up with so much that he was certain that she must have been joking. There was no way their relationship was ending just because of some stupid habit.

Megumi put on her handbag, straightened her back and took slow purposeful steps out of the apartment.

"Meg-" Sano reached out an arm towards her.

"Don't! Not till you sort yourself out. I couldn't live with myself I let you touch me right now." Megumi didn't even look at him, she knew that she wouldn't have been able t to take it. She quickened her steps and thrust open the front door and slammed it shut behind her.

From behind the door Sano let out a roar of pure fury and the sound of shattered glass echoed down the hallway as he released his anger on what breakable furniture he had.

Megumi leaned against the dark wood of the door and finally let the let go of the tightness in her chest she had been carrying for weeks.

The tears that came felt as vile as she did right now.

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed.

He admitted to it. He admitted to everything.

He admitted his nervousness about her pregnancy. He admitted that when he found out about the stillborn, a small part of him was glad. He admitted to meeting Tomoe when he sat in the visitor waiting room, blank eyed confused and hurting, she felt like a clean slate to start with.

He admitted to avoiding Kaoru's grief because it was simply easier to pretend that it never happened. It was easier to be a whole other person with Tomoe than to face the fact that he had a broken wife and the memory of a stillborn son haunting him at home.

It was simply easier to run away.

Tomoe was the perfect place to run to.

He admitted that he thought they were not the same anymore. He admitted that he no longer recognized Kaoru as she was now and he said that he was no longer the same either.

After all that, he had calmly picked himself up and offered to move out.

Kaoru might have nodded, she might not have, she didn't remember. All she could hear was the wailing cries of her son calling for her. And she felt a sharp ache within her to go to her Kenji.

Either way, Kenshin packed up his clothes and promised to return to pick up whatever he had left behind, apologized for leaving, and then walked out the door.

Kaoru sat there for what felt like years. She sat there and let the ringing wails of her son call to her. She thought about everything. She thought about everyone. She thought it was best to go to Kenji, to go to her cold and lonely child calling to her from beyond here and now.

It was easy to walk to the bathroom. It was easy to slip out of her clothes, where she was going she didn't need them. She easily turned out the hot water as far as it went. She knew from experience that it needed to be positively scalding for it to work. She brushed her fingers against the long lean scars on her arms and reached over to the medicine cabinet.

Kenshin had never asked her about those scars. He assumed that they happened during the car accident that robbed her of her parents at the tender age of 16. In a way it was true, but those scars came some time after the accident itself. In a bathroom much like this one, with a blade much like his one.

Why was she here again?

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

You begin to wonder why you came

Megumi sat in her beat up car and pressed down on the accelerator. She had to get away from him. It was so very tempting to slide into his knowing arms and pretend that he didn't have a problem. It was so easy to lean on him and trust Sano to make the world go away. He was very skilled at doing that for her.

Because of that, she had to get as physically far away from him as possible.

It was a downward spiral. So long as he thought he was fine, so long as everything went well for him, Sano wouldn't do a thing to save himself. He was the kind of man who would stand in front of a bullet for someone else but never would move out of the way of a bullet aimed for himself.

Which is why Megumi knew her presence with him would do him no good.

She had to leave, to save his life.

Megumi floored down the accelerator and shot of towards a destination that popped up into her mind. A house with a friend that had her own share of demons to fight.

Perhaps now would be a good a time visit as any.

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Then I'd know how to save a life.

It should not be possible to pack five years worth of memories into two small bags. It should be illegal for a person to be able to do that without being shot dead by some loving deity.

But as not lightning bolt approached from the cloudless sky, Misao hailed a bright yellow cab and forced her reeling mind into some sort of action. She was leaving his home, yes, but now that she had, where would she go? She had no real relatives and most of her friends were within Aoshi's sphere of influence.

Except one.

Misao had to repeat the address to the cab driver twice before he understood the bare basics of the area and shot off to take her to it. Misao knew she was still in some kind of shock. She wasn't crying or wailing or throwing herself in front of a passing truck, so it had to be shock that was holding her back.

But despite this merciful haze, she knew without a doubt that she felt little or no regret about leaving that house.

Being with him was killing her slowly. The very fact that, her once numerous, gregarious, friends dwindled to a handful of Aoshi's 'acceptable alliances' was but an example of a part of herself that died to satisfy him.

How much of her did she chip away to become something he would be proud of?

How much of herself was she killing to earn the love of a man who now didn't recognize love at all?

No, leaving him was going to be her fist step towards being whole again.

It was going to be her first steps to save her own life.

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Then I'd know how to save a life.

Kaoru frowned.

There was a noise, a sharp beeping that broke into the glorious echoes of her son cheering for her and her contemplations of the beauty of his blade.

She traced it to her discarded jeans. It was important that the purity of this moment was not tainted by anything beyond this room. She was going to grab the phone, turn it off and return to her ceremony.

She reached into the pocket of her jeans and tugged out her slim handphone with annoyance. She knew that Kenshin wouldn't be calling. His ring tone was different and he was probably too busy fucking his floozy off in some cheap motel somewhere to be bothered to check up on her.

But even so, it was always safer to check.

Kaoru pressed the green button and placed the phone to her ear and waited for whoever it was to speak so that she could decide if she wanted to slam it down or not.

"K-kaoru? Is that y-you" There was a sniff at the end of the sentence, as though the speaker was either having a cold or crying.

In her head, her son's cries faded that bit away.

"Yes, who is this?"

There was a sigh of relief followed by another sob, "T-this is Misao."

Kenji went silent as the sounds of another's cries echoed instead.

Perhaps she still had something to do here. She still had those who needed her to be their rock. She still had a reason to live her life after all.

Kaoru reached over and turned off the tap.

Where did I go wrong?

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Then I'd know how to save a life.

Kaoru opened her front door just in time to see the yellow cab drive away and watch another tiny blue Daihatsu pull up into her parking lot.

Misao stood in the driveway, a bag in each hand with red rimmed eyes. They both watched Megumi get out of her tiny car with mouths agape. Megumi looked like she had just been groped by a ghost. Sano, her frequent shadow was very obviously not with her, and the red puffy look of her face showed that he might not be coming anytime soon.

Misao sniffed and then chuckled and then seemed to burst into hysterias.

Megumi cleared her throat, "I take it, we've all got issues this evening?"

Misao fell to her knees on the damp grass and seemed to be caught between laughing herself silly and crying her eyes out.

Megumi was the first to get to her, Kaoru a close second. Both women found themselves in a cradle of arms and bodies, tears and heartache.

It felt right.

Perhaps this was the way to save a life.