Epilogue: Blair

"It's like, chasing shadows
I never seem to win
Just when I'm over you
I feel myself falling again
No hope of grace,
I'm loosing faith
All I can do is pray…

Can you hear me
Can you hear me, oh...
Can you hear me

'Cause it feels like the weight of the world
Have the angels turned their back on me
It feels like the weight of the world
Can't let go of what we used to be
And though my cries have gone unheard and I'm left on my knees
It feels like the weight of the world
'Cause I still remember how it felt
When you loved me… when you loved me, oh..."
Lemar, 'Weight of the World'

I open my eyes wide for the first time and find myself looking across the city; watching the empire that could have been mine; the kingdom that should have been. Something in the corner of my eyes catches my attention and I turn to find the date staring back at me.

3.8.2018

"Three words, eight letters. Say it and I'm yours."

The words ring in my ears: low and sultry, demanding.

My breath catches in my throat and I know I'm starting to hyperventilate; but it's been so long, so long since I last heard his voice. Too long.

I can taste him on my tongue, feel his lips against mine.

He had kissed me, that last time. It was compelling, but gentle: like if he let go we'd float away, like our only ties to the world were those of one another. It was full of a thousand words that would never be said.

His last words.

"I love you, Waldorf."

At eighteen years of age.

"Don't you forget that, Blair. Don't you damn well forget."

And then he was gone.

-

My cheeks feel wet and my hands are shaking, and I look up to see those familiar eyes of old staring back at me; find myself staring into the wide ocean.

She's by my side in an instant, taking me in her arms, and as much as I want to fight it, I can't; I don't.

And we stay like that, just holding one another.

It feels like redemption.

-

I almost laugh when I look up to see a hand held out towards me, offering; because his eyes are so light I feel like I should be able to see through them, but I can't, and it's ironic really. I can't read him, not at this moment anyway; but Nate Archibald does not use drink as a way of coping, does not advise others too either.

I guess he left us all a little something.

I guess we all adopted something in his honor.

I guess he helped us remember: as if we could ever forget.

-

I take the drink and gift him a shaky smile in gratitude as I feel the cool glass tingle against my lips; my fingers trembling as I hold it between delicate fingers.

The alcohol burns my throat, numbs my insides.

It dulls what has become of our reality; a reality that tells us we are not what we were, and never will be again. We are not the Non-Judging Breakfast Club anymore.

The realization has been long coming, but it doesn't hit me like the tidal wave I maybe should have been expecting. Instead, it's water rising, and it's fitting really that I might eventually drown in it, because it's been lapping at my feet for some time now; nearly ten years, a long time coming.

I'm shivering, and it's not from the cold.

The fair-haired couple is split between me; my counterpart left to circle around us.

We rise as one, and each raise a glass towards the Heavens, towards the open sky; the world that extended outside our reach.

He always did have the ability to come and go wherever and whenever he felt like it.

He lived a life others could only dream of; a life untouched by anything but us.

We were his only real connection with the rest of the world.

We still are.

-

Surviving is hardest of all, I think to myself; and then cast a final glance back at the dark marble monument standing tall and proud before us all, spreading its shadow across us, and stretching beyond.

I know, Chuck, I murmur the words to the wind, to the world, to his ears. I can still feel you; can still hear you. I know you're still here with me.

And I still love you; I tell him, conviction and remembrance lacing my words as a smile curves my lips and I walk back into the world with my best friends by my sides and an everlasting promise leading the way.

"And tell me I am to believe that you and I should never be again
I'm drowning
When the one you leave is the one thing you believe
You say goodbye when underneath's your one belief
That love rules all, conquers all

It's funny how the times that seem unbearable
Are the ones that you don't ever want to end
And when your childhood slips away
You find you face a brand new day
And you know it can't be the same again

'Cause when you left you stayed in my memory
I'm saying goodbye for now and have a drink for us
And good luck in finding your way."
Missy Higgins, 'Drowning'

The End.

Ok, in case anyone is still confused :)
Basically, for some reason (unbeknowest to everyone, including me) there weren't enough lifejackets, so when the plane crashed into the water (there was a malfunction of some kind during a storm) Chuck gave one to Nate, then they got Serena into one, and he gave the last one to Blair.
Serena was still quite drunk, and Blair was the strongest swimmer, besides Nate, so he knew that to save Serena they would both need the lifejackets.
First of all, he sacrificed his means of survival (lifejacket) by giving it to Blair, and then he sacrificed himself to save Serena; her best friend, and Nate's 'first love' or w/e ;)
He knew they wouldn't all survive w/t lifejackets and he made the decision for that to be him. He also knew that he would only hold them back if he went with them w/t one, so he didn't go with them, and when he pushed Blair out the 'hatch'/'exit' he stayed, and presumably drowned, but his body is still missing.

That clear things up?
I think it was a little hazy in my mind even as I wrote it, so sorry if it's still confusing!

I hope you liked this little fic :)

Thanks for reading, reviewing, favouriting and alerting!
Please let me know what you thought of this part (and/or the rest ;) ) – it really means so much to me! :)
Steph
xxx