Damsel in Distress

Based on: Asterix series

Creators: René Goscinny & Albert Uderzo

Panacea leaned lazily against the big oak tree, looking around at the little blue flowers fluttering around her in the summer wind. A white butterfly landed on one of them, waving its wings and settling down for a leisurely drink of nectar – for all the world like a Gaulish warrior enjoying a mug of cervisia. She smiled. A sunny day, a basketful of plump mushrooms and nothing more to do...could the day get any better than this?

Clang.

"Shh!"

Rustle.

"Stop shoving, by Jupiter!"

Panacea leaped to her feet, her heart pounding. A Roman patrol! Since when did they come this close to the village? Should she run, or call for help, or...

Before her racing brain could decide, she found herself suddenly surrounded by five armored men in green uniforms, leveling their very sharp spears at her and smirking wide enough to split their faces. The tallest and strongest of them stepped forward; he had a nose thin and sharp enough to cut cloth. His narrow black eyes glinted like a wildcat's as he looked her up and down.

"Well, well, lads. What do we have here?" he purred. "A little lost lamb."

Panacea met his eyes head-on. I have nothing to fear, she told herself, Except the sky falling on my head.

"Good morning, gentlemen," she said, flipping back her hair with all the bravado she could muster. "Or should that be Ave?"

"Hmm. Pretty and spirited," said the captain. "I was looking for a gift for Caesar, but I've got half a mind to keep her at Aquarium and share her instead. What do you think?"

"You said it, captain!"

"Excellent idea, by Venus!"

The soldiers were positively drooling. The captain took a step closer and circled her; she had to keep turning to face him.

"What do you say, honey?" he said finally. "If you're nice to us, we'll be nice to you."

Panacea repressed a shudder of disgust as his smell of sour wine and garlic reached her. However, instead of showing what she thought, she lifted her head and smiled.

"Oh, I understand. You boys want to play with me, is that it?"

She pulled a red ribbon from her pocket and reached up to tie back her long, shining waves of golden hair, drawing attention to the flawless symmetry of her face and the tight fit of her blouse.

"Oh, yes!" The captain's eyes glazed over. "Smart girl."

Panacea smiled sweetly, batted her eyelashes, reached for her belt...

...and took a swig from the little round flask she carried.

"Let's play!" she called, leaping high into the air, her eyes ablaze like two burning coals as the fire of her tribe's magic potion whipped through her. The Romans, realizing their mistake, turned pale as ash and threw down their spears, but before they could run, she was on them like a fox among the chickens.

She sent them flying with one blow of her tiny fist. She held them high up and slapped them silly. She pounded their heads like Fulliautomatix hammered in his forge. She knocked the helmets off their heads and carried them under one arm, fighting them one-handed. Her long white skirts billowed around her as she whirled, leaped and kicked like a human tornado. Even her ponytail was dangerous, whipping back and forth with surprising impact, blinding their vision and hitting them in the face. She tossed them one on top of the other, either unconscious or too exhausted to move, and shook her head at them like a reproving mother.

"There, you perverts. That'll teach you to not to prey on helpless girls."

And with her trophies under one arm and her basket of mushrooms in the other, she sauntered away towards the village.

Outside the clearing, she encountered an old friend, standing there with two forgotten boar carcasses at his feet and a look of wide-eyed wonder on his face. When he caught sight of her, he blushed.

"Hi, Obelix," she said, smiling. "There's some Romans over there, but I already finished them. Sorry."

"I – I know," he mumbled. "I saw you."

She glanced up at him in surprise; he wouldn't meet her eyes. "Wait – you saw me? Then why didn't you come to help?"

Obelix shuffled his feet, squirming. "Well, y'see, I just...you looked like you were having fun...Romans are like candy, you know, it's hard to share."

Now she understood, and her heart melted like warm butter even as she had to laugh. This was his idea of being gallant.

"You stayed back so I could have all the fun by myself? Aww, Obelix, that's so sweet! Thank you so much!"

On impulse, she hugged him and kissed him on the cheek – then regretted it a moment later, since he looked as dazed as if he'd been hit with one of his own menhirs. Poor Obelix – I have got to stop doing that. But how can I help it when he's just so cute?

To distract him and herself from the sudden awkwardness of the moment, she held out the five helmets she'd collected. "You can add these to your collection if you like."

He waved away her offer with both hands. "Oh, no, no. You keep them. You earned them after all. The way you ground those guys into the dust...it was beautiful."

She giggled nervously; it was a funny compliment, but the wide-eyed awe in his dark eyes gave the words a meaning that made her blush.

"My roots are showing, I guess," she commented wryly, trying not to blush. "Once an Indomitable Gaul, always an Indomitable Gaul. You'd think these Romans would know us better by now."

Obelix, smiling at the idea of 'us', tapped his head with his finger. "These Romans are crazy."

"So true. Let's go home."

They set off together in the direction of the village: a big fat redhead in blue and white striped pants carrying a wild boar under each arm, and a willowy blonde in a blue and white dress with a small basket of mushrooms and a stack of helmets. They were possibly the strangest sight ever seen on that sunny forest path.