A/N: This is disturbing and tongue-in-cheek and it involves SLASH between a person/wizard and a faun - so if you don't like it, don't read it. Don't say I didn't warn you...

Oh, but do flame me if you want. I LIKE flames, they help me warm my toes in HELL!

It was murky, and the stones all around were slick with a moisture that dribbled soundlessly down the tortured rock. Lucius Malfoy, wand erect in his hand, its tip shining wetly in the rain, his long blonde hair streaming behind him, stalked down the circular steps, pacing towards the phallic monolith before him. He had wandered through the overgrown and dripping labyrinth in a kind of dream-like wonder, forgetting all about the gay revels of the hunt. Something here, something deep and dark called to him, and he could do nothing to resist its strident lure.

But the sodden, humid darkness seemed empty to him now; perhaps it had all been his imagination after all?

He approached the dripping erection in its shallow bowl, his step predatory, and touched its oddly slippery surface with his pale, elegant hand, his fingers lingering momentarily on the carvings, carvings which writhed and shifted under his hesitant caress, and thought about leaving, but just as this crossed his mind, a voice in shadows whispered silkily,

"Oh, so you're just going to leave this poor unfortunate here?"

Lucius whirled, his robe swirling around his lean form, his wand thrust before him, its powerful light penetrating hard into the darkness.

"Who goes there?" he demanded, in a voice that was unaccountably nervy.

The sleek, velvet voice drifted over to him on black wings once more.

"Oh, my dear Lucius, I have waited far too long for you."

A few clacking, hollow steps on the slimy cobbles, and a faun materialised into the harsh glare of Lucius's wandlight. Lucius's first thought was one of Malfoy disgust at the shaggy legs, the battered hooves, the twirling overlarge horns.

Then something odd, something unbidden flowed into his mind and he found himself staring, for just a moment too long, at those legs, those hooves and – oh – those horns. He shivered involuntarily as his eyes traced their hard, intricate whorls. Suddenly the legs were no longer so shaggy; they were thick and corded with muscle, the hooves were furrowed with intricate scars, won on the battlefield, and the horns were not so overlarge as a perfect size for the faun's magnetic, majestic presence…and the ridges on them…oh…

He said – in a voice rather higher than usual – "Who – who are you?"

The creature bowed with ironic grace, his lips skinned back, exposing ivory teeth gnashing together, his spine curving awkwardly as muscles rippled in intriguing patterns across his back. Lucius stared, his heart pounding for no reason, all thoughts of danger forgotten, subsumed under the faun's presence and the dark waves of musk that washed from him.

"My name…is Pan, my lord…and I have been searching for a suitable consort to come with me into the underworld and be my…prince. My lord – that prince is you."

Lucius puffed himself up – he had always thought himself to be a bit of a prince.

"Oh," he said, his eyes running over those horns again before he could stop himself. "Are – are they all like you there?"

"Oh no," the faun replied smoothly, approaching Lucius in a series of groin-wrenching jerks and twists. "They are far more…studly."

Lucius licked suddenly dry lips, his eyes transfixed on the shaggy legs that propelled the creature towards him in powerful thrusts. Poetry in motion, to Lucius.

"S – Surely that is impossible…" he managed.

Pan laughed, a dry and hoarse croak that set Lucius's heart aflame.

"Oh my lord," he creaked. "I am old, and experienced, even by my measure of time…"

Lucius coughed to clear his throat.

"Experienced…really?" he managed, his eyes agleam.

Pan leered at him through his already narrow eyes; he was so close now that Lucius could see the tiny hairs poking through the dark curling tattoos on his face; was this faun all hair, he thought, with an inward shiver of delight.

"Oh yes," the faun whispered, his silvery eyes aglow and strangely hypnotic. "Very experienced indeed."

Lucius swallowed hard.

"Well," he murmured. "Well, I suppose I shall have to see this underworld of yours then."

Pan was so close to him now that his breath tickled Lucius's upturned face, his pearly skin beaded with the ever-present moisture, his swirling tattoos rich and full.

"Ah, my lord," he sighed. "That is where we reach a…problem."

"Problem?" Lucius whispered, only half-listening, his full, stern lips already inclining upwards to the faun's own, his mind awhirl.

"Yes, my lord," hissed Pan. "You see, normally I require the blood of an innocent to be splattered all over this great erection, this, this barrier, before you to be able to open the portal."

Lucius groaned, where was that blasted heretic Harry Potter when you needed him?

"Bugger," he said; a rather distressing choice of words.

Pan shifted closer; so close that the matted fur on his legs tickled against Lucius's robe, his horns well within caressing reach.

"Of course," he breathed, a warm zephyr which brought goosebumps to Lucius' moon-pale flesh. "There is another way."

Lucius stared up into those alien, hypnotic eyes, schooling his hands to stop twitching up to the horns.

"There…there is?" his voice was husky, rough.

"Yes. You see…" Pan moved closer, his hips now quite obviously pushing against Lucius's groin. "I did not realise just how…how alluring you would be, my lord, how much your presence would affect me. I do not normally make this kind of…offer, but for you, if you accept the penalties involved…"

"Tell me," ordered Lucius softly, his lips parted and his breath hitching.

Pan smiled thinly.

"Let's just say – you can enter my portal if I can enter yours."

The hips butted enticingly against Lucius. Lucius closed his eyes, drowned in an inexplicable, fiery pulse of lust. I should leave, he thought distractedly as a wave of Pan's musky scent boiled over him.

"Yes," he heard himself whispering instead, in a voice scratchy with sudden need. "Oh yes. I accept…my servant."

Chapter 2 coming up soon! And it's even WORSE!