Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, I'd be Stephenie Meyer. If I were Stephenie Meyer, I'd be rich and famous. If I were rich and famous… um… I don't own Twilight!!

Other Disclaimer: The concept of all Official Fanfiction Universities belongs to Camilla Sandman, also known as Miss Cam. Miss Cam is God. All hail.

And Spencer, if you are reading this (unlikely; you don't even like Twilight), please forgive me. You've got a good name.

ATTENTION: Anyone wishing to enroll in OFUT may fill out the entry form listed below in the chapter.

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Chapter One.

In Which There Is Paperwork

"jacob!!! Jacob!!1 alialiara cried. "u cannot do this1 were meant to be!!!!"

jacob sighed. "ur right, alialiara! how could i ever have luved ranezmay??? lets get married!!"

alialiara embraced him "oh jacob my only luv!!!"

"oh alialiara!!!!!" shouted jacob-

"Did you know that writing five exclamation points or more is the second sign of insanity?" said a cheerful voice.

Spencer whipped around. "The hell?"

Two tall, big men with black suits wearing sunglasses were standing in her bedroom. Between them was sandwiched a girl, short, black-haired, and grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm Alice," she said, still in that annoyingly cheerful voice. "Cullen. I've got bodyguards. They can kill you thirty-five different ways without using one of the multiple weapons they've got concealed on their persons. Please don't try to kill me. It won't even help you get Jasper."

"I like Jacob," Spencer said. It seemed like the only thing to say.

Then the girl's name hit her. "Alice? Cullen? As in Twilight?"

Alice bowed deeply. "That's me!" Her grin turned into a scowl. "Kythi wants me to give you the form. I told her I knew what you would say. She said something about the necessity of paperwork. I hate paperwork."

Sighing deeply, she produced a little packet of information held together with a shiny paperclip. It was printed on thick, off-white paper with gold on the edges. Spencer spotted the words university, and forever, and painful…?

"Keep the paperclip," said Alice Cullen, and, still sandwiched between the bodyguards, opened the window and jumped out.

Hesitantly, Spencer reached for the form. Maybe this was all a dream. Yeah, that made sense. A vampire? In her bedroom? Not likely!

She glanced over the first paper in the packet, labeled DISCLAIMER. It was all fine print. Bo-ring! I mean, who cared about… she read a random phrase without really thinking about it… include severe disembowelment?

The next paper was some sort of entry form. Spencer grinned happily. Filling out forms was her third favorite occupation!

Name: Spencer Hollis

Age: 14

Gender: F

Species:

What? Spencer frowned. She was human… but humanity was so boring… She wrote "half-fairy half-werewolf half-vampire". Now that was awesome!

Affiliation: What does that mean?

It means whether you're good or evil, idiot: Oh. Good.

Lust Object:

Ooh! Spencer got up and danced around the room. She could talk about her Jakey-wakey! Oh, Jacob Black! What an amazing werewolf! He was awesome and hot and amazing and-

(We'll spare you the rest. –KR)

Favorite 'ship: Jacob and ME!!!

Who is your favorite character and why:

Spencer took a deep breath—

(And there she goes again. Heh. –KR)

Have you ever written a Mary Sue: Of course! What's a Mary Sue?

Really?: What?

Have you ever written slash: Yes! Some characters you can just tell!

If so, with whom: Quil/Embry! Who cares about Claire?????

Ir/rational Fears: SPIDERS! They're all going to die! And Jacob will help me kill them!

Why you write Twilight fanfiction: So I can share my love for Jakey-poo with the world!

6x7=____ Ooh! She knew this one! It was 42!

One luxury item: My copies of all the Twilight books!!!

If your house was on fire, the first thing you'd take out would be: Um… Jacob?

Satisfied, Spencer signed her name at the bottom of the page, laid the form on her dressing table, and climbed into bed. It was night now, although she hadn't realized. And her covers were heavy and soft, and she was so tired…

The hinged opened without a sound, and Alice happily held up her oil can. The label on it read IF IT WORKS FOR EDWARD, IT WORKS FOR ME! INC. She swung in, closely followed by her bodyguards, and picked up the form.

She read it over, giggling slightly. "Hey Alpha, take a look at this. She's three-halves of a person. Can't wait to see how the Physics Department will work that one out."

One bodyguard laughed slightly.

Alice laughed again. "She says six times seven is forty-two… wow. I thought everyone knew that one, Kappa."

The other bodyguard snickered. "What's her fear?"

"Spiders."

And now all three characters began to cackle, evil laughs rising from Spencer's bedroom through the open window and out to the silent night…