Author: Kamala
Character: Don't have a clue. Just wrote it one night.
Rating: PG I guess.
Feedback: Always welcomed, the good the bad the ugly. The only way you can improve.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies. I don't own the characters NBC and the production company do. All were returned safely upon completion of the ficlet.
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"Watch without being seen
Listen without being heard
Seduce without
being seduced,
Lose yourself without being lost"
The first two are the hardest for rookies. It becomes easier the more undercover work you do. There's always a chance of being caught, though, but that is the risk you take.
The last one is hardest; the longer you're under the harder it becomes. When you're living the lie, you will become the lie--especially when you're out of the box for so long, without contact that grounds you.
The third is the tricky one. You think it's the easiest one. They're scum and you're a federal agent. They're bad and you're good.
I've often wondered if it's easier for the men than the women, to suppress any feelings or emotions they might have and do what needs to be done to protect the cover.
But I'm going off on a tangent here…
Seduce without being seduced. It sounds so easy yet it's so hard. What happens when the seducer is one of your own? Someone you admire? Someone you care for more than you should? Someone who treats you like an equal. Someone you have to constantly remind yourself is your boss.
Shit, why out of anyone who could have been assigned to this case with me, why did it have to be him? Especially after coming off a three-year deep cover job, did I have to get the one person who kept me sane, who prevented me from being lost?
Why did it have to be Frank Donovan, why not Shaw?
Fuck, why me?
Waking up with him in the morning is the worse. It's hard to remember it's a job with the haze of sleep still making thinking straight impossible.
It's time… time to become the person they say I am this time around.
Time to lose myself in her
Time to suppress myself.
Time to give in to the darkness.
The sweetness of the game.
In the end, it is just a game.
And I only a player.