Dear BaKanda...

Summary: Allen writes a secret letter to Kanda proclaiming everything he hates about the stubborn samurai boy... and lets his dirty mouth roam free (beware of randomness)...

Disclaimer: All except the stupidity is property of Hoshino-sensei. :)

A/N: Slight hint of Yullen, but only if you don't blink. ;) Written for my own Kanda cosplay-partner Linnya. x3 *chu* luff ya.

Edit 1st May 2009: Tweaked some minor stuff. ^^

Dear BaKanda,

I'm writing you this letter today to tell you some very important things I think you ought to know about. I'm not telling you in person because whatever some people may say, I'm not a complete lunatic (yet). If I'd tell you in person, you'd go on a wild killing spree (what you'll probably do anyway after reading this) and that would put me in a lot of unnecessary pain.

And that is exactly what this letter is about.

Honestly, I've never seen a more ill-tempered person that you! Even Shishou has had some "good" moods (especially when he was drunk and some busty ladies invited him to their rooms and-Ah... sorry, off-topic stuff). But you... you are so angry all the time!

You're bad-tempered, unsocial, moody and bitchy like a pregnant woman right before birth. You won't even let people touch you. I don't mean the perverted way, but remember the time Krory accidentally tripped me and I nearly fell on you? You were sooo mad and... I can still feel the bruises although it wasn't even my fault! You old brute... ):

You know, there were times when I honestly pondered if that weird Soba-stuff is responsible for your constant bad mood. I mean... you never eat anything else. Never! Jerry will probably get Osteoarthritis someday from always cooking the same thing for you three times a day. (I should tell him to charge an 'health endangerment fee' next time.)

And anyway, I don't think that slimy green stuff is nutritious anyway. Last time I saw you in the communal showers, I could make out your ribs when you stretched from where I stood. (And you call ME a beansprout, Baka!). And no, don't even get the idea that I was ogling you, because I wasn't. I was merely... looking around ... evaluating the competition... eh, you know... for professional reasons only of course.... really!!

Ah, anyway, you're also number two on my list of the „Most Rude People I Know" (place #1 being Shishou). You curse worse than ten drunk sailors if you put the effort into it. You could even become #1 one day. Considering you're part of a Roman Catholic Order, you're pretty dissolute (the Pope would have a hissy fit if he knew).

Also, most of the Finders are terrified of you. Toma-- err, an anonymous Finder told me it's kinda like that: 5% think you're probably a nice, if a bit introverted guy (the new ones who didn't get to know you yet); 11% dislike you (for obvious reasons); 70% are scared shitless of you and 14% think you're a "Hot Chick".

… doesn't that make you contemplate some things? No? Well, congratulations to having absolutely no social competences (and probably no brain too). Ah, back to the main topic. Another point is that you absolutely can't take criticism. Seriously, were you like that as a kid too? You must've been a spawn of hell. I wonder why Tiedoll didn't beat your ass back to Japan. (Then again, he's Tiedoll... )

And did I mention you're kind of a misanthrope? (A word I learned from Lavi the other day, I think it fits you quite well; he also called you a few other words like 'antisocial nihilist' and 'infantile pig-head' but I'm not really sure what all of those mean...)

Anyway, another thing that disturbs me somewhat - okay, it bugs the hell out of me! - is your slice-happy Katana. Yes, we all know Mugen is so pretty and shiny and sparkles even in the dull light of the Order's halls, but that's NO reason to show us every day. We know by now. ): Try boosting your male pride and ego another way.

So, after knowing you for one year, two months and three days I came to the conclusion that you are an absolutely hopeless lost cause. And therefore I decided that your ego should get a bit of a damper, something like an 'Attitude Adjustment' as Shishou always called it (though I never knew why I deserved one, but I know YOU do!).

Did you already notice that something's missing? :) I took the liberty to confiscate every hair tie and hair-band you formerly possessed. They're now in a very dark, very humid and cruddy place, where they can rest in peace from your daily mistreatment (maybe they'll even help Mirandas tulips grow).

And if that wasn't one good way to support the development of your feminine side (Lavi loves it when your hair is 'wild open and free'), there are plenty of others. I changed your bedcover from the sterile, plain white to a pink one with marguerite flowers. Furthermore I decorated your bed with pictures, pillows and plushies with Komui printed on it, since Linali said she didn't need them anymore. Now you can start every morning with Komui's dement-.... motivating smile in front of your face.

Oh, and I also made sure to put your dirty laundry into the washer along with a few of my red ribbons (and one of Linali's lace panties, but psssst!). Now all your clothes have that nice rosy colour to match your bedsheets. I'm sure your feminine side will be ecstatic. :) By the way, the dryer should've finished by now. I've told General Tiedoll that you were feeling a bit sick today and asked him to gather your laundry and to bring it up to your room. He was very excited and agreed immediately, said he'd be glad to be able to help his poor sickly protégé (then he patted my head and praised me for being so thoughtful and caring). Knowing him, he probably even ironed and folded your underwear neatly. He's such a good-natured man. :]

Oh, come to think of it... I hope the General didn't find Linali's pantie. I'm not sure if I accidentally forgot it between your clothes... that might put you in a bit of a suspicious light (but then again, it's Tiedoll, he'll probably be delighted to know his 'Yuu-chan' finally found his place in life).

Hehe, I can vividly imagine the anger ticks on your head by now and I can't help but snicker. Come oooon! You practically ASKED for all this, Mr. I-have-a-whole-Dojo-of-swords-up-my-ass.

At least I'm out of your slicing range for quite a while. I've asked Komui to give me a reeeally long, reeeally time-consuming mission to the farthest place he could find. I also took Lavi with me, so you can't slice him up either. By the way, he's currently annoying me/looking over my shoulder and I should tell you „I MISS YOU, YUU-CHAN!" and that... that the smoke-bombs under your pillow were his idea, what the fuck! LAVI!!

… gah, whatever. I hope all this will do something for your Mrs-Trunchbull-attitude, because if not, then..... you'll have to buy me 10 pounds of Mitarashi Dango for my efforts.

With much love and a snicker,

your one and only

„Moyashi"~

PS: I left Timcanpy in your room so he could record your reaction. Please don't harm him or I'll have Tiedoll scold you. *rofls*

A/N: So... was it obvious that this is my first (published) fanfic here? I know I still have to work a bit on my writing style (I'm not satisfied with it the way it is right now), but I hope it wasn't too bad. Does anyone have some tips what I can do better next time?

I'd love to hear your opinion. :) Please Review?