As old as I am now you would think that I know myself pretty well. There are days I think I do. I'd like to think as the years have past I've witnessed a change in myself, a growth from the man I use to be, selfish, reckless, and dashing, and toward the man I hope to become, selfless, responsible, and still dashing. The moment that bullet pierced Rhys' chest taught me I had been lying to myself about how noble Captain Jack Harkness really was.

Here I thought I'd been strong, self-sacrificing about everything concerning Rhys from Gwen's first arrival at Torchwood. Despite everything, despite the attraction I'd felt since the moment I'd laid eyes on her, I have always respected the relationship between my second in command and her boyfriend. For a year I had resisted temptation, had passed up opportunities to act on a feeling that both sustained and tortured me. I sent her home to her normal life. To Rhys.

Had I suffered? Of course I had. Had I resented this outsider his place in Gwen's world? Of course I had. But I saw it as a small price to pay for Gwen's sanity. To preserve her happiness and humanity, what wouldn't I give up? Admittedly my year away from her had weakened my resolve to stay in my established place. In those months of torture and death I couldn't help but turn to Gwen for strength. I had always done so before when I'd felt lost in a world with so little purity and light. I had endured hell armed with nothing but the memory of her smile, her touch, her kiss. The power of these recollections teamed with the endless days I'd had to think made it impossible for me deny the fact I had formerly avoided at all costs.

Gwen Cooper was my home. To say I loved her was insufficient, because I had loved before. It was possible I'd even been in love once or twice. The feelings Gwen inspired in me were the sum of everything else and a special something extra. She was my fixed point, the fact of my twisted timeline existence. The only anchor my heart has ever known.

Having finally admitted these truths to myself, was it any wonder I was tempted to confess them to her? Facing Gwen in that abandoned corridor I knew it was time, probably past time. And then as I had reached to take her hand, I had felt the ring. The sensation of that small hard rock on her finger hurt a thousand times more than any death I'd ever experienced. Gwen had wanted me to say something but what could I say? Rhys had pledged his whole life to her. How could I compete with that? I'd gladly dedicate my eternal existence to Gwen, but the reality was she would grow old and leave me behind. How could I deny her the chance to travel through her life with someone who could go though the changes with her? So I'd said nothing. I made the moral choice. What a truly noble creature I'd thought myself. Except truly noble creatures don't entertain hopes, no matter how fleeting, that good men like Rhys Williams will die. Because the thought had crossed my mind in the last twenty minutes. A part of me, I'm not sure how large a part, had wanted Rhys to die.

My jealousy had been stretched the reach of my conscious. Not only did Gwen freely give this man her love, not only had she promised to be with only him for the rest of her life, but now Rhys had done something unforgivable in my eyes. Rhys had risked his life for her. Don't misunderstand I'm glad that he did it. That is to say, I'm glad Gwen is safe, whole, and unharmed. But what wouldn't I give to make a gesture of love like that. The privilege to make the ultimate sacrifice. I'm not proud to admit it but I, Captain Jack Harkness, suffer from envy.