"Of Dinosaurs and Mary Sues"

By Reaper-Lawliet

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do, unfortunately, own Mary Sue. I also own Alice.

A/N: I know I usually write Mary Sue parodies for Kingdom Hearts, but I had the really random idea for this, and I thought I'd write it. Besides, the Death Note fandom is by no means Sue free.

It began as a boring day at Wammy's House. The sky was a boring shade of gray, foreshadowing the boring rain that was scheduled to come that equally boring afternoon if the boring weatherman was right for once.

Near was sitting library, putting together his blank puzzle with the 'L' logo. The wooden floor was hard and cold, but Near didn't feel like standing up. What a boring day.

Suddenly, Near heard footsteps approaching the library at quick pace, and he guessed that the person was wearing high-heels and either running or skipping, or perhaps jogging. Near prepared himself for whatever this person was going to do, which probably involved annoying him in some shape or form.

Suddenly, a girl who looked to be a bout fifteen, perhaps a bit young, burst into the library, with her long, raven locks that went down to her perfect ankles flowing elegantly behind her. Wait a minute; did I seriously just write that? Do I have any dignity whatsoever as a writer? Moving on…

"Hi, there, little boy! You're like so kawaii!"

Near raised an eyebrow. She'd just used a Japanese word in a sentence, telling him that she was either part Japanese, or she wanted to sound intelligent by using a Japanese word in an English sentence. Or, she just wanted to emphasize the fact that she knew a bit of Japanese.

The girl giggled a bit, and flipped her hair. She flashed a perfect smile, which was so bright, it dazed a bird who was flying outside the window, causing it to fly headfirst into the wall of Wammy's House and die.

"Where are my manners? My name is Mary Amazing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Turtle Kawaii Lizard Awesome Sunlight Starshine Moonbeam Floral Seashell Lovely Daisy Tree Apple Banana Dirge Candle Rock Water Strawberry Death Note Keyblade Fire Air Pokémon Sue. But you can just call me Mary Sue."

"Is that an alias…?" Near asked.

"Certainly," Mary Sue replied. "After all, that's only about one-third of my real name! You must be Near."

Near almost wondered how she knew that, but he just figured that Roger must've told her or something. After all, most new children at Wammy's House knew of himself and Mello, or maybe even Matt.

Near, who hadn't been looking at the girl at all, looked over his shoulder, and looked at Mary Sue. What he saw reminded him of one of those supermodels from newsstand magazines. It also strangely reminded him of unicorns and roses.

Mary Sue, as mentioned before, had long, elegant raven locks that went to her ankles. She wore a pink dress that would've been sparkling had the sun not been hidden by the boring clouds. Her dress didn't cover much, and Near was surprised Roger let her wear something that short. She also wore black knee-high combat boots, which made Near wonder if this girl had any fashion sense at all. Pink sparkles do not go with combat boots.

Pink cat ears stuck out of the top of her head, and a black, feathery wing protruded from her back. A small, golden crown rested on the top of her head, and Near noticed that wherever she walked, flowers would bloom in her wake. Indoors. On carpet.

"Nate, darling, won't you listen to my story?" Mary Sue asked rather suddenly, snapping the albino out of his thoughts. She sat down next to him. She smelled of daises, which didn't disturb Near as much as the fact that she'd called him 'Nate'.

"I know your real name," she said, "because I can read your mind. Oh, and who's this 'Linda' girl you're so fond of?"

How can she read my mind? Near thought. That doesn't make any sense at all.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone," Mary Sue said. "Anyways, I was born about 66 billion years ago, into a royal family. But, one day, my parents were sitting down, and a runaway flying bus came crashing through the window and squashed both of them."

"Wait, your story already doesn't make sense," Near said, "there weren't any buses during the Cretaceous Period. Buses didn't even exist until the twentieth century. Furthermore, how could you have been royalty back then? How are you still alive?"

"There were buses because even dinosaurs needed to get around, gosh!" Mary Sue replied. "How do you think dinosaurs got to Disneyland?"

"Disney wasn't even started until 1923," Near countered.

"Oh, Near, always being so logical," Mary Sue smiled, ruffling his hair. "I was princess of a clan of dinosaurs. But, one day, the dinosaurs went extinct when a giant meteor came flying out of the sky. Actually, I'll you in on a secret. I was practicing this new move of mine, and I was trying to call down a smaller meteor, but I got it messed up and I called down one that killed the dinosaurs."

"You killed the dinosaurs?!"

"Shh!" Mary Sue cried, "If the government found out, who knows what would happen! Anyways, I survived, but I was homeless for about five years. Then, when I turned fifteen, I witch put a curse on me so that I'd remain fifteen forever so I would never get a driver's license!"

Near rolled his eyes. He didn't believe any of this, naturally.

"So, then, I was found by a pack of saber-toothed tigers. They raised me, and then I went off into the world. But the other week, Watari-san found me, and now I'm here! I'm actually one half fairy, half cat, half Shinigami, half platypus, half komodo dragon, half vampire, half siren, half teacup, and one-eighth human Math doesn't apply to me."

By the time Mary Sue finished her story, Near had gone back to his puzzle. Mary Sue began to pout.

"You're no fun!" she said, folding her arms.

"Why doesn't you go bother…er, play with Mello? He's blond and eats a lot of chocolate. You can't miss him," Near suggested.

"Oh, great idea! I'll go play with him!" Mary Sue giggled, getting up and skipping out of the library, with flowers trailing behind her.

Suddenly, Near realized something.

He was allergic to pollen.

Great.

Speaking of our favorite psycho, Mello was sitting in the common room on this boring gray day, watching Matt play Halo out of boredom. Matt was rather enjoying himself, but Mello could never understand how his friend got enjoyment out of killing pixilated characters and yelling at the T.V. Well, he supposed it was better than playing something as idiotic as "Mountain Goat Rescue: Save the Goats!" or whatever that little girl was playing the other day.

Alice, a girl who usually hung out with them, was sitting on the floor, and leaning against the couch. She was watching Matt play Halo as well, and was trying to fix one of her hundreds of stuffed animals.

"Matt, is it really necessary to shoot everyone you see in his game?" she asked. Alice was a bad hemophobic, or she had a severe fear of blood. However, pixilated blood didn't bother her as much a really blood, but it still made her a bit uneasy.

Matt shrugged. "I guess it isn't, but it's fun. Besides, is there anything better to do?"

"Mountain Goat Rescue?" Alice mused.

At that moment, Mary Sue ran into the room, causing the three to look up.

"Hey there, dudes!" she said. "I'm Mary Sue! You three must be Mello, Matt, and some random girl!"

"It's Alice," Alice corrected.

"Whatever, Allison," Mary Sue replied.

"Alice."

"That's what I said. Alyssa."

"Nevermind," Alice muttered, and went back to her sewing project.

"Why do you have wings?" Matt asked, momentarily taking his attention away from Halo, "and how come you have a trail of flowers behind you? And…why on earth is there a unicorn in here?!"

Mello, who hadn't been paying any attention at all, looked at Mary Sue. Sure enough, behind her, was a white unicorn with a sparkly purple mane, which was eating some of the flowers that seemed to bloom wherever she stepped.

"Near-san told me to play with you three!"

"Near!" Mello hissed, making a mental note to kill the albino freak the next time he saw him.

"Mello, Mihael, darling!" Mary Sue cried rather suddenly, "don't you remember me?!"

"H-how do you know my real name?!" Mello demanded.

"We're engaged, silly!"

Matt raised an eyebrow, still glued to Halo. "Well…that's something. He's not even legal yet."

Alice giggled a bit. "Mello has a fangirl…"

Mello shot them both glares, causing them to immediately shut up.

"When were we engaged?" Mello asked. "I never met you before in my life."

"Of course you have!" Mary Sue cried. "We grew up together! Then, you promised me that you'd marry me and we'd run away together and buy a unicorn and a pony! Oh, and maybe even have thirteen kids! I already have the names picked out! One will be Mary, one will be Sue, one will be Mary Sue…"

"Okay, shut up, I don't care." Mello interrupted.

"Mihael! Stop being mean to me!"

"Stop calling me that!"

"Would you rather me call you Mello-Wello-Kins?"

"…On second thought, you can call me Mihael."

"Wait, so wait names do you want?" Mary Sue asked. "I think the boys can be named Gary, or Stu, or maybe even Gary Stu."

"How about 'shut' and 'up'?" Mello muttered.

"Who would name their kids 'shut' and 'up'?" Mary Sue asked. "That's just cruel."

Suddenly, a bunch of men in police uniforms with dark glasses ran into the room, with their guns drawn. Matt continued playing Halo, and Alice continued sewing. The two probably didn't notice.

"Freeze, Mary Sue!" One of them ordered. "This is the police. You are under arrest for suspicions of causing the mass extinction of the dinosaurs. We need to bring you downtown for investigation."

"But…how did you find out?!" Mary Sue cried. "The only one that could've known that was…Near!"

At that moment, Near entered the room, twirling a lock of his white hair with his index finger.

"I took the liberty of alerting the police," he stated. "After all, mass extinctions are not something that should go unnoticed."

Mello flashed Near a somewhat grateful glance as the police dragged Mary Sue away. She even tried shooting rabid kittens out of her hands at them, but the police had luckily brought their anti-kitten spray, as suggested by Near.

"How did you know she caused the dinosaurs to go extinct?" Mello asked.

"She told me," Near replied, seating himself on the floor and resuming his usual position. "It was somewhat difficult to convince the police, but they believed me eventually."

Mello imagined how awkward that conversation must've been. Hello, my name is Near. I'm from Wammy's House, and I believe the new girl here is responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs…

About a year later, after serving a life sentence in prison for killing the dinosaurs, Mary Sue died of a mysterious heart attack. Apparently, Kira loved dinosaurs.

A/N: Review, please?