Hard to Figure Out

Kitty: ok it's been a year. Let me say one thing. I AM SO SORRY! I CAN'T EVEN FORGIVE MYSELF! Somewhere along the way I forgot about fanfiction AND this story. I was checking my stories today and I saw this story, and another story. I feel extremely guilty for those people who put this on their alert list only for my to not even update this for a year and 3 months. No words can describe how incredibly guilty I am. I am really REALLY sorry guys! I promise to update this more often! I swear! Really! Please forgive me carelessness T_T

Kiki: Kitty doesn't own Ouran High. She really doesn't. All she owns is Tsukii.

Tsukii: that pains me to hear T_T

Kiki: too bad! :D

Note: Watch out for the ending, a little angst in my opinion. And if you haven't noticed Tsukii is quick to change his mood xD. That's what makes him Tsukii. :D

=Enjoy!=

Darkness filled Tsukii. He felt like he was floating. Where was he? Tsukii tried to move, he couldn't. Was he dead? Part of him hoped he was, but another part of him told him to keep fighting. Why? Nothing ever went right for Tsukii. His biological mom and dad had abandoned him at the age of 5. Tsukii should be too young to remember, but he remembered. His mother hugging him and his dad crying as they left him on the porch of the orphanage.

Why did they abandon him if they loved him? They were crying weren't they? They loved him right? Or was it an illusion. A trick? A mirage. If they loved him and wanted him, they wouldn't have That proved he wasn't wanted right? There was no other reason why his real parents would just give him up like that.

Suddenly he found himself in a room. His father's study room. What was he doing here? If memory served him right he

His stepfather. Tsukii loved his step father. His step father at first had no intentions of adopting. According to his stepfather, he went to Tsukii's orphanage to look at the many unfortunate kids. His eyes landed on Tsukii. Tsukii's eyes caught his attention. They were like traps, once he fell into it, he couldn't get out. Without hesitating at all, he adopted Tsukii.

Everytime Tsukii asked his stepfather why he had adopted him if he wasn't really fond of kids, his stepfather, no.. his dad, would chuckle.

"You're eyes draw me towards you." 7 year old Tsukii blinked.

"My eyes?" he asked.

"Yes your eyes, they screamed for help and love. Whoever looks at you and ignores how your eyes scream for help is crazy." Tsukii blinked.

"My eyes are clouds?" he asked not understanding what his father meant. His father roared with laughter.

"No. Your eyes are more that clouds. Clouds are empty, only filled with rain. Rain screams sadness. Your eyes are nothing like that." Tsukii tilted his head confused.

"Then what do my eyes scream?"

"Life. Your eyes cried your determination to live." That was his father's reply.

Being as young as he was back then Tsukii folded his arms.

"You don't make sense daddy." He pouted. His father laughed and kissed Tsukii on the head.

"Of course I do." He said. "You're just too young to comprehend."

"Comprashendu?" 5 year old Tsukii quirked an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

"Exactly"

"You confusses me." Tsukii pouted. His father just laughed. Tsukii blinked and the room was gone. He was back in the dark. Tsukii scoffed. Wasn't it ironic? His eyes screamed his desire to live, as his father told him, yet he was already giving up on life. Tsukii smirked at the irony.

Tsukii saw a light at the end of the darkness. The light. It was so tempting. He had heard that once you go to the light you might never come back. Tsukii wanted to move towards the light, it would end his pain and sorrow, but his body refused to move. It was like his body hasn't giving up yet. But Tsukii had. Still his body fought him. The light lead to a place away from here right? Maybe he'll see his father and they'll be happy in this place.

"Wake up." Cried a voice. Tsukii looked around for the source of the voice. He recognized that voice. Takeshi.

"Young Master. Wake up please." It cried. Tsukii blinked.

"T-takeshi?" he said in a small voice. In a distant he heard gasp.

"He can hear us! He can speak!" cried Haruhi. Tsukii frowned in the darkness surrounding him. Haruhi sounded like she had cried for a long time. She sounded worried.

"Haruhi?"

"Tsukii! Open your eyes please!" Takeshi's voice again. Tsukii was scared. He was sure everyone was there. Kyouya, Takeshi, Haruhi and the whole club. He didn't want to picture their faces. Worry, concern and care leaking on their faces. He didn't deserve that. Afterall… it was his fault his dad was gone.

"Please open your eyes." Takeshi was growing more worried by the minute. Tsukii wanted to tell Takeshi not to worry about him. He didn't deserve that. He had been selfish, rude and mean to Takeshi, but the butler continued to be by his side. Why would he? Tsukii had been so mean and cold. Shutting himself from the world.

"Can you hear me?" Takeshi asked. Unable to find his voice again Tsukii tried to nod. Not knowing if they could see. Fortunately they did.

"Please listen to us and open your eyes." Wait…us?

"Yea man! Don't go zombie on us. Come on you're worrying Haruhi." The voice scoffed. Hikaru's no doubt. But behind his words there was slight worry.

"Hikaru! Don't be mean!" Kaoru's voice. Tsukii's lips twitched as he smiled. Kaoru was always the more sensible of the two.

"Hey Tsukii. You're worrying all of us wake up." Kaoru again. Tsukii frowned. Why were they worried about him? They shouldn't be. They didn't even know each other long enough to express any emotion.

"We might have known you for long but maybe if you let us in." Tsukii growled. And obviously everyone heard the growl as they gasped and Tsukii imagined them jumped back.

"I don't want my son to die! Mommy!" cried another voice. Tamaki? Son? Since when was he his 'son?' Tsukii gritted his teeth when Tamaki called him his son.

In the back he heard wailing. He was sure it was Hunny. Tsukii felt guilty for making them worry about him.

"Where am I?" Tsukii asked, not daring to open his eyes. He already knew the answer.

"The hospital." Kyouya answered him, hint of concern in his voice. Out of all the people he predicted in the room, Kyouya? Concerned? Those words didn't sound right. Kyouya hardly potrayed his emotions, but this time the small crack in his voice voiced that he was concerned. Tsukii hated this.

"Tsukii open your eyes." Takeshi told him. Tsukii shook his head.

"Why not?" Tsukii chose not reply. What was he suppose to say? He was scared? That would lead to more worrying.

"Hey you." Hikaru's voice.

"Yes?" Takeshi asked.

"We have to go home now. Our parents would be worried."

"Yeah same here. My grandma is probably starting to call the police."

"I have to go do som research and start on homework." That was so like Kyouya.

"What? But tomorrow's Saturday!"

"The faster I finish the more I can do my research."

"Call us when he wakes up, I have to go now. My dad is probably going crazy without me or food.."

Minutes later he heard shuffling. So they're leaving him.

"Young Master?" Why are you still here?

"Because I'm worried." Tsukii mentally tensed. He said that outloud?

"Why?" Tsukii asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Go away."

"Please just open your eyes." Tsukii said nothing. Now he was aware that the background noise and fuss was gone. Where had it gone?

"Their not here. It's just you and me." Tsukii smiled a little. So they abandon me too.

"Their waiting outside for you. But I need you to open your eyes." Hesitatingly Tsuki slowly opened his eyes, the darkness around him disappeared, only to be filled with light. Was this the light he saw in the dark?However when he heard Takeshi voice Tsukii's name questioningly, he knew it wasn't.

Tsukii blinked the momentary blindness the overtook him. Looking around the room it was like he had expected it to be. White walls and barely filled. Simple yet professional. Looking to his left he saw his butler…no…his friend staring at him with worry. Tsukii draw his eyes away.

"Thank goodness. You've been knocked out for quite a while. 2 days actually." Tsukii blinked.

"Mom doesn't care does she?" he asked. Takeshi sighed.

"She looked more then happy when I told her you here in a mild coma." He said truthfully. Tsukii sighed. It was so like her.

"She would have thrown a party with the others if I HAD died." He said. The others referring to his adoptive father's family. He was an outcast to them. Tsukii frowned.

"But you didn't. And everyone is glad you didn't. You lost quite a lot of blood. We needed to give you a blood transfusion." Tsukii sighed.

"I'm not worth it." He said dully. It pained Takeshi to see the dullness in Tsukii's eyes. It had lost it's fire.

"You're friends and I think you're worth it. You're important to us." Takeshi smiled lightly as he saw the usual glint in his young master's eyes. Tsukii scoffed.

"I wish you would have left me in the darkness a little longer." Tsukii mumbled. "I wish I could have gone in the light." Tsukii hoped he hadn't heard, but when he looked Takeshi in the eyes, he knew he had heard. Tsukii cursed himself for speakinghis thoughts outloud.

"I wouldn't have let you. I would have commanded you to wake up."

"Butlers don't order their masters around." Tsukii growled rolling his eyes.

"Perhaps not." Takeshi said. "But a friend wouldn't let their friend give up so easily." Tsukii shot up from his bed, wincing slightly. Takeshi quickly went to his side to help him up but Tsukii smacked his hand away.

"I don't need your help!" he growled as he slowly sat upright. Takeshi sighed. Tsukii was a handful.

"And I don't need your friendship." Tsukii told Takeshi. "I don't need anybody! I can handle it myself! I'm not some pathetic person who needs the support of another!"

"It's clear that you can't do this alone."

"Shut up!" Tsukii clenched his head. "Go away! I don't need you! Just leave me alone!" he cried.

"I'm trying to help you."

"I don't need help!"

"Just tell me what's wrong."

"You know what's wrong? My life is fucked up! My family, no. My adoptive family hates my guts! I'm an outsider! A filthy little orphan who wormed his way into a family that clearly didn't want him!" Tsukii cried. Takeshi shook his head.

"Your dad wanted you."

"The accident." Takehi looked at him surprised.

"What about it?"

"It should have been my life the accident took. Not his." Tsukii looked down.

"He was very much needed in the family, I'm just an eyesore in the family. He deserved to live, not me! He was a good man!"

"That's not true. You have every right to live. You've accomplished a lot of things. People stare in awe as you continue to climb higher. Given your age, this is quite an accomplishment." Tsukii growled.

"I don't need your pep talk." He growled.

"No. You need a caring friend who listens to you. That's me."

"God! Leave me alone! I don't need your help!" Tsukii glared at Takeshi. "If I want to die, then I will!"

SLAP!

Tsukii's eyes widened, as his head jerked to the right. Takeshi had… slapped him? Tsukii's eyes widened as fear crossed his body. Takeshi looked shocked at what he had done.

"Young Master?" Takeshi raised a hand towards Tsukii, Tsukii flinched and moved away from his hand.

"I'm sorry that slap was uncalled for, but you needed it." Takeshi sighed. Tsukii relaxed a little, but flinched as Takeshi put a hand on his shoulder.

"Please open up. Don't hide yourself and your problems. You have friends and me. We'll look out for you."

"Go away." Tsukii's voice struggled to remain calm but he was about ready to break down.

"Stop talking to me. Please. Stop." Tsukii's body shook as he tried to keep his tears at bay.

"Please let me in." Takeshi told Tsukii. "I want to help."

"No! You don't understand!" Tsukii cried.

"I would if you told me." Takeshi said. He wasn't about to give up on Tsukii. Not when his young master and friend needed him the most. Tsukii's eyes brimmed with tears.

"I killed him, Takeshi." Tears finally rolled down Tsukii's eyes. He had reached his limits. Now he broke down.

"Don't blame yourself for the accident. It wasn't your fault."

"It is!" Tsukii cried out. "I killed him. I took his life."

"No you didn't."

"I took him away from everyone."

"That's not true. You don't think it's true." Tsukii glared at him through his tears.

"Don't tell me what I think!" Tsukii cried.

"Your father loved you a lot. You know it."

"And I paid him back by ki-"

"Don't say that!" barked Takeshi. Tsukii flinched at Takeshi's voice. Takeshi sighed and lowered his voice.

"It was an accident. You couldn't see it coming. I bet your father only thought about your safety as he was dying."

"…" Takeshi pulled him into a hug. Tsukii tensed but didn't move. Tsukii's tears flowed freely down his face, he didn't bother to wipe them. They would only be replaced by more tears.

"I miss him." Tsukii cried.

"I know."

"I want him back."

"It's ok."

"I need him."

"We all need him."

"It's my fault." Tsukii chanted over and over again. Takeshi just hugged Tsukii. Tsukii clutched the back of Takeshi's shirt tightly.

"Oh god. I need him. I want him back. He always tells me everything is ok. He…" Tsukii sniffed.

"He means the world to me." Tsukii's voice fell into a whisper.

"Let it out Young Master."

"Don't call me that! Please." Tsukii choked out over his tears. Takeshi smiled a little.

"Alright Tsukii."

"I want my daddy…" Tsukii sobbed as his body shook with such force. Takeshi just whispered soothing words to his young master, hoping to calm him down. He rubbed circles on Tsukii's back. Tsukii was a kid that took Takeshi alot of time and energy to be friends with. Tsukii may be snappy and rude, but he's a good kid. People in Tsukii's family found him to be hard to figure out and just ignored him. Takeshi's face scrunched up in digust thinking about them. They never even tried to figure Tsukii out. They didn't deem him needed enough to have the time and patience to know him better. Those dumb fools wouldn't know a good thing even if it hit them in the eye. They shunned Tsukii away. The only person who showered Tsukii with the love and attention he craved for was his father,but now he was gone, taking Tsukii's happiness and sense of security.

Takeshi only hoped that in time Tsukii would heal. He believed in him. Occassionally Tsukii would lose hope, but the spark in his eyes showed that he was still fighting. Tsukii didn't know it himself, but he wasn't giving up. he could try and lie to himself, ubt he couldn't fool Takeshi. Takeshi had known him long enough to tell whether of not he was lying. Tsukii was lying to himself, and shutting people out, just to prevent more heartbreak. That he could understand. But Takeshi knew Tsukii had to open up to find happiness. He had kids of his own, so he knew how to deal a broken child. But Tsukii wanted one thing that Takeshi could never give him to comfort him.

"I want my daddy!" Tsukii cried.

=TBC=

Kitty: love, hate? Review please ^^ it motivates me to continue ^^ Horrible trolling comments are not welcomed here ): Light flames and feedback is most welcome. ^^ Flamers, please keep the harshness to a minimum. Lol i wasn't thinking much when i wrote this xDDD feedback~! :3

Kiki: See you guys next time!