DISCLAIMER: I don't own Vampire Knight, Matsuri Hino does, and what that means is I do not have the right to slaughter the characters, plot, and the story in general in order to input myself into the place of a preexisting character so I can be a beautiful mysterious pureblood that entices one of the 2D vampires who don't actually exist who I fantasize about into loving me and in extension killing a bit of the soul of whoever is reading my pointless 100-word ramble.

…

EPISODE TWO

Day One.

…

It all happened so fast.

Well, not really. But that line sounds cool, so even though this didn't really all happen that fast, it DID get faster once we got past the first five hours of the Aidou/Ruka/Kain housing phenomenon, so we'll just say it ALL happened fast.

When they entered the room, all was well. That lasted for about ten seconds. Ruka, being Ruka, somehow magically beat Aidou to the bathroom, slamming the door in the blond's face, to the amusement of his cousin. Aidou banged at the door and hissed at Ruka for a good half hour while Kain proceeded to wallpaper the perimeters of their suite with pages of the most recent chapters of Vampire Knight. Aidou finally gave up just as Kain seared the last page into the woodwork, when he finally realized that through the gushing water and the scented smoke seeping through the door, Ruka obviously couldn't hear him and probably didn't bother to try.

Much to Aidou's annoyance, his childhood friend took even longer in the bathroom than he did, and that was saying something, because by the time Aidou was done perfecting his appearance in the evenings Kain almost always fell asleep again. During Ruka's soak, Kain had stripped down to a pair of black boxers and was watching Anderson Cooper with a bored expression, and Aidou had sprawled on a settee and bemoaned Ruka's narcissism, which Kain ignored, because like HANABUSA of all people can LECTURE on NARCISSISM. Aidou had perked up three hours later, when the sound of water stopped. Apparently, that was just a false alarm, because though Ruka had ceased her bathing, that was no indication of any sort of finishing line to her nightly routine. Giving up thoroughly on life, Aidou went to sleep.

And that lasted about fifteen minutes, until the steam cleared, and from the bathroom sounded a scream an octave higher than Ruka's normal, sane voice, the shrill cry waking her catnapping roommates.

Aidou was the first to rouse awake at the scream, his blue eyes haphazardly staring at all four corners of the room. Scrambling up, he darted for the bathroom, kicking the door open and being blasted with a faceful of scented steam. Blinking and waving his arms around, he finally found Ruka crouched in the corner of the vast marble bathroom, wrapped in a white towel, hiding her face in her hands, her platinum hair covering most of her upper body. The blonde only winced at the sheer brightness of her platinum blonde hair. He wasn't used to her hair glowing like that, as brilliantly and smoothly as a dolphin's ass. If fish mammals had asses, anyway, he was sure.

Aidou shot preliminary glances around the bathroom as Kain neared. Empty bottles. Okay. Clock ripped off wall. Okay. Cracked marble. Okay. Broken mirror. Okay.

"Ruka," Kain's voice floated from behind him, "What's wrong?"

"Go away," she sobbed from her steamy corner, "Don't look at me."

"You heard the lady," Aidou said loudly, shoving Kain out the door and sneaking towards the blonde girl. "I think we should get out of the bathroom and leave her alone, huh?" He waved madly, and, rolling his eyes, Kain banged a draw shut near the bathroom door to imitate a door-slamming sound.

Ruka looked up. Aidou's eyes widened and air all but ran a 200-meter out of his lungs.

There was a moment of silence when their eyes met, before Ruka choked at the traumatized expression tore at Aido's face.

And then Ruka turned, screaming profanities incoherently and crying, and Aido immediately joined her as he broke down and saw the invampire pimple on her face singing in Diana Ross's voice, "I'M COMING OUT! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW! GOT TO LET IT SHOW!"

"What the hell is that!? Make it stop, make it stop!" Aido was practically bawling now. Ruka was sure that she would've smacked him across the face had she not been shrieking this whole time and attempting to hide.

Kain, unable to handle all of their motherfucking, bickering, whathaveyou, finally snapped. He charged into the steam, only stopping when he saw the look on Ruka's face. Or rather, the Event on Ruka's face. The redhead cringed a little, his right eye twitching. He took another look, shuddered, and tried to muster a blank façade.

"Ruka, really, it's not that bad…" he deadpanned calmly.

Aido threw him a surreal look.

"Have you looked at it!?"

"Hanabusa, shut up."

"It's SINGING, for Pete's sake!" Aido screeched, his arms exploding at his sides.

Kain gave his cousin a warning glance, not before looking at Ruka and making sure that the girl didn't burst out crying or started to come at Aido with a deranged twist in her eyes.

"Hanabusa, I swear to God if you don't close your mouth—"

"I'M COMING OUT! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW! GOT TO—"

"---let it show! There's a new me coming out! And I just had to live! And I wanna give! I'm completely positive—"

"Hanabusa." The redhead hissed through clenched teeth, flinging his cousin an evil look when the latter had started to sing along with Ruka's pimple, and worst of all, knew lyrics that even the bloody zit didn't know.

"What?" Aido whined, giving the redhead the same childish look he gave to his mother when he was five, before he started to ramble. "I mean, it's not like it's my fault. The freaking zit just popped into her face by itself. This is probably for all the bad stuff she did before, you know, God's way of saying not to be a bitch—and whoa, look at that thing, it's like moving at her nose, right there in the smack-fucking-dab center. I never met a vampire who had a zit before. Can vampires even get zits? Wow Ruka, you're really special, arentcha—OHMAIGOD. That hurt! OWWW."

Kain had reached over and slapped his cousin upside the head, growling. He turned to Ruka, finally ignoring the blonde's incessant whining.

"You know he's just kidding, right?" Kain once again began hesitantly, trying not to stare at her face. When that obviously didn't console her, as she shot him a glare of deepest loathing, Kain started again. "Ruka, really. It's all right. It's not that big of a deal."

"Not a big deal? NOT A BIG DEAL!?" The girl screeched, finally being able to snap out of her stupor. Her face was a dangerous, maddened color. Crimson fury. Like it'd suck you in if the pimple didn't do it first. Ruka wheeled around, staring Kain right in the eye.

"Do you know what my Grandmother would say if she saw this—this BLASPHEMY on my face, AKATSUKI!?"

He paused. "Uh…" Ruka's grandmother was a frightening woman.

"And it doesn't help what with your cousin's retarded little remarks! LET ME AT HIM NOW. I will tear his little blonde ass and—"

"Ruka."

"—and, and feed it to the Mary-Sues, may he rot in—"

"RUKA!"

"—hell!! WHAT!?"

"Calm down."

"Calm down!? CALM DOWN!? Have you not seen…!" Her words suddenly died at her tongue, as if she was too angry to even express the emotion. Her face flushed hotly and her perfectly manicured finger pointed to the door, demanding for them to get out.

"But this is our bathrom, and our room!" Hanabusa whined once more, fret evident in his eyes as he backed up. "And the Mary-Sues--!"

Ruka's eyes widened for a second, before face contorted with anger. "Hanabusa! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE---UUGH!"

There was a loud tearing sound as Hanabusa yelped, and fell on his ass. Kain's eyes widened, and he gulped.

Ruka darted for the blond. Kain barely caught her around the waist, trying to restrain the girl and make sure her towel was still in place at the same time. Aidou looked confused, before his gaze was directed downwards and he screamed like a little girl, scrambling furiously and jumping off of the silk he had stepped on.

"OH MY GOD, RUKA!! I SWEAR I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I SWEAR! PLEASE! PLEASE! BE MERCIFUL! AKATSUKI, SAVE MEEEEEE!!"

"I'm TRYING, you idiot!" Kain snapped. "Ruka! Calm down, I'll buy you another one! And I'll buy you Prada, and Gucci, and Burberry! Ten of each! I promise, okay? We'll go into town on Sunday and you can have my credit card!---Hanabusa's, too---!---Ruka---!"

The (recent) blonde, hearing this, finally calmed down, seething at the (other) blond. Aidou's foot had recently been perched on her uniform skirt, which had been tailored by Givenchy and therefore lined with their signature silk lace. In her attempt to cleanse it of Akura Neos's stupidity while lacking a dry cleaner, she had carefully sponge-pressed it and laid it on the marble to smooth---and Aidou had just ripped it in two.

"This is awful," Ruka sobbed, flinging her arms around Kain's neck. "I hate you. I hate you both!"

Kain's gaze flashed at Aidou, who gulped at the How-Dare-You-Make-Her-Hate-Me expression on his cousin's face. What the heck? She was hugging him at telling him she hated him, what the heck was he mad about? She probably didn't even MEAN IT. Aidou pouted as Kain's glare was diverted to a soft glance at Ruka. Life was so unfair.

"Run, Hanabusa," Kain said calmly as Ruka collapsed into a small heap in his arms. Aidou didn't even hesitate before darting out and hiding under his bed.

"Akatsuki," Ruka sniffed, "I have acne. I've never had acne! My skin has never seen blemish or spot! What would Grandmother say?! And nii-sama, and nii-san, and nii-chan, and nii-kun, and…this is awful! What could have possibly caused this atrocity?!"

Kain was content to simply allow Ruka to keep sobbing half naked into his chest until a light bulb appeared over his head. He attempted to kill it several times, only to have it continue to reincarnate itself. Kain sighed.

"Hey, Ruka. Maybe you're allergic to Akura Neos, or something."

The girl paused, and straightened, staring at Kain, who was trying not to stare at the flesh suddenly exposed by a slipping towel.

"Oh my God! Akatsuki, you're a genius!"

"…yeah."

"What---what can we do about it? Do we have some sort of anti-Sue allergen?"

"Canon," came Aidou's muffled voice through the door. He was missing out on bath time, but he'll be damned if he'll come out from under his lovely lavender-scented bed before Ruka had calmed down and Kain was no longer out for his blood.

Deciding he'd had enough drama for the night and was tired dammit, Kain leaned over and promptly kissed Ruka on the cheek. A sudden spray of sparkles, glitter and fluorescent light appeared around the girl, and when it cleared, it revealed Ruka with perfect, gorgeous skin, even as the ghost of the Diana Ross Pimple of Ultimate Death howled in pain at its demise. Ruka beamed. The world was good again.

Well, sort of. She was still blonde, but no amount of smooching from Kain would solve that. That doesn't mean he wouldn't try, but the redhead was exhausted. He picked the girl up, walked towards the bathroom door and kicked his cousin over the head as he passed.

"Bathroom's free," he deadpanned. Aidou gave a whoop and ran into the room, clutching his head and locking the door. Kain cleared his throat, setting Ruka gently down on Aidou's bed. It was at this moment of glowingly perfect skin that Ruka realized she was wearing a towel and Kain was wearing boxers and he was crouched over her, and if anybody walked in at that precise moment she was going to be in some serious trouble with her parents and he was going to get his ass whooped seven times over by her overprotective brothers.

"My---um, my nightgown is in my room," she squeaked, and berated herself for making such an undignified noise. Kain nodded silently, went into his walk-in closet, and pulled out a white silk t-shirt. Ruka smiled gratefully as Kain turned away, and slipped into the shirt. It smelled like Kain.

"…sorry for making a fuss," Ruka sighed, running a hand through her curly, still damp blonde hair with a hint of distaste. Kain sat down on his own bed across from hers and shrugged as she hunted for hair-dye damage.

"Appearances are very important for girls your age," he said slowly. "Go to sleep. Hanabusa can share with me or he can deal with the floor."

Ruka pulled up the lavender-scented covers and plumped the lavender-scented pillow, and shot Kain a sweet smile.

"Thank you, Akatsuki."

She turned away, and for that he was grateful, because now at least until his stupid cousin got out of the stupid bathroom, he could watch her sleep in peace without seeming creepy.

"AKATSUKI! OH MY GOD! EWWWW! THE TOWELS SMELL LIKE GIRLLLLLLLLL, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?!"

Kain sighed, a vein throbbing in his temple.

He was going to fucking kill something.

.-.-.-.-.

"God, how did Stacie get so popular anyways? We used to be best friends."

Takuma gave the brunet boy beside him a scandalized look. "Are you okay, Shiki? You don't…you don't still have OOC, right? Cause we have no antibacs." Shiki turned, staring at him indifferently through half-open eyes, yawning. "It's from the movie. The next line, I mean."

The blond turned, and sure enough, there it was.

"Jules, I can't make your over-nighter. I'm doing the dance."

"…the dance?"

"The high school dance." And Sarah Paxton turned around to glance at her supposed high school boyfriend, snickering.

"You know that's not really Sarah Paxton?" Rima suddenly popped out of nowhere because she was just a tiny little thing, and propped up her elbows at the head of the couch, staring down at him. "She's just in character."

"Like I care." Shiki snorted. "She looks like Reese Witherspoon."

"No. Sarah Paxton has that cleft chin."

"Right." The brunet shrugged, directing his attention at the movie now. There was a moment of silence before Rima piped up once again, seemingly irritated.

"Not all blondes are bimbos, Shiki," she frowned, narrowing her eyes at his closed-mindedness.

Takuma gasped. "Senri, I never knew you felt that way. I'm hurt."

Shiki blinked at the older vampire. "Ichijou, you're not even a girl."

"Oh, so you're being sexist now, are you?"

"I didn't even say anything," he defended mildly, staring at his 'lover', or 'mate, or whichever was the proper word, with truthful patented Rido (aka 'daddy')-melting puppy-dog eyes. How do you think Shiki managed to convince his megalomaniacal dad to let buy him all them ponies?

"Damn, Rima," Takuma snorted as Rima rolled her eyes and her body, "Why're you bullying your man? I mean, he's already whipped. What more do you want?"

Shiki was, like, seriously whipped, even though you usually can't tell because Rima is kind enough to let him pretend he can function independently of her in public. He's been massively whipped since he met Rima, probably because he was so damn lazy and his mom was crazy so Rima was the only one that got him to do stuff, like eat and bathe and breathe. So yes, he was whipped. Like cream. Like he didn't have any motivation in life except Rima and food. And sleep. But is sleep really motivation? Hmmm…

"I am not whipped," Shiki responded lamely as Rima came crashing at his side. She nudged his stomach with an elbow lightly, and he moved a couple of inches to give her space.

Takuma smiled at his gesture, giving him a pitiful look. "It's alright, Shiki. Some things cannot be helped," the blonde commented in understanding, patting his shoulder.

Shiki blinked, confused.

"…what?—" he shook his head suddenly, dismissing the thought just as Takuma being a crazy person. Yeah, Ichijou-san was just a weird guy. But Ichijou wouldn't worry about it---was he even aware of it?---until possibly Dr. Phil came and slapped him across the face. And then maybe not, even.

Dr. Phil probably wouldn't randomly burst in and psychoanalyze Ichijou, anyways. Dr. Phil wasn't good enough. Damn, there're a lot of celebrities mentioned here.

"Ichijo-san, why are we watching this again?" Rima asked a moment later, frowning at the movie's cheesy plot.

"What? Doesn't it just send happy vibes? We're having a sleepover! And the movie's called Sleepover! Ain't that ironic?" Takuma asked, beaming brightly.

"Umm. No. I actually want to sleep right now," Rima rubbed one of her eyes. Shiki nodded in agreement, yawning once again. Like a cat. Awww, Shiki-cat. Takuma looked at them, a horrified expression plastered on his face. "But that destroys the whole point of having a sleep over!"

"Huh. Funny that," Rima shrugged nonchalantly.

"You're such a killjoy," the blond pouted. The girl quirked a brow.

"Nerg?"

"Any one wants to play LIFE?" Takuma offered suddenly, shifting the conversation with a flash of his smile. Shiki and Rima blinked at Takuma as he whipped the box out from God-knows-where…considering they were all on Takuma's massive king-sized bed and said blond vampire was wearing white silk pajamas, there was a good chance the board came from his…yeah.

But Takuma's not really stuck up. So maybe only sticks stuck up the you-know-what made you stuck up.

Hmm.

Anyways. Within moments Takuma explained the rules, initiated the game, and started downing what was to be 15 Vanilla Mocha Frappucchinos. And suddenly, the mystery of where he gets all his goddamn energy from is ANSWERED. Rima shot a rather nervous look at Ichijou's fridge. It emitted dulled sounds of a Starbucks café, like he had…a small army of Starbucks employees in there, or something. But it was a small fridge, and…you know what, she just…didn't want to know.

"Well, lookie here." Shiki stared at his LIFE card boredly, if not a little bit entertained. "I didn't know that a man was capable of having twins."

"Maybe you're not—ow." Takuma was immediately shushed by Rima's light poking of the ribs. The girl turned to Shiki, eyes content.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" she started.

"I don't know."

"If it's a boy, name it Hiro."

"But I want to name it Senri Jr.," Shiki yawned dryly.

"No. That's silly."

"Alright." Shiki shrugged indifferently, sticking two more pegs into their family car. Takuma frowned sadly and gazed at his own sad little car, empty of all but the little peg of HIMSELF. It turned out this way: since they, Shiki and Rima I mean, were two peas in a pod, Shiki had agreed to team up with Rima and share their money together. Of course, they always ended up bankrupt because Shiki kept on getting pregnant.

Shiki was a police officer who couldn't do shit, and Rima was a hairstylist who had an income of a plumber. Takuma was a plastic surgeon who functioned like a retarded monkey.

"Wait, that's not right," Takuma's lips had puckered once he gazed at the piles and piles of money that Rima was accumulating. "How come you're so rich? Are you stealing government tax funds like AIG? And Shiki, why do you keep getting pregnant? For God's sakes, leave some for me."

"Which? Money or fetuses?"

"Uh…both?"

"I can't help it that your eggs aren't fertilized enough, Ichijo-san." Shiki spoke up, smirking a little despite himself.

Takuma had blinked at this response, and then frowned lightheartedly. "I feel tainted."

Rima had looked up at that time, a thoughtful look on her face. "Would you like us to lend some of our ova to you, Ichijo-san?"

The blonde burned, looking away uncomfortably. Shiki snorted, stifling the laughter at his throat in success.

"Um. No. I'll manage."

Takuma shot the board a very uncomfortable look. Two more rounds later he had a baby girl whom he affectionately named 'Sakura-chan', despite being snorted at by his roommates for the cheesy commonness of the name. Takuma merely stuck out his tongue at the two while sticking the little pink peg behind him, in what he declared was the safest seat in the car, before frowning at the other vehicle several squares ahead of him and his newborn daughter. Shiki and Rima were wayyyy too close to the Finish Line.

Oh, whoops. There they go.

"Alrighty then," Ichijou clapped. "Let's clean up, kiddies."

Shiki and Rima rolled their eyes and plucked their pegs from the car, tossing them into the box on top of the folded board, while Takuma lovingly removed Sakura from her car-hole and wrapped her up in a bit of tissue paper before setting her down beside her daddy in the box, cooing to the pink peg all the while. Shiki suspected that if the peg were animate and had feelings, it would be shit scarred by Takuma's crazy child obsession by now.

"…and so, Goldilocks ran her terrified little ass away because the bears just popped outta hella nowhere and scared the crap out of her. The end," Takuma smiled brightly at the tidy white box where the board game was kept.

Shiki raised his eyes at him curiously. "Ichijo-san, what're you doing?"

"I'm telling my kids a bed time story. Unlike you neglectful parents," Takuma smiled vividly at them, if a little mockingly.

"Hey, Ichijo-san. That's not fair. Just because we took all the kids from the game doesn't mean you got to hate on us," Rima stared boredly at him on the bed, placing her chin atop her hands. Shiki yawned from his position beside her, lying neatly across the soft covers.

"FYI, one of your kids ran away. And I thought we were close enough for me to be the godfather so I took the liberty to take care of him," Takuma replied, standing up and striding towards the bed.

"You can be." Shiki shrugged, looking at him as he past them and plopped down. "Though you have to be careful about saying it."

"It sounds like you're kidnapping our child," Rima commented dryly. "You can be mistaken for a pedophile, you know that?" she added in a monotone voice.

"Pssht," Takuma waved it off, "That's okay. I'm not. And about kidnapping your child, Shiki sucks as the head of the police department. You'll never find me."

"Pedophile," Rima sang in a wind chime voice, grinning a little. Shiki smirked. Takuma ignored the two and moved on.

"Hey, did you guys by any chance notice there's only one bed?" he noted, amused.

"Yup," Shiki just nodded. "Why?"

Takuma made a face before assuming his bright smile. "Okay, we can work this out. If you'll just scoot over…"

"Why?" Shiki asked again, not moving.

"Because I'd rather not sleep on the floor, especially since this is my room," Takuma answered lightly, "Besides, I don't want to have a threesome as much as the next person."

"You say it like it's such a bad thing," the brunette responded mischievously.

"Shiki," Takuma said warningly. "Did you take your pills? You know how you father likes to take over your body sometimes."

"What?" Both the younger vampires' heads instantly snapped to look at him, Shiki from his upside-down position and Rima from the ceiling.

Takuma glanced at them, surprised. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a spoiler?"

"Yes." Rima answered. "The time skew makes it that we all know Yuuki's a Kuran but Shiki hasn't turned into Rido yet."

"Oh, good," Takuma smiled. "Well, Shiki, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the anime, and Shiki-turned-Rido could be trying to rape Ruka." He chortled.

"What?" Shiki still couldn't get over the shock, his eyes a few millimeters wider than his normal half-lidded gaze. "Daddy? Daddy would do that? To me? Ruka? Daddy?Daddy?" He started trembling.

The older blonde vampire smiled, "Nevermind that. Let's sleep."

And amid the frightened mumbles of a rather shell-shocked Shiki, Takuma used his crazy vampiric powers to magically turned off the lights, snuggle into a pillow and start snoring gently. Rima rolled her eyes, rolled over, and tried to soothe her terrified boyfriend. She finally succeeded, as Shiki could only cry for so long before he fell asleep. Unfortunately, despite being as slim as Ruka, boys were boys and they were fucking giants and rivaled Kain in how much bed space they took up. Rima contemplated her rather awkward position. She could either roll off the bed in the middle of the night, or sleep on Shiki. She wasn't fond of falling off a bed, and since they weren't exactly alone at the moment, she didn't really want to try the latter. Watching Takuma happily burrow into his covers, an unlighted light bulb appeared above Rima's head.

"Hey, Shiki." Rima poked the brunet boy with a hushed whisper. Her partner in crime groaned, mumbling in gibberish sentences.

"Sdslkjfg;djfg fuck."

"I'll take it that you're awake," she deadpanned. "I need you to flip Ichijou-san off the bed."

"Why?" The boy grumbled.

"Because I like my space."

"Oh. Okay," Shiki shuffled and muttered a little. There was a slight cough as he moved.

"You know I can hear you two, right?" The corners of Takuma's lip twitched. Rima blinked. When the hell did he wake up? The two were quiet for a minute.

"Do it anyway," Rima instructed blandly. Takuma scrambled to sit up before Shiki got him

"Haha---whoa, whoa, wait! Whoa!---Shiki—NO!"

THUD!

SLAM!

CRASH!

Takuma fell off from the bed with a loud insert all three above onomatopoeias, assuming that that was what those action words were for. He wasn't supposed to fall for that long, considering that it was just off of a bed, though it was a very large and big bed, so he did anyway.

A moment passed when it was silent, then there was a sudden 'shiiiiiiiiiing!!!' noise from down below, somewhere, like that of a sword being drawn from out of the blue. Oh, wait. It WAS a sword being drawn out of the blue. Where the hell does Takuma keep all these large hard objects?

Shiki bounded off the bed instantly, picking up Rima's lithe body as he did so. Rima threw him a wild stare, opening her mouth when a cry of a crazy bastard cut her off.

"OOOOOOH, IT'S ON! BRING IT, BITCHES! THIS IS WAR!" Takuma rose ominously, silhouetted by moonlight, the wicked grin on his face matched by the katana gleaming in his hand. Instead of impaling them, however, he chose to use them in a skewer-like fashion, stabbing several pillows with the sword and snatching them off the blade with his other hand. Takuma cackled.

"PILLOWFIGHT!!"

"SHUT UP!" Shiki gritted, his teeth clenched as they tried to hold on to the drama. He was hit in the face with a pillow, followed by Takuma's laughter.

"AHA! Got you, Shiki!" He beamed.

The brunet turned to face the older vampire, and, as if on cue, somebody backstage (probably Rido, the parental child-stalker) flung him a brick of red cement. He caught it with ease, playing with it as he tossed it up in the air and caught it again. He eyed Takuma rather predatorily. The blonde paused mid-leap, gulping, as with his other hand, Shiki summoned a blood whip. Rima popped up from under the bed, whipped a crowbar crackling with electricity out of nowhere with a bored expression on her face, and stood beside Shiki. Takuma edged away, holding tightly unto his sword and pillows.

"Oh, shit," the older blonde vampire commented simply.

.-.-.-.-.

Zero looked outside the window of Kaname's study hauntingly, his body standing stiff and dark against the heavy drapery that kept the bright sunlight from the unlighted room. He wasn't just checking the weather forecast or anything like that, he was waiting for something. He had on a grave expression.

His cell phone rang, suddenly. He looked at in all seriousness, stripping the phone from his pocket and flipping it open in stylish danger.

"What?" he hissed, forgetting himself for a moment.

"I'm sorry, man," the person replied in remorse.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't do it."

"What?" Zero asked once again, bewildered. Secretly, he was expecting this. "Why not?"

"Because… because they're just too damn hard to beat, okay!?" the man replied hysterically. "You can't fight something that pretty!"

"Oh for Pete's sake—you can't be a damn pansy all the time. I realize that you have below average grades in Vampire Hunting School, but you're supposed to be substituting for me. And me, Nicholas, Iloathe vampires, no matter how pretty they are, because if you'll understand, Shizuka should be on a fucking Playboy spread but that didn't stop me from kill---wait, hold on, incoming call."

He grit his teeth at the interruption of his lecture, pressing a button on the phone. "Talk."

"Y'know, I don't understand why you want to stay with a Kuran. Are you going gay on us?"

"What?" Zero paused, his eyes crinkling. "Who is this?"

"Your mom."

"You bastard. We've never even met before." The silver-haired hunk chided, promising to kick his ass later. Whoever he was. "Seriously, who is this?"

"I'm that guy who was guarding the Vampire Hunter's Building. Remember, where the book exploded? Yeah, it didn't happen yet, but I thought I'd just let you know."

"Oh my fucking God. What chapter are we in, because the time skews have got me off on what I should know and should not know."

"Somewhere between Ichijou's birthday party and all them vamps heading over to Aidou's mansion where it's all snowy and shit."

"Alright then—wait, incoming call." Zero muttered, pressing another button. "What?"

"Is that any way to greet your teacher, huh, punk?"

"Who the hell is this?"

"Oh, so you don't remember me now, huh?"

"Yagari-sensei?" Zero asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, punk."
"How'd you get my number? I didn't know you have a phone, much less that you could even use one. You hate technology. They had to pay you to stop using the crossbow---"

"Yeah, but see. This thing is the shit. I customized it and everything. Y'know my ring tone? Yeah, it's badass. It says "FREEZE! L.A.P.D!" And the dumbasses actually fall for it—"

"Okay, that's great. Wait, I have another caller on hold." Zero mumbled deliberately, pressing a button. "What is it now?"

"HOW DO YOU USE THIS DAMN THING?!" The person shouted hysterically.

"Nicholas, that damn thing is a sword. What do you think?"

"I think that it's really silly that they put ME in YOUR position. I can't pull off the damned tickle-me-emo thing that you do!"

"Thanks," The silver haired hunk replied sarcastically.

"No, I'm serious! Why did you leave, anyway? What the hell are you doing, man?!"

"Okay, first of all, what I'm dealing with now is VERY disturbing, mmm'kay? So don't bitch to me, mmm'kay?"

"GAAH! HE'S COMING!"

"Don't panic, retard! Stab him with the damned sword!"

"Oh no! Shit! 911! HELP!!"

"Drop the fucking phone, Nicholas---wait, hold on---"

"NO! ZERO, WHAT'S THE EMERGENCY 911 NUMBER IN JAPAN?! ZERO!"

"There's someone on the other line." Zero explained shortly and pressed a button, immediately cutting the person off.

"What do you want?"

"Zero, please open the door."

"Who is this?"

"It's Yuuki."

Zero paused. "No."

"Ah, Zero." Yuuki groaned at the speaker, stretching his name. There was an awkward shuffling noise. "Come on, we're supposed to stick together here and—"

"Hold that thought, somebody's calling."

"What?"

Zero pressed a button, rudely interrupting her. "I'm having a deeply emotional conversation at the moment. Say it quickly."

"Emotional Conversation? You? I'm laughing,"

"Who is this?"

"Really, are you that forgetful? Must you ask that question everytime?"

"Oh, Yagari-sensei," Zero mulled at the thought of his teacher waiting on the other side of the phone all that time.

"So, what's happening over there?"

"Sues, again. Do you know any pink-haired devil woman? She claims you trained us together."

"The only one I trained or attempted to train with you was your idiot brother. I ain't no sissy taking no punk ass spoiled pink-haired princess baby shit."

There was a sudden knock

"Kiryuu-kun, open up." Kaname's voice had smoothly traveled over the tightly packed particles of the solid mass of the cement, and because of retarded science that stated that sound was actually amplified most by solids; the voice had gotten ridiculously louder.

"Who was that?"

"Kuran," Zero had spoken spitefully into the microphone.

"What?"

"I said—"

"I heard you, idiot. What does he want?"

"You want me to ask him." That wasn't a question. More like a bluffing statement."

"Well, what do you think he wants?"

"Probably for me to open the door—hold on, there's another person calling."

"How the hell did you suddenly have so many friends?—"

Zero pressed a button. "Talk."

There was another knock from Kaname.

"I suppose that was Kuran, huh?" the person from the phone spoke up all of a sudden, snorting.

"Who are you?"

"I'm the guy, remember? I'm not important enough to have a name."

"Oh, right. How did you hear the knock?"

"I have no life and so I try very hard. What does he want with you?"

"It's complicated."

"Well, hold your ground. Don't open the door, dammit."

"Mhhm. Hold on." Zero pressed a button again. "Yeah?"

"I… I did it…"

"Who is this?"

"I DID IT! Can you believe it, Zero!? I actually, finally beat the virtual vampire!"

"Nicholas, huh? Good for you."

"After all my years of training, I can finally finally go be a—"

"---vampire hunter." Zero finished for him.

"No, I didn't finish Vampire Hunter School yet. But I can finally be a Level 3!"

"What did you do to the virtual vampire?"
"I unplugged the plug from the socket. So, what're you—"

There was a knock at the door again.

"What was that?"

"Kuran," Zero answered for the third time.

"WHAT!?"

"I said—"

"I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID! HE'S THE VAMPIRE KING! I'm a totally big fan—"

"Kiryuu-kun, are you going to tell everyone about this?" Kaname had called from the door patiently, rolling his majestic eyes.

"Ignore him," Zero muttered into the phone.

"Zero, whatever you do, don't piss him off."

"Whose side are you on?"

"I heard that," Kaname interjected, smirking a little.

"No, it's just because Kaname Kuran is glorious. Have you ever seen him before? He'd totally be my idol if he wasn't a vampire. Oh shit, can you get me his autograph---"

"Uh-huh." Zero muttered in a sarcastic tone, ending the subject. "Hold on, there's an incoming--"

"---BYE KANAME!"

"—call." Zero finished, the word trailing on his lips. He paused to gaze at the doorway. Stupid pureblood converting future Vampire Hunters into Vampire Fanatics. He grumbled hatefully to himself, pressing a button on the phone at the meantime.

"Yeah?"

"I just came to say, whatever you do, don't give in to the fucking vampire, okay?"
"Who is this?"

"Dammit, boy. You're ruining the mood. Anyway, you're supposed to be my student. So don't damage the name."

"Is that all? I have an incoming call again—"

"Wait, no, I'm supposed to lecture you right now on—"

Zero pressed a button. "Talk."

"Get off of the phone, Kiryuu. I am getting tired of this game."

"Who is this?"

"Oh, for the love of my dead parents."

"Kuran? Why the hell are you talking to me---!?"

"That's great. Let me finish."

"Hold on," Zero mumbled angrily, "There's someone calling me again—"

"Don't you dare."

"Oh please," Zero snorted, pressing a button on the phone again and bringing it to his cramping ear. "Who is this?"

"It's Yuuki! Who are you talking to!? Because this dilemma is more important that any stupid Vampire Hunter Conversation that—"

"Your brother."
"What?" Yuuki's voice paused on the phone.

"I said—"

"Nu-uh."

"Yuh-huh. I mean, yes."

"Oh. Really? Wow."

"Yeah."
"Hold on, I'll call him."

"Aren't you two in the same room?"

"…actually, I'm in the bathroom. I was in the hot tub before you sealed off all the doors---"

"I don't want to know."

"Alrighty, then. I'm putting you on hold."

Zero shrugged his shoulders before the phone line dropped, finally being allowed time to crack his necks and whatnot. His phone rang in just a few seconds, though.

"Yeah?"

"It's Kaname, before you can even ask. Who did you rudely interrupt our call to talk to?"

"Yuuki," The silver-haired hunk said simply. "She's calling you right now."

The phone line was dead before Zero could even blink. Finally, again, time to deliberate on how and why he fucking hated vampires so much. His phone rang again.

"Zero! I can't call nii-san!"

"He's supposed to be calling you right now."
"What?" Yuuki blinked, her voice now easing up a bit.

"I said—"

"No, no. I heard you, I was just surprised. Then I guess I'll hang up now—"

"Hold on," Zero interrupted her and pressed a button on his phone once more. "Hello?"

"Yuuki's line is busy." Kaname's voice came. "Did you—"

"Yes."

The pureblood sighed. "This is getting ridiculous. Open the damned door now."

"No. Do you know how long it took for the cement to dry?" Zero replied agitatedly.

"Yes, I've had to go to the bathroom all this time." Kaname answered, irritated as well. "And I'd prefer it if my little sister isn't cemented in it."

"The answer's still no."

"Like it's your choice." And that was the only time Kaname had ever snorted. "I gave you options. Now I'm tearing it down."

There was a growled "DAMMIT!" from Zero before the cement wall had been mercilessly demolished.

"Excellent," said Kaname as he polished off invisible lint from his silk-robed shoulder, looking down on Zero emerging from the rubble, "Now, please excuse me. And please get rid of your supply of add-water-and-stir cement."

Zero grumbled. And because Kaname then threatened to punt him all the way to the Sues' rooms, he actually did so. But this didn't stop him from building a fort and arming it by stripping himself of metal and making weapons out of anything he could find after both purebloods went to sleep.

.-.-.-.-.

Early the next morning, the majority of the Night Class had gathered once again in Kaname's suite, this time having dared to sneak into the hallway, thankfully unsentried by rampaging Mary Sues. Even perfect girls needed beauty sleep. So, dragging a bedraggled and rather confused Seiren with them, they had sojourned to Kaname's door, barging in and causing Zero to jump and load his gun in a record 0.03 seconds.

"It's almost time," Aidou yawned. It had not been a good night. Two men did not sleep well together in one bed, no matter how large, especially since the second one was a damn giant. Eventually somehow during the night he had unconsciously crawled out of his cousin's unscented bed and into his own lavender-scented one, grabbed the nearest soft thing and snuggled to sleep. Kain had woken him in the morning by twisting his arm over so hard it cracked. It was all good now, though---thank them vampire genes.

"So, how do we go about this?" Takuma questioned, picking imaginary lint off of his pristine suit. He had slept well. Or, rather, he had been knocked out fifteen seconds after Shiki and Rima launched themselves at him, but at least nobody had given him a wake up call via breaking his arm at the godforsaken early hours of the evening. "I suggest we go in pairs. Or, as pair-y as we can get. They're less likely to attack us if we're with girls, aren't they?"

Takuma then beamed and threw an arm around a still clueless Seiren, and Yuuki smiled happily up at her brother. Shiki was still sleeping on Rima's shoulder. At this observation, there was a sudden movement as Aidou leapt over five people to land beside Ruka, accidentally knocking her over, clutching the girl's arm.

"You did that, but you knew that I'd already have said no, right?" The beautiful, platinum (once gold-auburn-chestnut) haired vampire girl said in a scornful tone.

"First come, first serve," he snapped at her, to the amusement of most. For the second time this morning, the blond was pinned with a look of deepest loathing from his cousin. At least this one ended faster---and with no broken appendages.

"Ruka, do you have any objections?" Kaname questioned. The girl paused, cocked her head and sighed.

"Fine, Hanabusa. You better use your sparkly ass to keep that red-haired devil woman away from me, though. I will not tolerate last night's…incident again."

"Done deal," said sparkly-assed blonde nodded enthusiastically.

.-.-.-.-.

It wasn't that bad, really. Not so much with the half mutant Day Class girls, raging and trying to chase Takuma fangirlishy in a horde of half bats and half fishes, being more forceful and evident as possible with their newfound animal powers. Though it got much, much worse when one of the half bat-girls discovered how to fly by flapping her right bat ear, and then told another girl. Then one thing led to the other, and before you knew it, they were chasing him with their right ears flapping wildly at the air like broken helicopters, putting Dumbo the Giant-eared Fluttering Elephant to shame.

But at least everyone was still alive, right? They survived, and that was a very good thing. And the Chairman had promised that if they just continued to live their normal, vampire angst high school lives shoujo romance the same, then the Sues would tire and all would be well.

Or course, no one had this much optimism than Seiren— err, Takuma. Speaking of which, what did happen to Seiren? Takuma looked around. He could have SWORN she was JUST right beside him. Maybe with her crazy tracker/assassin skills she'd seen Princess Mizuki a mile away and used same said crazy tracker/assassin skills to escape him. Takuma frowned. Well that's unfortunate.

Takuma fidgeted nervously. The group had left the Moon Dorms about an hour ago, and were currently a few feet away from the gates that would allow them to pass to Cross Academy while the Day Class swarmed by the sidelines. Beside him stood the group of Kain, Aidou and Ruka, Aidou perfecting his charming smile as Ruka pointedly ignored him, with Kain as the supervisor, ready to pull the two apart---or rather, pull Aidou apart---should anything inappropriate happen. Aidou had latched onto Ruka's arm and whined the entire time to the gate, and had only recently regained his elegance, snatching Ruka's books in what he decided was a gentlemanly fashion and slinging his arm over the annoyed girl's shoulders. On Takuma's other side were Shiki and Rima, being Shiki and Rima. There was nothing usual about them hanging with each other. In front of Takuma stood Kaname, looking all pureblood and regal and all that jazz. Yuuki promised she would show up to class later, because despite the fact that she was Kaname's sister and all, she was still a Prefect, because the reality rips screwed time over, confusing the bloody hell out of Zero, who was hanging with her and kind of wanting to kill her at the same time. Takuma took a deep breath, glancing around before fixing his eyes on the gate, just waiting for something bad to happen. He knew the second those things swung open, evil in the form of devilishly perfect women would greet them. Or, at least until Day Class girls caught on again and started ambushing them in dimly lit corners of the gardens.

"Hey," Shiki suddenly appeared without the need of an entrance, obviously still half-asleep, muttering half-heartedly, "What's up, Ichijou?"

"I feel uneasy, Shiki." Takuma confessed. "You know, like how you get around male actors like Klint Eeestwood and Jawrj Cluenee? Yeah, like that."

Shiki eyed him. "Why are you speaking like that?" he asked, like he could SEE how Ichijou was spelling the names he was saying, but he's Shiki so maybe he can.

"For copyright purposes," Ichijou informed him.

"Hn," said Shiki, because he's really creative. The gates began to open, and Takuma swallowed nervously. Striding in step next to the indifferent boy, Takuma smiled guiltily.

"Well, at least it's not so bad as how you get around Tom Krooz ."

"That's not fair," Shiki made a face. "His thing is fucking insane." His mouth opened again when he knew that Takuma was just going to have to comment on that one.

"Shut up, Ichijou. Please."

"But I still feel really uneasy, though." Takuma continued anyway, forgetting all past conversation. Being Takuma, and my writing style, he just had to pause like that because he was going to add something to it. Shiki shrugged and shuffled away to hide behind Rima as Day Class cheers and the faces of Yuuki and Zero appeared. The gate clanged open. Aidou screamed.

The Sue-girls stood in a small group right in front of the gate, and Takuma was surprised they were all looking decent, quite pretty in uniform. Ginerva was the closest to the gate, and had French braided the longer loose strands around her face and pinned them to the back of her head, where the rest of her hair was scrunched up. Princess Mizuki stood by her, chatting, with all her waterfall of blonde hair tied up in a high ponytail, styled and curled to perfection. Nahano and Akuras had their backs to the gate. Akura had her hair pulled up in a fashionably messy bun on the back of her head, a few loose, curly strands falling to her shoulders, but Nahano's hair was as normal, and Aidou gulped. Mikako had taken her long pink hair down in a cascade of pink waves, and had a white headband with a massive red rose on the side hold it back from her face. Finally, in the middle of the group, there was a girl they had not yet met.

"Kaname," Takuma sidled up to the Big Man slowly, "Who's that?"

"That," the pureblood replied sadly, "Is my Sue."

The girl looked a few years older than the others, and more mature. She had thick, ash-navy hair in two loose braids, and bangs that curled at eyebrow-height, with eyes such a pale blue they were almost white, like them Hyuugas. But she wasn't a Hyuuga, so they weren't white. She was Sayaka Mochizuki.

Princess Mizuki was the first to spot the Night Class walking through the gates, probably because the screams of Day Class girls who were still human escalated 50 decibels. With a happy gasp, she started to dash for Takuma, who winced and prayed for Seiren (a prayer that went sadly unanswered), but Sayaka, fulfilling her prophesized role of Leader, frowned and grabbed her arm. With an apologetic smile, she waited until Takuma was near before bowing deeply.

"Ichi-kun," she said sweetly, "I'm so sorry for yesterday, I was a little nervous. Would you allow me the pleasure of walking to school with you?"

"Erm," said Takuma, his head whipping around searching for a head of silver hair. "Er, I suppose so, Mizuki-san."

"Teehee!" said Mizuki, looping her arm through his and shooting sly smiles at the Ichijou Fangirls who proceeded to hiss at her. With rueful glances at said fan club, Takuma permitted himself to be escorted down the cobblestone pathway, passing a distressed looking Zero, who was trying to inch away from Mikako without seeming impolite. Or really, without killing her. Zero didn't care much about politeness, only how much the Chairman went Hunter on his ass for killing a Sue.

Ginerva, instead of launching herself at Shiki, instead approached Ruka, who was snorting at the way Aidou was hiding behind her.

"Hi," she smiled prettily at Ruka, "I'm Ginerva Genesis, you can call me Ginny."

Ruka blinked, assessed her, and replied curtly, "Ruka Soen."

"Friends?" Ginny offered her hand to Ruka. Ruka stared at the blue-haired girl incredulously, but manners propelled her to take said hand, to the collective groan of everyone else present. Ginny bounced, clapped, snatched Ruka (to a furious yelp from Aidou) and began discussing clothes. As much as Ruka loved clothes, she wasn't distracted enough not to catch Ginerva winking at Nahano and Akura, both of whom promptly attacked.

"Miss me?" Akura smiled at Kain. The redhead started down at his fellow redhead.

"I'm sorry, not really," he replied as politely as such a REJECTED line would allow.

"Well, that's alright. We can work on that. Like Mizu-chan said, sorry about yesterday. We were all a bit excited, we didn't mean to frighten you, or freak you out or anything."

Kain, being Kain and much too kind and forgiving, shrugged. "That is fine. I'm assuming you know who I am?"

"Yes. And in case you didn't catch it, I'm Akura Neos."

"Aa."

Catching his gaze, Akura followed it to where Ruka was trying to rid herself of a blue-haired ball of bipolar. Seriously. The girl was all emo the day before, and suddenly she was more chipper than Mizuki and Mikako and Yuuki on a good day combined.

"You look like you want to go save her or something. Ginny doesn't bite. Serious."

Kain looked down at the Ruka replica smiling up at him and sighed. Ruka needed more friends---not counting himself, Aidou and Rima---and who better than…a crazy blue-haired Sue?

"We'll be late for class," he said in a bored tone, and started walking. Akura smiled evilly to herself and followed with a bounce in her step, sweeping by Ruka and shifting until she was half an inch away from Kain. She grinned at the scandalized look on Ruka face, and frowned when the platinum blonde was distracted from being mentally pwned by Aidou's terrified shriek.

"Hanabusa!" Ruka hissed, shaking Ginerva off and stalking towards Aidou, "Get a hold of yourself! For goodness sakes, there are people around!"

Ginny took this opportunity to sneak towards Shiki and glomp him from behind. Though Rima looked scandalized, she was tired from beating Takuma's ass the night before, and left him choking to fend for himself.

Aidou blinked and looked around at the Aidou Fanclub, most of which had ignored his immature, desperate cries for help and were throwing their books and homework at Nahano. The black-haired girl glared at Ruka as she approached.

"What the hell are you doing here? Go away, you hag."

Aidou's eyes widened as the Day Class oooohed. Uh-oh. Catfight.

Ruka drew herself up to her full height, eyes suddenly adopting a rather malevolent glint. Before Nahano could react, Ruka had slapped the girl sharply across one cheek so hard she got whiplash, then backhanded her across the other, two crisp snapping sounds sounding in the air. Aidou suspected Ruka might have broken his Sue's cheekbone. Or both.

"Remember your place," the blonde said coldly as Nahano stared up at her with watery eyes. Turning away with a disgusted flip of her hair, she snatched Aidou's arm as Nahano ran past, wailing, "Akuraaaaaaa…!"

The redhead ahead of them turned to catch her short best friend, shooting Ruka a vicious glare as Rima moved up to stand beside her friend.

"She's coming towards us," the model commented dryly, observing the rather annoyed look Kain was giving his cousin.

"You're not going to go help Shiki?" Ruka questioned, pulling her hair over a shoulder. Both turned to watch Shiki walking steadily forward with a half-asleep expression, dragging a hyperactive Ginerva on his back, acting like he didn't even know she was there. Rima turned back to Ruka, who shrugged as Akura neared. The redhead set her hands on her hips and went all up in Ruka's face.

"Hi. What was that for?"

"She's crazy," Ruka replied flatly. "She scares Hanabusa shitless."

"Don't swear, Ruka, it's unsightly."

"Shush, Rima."

"If Hanabusa had some balls like Suki-kun, he's turn around and scare her right back," the redheaded Ruka clone snorted. "It's called slapstick comedy, bitch."

Rima coughed. "I'm going to…go over there. See you, Ruka."

"Thanks. You're a fantastic friend."

"No problem. I want a copy of your French notes."

"You got it," Ruka said dryly as Rima detached herself from the impending catfight and went to join the rest of the class, who were all ignoring the scene and trying to get inside a building as fast as possible. Except Kain, who was looking back, seeming worried, but he had a sobbing, traumatized Hanabusa to deal with.

"Bring it, redhead," Ruka cocked a hip. Akura scowled, jumping at Ruka, and scrambled back as Ruka shot a blast of air at her face with a twist of her wrist. Before Akura could rebound, another voice sounded behind them:

"Ah. Kitty has claws."

Akura stiffened, and Ruka turned. A tall vampire in a Night Class uniform stood behind her, shirt unbuttoned, one hand in his pocket. He had golden hair with caramel highlights swept back from his brow in a neat coif a la Dr. Chase from House. Ruka eyed him appraisingly. She'd never seem him before, so he was new, but nobody had ever heard of a male Sue before and Ruka wasn't sure of if such a species existed, so she supposed he was just some rich boy she'd never met before and therefore predominantly safe. Akura frowned, stood, brushed off and ran towards Kain. Ruka continued staring at the newcomer as Zero and Yuuki finished clearing the all too excited Day Class from the peripheries of the cobblestone pathway towards the Sun Dorms.

"Man, I hate her," he grinned at her charmingly. Ruka blinked.

"You just met her," she replied, brushing her skirt off and starting to walk towards the Academy again. The handsome stranger grinned, and quickly followed.

"And when, may I ask, did you meet her?"

Ruka frowned. "…yesterday."

"A-ha." He leaned over and grinned in her face. She let out a weak smile.

"Okay, I see your point. They're quite easy to hate."

"I knew it."

"I don't even really know most of them," Ruka admitted, nearing the group. Akura was bitching about her to Kain, who was pointedly ignoring her, Nahano was crying on Aidou, who was also crying, and Princess Mizuki was beaming up at a nervous-looking Takuma. The pink-haired girl was still chasing Zero Kiryuu around, and Shiki and the blue-haired girl had collapsed at the side of the road.

"Rima," Ruka called, and pointed to Shiki. With a bored roll of the eyes, Rima headed over and slung his arm around her shoulders, to the loud protests of Ginny.

"That's…Ginerva Genesis," Ruka said to the golden-haired newcomer beside her, making use of her excellent memory. "The redhead is Akura Neos, the crazy crying girl is Nahano Kitamura Rachel Gray Unlimited, and psychopath on Takuma-sama is…um, Princess Mizuki Tsunami…Sarah…Elizabeth Taylor Hanaki," she finished with a little effort, looking kindly upon her companion. He grinned.

"Her name's not really Mizuki Tsunami whatever-whatever," the charmingly handsome boy said.

"What?" Ruka blinked at him.

"It's really Reneesme," he replied, "But who would want a stupid name like that?"

"I see your point. How on Earth did you know that? You're new, aren't you?"

"I'm her twin brother."

Ruka almost walked into a tree. Composing herself, she looked at him closer. Sure enough, one of his eyes was a deep molten gold, and the other a dark, rich blue. Ruka sighed, turning away.

"And I thought you were decent," she said accusingly. He put his hands up.

"I am, I swear," he said quickly, "I voted for the family to disown her!"

"Family? There's MORE of you?!"

"Weird, isn't it?"

Ruka sighed, and ran a hand through her platinum-blonde hair. "I didn't know there were male Sues, or I would have avoided you like the Plague."

"There weren't," he replied. "But we're having a bit of a population crisis back in Sueland, what with losing all our women to you people."

"People are really falling for them?"

"You know, I'm not really sure what goes on when they leave Sueland. They either make the catch, die, or stay anyways. One of the court ladies recently decided she was going to be a ninja, so she traveled over to the ninja world and tried to seduce some hottie and the guy's real girl showed up and is currently kicking her ass up and down the skyline. Her name was Karin."

"Huh."

"Yeah. It's pretty weird stuff. Oh, my cousin came with me, by the way...lazy ass, no idea where he's gone off to. My father decided someone who wasn't Nene---Reneesme---Mizuki---ugh, my sister, had to carry on the Royal Line, and he tagged along because he was bored."

"Royal---you're royalty?"

"Of course," he grinned and swept a bow, accosting Ruka's hand and kissing it. "Prince Tsutomu Hanaki, at your service. At least Nene isn't making up the princess part, right?"

"Huh," Ruka replied, a little dumbfounded. At this moment, Aidou turned from trying to ward Nahano off, spotted the two at the back of the group, and poked Kain.

"Akatsuki," he nudged, "Look."

Kain turned, and frowned.

"Who's he?"

"I don't know," Aidou replied, batting at Nahano, "I don't like it."

Just at the moment the Day Class finished clearing out, Sayaka looked like she was about to approach Kaname. Yuuki swiftly leapt over and whacked the Sue Leader upside the head with Artemis. The girl frowned at the pureblood, before smiling wanly at Kaname and running over to pull her fellow Sues off their men so she could tramp towards the main Academy doors looking loved and popular.

"Where's Kiryuu?" Kaname asked Yuuki. Yuuki grinned.

"Zero thought he could escape the cotton candy Lolita girl by taking Day classes instead of coming with us. So she switched courses. I suspect he'll be switching here soon. More protection, see."

Kaname frowned in an amused way, putting an arm around his little sister. As the Sues regrouped and entered Cross Academy, an ominous sound echoed from the building as it began turning a rosy tint of pink.

"What is that sound?" Yuuki asked nervously, entwining her arm around her brother's.

"That," Kaname said grimly, "Is the sound of canon being raped."

"Oh. I thought it was the theme song to the anime." Yuuki said.

"Same thing."

"Right."

.-.-.-.-.

"Ruka, who is this?"

Ruka looked up as Aidou plopped down on the desk in front of her, eyeing Tsutomu suspiciously.

"This is Tsutomu Hanaki," Ruka replied with a flip of her hair. "Princess Mizuki's brother. He's the heir to Sueland. He's not dangerous," she added quickly as Aidou bared his teeth at him.

"Huh," the blond vampire lord said stiffly. "Hey, I think I hear Rima calling for you. Go help her with Shiki?"

Ruka raised a platinum-blonde eyebrow at her childhood friend, but nonetheless obeyed, making sure to walk a large perimeter around Akura Neos, who had sat her little butt down on Ruka's normal seat next to Kain. As soon as Aidou thought she was out of immediate hearing range, he fixed his blue eyes on Tsutomu.

"Stay away from her," Aidou snapped. "She's---"

"Yours?"

The blond flushed, before regaining his compure. "That is so not what I was going to say. She's his," Aidou pointed at his cousin. Tsutomu arched a royal eyebrow.

"But he has the redheaded bitch."

Aidou chortled before he remembered who he was talking to. "Yeah, well, he doesn't want the redheaded bitch."

"Maybe he should tell her that."

"He won't. He's too nice. But the point is---" Aidou paused, one ear twitching as Ruka neared. He stood up quickly.

"I'm watching you," he muttered with finality. Tsutomu inclined his head with a smile as Ruka returned with Rima, sat back down, and crossed her arms at Aidou.

"Terrorizing Hanaki-san, Hanabusa? Shame on you."

"Of course not, Barbie," Aidou grinned, snatching a lock of her bright blonde hair and kissing it, causing Ruka to blush and swat at him. "Why would I do such a thing? See you later, Ruka. Hanaki."

Her blond friend beamed at her cheerfully and turned. Immediately his expression shifted and he left with a frown, heading back to the place he abandoned near Kain.

"Shoo," he told Akura, Nahano, Mizuki and Ginny, who had gathered around the Kain/Shiki/Takuma/Aidou table. When they didn't budge, he hissed at them. "I'm serious," Aidou snapped, "I'll deal with your bullshit later, leave us alone. Go fret about your leader or something."

Trading blank glances, the Sues obliged and left the table as Yagari entered to teach the class. Most of them did go to Sayaka, who was reading a book near Kaname and being hissed at by Yuuki, but Mizuki turned halfway and bounded for her brother instead.

"Nice, Aidou," Shiki muttered from the safety of his arms. Takuma grinned fondly down at him, before looking up at Aidou.

"Did you hear that almost-catfight earlier?" Takuma beamed. Aidou cocked his head.

"Which one?"

"Redhead."

"Yeah, I heard that."

"It was like…" Takuma's eyes were glittering. "It was like, Sakura vs. Karin."

"Or Namine vs. Kairi," Shiki added dully. He had gotten up in the middle of night after Rima and Takuma were asleep to explore the world of Kingdom Hearts.

"Or, you know, Ruka vs. Akura," Aidou said lightly.

"Who's Karin?" Kain asked. He was promptly hit in the face with all currently published volumes of Naruto Shippuuden.

"We have a problem," Aidou leaned in, prompting his fellow males to do the same. "Male Sues."

He was blinked at.

"Come on, guys!" Aidou frowned. "They're going to steal the girls. I mean, seriously. I was just over there and Ruka's being nice."

"Maybe she caught my OOC last night," Shiki's muffled voice offered.

"Not likely," Takuma frowned as Seiren suddenly appeared and made a beeline for Kaname, "Aidou-kun, they're not stupid."

Just then, another tall, lankly figure followed her in. A few tables back, Tsutomu leapt up.

"Hey, Haruna, man! What's up?"

"'Tomu," the newcomer yawned, to the utter distaste of Yagari.

"You're Haruna Ryuji Tsukiyomi the Third, then?" the vampire hunter gnawed at the butt end of a cigar, examining his suddenly doubled class roster. "Sit your ass down, boy. We're starting in fifteen minutes."

Tsutomu's male Sue cousin yawned and walked right by Yagari to plop down by Rima at the Ruka/Tsutomu table,and promptly fall asleep. There was silence at the Kain/Shiki/Takuma/Aidou table for a second, before Takuma said in a frightened whisper, "Dude…Shiki, it's you…"

"No, he only acts like Shiki," Aidou said in a slightly frightened voice. "But, Akatsuki…doesn't he look…familiar?"

Kain turned and stared at Haruna, whom Ruka was also staring at with a strange expression. Haruna had long, inky black hair tumbling around his shoulders to mid-back, a long, sculpted face and nose, pale skin, and currently half-lidded dark blue eyes lined with long black lashes. The redhead turned back around and stared at Aidou.

"Ruka's second oldest brother," he deadpanned as Ruka seemed to also reach that conclusion and whisper to Rima.

Aidou blanched. "Azuma Soen…? Oh, Lord. Didn't Rima have a crush on Azuma a few decades ago?"

That woke Shiki up.

"This is a problem," Takuma said grimly as he grabbed Shiki's arm for good measure.

"The black-haired guy looks like Azuma and acts like Shiki," Aidou said in a scared voice. "And the brown-haired guy…he's tall like Kain…he's nice like Kain…he's charmin' like Kain…he's rich like Kain…dude, the only difference is he openly flirts with Ruka, and you know, Akatsuki, I think that's your main problem, you're not vocal enough to her, I mean, she's not stupid, but---oh God, he just gave her flowers. Where did he pull them out from? I don't actually want to know. You know, Akatsuki, flowers would be nice once in a while, right?"

Kain grunted with a frown.

"That's it," Shiki sat up, alert, eyes narrowed and focused on Haruna Ryuji Tsukiyomi III as said person's head rolled over and landed on a surprised Rima's shoulder. "Come on. This isn't funny anymore. This is WAR."

A/N: You can probably tell who writes what in this story, since ShyLikeThat is a predominant comedy writer and I am a predominant angst writer, and I attribute those facts to the fact that she deals with Aidou and Yori, bright, happy people, and I deal with Kain and Ruka who are so emotionless they're like ICE. Another big hint: she says 'Ichijou', I say 'Takuma.'

Open Sub-Writer Spots for the Day Class:

Head of the Takuma Ichijou Fanclub

Head of the Hanabusa Aidou Fanclub

Head of the Akatsuki Kain Fanclub

Head of the Senri Shiki Fanclub

Head of the Kaname Kuran Fanclub

You may name and design your Fanclub President, as well as dictate their personality, actions and thus forth. You will also be called upon in later chapters for Sue-Killing schemes by the Day Class girls.

Spots open for one week (heehee!).

A cookie (and maybe something else?) to the first person to catch all the pop culture references in the story. We'll give you a number hint if you ask nicely. And yes, 'LIFE,' 'George Clooney' and 'Vampire Knight anime' count. We were cheap this time.