DISCLAIMER: I don't own Vampire Knight, Matsuri Hino does, and what that means is I do not have the right to slaughter the characters, plot, and the story in general in order to input myself into the place of a preexisting character so I can be a beautiful mysterious pureblood that entices one of the 2D vampires who don't actually exist who I fantasize about into loving me and in extension killing a bit of the soul of whoever is reading my pointless 100-word ramble.

Oh, also, references to Kingdom Hearts, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, LOTR, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (movie) and by extension the Andrews Sisters, Coraline, THe Wizard of Oz, Moulin Rouge, Alice in Wonderland, Bedtime Stories, Labyrinth, Sleeping Beauty, That 70s Show, Queen, Elton John, Joe Crocker and Jennifer Morren, Charlie the Unicorn, Katy Perry and the Microsoft Word Paperclip as well, none of which are ours.

WARNING: A lot of people will be offended because we are stealing their plots and parodying them. And you know what? We don't care.

…

EPISODE ONE

The Sudden Influx.

…

Takuma is walking around the school grounds. He can do that because he's Takuma and he's ancient and he's skipping out on class because he was alive when whatever the History teacher is rambling on about actually historically happened. This entire situation is in place because the genius vampire hunter Kurosu is actually an idiot who doesn't know the vampires on his campus are old and therefore subjects them to History classes.

"Hey Takuma!" says the aforementioned Chairman, who has appeared in a puff of glitter and whatnot. "We have a new student who's transferring and it's officially your job to take care of her every need, because I said so, because you evidently did so well with Maria Kurenai. So here, meet Princess Mizuki Tsunami Sarah Elizabeth Taylor-Hanaki."

He indicated the girl standing next to him.

The girl was gorgeous, to the point where she was almost blinding. She had long golden hair that cascaded to the ground in a tumble of golden curls and waves and her body was every vampire's wet dream. One of her eyes was golden like the sun in a particularly bright spring morning and the other was a deep sky blue that was so deep and enticing that men everywhere tripped over themselves because they lost themselves in the deep blue pool that was her deep right iris. She had a pale heart-shaped face and wore a kimono with jeans and several black leather belts. Why? Because she's a Mary Sue and therefore no logic actually exists in her general creation.

"Hi," she said in a voice that sounded like a lark even though larks have the harshest calling voices in the entire bird kingdom, "I'm Princess Mizuki Tsunami Sarah Elizabeth Taylor-Hanaki. I am beautiful and mysterious and I'm also partly European. My mother is the Queen of France and my father is the most damn powerful man in Japan. I'm a supermodel working in Shiki and Rima's company. There was a horrible tragedy in my childhood and I'm here because ninjas are after me and I need protection. I have the power to defeat any enemy by lifting my pinky. Oh, by the way, I'm also a special class of pureblood that gives me the ability of putting Kaname Kuran to his knees. That's because I'm also part werewolf and part demon and part witch and part mermaid. Don't tell him about me, though. I'm a terrible threat to the existence of the vampire race. And did I mention I'm mysterious and I'm a pureblood?"

"Well damn," said Takuma.

"She's all yours," said the Chairman, and he went off to do things that we don't know about. We'll pretend they're desperately urgent and important.

Takuma didn't really know what to say. But being Takuma and about the nicest rich person you'll ever know, he smiled politely and introduced himself.

"Oh, you don't need to do that," Princess Mizuki said. "I know you! I walked with you once upon a dream!"

"Er, okay," Takuma replied edgily. "Um…this way…to…"

Poor Takuma. There was no escape from the twirling, dancing, hyperactive ball of Plot Hole tacked to his shadow now. Halfway to the main building, Takuma ran into Shiki, almost literally, because he had figured the faster they get to the dorm rooms the faster he could ditch this whack job. Unfortunately Shiki just happened to be in the way.

"What is that?" the black-haired boy said tactlessly, pointing to the glittering golden-haired Princess Mizuki.

"That's Princess Mizuki," said Takuma.

"Oh, right, she's that girl who slept her way into the agency yesterday."

Takuma pretended he didn't hear that. He just…didn't want to know.

"She's the most recent Mary Sue in the grounds," the blond offered, "She's, er…her mom is the Queen of France and her dad's a pureblood, or something."

"The French monarchy was abolished with the execution of Louis XVI during the French Revolution in the eighteenth century," Shiki said dryly.

"Very good, Shiki."

"And I doubt she's a pureblood," Shiki continued, "Every Sue who Kaname-sama has thrown out was actually a human wearing Chanel No. 5. If you want to check, have Zero Kiryuu sniff her or something."

"I am too a pureblood," said Princess Mizuki. "But I'm also part werewolf and part demon and part witch and part mermaid and part unicorn---"

"That's exactly why you're not a pureblood," Shiki deadpanned.

"Wait, unicorn?" Takuma blinked incredulously. "Did you say that before?"

"I think this is getting to the point of ridiculousness," Shiki rolled his eyes and walked away.

"So…uh…where's your luggage?" Takuma asked, trying to distract the fuming princess. The second the words left his mouth, a shimmering, rippling vortex appeared beside the princess.

"Oh God, what is that?!" the golden-haired Sue shrieked.

"It's a plot hole," Takuma replied.

She blinked. "Oh. Well, um…I must have forgotten it. My aquatic maid, who's probably just about as beautiful as you if you were a girl, was supposed to come here and bring it to me..."

"Oh," Takuma beamed brightly. "Well, I'm sure we can solve that problem." He reached into the plot hole of Princess Mizuki's luggage and pulled out thousands and thousands of designer bags that the designers themselves gave to her because she was so awesome.

"I like to stay in fashion," she smirked, her different colored eyes twinkling madly.

"Huh," said Takuma. "Well then…hey, this is a fake!"

Princess Mizuki started waving her arms around like some sort of demented jellyfish. "You didn't see that," she whispered.

Takuma blinked.

"Uh...yes I did."

"No you didn't!"

"…what are you doing?"

"I'm using the power of the Force," she replied like it was common sense. "My father was a Jedi."

"I'm sorry, what?!"

"You don't remember ANYTHING."

"Jedi…don't exist."

Another plot hole appeared, eating the previous plot hole…or melding with it. Either way, it got bigger.

"Crap," said Takuma, "I keep forgetting not to say things like that."

"My life is one gigantic tragic mystery," Princess Mizuki whispered wistfully, tears the size of minivans welling up in her eyes. "Woe is me."

Takuma gave up on life.

"...okay, then. Um...would you like to pull your maid out of the plot hole or would you like me to call ours?"

She glared at him as if he didn't know the obvious. "Honey, if I did that, my maid would so totally kill your maid because she's got like superhuman powers." Her face then changed radically a second later, going in for a soft appeal. "But, if you don't mind me asking, is there any spare room in that big dormitory of yours?"

Takuma blanched at the thought of another superhuman maid and shot a wistful glance at the guest house two thousand miles away from where he would be staying. "I...I suppose there is maybe a room or two. They cleared out after Ruka *accidentally* blew up the last two Mary Sues plaguing Kain."

"What?" she stared at him innocently, completely not understand what he just said.

"...never mind," Takuma suddenly brightened. "I'm sure you'll figure it out soon enough. We have a lovely room between two of our nicest residents, Ruka Soen and Akatsuki Kain. I'm sure you'd love it. This way!"

Takuma almost skipped along to the dorms. The Sue was on his heels, her various pieces of faux designer luggage floating behind her in the air, leaving a massive trail of jagged holes in reality in its wake.

"Here we are. This is the Night Class dorm complex." Takuma waved at the massive building looming before them, leading the Princess in through the white oak doors. The girl giggled.

"Oh, this is almost as big as my room at home!"

The blond vampire blinked, looked around the enormous, lavishly decorated complex, and fought to keep his twitching lip under control.

"That's nice, Princess. If you would come with me, please, and get yourself situated?"

The Princess nodded cheerfully with a sweet smile, running her eyes up and down Takuma. The blonde noticed, and groaned.

"You don't mind if I call you Ichi-kun, do you?" Princess Mizuki asked, batting her eyelashes.

"Actually, I---"

"Thanks, Ichi-kun! We're going to be best friends!"

Great. Monday morning and he's already being stalked by the newest Sue.

"Voila, Princess, this is your room," Takuma pointed at an ornate door between two others. There was another massive rippling vortex in front of it. The girl blinked and pointed. "Is that…?"

"I think that's the plot hole of your existence blocking our way," said Takuma.

"Is it safe to walk through?" the Mary-Sue ventured.

"Well, I'm not sure, since it composes of things like unicorns mating with mermaids…" Takuma's lip twisted. "Maybe you should room with Ruka until we figure out how to get rid of it."

"Hell no." Ruka stormed out of the next room, her golden-brown hair billowing behind her as she marched up to the next door. Princess Mizuki blanched. This girl was prettier than she was! She was going to steal her beloved Ichi-kun away, wasn't she? She was a hussy! Princess Mizuki bristled at the vampire girl. Ruka took hardly any notice as she pushed Princess Mizuki five feet down the hall with a brush of her hand.

"Ruka Soen, first daughter of the House of Soen, sixth child," Ruka said into the plot hole. It emitted a shrill squeal---like that of a pig led to butcher. Ruka ignored it, continuing: "Night Class student at Kurosu Academy, 5'4", Noble First Class…"

"Damn, Ruka," Takuma gazed at her admiringly. "Good idea."

The plot hole of Princess Mizuki's existence begged and screamed for mercy. In this din, Aidou stormed out of the next room.

"Ruka, what the hell---whoa," the blond moved beside his childhood friend, staring into the vortex.

"It's a plot hole," Takuma offered, nodding at Princess Mizuki. Aidou looked like her like she was a three-headed cockroach that had just crawled onto his shoe, before turning back to the plot hole as Ruka declared the lands she was entitled to in the event of her parents' death.

"I've heard of these," Aidou said thoughtfully, "Never seen one up close, though."

"That's because you locked yourself in your room for two weeks until the last of the last batch of Sues were kicked out," Takuma offered as the plot hole gave one last keening noise and popped out of existence.

"There," Ruka glared, pointing at the door. "Get in and leave me alone."

She stormed off into Aidou's open door and slammed it behind her.

"She's in a bad mood," Takuma grinned at Aidou. His fellow blond shrugged.

"Oh, by the way, Takuma," as said vampire lord punted the Sue into the room and locked the door, "The Chairman's sending a bill to Ichiou. He says you and her caused too many rips in reality in that area between the entrance and the main door; Day Class girls are falling in and coming out half-bat half-fish things."

Takuma groaned.

"Great."

"Have fun," Aidou waved as he turned away, "I'm sure she'll break out soon enough."

"Ichi-kun? Ichi-kun, the door won't open. What's wrong with the door, Ichi-kun? I can't see your face through the door, did you know that? Ichi-kun? Oh! I know! With my dragon powers, I can burn down the door! Hold on, Ichi-kun, I'll be right there! Ow! Whoops, sorry, I missed---"

Takuma slapped his forehead and ran to hide.

.-.-.-.-.

Four shadows sat in the darkness of the gargantuan Kain/Aidou suite, illuminated only by the daylight peeking through the curtains and the faint glow of the 70 inch plasma TV screen.

"Takuma-sama, she can't be that bad."

"Oh, yes, she is," Ruka frowned at Kain's back from her belly-down position on his bed.

Takuma nodded furiously. "She was worse than that witch-cat thing that came after Kaname last month."

Kain blanched, sitting on the edge of his bed. "Oh, ouch."

Aidou nodded from in front of the mirror. "I got a look at her. Her eyes are heterochromatic."

"Great. So a twin's going to show up soon?"

"Probably."

The two cousins turned and observed Takuma for another few minutes, before the taller one spoke up.

"Takuma-sama, you've been in here for two hours," Kain said, "I doubt she's still looking for you."

Just then, a shrill, "Iiiiiiiicccccccccchhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnn-nah!!" rang from through the bolted door. Takuma immediately jumped, twitched, and hid behind the TV until the echoes faded away. Kain rolled his eyes when Takuma then proceeded to shoot him an "I Told You So" look.

"Fine," the redhead relented. "Stay."

"You locked the door, Takuma-sama," Ruka muttered, "With me in here, mind you. Is she seriously going to run through wood and about a foot of titanium?"

"I locked her door, too, and if you didn't notice, that didn't get me anywhere."

"Except in here," Aidou commented.

"By the way, Takuma-sama, what are you doing?"

"Shush!" Takuma hissed quietly with one finger against his lips as the Sue's aura finally dropped to the first floor. His eyes darted around the room, hand tightly clutching a control, a frightened look on his face. You could never be to sure whether or not Mary Sues had the ability to pop wherever they goddamned pleased. "I'm hiding...from IT."

"Yes, I know, Takuma-sama," Kain pointed at the screen. "I mean, what are you playing?"

"Oh." Takuma blinked, and let off a smile. "Kingdom Hearts 2, it's a really big game right now."

Kain stared at him blankly.

"What?" Takuma asked innocently.

"Who's that?" Ruka pointed at a girl with very light blonde hair traversing the screen.

"That's Namine," Takuma replied, visibly more relaxed as he forgot about Princess Mizuki and delved into the world of Kingdom Hearts, "She's Kairi's Nobody."

"I'm sorry, who?"

"What's a Nobody?"

"Kairi," Takuma lifted the case of the game and pointed to a redhead with blue eyes. "A Nobody's what appears when you lose your heart. It's like a part of you except it's separate and…you know what, it's pretty difficult to explain."

"…okay, then."

Suddenly a bright light came from the back of the room. When it receded, the outlines of two figures remained. Takuma screamed, then blinked.

"Oh, good, they're not her."

Kain and Aidou groaned. "Great," the latter whined.

"How did you get in here?" Ruka demanded, swinging her legs around to sit beside Kain, "We locked the door!"

The two girls looked at each other, and then pointed to the shimmering plot hole behind them. Visible through it was the lobby of the Night Class Dorm. Aidou looked horrified.

"They can travel through those now?!"

"Of course we can, Hana-chan!" the black-haired one leapt on him. Aidou responded with a horrified strangling sound. The girl grinned at his expression, landing on his lap and trying to snuggle with him, only to fail horribly. She looked up at him through sparkling albino eyes. Somewhere in the background, a thunderstorm started.

"She looks like Larxene," Takuma commented. Nobody paid him any mind.

"Who the hell are you, shorty?!" Aidou demanded, trying to pry the girl off of him.

"I'm Nahano Kitamura Rachel Gray Unlimited, your worst nightmare and the love of your life because you're masochistic!" she replied darkly. "My mother is a famous strategist from a famous Vampire Hunter Clan!" The plot hole made terrible evil cackling sounds at this, swelling and expanding to about twelve feet in diameter.

"And," Nahano continued smugly, "My father is Haruka Kuran!! That's right!! I'm Kaname's little sister!!"

"Actually, that would be Yuuki," Takuma admonished.

"I'm long-lost," she snapped.

Takuma shrugged. "It's still Yuuki." He was immediately smitten by a massive bolt of lightening.

"Hush, blondie!" the raven-haired Sue snarled. "Anyway," she drawled, turning her albino-eyed gaze to Aidou. He scooted back, only to realize that she was on his lap and even if he moved, she would still be there ON HIS LAP. "Somebody stop her!" Ruka shouted. "The plot hole's widening! At this pace it'll EAT THE WHOLE ROOM!"

"Shut up, lady! I'm trying to admonish a wicked one-liner here!"

"Who are you?" the rapidly recovered Takuma pointed a shaking finger at the forgotten Other Sue standing by the expanding plot hole, who just so happened to look almost EXACTLY like Ruka, but for a few color edits. The girl raised a delicate eyebrow.

"I?" she questioned. "Who am I? The real question is, who are YOU?!" she pointed to Ruka. "I am the original. SHE is the NOBODY!"

Ruka blinked, picked up the case of Kingdom Hearts 2 and raised it to eye level, her amber eyes sliding from the image of Kairi to the flaming red-haired, blue eyed THING pointing at her. "You've got to be kidding me," the Noble muttered dryly. "When did I lose my heart?!"

The plothole grew even bigger.

"Yes, Suki-kun!" the redhead's tirade was now directed at her fellow redhead, "It is I, Akura Neos, whom you love, not this...this FAKE! She's not even right!"

With that, the redheaded Sue darted forward and reached forward, making another tear in reality. She jumped in, Ruka in tow.

"Oh my God!" Aidou screamed, pointing at it. He looked over at his cousin. "It ate Ruka, Akatsuki!"

"Hey!" Kain jumped up, but Takuma leapt forward, latching onto his leg.

"No! Don't follow it! That's exactly what it wants you to do!!"

"Geh!" something fell out of the tear and plummeted into Kain, followed rapidly by 'Akura'.

"What is that?!"

"It's the blonde bitch!"

"No!"

All eyes fixed on Kain.

"It's RUKA!"

"GAH!" Ruka sat up, grabbing a fistful of suddenly platinum-blonde hair. "BITCH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HAIR?!"

Her redheaded twin snarled right back: "I MADE IT RIGHT!!"

"Can we all focus back to meeeee!?" the albino-eyed girl screamed. "I'm lacking too many lines here! And I am on his fucking lap, hello!?"

"Jesus Christ!" Takuma almost made the mistake of crossing himself. "Quick, we have to shove them back into their plot hole!"

With one combined effort, Takuma, Ruka, Kain and Aidou rushed the two Sues. With a scream, they fell through the plot hole back into the lobby, landing on...Princess Mizuki. The golden-haired girl raised her eyes to the plot hole and gasped. "ICHI-KUN!! I FOUND YOU!!"

"Someone close that plot hole!" Kain shouted, getting up. Aidou tried to start reciting his entire ancestry, but before he had gotten past the second generation, all three Sues had managed to get back on their feet and were rounding on the hole.

"There's no time! Hanabusa!"

"RUN!" screamed Takuma. The four darted through the door, Kain at the forefront breaking it down, just as all three Sues shoved themselves back through the hole.

"Fuck this!" Aidou yelled, trying to get ahead of Ruka. The girl growled, shoving him aside.

"I propose we feed Aidou to them," she snarled to the other two males, her now blonde hair whipping them in the faces.

"We've got to stick together!" Takuma shouted. "Where do you we go? Where do we go?"

"In here, quick," a voice came from the right. The four turned.

"Kaname-sama!"

They happily launched themselves into the pureblood's massive set of rooms. Kaname closed the door, locked it, bolted it, and covered it with ice and several layers of floor.

"Kaname! Where's Yuuki? Is she safe?" Takuma questioned.

"In the Chairman's office; they're having a budget meeting about how to fix up the plot holes popping up around campus," Kaname replied, moving his wardrobe in front of the double doors. "Ruka, what happened to your hair?"

Aidou snickered at this. "She got PWNED."

Ruka reached forward and promply smacked him upside the head.

"It was Kain's new Sue, Kaname-kun," Takuma huffed, catching his breath, "She thinks Ruka's her Nobody and she's trying to turn her into a sort of Namine. In my opinion, she's the Nobody, and she's just convinced she's the original, like the Riku clone…"

Kaname blinked at him blankly. Kain tossed him the case of Kingdom Hearts 2.

"It's complicated," the redhead summarized.

"You don't say," the pureblood muttered, flipping over the case to read the back.

Aidou ran over to the other side of the room, and then turned and peered back at them. "Hey, guys, are you sure that those goddamned plot holes can't just you know, pop up inside these walls here?"

Kaname looked up. "I plot-hole proofed the walls," he said.

"How?"

"By insulating them with copies of the Vampire Knight manga."

"Smart man."

"Wait…in all fairness, where's your Sue, Kaname?"

Kaname looked up and regarded Takuma thoughtfully.

"Well, because of the regal aura of my character, Sues directed towards myself tend to be made leader of the others, as well as popular, pretty, and most of all smart. When I locked the door to the suite and started stuffing the walls, I believe she gave up and left the building. You'll likely see her tomorrow morning when we go to class."

"Oh, alrighty then," Takuma replied cheerfully.

"That's got to be the longest I've ever heard you speak continuously, Kaname-sama," Ruka commented. Kaname just looked at her.

"See my point?" the brunette turned to Kain, who shrugged.

Takuma shushed her with a grin, before questioning to the pureblood, "Hey, what's her name?"

Said purblood stared at him.

"Nevermind, then."

"Well, we can't just stay here forever." Ruka huffed, folding her arms at her chest. She looked again to Kain for support because he was obviously sweet on her, and her alone. As expected, the redhead nodded.

"What do we do now?"

Kaname sighed and made himself comfortable by the window. "I'm afraid all we can do is wait until Shiki and Rima arrive. The Chairman spoke of more transferees today."

"Damn," said Takuma. "We'd just rid of the last wave a week ago, too."

"What is that crazy man thinking?"

"I bet he thinks this is funny," Aidou snarled.

"He's trying to give them a chance," Takuma wrinkled his nose. "Coexistence and whatnot, like we're doing with the humans. Apparently, back in Sue-land, they have epic fights over who gets to cross over into the sane world and fight for our attentions and things."

Ruka, Kain and Aidou stared at him.

"He is unbalanced," the brunette whispered in awe.

"We should shoot him."

"Cut out his tongue."

"Shoot him, cut out his tongue, then shoot his tongue," Takuma offered. "And trim that scraggly ponytail."

Kaname decided it was time to put his hand down.

"We are NOT a crossover fic!"

"Yes, Supreme Gang Leader, sir!"

.-.-.-.-.

Outside the perimeter of Aidou's shrilly screams and the brightness of Ruka's now platinum blonde hair, Shiki yawned.

There was news spreading around the campus that Mary Sues were in the process of clogging the Academy population and terrorizing the Night Class. At the moment, Shiki didn't really care. And if Shiki didn't find it interesting, then Rima didn't.

At the moment, they were taking a stroll down the asphalt of the Moon Dormitory, because the normally large size of the Night Class' building was getting rather cramped what with all the plot holes forming around it.

Suddenly, a girl walked up from beside a tree, emerging from the darkness.

A Mary Sue, Shiki instantly concluded, what with the way her hair billowed around her head like a possessed spirit, he was surprised it didn't strangle her face by now.

But nevertheless, that was forgiven because she was so goddamned beautiful. She had gorgeous pale blue hair that shone under the moonlit grove, short with long bangs, the flocks of stray hair shaping her round face perfectly. Two bright cat eyes, one the color of emeralds and one the color of jade, stared back at them, and her porcelain skin glowed stupendously in sync with her blue hair. In her right hand she carried her suitcase, and in her left hand she carried nothing.

"Attractive?" Rima pointed to the girl

"Moronic." Shiki corrected.

"I know you better than that," she accused, which made him take another look at her.

"My name is Ginervia Bullo-Fattan Tatsuki Genesis," the blue-haired chick said the second Shiki's head turned. The girl spoke softly, but see, it was a paradox. Even if it was supposed to be soft, it was also loud, because how the hell would they hear her from all the way to the tree? "But you can call me Gigi. I want to go to Germany, but I was raised by my grandparents here in Japan."

"What's the point of saying you want to go to Germany?" Rima was about to say, when she was cut off.

"—I am half witch and half pureblood, but you don't know about that because we had to keep it secret. I can PWN your dad anytime I wanted to, Shiki-kun, so I'm good for your well-being—"

"How did you know my name?"

"I stalk you. Regularly."

Shiki stared at her, almost aghast.

"But anyways, the Council is chasing me because I have chemicals in my body that can make you transform like Barbie on steroids. It's a pain to carry the secrets on how to be gorgeous and powerful. I had a terrible past, so that is why I must angst and be depressed like you guys. Oh, and I can levitate."

"I'm not angsty." Shiki countered weakly, but that was on purpose.

"I can ease your pain, Shiki." Gigi supplied quietly. "I read your mind."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did, because we are connected—"

"Let's ditch her, Shiki."

"Okay."

"I'm transferring here to Cross Academy. I got a scholarship," Gigi added immediately before the two could walk away.

"Oh."

"Shit."

"She's levitating, Shiki!"

"Run fast, Rima!"

.-.-.-.-.

At the same time in the Sun Dorms, Zero's head turned towards a window as screams infiltrated the outside and inside of the school. He tried going to class, but something weird had happened. There were like, little ripples in reality just hanging out with their vortex-voidish friends. And was it just him, or was there… somebody calling out from those? Seriously, there was a girly voice that kept on chanting "Iiiiichiiii-kun… Iiiiiichiii-kun…" like a damned mantra, and there was this second voice too, that kept on cackling, "SHE'S THE NOBODY! SHE'S THE NOBODY!"

For a while, he was freaked out. He didn't know whether the little ripples of reality were just talking to each other, or beckoning some kind of message to him…that Takuma Ichijou was really a girl… and that he was unpopular? What?

But then Zero found out that he didn't really care, because he's Zero and he hates all those silly vampires anyways.

"Zero!"

Said silver-haired vampire hunk turned and stared at the black-haired pureblood bursting out of the Chairman's office. She plummeted head first into her fellow Prefect, before regaining her balance.

Zero stared, completely unaffected by the unsuspecting arrival since it would've happened in the story sooner or later. But he was curious, because she did not burst through the doors, she burst through the wall.

"How the hell did you do that?"

Yuuki ignored his thirst for knowledge.

"Zero, we've got to get out of here!"

"Why do you have long hair, Yuuki?" Zero trailed off, staring at her waist-length locks that grew impossibly fast---about four feet in three days. "And where the hell have you been?"

Yuuki blinked at him. "Oh, didn't I tell you already? I'm a pureblood now."

"No, actually. You forgot to mention that."

"Shush, Zero!" The pureblood girl instantly hushed him, slapping his arm but because she was a pureblood with crazy strength, it hurt like HELL. She scanned the room, making sure that the evil little floating ripples didn't hear him. Her eyes returned back to the silver-haired boy, giving him a panicky look. "Don't speak of confusing canon…the plot holes are listening."

"The what?"

"No, you need to stop asking questions!" Yuuki pleaded, slapping his arm once again. Zero grunted at the awesome powers of the female pureblood. "It's too complicated right now!"

"Hold on a second," Zero held up his hands. "If you're a pureblood, then that means Rido has already wrecked havoc here, which means half the Academy should be destroyed, which means we're not speaking, because if we were I'd be killing you."

"Because of the increase in the number of plot holes and rips in reality floating around the school, time is skewed," Yuuki explained rapidly, "So I'm a pureblood but Rido's still dead and you're not going to kill me."

"That makes sense. What were you going to say?"

"Oh! Right! We got to run, Zero!" Yuuki motioned for him quickly. "There's another set of Sues in the grounds and a few of them have already gotten to nii-sama and the others."

"Good." Zero huffed.

"But Zero! I'm destined to be with Kaname-sama, who's also my brother---"

"I'm sorry, what? Why?!"

"Because the manga says so and because we're both purebloods! Think about it---you might end up being all alone! The Mary Sues love that."

"…"

"You'll die," she added omoniously.

"That makes no sense."

"Because of the plot holes!" Yuuki explained, flailing her arms above her head for extra effect. Her eyes widened suddenly. "Oh no, we've pointed out the obvious too many times now!"

"…"

"They're coming for you, Zero!" she yelled.

"Yuuki, what the hell---"

"Mary Sues and canon rapists, Zero!! And God forbid the slash worshippers are sent by the Yaoi/Yuri Gods before we get rid of the first two!!"

"What?" it clicked. "Oh, shit! Where do we----?"

Zero was cut off as a girl neither had ever seen before this point wandered into the hall that Yuuki and Zero were currently formulating an escape plan in, looking a little lost. However, the second she saw Zero, her massive violet eyes widened.

"Ze-Zero-sempai? I can't…I can't find my room…ne, can you help me, onegai?"

"She found us!" Yuuki shrieked in horror.

The girl smiled sweetly. She had massive pink pincurls as an excuse for hair, tied up in two white frilly bows, the curls cascading to bounce cheerfully around her shoulders. She wore nothing that looked even remotely like the uniform, instead, a semi-Victorian white lace Lolita gown, complete with little pink parasol and a fake stuffed dog. At least, Zero hoped it was fake.

The thing barked at him suddenly.

"The hell is that?!"

"Ne, ne, it smells fear in you." The loli-sue accused innocently, with her massive violet eyes reflecting the fiery rays of the sun which made no sense at all because her eyes were purple.

"Fear has no scent," Zero pointed out. The thing's behind caught on fire.

"Nani, Zero-kun? Are you scared of me?"

"Actually, I kind of am," he admitted edgily.

"It's electrical!" Yuuki gasped all of a sudden, pointing at the thing after the bottom of its ass had started smoking.

"You mean mechanical."

A horrible sound that can only be made by a plot hole or Kaname shrieking girlishly burst into their ears as the thing started self-combusting. The pink-haired girl screamed.

"TOTO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I mean---um---NEEEEEEEE! Or something along those lines!"

Yuuki's eyes darted frantically between Zero muttering about crossed circuits and the smoking 'Toto'.

"Zero! You're making it worse!"

"I think I'm fixing it!"

"Then why is it making that noise?!"

"You'd make that noise too if you were shrinking into oblivion!"

Yuuki glared at him. "Don't you ever accuse me of being able to sound like that ever again."

"Sorry," Zero muttered as the pink-haired girl saved her thing by throwing it into the nearest plot hole to recover from its near-fatal reality check.

"Don't you remember me, Zero-kun?" The Mary Sue titled her head, changing the subject completely. "It's me, Mikako Goldheart! We trained under Yagari-sensei together, remember?"

"No," Zero replied bluntly.

"Of course you wouldn't," big fat tears started pooling in the loli-Sue's eyes. "There was a horrible accident in our youth that traumatized you---"

"Yeah, it was Shizuka slaughtering my family, I remember that perfectly---"

"---and both you and Yagari-sensei were scarred beyond imagination, and I had to erase your memories! Gomenaisai!! I can do that, by the way."

"I remember no such thing―"

"Because I erased your memories, remember?"

"No."

"Aha! It's working!" the Mary Sue insisted brightly.

"You're an idiot―"

"Zero!" Yuuki called in an alarmed tone.

The silver-haired vamp's attention snapped back to the present, and suddenly, he had an idea.

"Yuuki, when I count to three, run."

"Zero-kun, we're going to be koibito! I'll restore your memories and your love for me! I swear on my dead orphaned step-brother's cremated ashes!"

"One."

"We'll live in a cute little chisana with a red roof and a garden full of flowers…and I will take all your pain away…we'll be in love forever and ever, and have seven children and name them after the von Trapps in that one movie!"

"Her random over-usage of the Japanese language is corroding my brain!" Yuuki moaned, clutching her head.

"Two!"

"Come to me, anata! Together we will save the world from darkness!"

Zero screamed "THREE!" just as Mikako threw open her thin little arms and darted forward. Yuuki wasted no time in wrapping her arm around her friend's and making a rapid pureblood beeline for the nearest exit, which happened to be through a wall.

"Oh shit!" Zero closed his eyes to try and block out the incoming pain of being slammed face-first into the wall, but the supposed impact was gone, and they were effing dissolving next.

"Yuuki! You do not do that to people who could be clinically depressed! Where are we going?!" Zero shouted as he was dragged at maximum speed through the air.

"To nii-sama's suite! It's the only safe place!!"

"WHAT?! Let go of me, I'm NOT going there!!"

"Would you rather be left with her?!"

"Good point," Zero muttered, turning. "Shit! She's gaining on us!"

"SORA!! ARIGATO!! ANO!! SAKURA!! KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" the pink-haired girl spewed, suddenly growing a pair of wings and darting behind them.

"Oh no, Zero! Mary-Sue barricade!"

Zero's head wrenched back forward to where Yuuki pointed: to a blonde, a redhead and a black-haired girl, visible through the window of the second floor of the Moon Dorms.

"Yuuki! Kiryuu!"

Both heads snapped to the left to see Shiki and Rima running towards them, a blue-haired levitating dot not far behind.

"Shiki! Rima!"

"You're being pursued, too?" Rima asked as they neared.

"Zero is," Yuuki replied.

"We can't get in, there's a line of Sues near the door!" Zero shouted over the wind, completely forgetting his companions were vampires.

A light bulb appeared over Yuuki's head.

"I have an idea! They can travel through plot holes! Why can't we?"

Rima nodded.

"Shiki! Quick!"

"Uh…" the black-haired boy blinked. "Rima! You're actually my long lost twin sister! Let's commit incestuous adultery!"

A swirly spot appeared on the nearest wall (which happened to be one of Kaname's), but it closed up before the destination could even become clear enough to discern.

"What happened?" Rima demanded.

"He must have plot hole-proofed the walls with canon!"

"We'll have to go through a window," Zero decided. There was no time for another alternative to be thunked up.

(At this point, the Microsoft Word Paperclip appeared by the little red squiggly line under the word 'thunked'. "Hello," said the Paperclip, "May I now proceed to annoy the fucking hell out of you?"

"Crap!" shouted Yuuki, "I think it's on their side!"

Shiki pointed to its massive googly eyes. "Those would be big on a cow," he said.

"Don't worry, I got this," Zero replied, promptly shooting massive vines towards the thing.)

With a yell, Shiki broke one of the bay windows on the second floor and the quartet tumbled through, knocking over furniture like bowling pins. With slight groans of pain, the four straightened and sat up, wondering who the hell placed furniture in the middle of the hallway, in such a position that if anyone were to enter through the window at the angle they had entered it from, they would definitely crash into the ensemble of splinters and pointy edges.

"What was that?" came a high voice from down the hall. The four stared at each other.

"Shit," said Shiki.

"Maybe they've come out. Let's check it out, girls."

Shadows began turning the corning. The four vampires shot each other frantic looks.

"Get up. Run! Now!"

"What do we do? Where do we go?"

"There!" Zero pointed. "Stairs! Go!"

Oh Johnny! Oh Johnny!

How you can love

Oh Johnny! Oh Johnny!

Heavens above

Old retro music started playing as they ascended the flight, their surroundings suddenly taking on the appearance of an old mansion that held many old artifacts. The railings turned from glossy wood to dark oak, and a red carpet appeared. There was a split in the stair in the form of a wall; the four unanimously but silently all took the right staircase.

You make my sad heart jump with joy

And when you're near I can't sit still for a minute!

"What the hell is that?!" Zero demanded of the music as they leapt up stairs. His companions shrugged and kept running.

Please tell me dear
What makes me love you so?
You're not handsome, it's true
But when I look at you
I just, Oh, Johnny!
Oh, Johnny! Oh!
da-da-da

Footsteps echoed behind them as they reached another corridor, lined with doors. The first two were locked, but when Yuuki tried the last one, it opened. The music suddenly faded off in an echo as the four faced a large wardrobe, a big white sheet lying by it. Zero pushed past, gesticulating at the door.

"Well?" he demanded, climbing in. "Come on!"

The other three stared at him blankly for three seconds before turning and scattering as Zero plowed through a wardrobe of fur coats and landed in---

What did he land in? Well, you'll find out later.

Unfortunately, the second part of the escape plan was even less cohesive than the first, and though the four had sped up a staircase around the corner together, they suddenly found themselves each alone, having unintentionally split ways at the Spare Room.

Yuuki frowned. She was a pureblood, so she wasn't very worried, but nevertheless, she opened a door and ducked into the room said door led to. More doors lined those walls, Yuuki anticipated this; she would use those doors to run through adjoining rooms and back to where she could search for her companions and pull Zero out of the wardrobe. She just didn't want to be making her U-turn in the hallway---too dangerous.

Zero had somehow ended up in an attic. It wasn't originally an attic, more of a vast expanse of woods laden with snow, but after meeting some weird half-man half-deer entity who introduced himself as "Mr. Tumnus" and stuffing him into a chest after said furball tried to drug him with dancing fire and sissy tea, Zero discovered through observations and logical reasoning we will not go into here that Mr. Tumnus's house was actually an attic and was groping around the floor for an exit of some sort, because we all know the doors to attics are always on the floor.

The rat paused from his cheese-hunting and stared at Zero weirdly.

"The hell are you looking at?" The silver-haired hunk snapped. The rat rolled his eyes and went to nibble on Mr. Tumnus's tail as Zero turned back to his hunt.

The first (and only) trapdoor he found led to a weird dirt hole, into which an anthropomorphic rabbit wearing coattails and a pocket watch who appeared out of nowhere jumped, muttering crap about being late. He slammed the trapdoor shut, reopened it, and found himself now staring into some sort of stone maze with massive stone faces carved into the wall. The third time it opened to a mirror attic where a freak version of Yagari with buttons for eyes claimed to be his sensei. One final attempt allowed him into the ventilation system of the Moon Dorms, into which he crawled, cursing and scowling.

Rima had been running for at least three minutes now, passing the same doors and paintings. With a frustrated sigh and a wary glance at the advancing shadow behind her, she ducked into a room and ran into Yuuki. The two girls would have embraced in the joy of their reunion if they were anyone but Yuuki and Rima, Yuuki being too awkward with her fellow vampires still, Rima being Rima. So the girls just kept running through doors, footsteps echoing everywhere in the halls and shadows appearing and disappearing under the cracks of doors.

Shiki, unfortunately, was the unlucky one. Having run an opposite direction from Rima, he was immediately faced with the end of the hallway, and turned it rapidly---and came face-to-face with Akura Neos and Princess Mizuki.

"Crud," said Shiki.

"Hi, Shiki-kun," the blonde one said sweetly, "Could you possible tell us where Ichi-kun and Kain-kun are?"

"Who are you?" Shiki asked, edging away.

"I'm Princess Mizuki Tsunami Sarah Elizabeth Taylor-Hanaki," the girl began, "And this is Akura Neos. We're from a distant land, but through fire and water and lots of other dangerous things like swamps and Mordor and the intestines of poisonous frogs, we've finally come here to celebrate each of our holy unions with our true loves---"

Shiki's head began to spin. As Princess Mizuki started the recitation of a four-part epic detailing the Sues' adventures travelling from Sueland to the sane world, the black-haired boy began seeing double, lava-lamp, Technicolor and That 70s Show entr'actes. Before he could develop more symptoms of being on shrooms---or in this case, listening to whatever crap Princess Mizuki was spewing---a hand smashed through the wall and snatched Shiki through a camoflauged trick door. Princess Mizuki paused between the words "Candy" and "Mountain" and pointed at the open door, Akura Neos (being smarter) already speeding past darting in.

"I FOUND THEM!!"

"Shiki!" Rima shouted over her and Yuuki's airspeed, "Are you okay?"

"I see a little silhouette-o of a man," Shiki said in a loopy voice, still seeing neon, "Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?"

"What did he say?" Yuuki shouted.

"Thunderbolts of lightning!" Shiki shouted, "VERY VERY FRIGHTNING MEEP! Galileo! Galileo! Galileo! Galileo! Galileo Figaro! MAGNIFICO-O-O-O-O-O!!"

"I don't know!" said Rima. "I can't hear him---"

"I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me," the black-haired boy mourned.

"I love you, Shiki," Rima assured him. His head bounced a little, eyes swirlies, but he made no indication of having heard her, instead replying: "BISMILLAH! NO, WE WILL NOT LET HIM GO!"

"Is he alri---gah!"

Zero had fallen from an air vent onto Yuuki.

"Get off her, you're slowing us down," Rima told him as Shiki screamed, "I GET KNOCKED DOWN!"

"What's wrong with him?!" Zero asked as he picked himself up and the quartet turned another corner.

"I have no idea," the blonde replied.

"We're almost there," Yuuki threw over her shoulder, skidding to a stop in the middle of the Moon Dorm third floor ballroom, running towards the exit and throwing the double doors open, dashing down the hall. Zero, in a moment of insanity helping Rima carry Shiki, pursued as Yuuki began banging on the door at the end of the hallway.

"Nii-sama! Nii-sama, it's me, Yuuki! Let me in!"

"How do we know you're Yuuki-sama?"

Pause.

"Nii-sama, don't make me tell them about the mole on your a---"

The door was wrenched open just as Rima and Zero collided with Yuuki. Shiki's body flew from their grasp, did a few flips and a nifty bit of tap dancing, before promptly cushioning the fall of a midget, a model and a heavily muscular ex-vampire hunter.

"What…?" Kain couldn't form any more words after the four practically crashed and rolled into the middle of the room.

"Nothing, nothing." Yuuki, the first one to instantly recover from the dangerous stunt, sweat dropped clumsily, already up on her feet and dusting the stray burnt-carpet particles off of her clothes.

Rima grunted a second later, pushing off Zero's back. "Shiki, come on—" she hissed, only to back away very slowly when the boy recoiled back to life, shouting:

"LOVE LIFTS US UP WHERE WE BELONG!"

"What the hell happened?" Kain was finally able to construct his sentences correctly.

"…what's wrong with Shiki!?"

The boy had started to shout random things when Takuma caught a hold of him and dragged him away from the crash-landing.

"Love... is like oxygen… Rima… sister… twin…"

"Yes, yes, Shiki."

"I think they got to him," Yuuki said mournfully to Rima. "He's spewing his plot hole from fifteen minutes ago."

"Rima…no sister…no twin… No. BAD," said Takuma, trying to talk in the black-haired boy's language, wagging a finger. Shiki blinked at him, bit said finger, wrenched his arms free, and was about to tackle Rima when the vampires knocked him down to the ground.

"What the HELL is going on!?" Aidou now screamed, hyperventilating.

"I believe a Sue to explain her background," Kaname said sadly, shaking his head. "It's causing Shiki to OOC."

"That can't be possible…!"

"Were you all separated?"

"Well, yeah, when we had an emergency crash landing through a window to the second floor," Zero bit angrily, his knee placed firmly in Shiki's back. Rima, straddling his waist, leaned down to stare into Shiki's eyes, the irises of which had turned from swirlies into and #. Shiki grinned up at her with a loopy smile, leaned forward and promptly planted one right on her smacker---Rima's eyes widened and she darted back, staring at her friend with a mixture of weirded-out-ness and apprehension on her face. Shiki, however, turned to Takuma.

"I kissed a girl and I LIKED IT!!!"

Finding this transgression not worth taking, Takuma promptly reached forward and gave Shiki a good conk on the back of his head. He assured his companions he would wake in a few minutes perfectly fine, not remembering any of his nonsense. The others stayed silent, staring at Rima apologetically. The blonde girl merely rolled her eyes. However, this silence was interrupted when a strangled scream from Aidou brought their gazes from the unconscious, shell-shocked Shiki to the door.

The second the four had crossed the threshold, the Sues rounded the door of the ballroom about a hundred and fifty feet from the gaping wide door, Princess Mizuki at their lead, each crowing lovingly the names of their desired men as they dashed forward at high speeds. Having enough of this foolishness, Ruka stepped up to the door as the Sues grabbed onto the frame and promptly backhanded Princess Mizuki so hard she flew backwards and into the others with a weird whinnying sound. Takuma slammed the door shut as Kain restrained Ruka from throwing something heavy onto the abomination that had turned her hair such a sickeningly bright color.

"Did she just...whinny?" Zero questioned, brushing off his shirt.

"Part unicorn," Takuma replied ruefully. "But none of that weirdness right now. Hey, guys!"

"Quick, Aidou-sempai!" Yuki pointed to the door. "Freeze the door!"

Aidou looked up. Immediately, the door and all its cracks and edges were solidly saturated with about three feet of ice. Kaname opened his secret stash of manga and tossed Vampire Knight Volumes 2, 3, 4 and 7 to Takuma, who immediately began ripping out pages and papier-mâché-ing them onto the ice. Voices came through the well-barricaded door.

"Kain-kun! Don't listen to anything that Nobody says! She lies! SHE LIES!!"

"Ichi-kun, what happened? What are you doing in there with that woman?!"

"Shiki! Shiki, open up the door! Let me shore up the hole in your heart!"

"Zero-chan! Don't you miss me, Zero-chan?"

"HANABUSA AIDOU! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!"

"Who're the new ones?" Aidou asked as Shiki bolted upright, rubbing the back of his head.

"The pink-haired one's Mikako Goldheart. She can erase memories," Yuuki offered. Zero had suddenly re-identified his company and was now bristling and hissing like a cat against the wall.

"Uh…the one with the blue hair's…what's her name?" Shiki turned to Rima, who shrugged, guarding her wary gaze. "Well, I forgot. But she's German, and she has a mysterious past and is being hunted or something…"

"No, Shiki, she wants to go to Germany. But maybe she IS German."

"Mysterious and hunted? Sounds like Princess Mizuki," Takuma said all too brightly.

"Who?"

"Oh, uh…never mind."

"So, what do we do?" Ruka asked, perched on the foot of Kaname's bed.

"We wait it out and keep the walls canon-insulated," Kain replied. "Then we go to class in the evening and hope they're too tired to attack."

"You know, I thought we came here to get an education, not hide from rampaging Mary Sues," Takuma mused.

"Well, we can't all stay in Kaname-sama's room," Aidou frowned.

Kaname seemed to agree as he began handing out two more stacks of manga.

"I unfortunately no longer have enough copies to shield every room," he said, "But you can't all stay here. It would be uncomfortable, as well as vulnerable; we would be too concentrated…so some of you are going to have to stay together for the night."

Shiki and Rima looked at each other. Takuma ran over and slung his shoulders over both. "We'll take my room, it's second biggest," he offered happily. Shiki and Rima shrugged, having absolutely no problem with that arrangement. Ruka relented to rooming with Kain and Aidou as their room was also very large, but drew the line at sharing a bed, irritating both cousins for very different reasons. Their safe departure was aided by Kaname temporarily ripping pages off of the bathroom wall so that Shiki and Ruka could create plot holes through which to travel. They moved fast and closed the holes before the Sues could sense them and catch on. When the six had left, the three remaining looked at each other.

"Hell no," Zero said immediately as Yuuki went to stand by her brother.

"It can't be helped, Zero…you can even go sleep in nii-sama's study, in a separate room, if you want."

"It's us," Kaname said with a twist of the lip, "or them."

Zero turned and looked at the door, then growled.

"Dammit."

A/N: Woohoo! This took AGES!

This is an EPISODIC work. What does that mean? That means unlike in One Week and Cheese With That Whine, we will gladly and happily take your requests or prompts on what you want to see happen in White Out! Yay! However, this is not a board. We will not take any extra Sues in the form of you, but we will take OCs in the form of Day Class Students. Maybe. Depends.

ShyLikeThat would like to add: NO MORE MARY SUES. We have seen TOO MUCH CRAP. Maybe next year, ok? That means 2010. Seriously.

Review please!

Love---

butterflybones // ShyLikeThat.