A/N: I don't own Futurama, Panic! At The Disco. The All-American Rejects, Marianas Trench or any other bands I've forgotten to mention. But I own Mia, who is MINE! ALL MINE!
Anyways, STILL BENDER'S POINT OF VIEW!
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"Bender?"
"Lucy!" I grumbled as I slept. "Wait your turn! I'm with Michelle and Jackie right now!"
"BENDER!"
I opened an eye.
"What do you want, big boots?" I asked sleepily. I was just taking a nap and having a wonderful dream of cigars, beer and hookerbots when Leela just HAD to wake me up.
"I need you to start making dinner for the crew!" she said impatiently.
"What is it with you HUMANS? All you do is eat, sleep and crap!" I muttered as I grabbed my Heil to the Chef apron from a nearby peg. "Can't you do something USEFUL for a change?"
"Like you? As in we all should be sleeping on the job?" Leela asked, a smile playing out on her face.
"You know what Leela? BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS!" I said angrily as I slid down on the ladder into the kitchen. I immediately calmed down though when I saw the kitchen. Not many people, not even Fry, knew this, but cooking was my sanctuary from everything that would trouble me. All I had to do was cook and I'd instantly be put in a better mood.
"Do do do! Bender is great, oh Bender is great!" I sang to myself softly as I tried to look for ingredients to make something that the humans considered edible. Not like I cared if they died or anything from my food.
Except Fry, I thought sadly. At times, he was the only one on this ship who actually understood me and my antics. No wonder him and I were best friends.
I forgot about that thought as I happily grabbed ingredients from different areas of the kitchen to make a pizza. Humans were supposed to like pizza, right? Well, Fry did at least. And who cared about what Leela liked or didn't? She was like all women: picky. As for Mia, I wasn't sure if I did care what she thought about me.
I carried the ingredients in my arms and sat them down onto the counter closest to the stovetop. I was cutting the onions and putting them into the pan when I saw a certain someone wearing a red hoodie and jeans, reading one of my many cookbooks by Elzar. This startled me, so I yelled in panic.
"AHHHHH!" I screamed as I dropped the knife I was holding.
Mia looked up at me calmly as I screamed, and then began laughing.
"What the hell is making you laugh?" I asked impatiently as she began to laugh harder. It was an infectious laugh though, one that made you want to join in.
"*ahaha* Y-your expression. It's hilarious!" she said with a grin. She then imitated it for me before she began laughing again. I scowled.
"Ha ha! It's SO hilarious that you scared the robot! Ha ha," I said sarcastically, picking up my knife. "Now what the hell were you doing in my kitchen, reading one of MY cookbooks?"
"News flash Bender! I work with you now, so everything that was just YOURS is now OURS. Not yours or mine, but OURS to share!" she said like she was talking to a child.
"Ugh…fine. Just keep your mouth shut while I make dinner!" I grumbled.
"Not making any promises!" she said as she chuckled.
"Not making any promises! Nanananana!" I imitated quietly to myself.
"Yep, that's exactly what I said alright!" Mia said teasingly.
"Look, can you try to shut your noise hole?" I said impatiently.
"Um…no! But you CAN learn to ignore me!" Mia continued to tease.
"Do you WANT an early grave?" I asked menacingly, the knife I was holding poised in the position to seriously hurt her if I wanted to. I was surprised when she actually looked calm.
"Sure, if the situation calls for it! But right now, I'd rather not die an early grave. I'd rather torment you instead!" she answered as she started reading the Elzar Cookbook for Dummies again.
"You know what Mia? JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!" I yelled before I stabbed the knife into the cutting board. I noticed with amusement that this made Mia jump a little, but other than that, she was pretty unfazed. I topped the pizza with veggies and slid it into the oven.
"Uh…Bender…." Mia began to say quietly a few moments later.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!" I yelled as I threw the knife at her. Now you have to understand, I was ANGRY, and truly beyond any reason, so my judgment wasn't at its best. I realized very quickly what was going to happen to Mia, and I knew there were only two options: either she could die or I could save her.
I considered her death of a fraction of a second, and the results didn't turn out too well in my favour if I admitted I, through my actions, killed her, so I decided to save her. After all, I had just gotten off parole for attempted murder of Dr. Jerkburg. He had stolen the cake I had made for Fry's anniversary of coming to the future and ate it all. The only reason I failed and got caught was the fact my knife couldn't get past his shell and broke in two. I was just breaking off the shell with my bare hands when he woke up and tattled to the Professor, who told the police, who threw me in jail for a few days. But I digress.
I ran over as fast as I could and tried to block her so that the knife would go through me, not her. I don't know why I choose that route to save her, but hey, at least she would still be alive, and I'd be able to steal freely again.
I closed my eyes quickly and expected to feel the knife plunge into my chest cavity, but instead, I felt nothing. I opened my eyes slowly in confusion as I checked my body over. Where was the knife?
That question was answered in Mia clearing her throat.
"Looking for this?" Mia asked as she pointed at the knife, which was stuck in her upper arm.
I was speechless. How could she be so unfazed about all of this?
In one smooth motion, Mia took the knife out of her arm and wrapped a dishtowel around the wound as her shoulders began quaking.
"Mia?" I asked nervously, afraid she was gonna explode at me or something. "Are you ok?"
"F-fine. J-just leave m-me alone!" she stammered.
I surprised when I heard myself say, "Are you sure you're fine?"
My answer came in the form of a small giggle that gradually got louder and louder until it was a pure laugh of amusement.
"Mia?"
"I thought you'd have better aim!" she said between fits of laughter.
"Better aim? BETTER AIM? I COULD'VE KILLED YOU!" I found myself screaming at her in worry. Odd. Normally I would've have given a shit if she had gotten hurt.
"So? It would be better to die than to reveal to the world that I teased a robot to the point of insanity so that he nearly tried to kill me!" she replied with a smile.
"And you're proud of that fact?" I asked in confusion. Would this chick ever make sense?
"I actually have done other things in my life that have made me prouder! Such as getting away with some serious crimes!"
"Ok. Who are you, and where have you taken Mia?"
"She went off to the magical land of fairies don't cha know!" Mia replied with a huge grin.
"Ok then…..so what do you mean, 'serious crimes'? What crimes could've you POSSIBLY COMMITED?" I asked curiously. "Or are you just joking about committing crimes?"
"Oh, I'm dead serious Bender. I have committed crimes before. Three, to be exact," she said as the smile on her face faded away. I noticed she looked extremely embarrassed. "I don't like talk about it, though."
I stared at her in shock. HER? A MASTER CRIMINAL?
"What kinds of crimes? Spray painting and stuff like that?"
"No….more like assault, attempted murder and theft."
"Run that by me again," I heard myself say involuntarily.
"Assault, attempted murder and theft," she repeated slowly. With each syllable, her head drooped lower and lower until it was in her hands. "Can we drop the subject now?"
'Not until you tell me WHY you committed all those crimes!" I replied with a smirk on my face. "Or else I'll tell Leela."
"You're blackmailing me?" Mia asked in horror. "Why would…..oh yeah. Because it's YOU."
"Now 'fess up," I replied, my grin getting wider by the second.
"Ok. The assault was when I got into a bitch-fight with one of the popular girls at school because she made fun of my dream to come to the surface. So I knocked her out. The attempted murder was when my friend confessed to me her boyfriend was abusing her in every way. So I thought I should try to take matters into my own hands. Instead, turned out my friend was lying to me for attention. Finally, the theft was a truth or dare. I was dared to go into my school and steal a teacher's necklace they forgot about. I had the necklace in my hand when the person who dared me tattled. Anyways, the teacher ended up not wanting the necklace after all, so she gave it to me. I'm actually wearing it right now," Mia said as she pointed to the pearl necklace I still wanted to steal. "So yeah, that my life for you."
I laughed a little in response. "You SERIOUSLY think that THAT is so horrible to have done? Honey, you're NOTHING compared to my criminal record!"
"And what crimes have you committed, then?"
I rolled my eyes before I responded. "Do you REALLY want me to list them all?"
"Sure," she responded, obviously thinking I was lying.
"Fine….attempted murder, theft, gang activity, numerous assaults…need I go on?" I asked with a grin.
"No, that's enough," she replied quickly, obviously embarrassed to have been wrong. "So you're not ashamed to work with me?" Mia asked with a small smile.
"Ashamed isn't the word I'm thinking of….." I said as I lit up my cigar. "More like proud to be working with a fellow criminal. So does anyone else know about this?"
Mia smiled at my comment. "I don't plan on telling anyone!"
I looked her over for a few moments. I mean REALLY looked her over with what I had just learned in mind.
She DID look capable of doing all the things she said she did, and I don't believe she is just saying the stuff for the attention. She WAS annoying, but not a liar. I found myself noticing other things about her too. How she always had some sort of a smile on her face, which added to her being cute. No, cute wasn't the right word. She was……stunning….in a sense. Not the most beautiful girl on the block, but her appearance could grab your attention if she wanted you to notice her. I also noticed she had a small cut on the top of her head, like someone had thrown a beer bottle at her. I feel sorry for the sucker who is gonna get his ass kicked for hurting Mia, by Leela, of course.
"Mia, do you know you have a small cut on the top of your head?" I found myself asking her.
"I do?" she responded as she felt the wound. "Oh, so I do!"
"Did you get in a fight or something I don't know about?" I taunted her.
"No, I was walking by your apartment and someone must have thrown a beer bottle out the window, for it landed on my head. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," I replied quickly as I looked to another part of the room. Better watch out where you throw your beer bottles next time! I thought.
"Mia, did you have a boyfriend before you came to the surface?" I randomly blurted out. I say randomly because I wasn't even THINKING of asking a question like that. It just HAPPENED.
"Yes and no. I went on a few dates with some dude named Jake before I came here, but it never turned into anything. Why do you ask?" she asked as she looked at me.
"Oh, just curious."
"Curiousity killed the cat. But then again, satisfaction DID bring him back," Mia teased. "By the way, your pizza is on fire."
"WHAT?" I yelled as I whipped around to look at the pizza. Sure enough, it was COMPLETELY on fire. "Aww DAMMIT!"
I raced around the kitchen, looking for SOMETHING to put it out. The Professor wouldn't be too happy if I not only burned down the ship, but in doing so, killed the crew in the process. Not like I cared. I just wanted to keep my job so I could have money for booze. Ok, that's partially true. I wouldn't care about burning down the ship. As for killing the crew….maybe I would care a little.
As I searched frantically for a fire extinguisher, I heard a loud hiss behind me. I turned around just in time to see Mia pouring a glass of water onto the burning pizza before she threw the glass into the sink.
"Well, that was ONE disaster averted by Mia the Marvelous!" she said with a snicker.
I found myself chuckling as I went to grab another pizza base from the cupboard. I forgot my task, though, when Mia began to speak.
"So…I was walking by your apartment this morning and heard yelling," I heard Mia begin.
"So? You worried or something?"
"No. It's just…I want to know what all the yelling was about."
"Is it any of your business?" I asked with a smirk.
"Well, sort of."
"Sort of?" I asked, my grin getting wider by the second. Truth be told, I was amused by her trying to get the story out of me with no success. It was almost like a game. Let's call it Get The Story Out of Bender.
"Look. I work with you now…."
'Don't remind me!" I said teasingly. Truth be told, she was starting to get less annoying now that I knew she had a criminal past like I do.
"So I think it's fair that what is YOUR business is MY business from now on!"
"Fine. I cooked something for Fry, but it wasn't good enough for him!" I hissed angrily at the memory. Fry was supposed to be my friend, but what did he do? He rejected my food, and ultimately, me, Bender.
"Can I try something of yours?" Mia asked me suddenly.
"What?" She had broken me out my thoughts.
"I want to taste something that you've cooked! Maybe Fry was just feeling picky this morning, and it didn't have anything to do with your cooking!" Mia offered with a smile.
"Yeah, that was probably the reason!" I said optimistically. "So what do you want me to make?"
"How about what you made Fry this morning?"
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"THIS is supposed to be eggs, bacon and toast?"
"Yah, why wouldn't it be?" I asked curiously.
"Number one, the eggs are MOVING. Two, the bacon looks like it hasn't even been COOKED and three…." Mia said before she burst out laughing.
"Three WHAT?" I asked irritably.
"You can't even make TOAST! A two year old kid can make toast!" she said between laughs.
"Hahaha, the robot chef can't even make toast. Hahaha. And you think YOU can do better?" I asked sarcastically.
"I KNOW I can do better! Hell, ANYONE can do better!" Mia replied with a smirk.
"Is that right?" I asked menacingly as I pushed my "sleeves" up. "Are you sure you don't want to rethink your answer?"
"Oh, I'm sure. Now Bender, how about you help out on the ship while I make dinner?" Mia said like I was a two-year old human, patting me on the head for extra measure.
"If anyone's gonna make dinner, it's ME!" I hissed as I smacked her arm away.
Just as I reached for a frozen pizza, I felt Mia grab my arm. I tried to ignore the bolts of electricity that went up my arm from her smooth hand touching my cold metal 'skin'. In almost a vision, I saw myself pulling her towards me before I began to kiss her gently. Then the intensity of the kissing increasing until I literally lifted her onto the counter, laid her down on it before I got up onto the counter, laid over top of her and started making out with her…….WAITwaitwaitwait. WHAT?!? I didn't like Mia in THAT way. She was just my annoying co-worker.
Whatever you say hotshot, the voice in my head said smugly.
"No shortcuts Bender! If you're gonna make a pizza, make it the old-fashioned way. FROM SCRATCH!" Mia said sternly. This made me realize the 'vision' had only lasted 0.5 of a second.
"Fine. I'll make from scratch, and it will be amazing! You'll see!" I replied as I tried to collect my thoughts together. But no matter what, I couldn't get that one image of her and me kissing gently out of my head.
"Ok, just don't cry when you burn the food…again."
Sure enough, a few moments later, I found myself with ANOTHER burnt pizza, and a very smug Mia looking at me over one of my cookbooks.
"Seriously Bender, do you want some help?" Mia asked as she got down from the counter she'd been sitting on.
"Yes," I replied weakly. I was starting to realize that
Mia abruptly whipped out a cell phone and started punching in some numbers.
"Hello, Speedy Pizza? I need 3 large pizzas with cheese and pepperoni!....Planet Express ship, near Venus, you can't miss it. And can you deliver at the back of the ship? Thanks."
As she shut the cell phone, I looked at her, shocked a little but impressed nonetheless.
"What? Only you can take the easy way out?" Mia asked with a smirk.
"No! I just thought since you were giving me so much shit before about taking the easy way out you wouldn't even TRY it!" I said, defending myself.
"You've known me for about two days, and you already think you know me?" Mia axed, obviously teasing me.
"In a way, yes," I began slowly. "You humans all act the same way. You all cry, sleep, eat, laugh and stuff, therefore, once you know one, you know them all."
"Just like all robots are the same?" she retorted. "After all, you all like to smoke and drink and get laid, SO…"
"For a human, that's dumb to think. Just because we all do the same things doesn't make us alike!" I said back as I blew smoke into Mia's face, obviously trying to change the subject or piss her off, whichever came first. I grinned when she coughed a little.
"Um, Bender? Doing the same thing as everyone else DOES make you all alike!" she said as she grinned triumphantly.
"Oh yeah? Well….SHUT UP!" I replied miserably. I wasn't used to losing at something, and this was no exception. The worst part? She WAS right.
"Did I actually just win an argument?" Mia asked rhetorically before she started to randomly dance.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked sourly.
"Happy dancing! What does it look like?" she asked as she swayed her hips a little before she did a spin.
"Like you should end up in the nut house!" I replied softly as I watched her dance. "Remarkable."
"What?" Mia asked as she suddenly stopped dancing. "Am I that bad?"
"Quite the opposite actually. Where did you learn to dance like that?"
"Wait a second. Are you actually giving me a COMPLIMENT?" she asked me in mock surprise.
"No! I'm just saying that you're not THAT bad, you're just not THAT good!"
"oh. Well anyways, I learned to dance like that from watching scrambled 21st century music video stations," she replied with a small smile. "And by myself as well."
"21st century? As in the Stupid Ages?" I asked, a little bit surprised.
"Yep. They may have not known a lick about technology, but they had some of the best music in all of history! What I wouldn't give to be able to go to a Panic! At The Disco or All-American Rejects concert!" Mia said as a far-away look appeared in her eye.
"Who and WHO?" I asked, confused to insanity.
"You haven't heard of Panic! At the Disco OR The All-American Rejects?" Mia stared at me in horror.
"Um…no. Is their music any good?" I asked in surprise. Why was she SO worked up about a couple of bands from the Stupid Ages?
"It was more than good! It was…amazing. Incredible. Catchy. You can't describe how good their music was."
"So let me listen to some," I found myself saying.
"What?" she asked in surprise. 'Did you just say what I thought you said?"
"No. I said what I thought you thought I said," I teased.
Completely ignoring me, Mia ran off to another part of the ship. At that exact moment, I heard someone knocking on the door.
"Pizza delivery for PE ship," a female voice said. Wait a second…..I recognized that voice….
I opened the door, and came face to face with Dani, aka my 111010009994th one night stand. Yes, I've kept count.
"Ok, so the total comes to $10.75….BENDER? Is that you?" Dani asked with a huge smile. "Wow, it's been a while! How ya been?"
"Well, I was doing horrible until you showed up, Sweetbot!" I purred, leaning in for extra measure. I smirked when she giggled a little. Oh, this was going to be like taking candy from a baby. You see, I didn't want to have to pay for the pizza, and was willing to do anything to get it for free. ANYTHING.
"Ok Bender, let's cut to the chase. You're lusting for me since you never truly got over me, and I'm lusting for you since at night I dream about your stunning body. So how about we just do it already and skip the nonsense! I'll even give the pizzas to you for a buck!" Dani offered as she wrapped one of her arms around my waist and pulled herself towards me.
"Deal!" I purred as I led her to the storage closet.
Then the typical happened. We made out in the closet, it led to a little bit more, she acted like it had never happened to her before, and I played along, yada yada yada.
What I didn't expect, however, was that I would be on top of Dani, only to have MIA walk in on us.
"Bender? You in here? I found some 21st century music for….BENDER?" she yelled in horror as she took in what was happening between me and Dani. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Are you so dense you can't figure it out when two robots are DOING IT?" Dani said from underneath me.
"No, I was asking a rhetorical question. And since you'll have absolutely no clue what rhetorical means, in simple terms, YOU DON'T ANSWER THE QUESTION!" Mia snapped at Dani.
Dani pushed me off her, got up, and strode toward Mia.
"And how was your question rhetorical, then?" Dani challenged.
"I knew what you two were doing; I just said the question in surprise. What I meant was: 'Bender, why in the world are you sleeping with some hookerbot instead of getting the pizzas we delivered?' "
"Well for your big fat information, Bender IS getting the pizzas he delivered. I'M the delivery robot!" Dani said with a smug grin. But from the look on Mia's face, I knew this wasn't over.
"Fine. Thanks for the pizzas," Mia said with no emotion. But as Dani started to walk away, the smug grin still on her face, Mia turned to me. "Bender, how much did you pay for the pizzas?"
"Umm…'bout a buck, I think. Why?"
"I hope you got your money's worth," Mia said with a snicker before she began going 'cheap, cheap,cheap' like a bird.
At first I didn't get it. THEN it hit me, and I found myself laughing. (A/N: If you haven't figured the joke out yet, basically Mia's saying Dani is a cheap hooker, who you don't have to pay much to get what you want. Get it?) I was laughing so hard that I didn't notice Dani leave, but when I opened my eyes, she was gone.
"Ok, now that THAT is out of the way……how about we give the rest of the crew the pizzas?" Mia asked with a smile still on her lips.
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"Mhmm…this is SO good!" Leela murmured appreciatively as she took a huge bite of the pizza. "I can't believe it's homemade! Great job Mia!"
Fry didn't say anything. He just kept shoving more pizza down his gullet, like he had been starving since this morning. Odd. I thought after our fight, he went and got breakfast at Dinkin Donuts or something.
I grumbled. Why did they just assume that Mia made the pizzas and not me, Bender? It wasn't like I was a terrible cook or anything. Right?
"Actually you guys, Bender made this! I saw it with my own eye!" Mia said with a smile before she gave me a look that said, play along, Bender.
Both of them stop eating and turned to stare at me on shock.
"Bender…YOU made this?" Leela asked in total shock.
"Yah Bender, did you?" Fry asked, a pleading look on his face, like he wanted this to be true. Probably to trick me into cooking for him again or something.
"Ummm…Yah! Of course I made this! With my own two hands!" I lied expertly. "But Mia helped make it better, so I think you should thank her too!"
Mia looked at me in astonishment.
Leela just thanked her, but what Fry did I would never forget. He got up and started to hug Mia tightly, saying, "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" What made me remember this though wasn't the fact that Fry had done yet another hilarious thing. It was Mia's reaction. She started blushing, like she had a crush on Fry or something and had dreamed of him hugging her all her life. But that was ridiculous. After all, someone couldn't just fall in love with somebody else after only seeing them once!
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A while later……
I lay on the top bunk of the brand new bunk beds the Professor had ordered, looking at a new robot porno magazine I had just subscribed to, as I waited for Mia to come out of the bathroom so I could ask her about why she had helped me out back there when she could've just blabbed about us ordering the pizza.
I was about to give up and go to sleep when she walked into the room from the bathroom, obviously tired. Without looking at me, she slid into bed and turned the lights off before I hear soft but heavy breathing from underneath me.
"Mia? You awake?" I asked quietly.
"Hmhm," she mumbled. I took this as a yes.
"Why did you help me today?"
"Because you're cute….." she trailed off.
"WHAT?" I nearly yelled in shock.
I heard her sit up quickly. "When you're happy. You're cute when you're happy! And it's nice to see you happy every once in a while." she said hastily as she lay back down.
"You…think I'm cute?" I asked in amusement.
"When you're happy. Now can we just drop the subject and go back to sleep?" she grumbled.
"Sure," I said as I heard her begin to breathe heavily again.
I found a smile creeping along my face, but I wasn't exactly happy. I was more confused than anything, if I was being honest. Why was I so happy that Mia had given me a compliment? It wasn't like I didn't get compliments about my appearance from people all the time. Okay, so they were fembots. You get my point. But Mia's compliment brought me more satisfaction, made me…happier.
As I let the metal screen slowly fall in front of my eyes, one quote I had heard today on All My Circuits crossed my mind. I don't know what prompted me to think it. It didn't even apply to my friendship (friendship? Maybe….) with Mia AT ALL! Yet here I was, think it anyways….
Falling in love is awfully simple, my friend.