What Really Happened in Eragon?

Chapter 9: Yo Mamma Fight!

"MR. CHEESY CHEESEBURGER! AHHHHHHH!!!!" Screamed Eragon. The sound of the siren wailing throughout the mountain had woken him from his rather disturbing dream.

Eragon, quit your screaming and go kick some Urgal patootie!

"What's a patootie?"

Frankly, I have no idea.

"Then how am I supposed to kick it?"

I don't know; just kill some of those invading Urgals, ok?

"But I'm the main character! I need to fight a boss, you know, 'cause I'm the main character?"

*sigh* Fine, we'll look for a more powerful foe; just make sure he's not above your level, ok?

"KK…"

Eragon walked outside of their way too small room to find some really short people running around in circles. He stuck his arm out and, sure enough, a dwarf ran into it.

"Yo shortie, what's goin' on here?"

"T-Th-The U-Urg-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-"

"GET ON WITH IT!"

"The Urgals are attacking, ok? Man, I am done making stories with this guy…" The dwarf threw his hat down and walked away, muttering insulting things that my mommy won't let me write down.

"Durza's here too, you know."

"He's dead though!"

"Have you EVER read the book about yourself?"

"… Was I supposed to?"

"URG! I am SO done with you! Now, go fight Durza. He's in central Tronjhiem."

"Thanks for the directions, Mr. Talking Map Dude!" Said Eragon. He and Saphira, while dodging several 'lawn gnomes' headed for the huge amphitheater.

"YO! Eragon, I see you have come back to challenge me!" Screamed Durza when he saw Eragon. Behind him were the Twins.

"Hey, who are the bald dudes behind you?" asked Eragon, pointing to the Twins.

"Well, I was going to ask you that-"

"Fight already!"

"Fine! Sheesh…" Said Eragon. He looked around. "Where's Saphira?" he asked.

"She's off developing the plot like she should be, unlike you."

"Well at least she doesn't have to fight Senor EmoLoco here!" Eragon complained. ;D

"Hey, who're you calling Senor EmoLoco, you Lemon-Head!"

Eragon mumbled something inaudible.

"What was that?" Durza asked.

"Yo mamma is so fat, when she hitched a ride on Saphira, she went down instead of up!" Eragon yelled.

Almost instantly all the dwarves in the Varden were watching Eragon and Durza fight. Someone in the crowd pulled out a chalkboard, wrote ERAGON and DURZA, and made one tally mark under ERAGON.

"Oh, so you wanna play hardball, eh? Well, Yo mamma is so stupid, she thought you were a man!"

"Score one for DURZA!" yelled the scorekeeper, and put a tally on his side.

"Yo mamma is so stupid, she thought the sun was a monster!"

"Score two for ERAGON!"

"Yo mamma is so ugly, all the Urgals, when they saw her, bowed down and worshipped her 'cuz they thought she was a goddess!

"Score two for DURZA!"

"Yo mamma is so fat, she sat on the Riders, and caused their fall!"

"Score three for ERAGON!"

"Yo mamma is so stupid, she thought she was smarter than Oromis!"

The crowd was silent.

Eragon asked, "Who?"

"He's… oh, wait, you haven't gotten to Book two yet…

The dwarves were still silent, until the scorekeeper yelled, "ERAGON WINS!"

Everyone except Durza erupted into cheers.

Durza screamed. "I'm melting, I'm melting!" He yelled.

"No you're not!" said Eragon.

"Oh. I suppose I'm not. Oh, well." Durza said. He laid down on the floor.

Eragon poked him with his shoe. "Heh, weird." He said.

Eragon began to walk out of the room, whistling, when there was a huge crash. Saphira and Arya burst straight through the giant star sapphire in the ceiling, yelling and crushing several dwarves in the process.

"Are we in time to save you?" Arya asked.

"No, you idiot! You two just broke the most expensive jewel in the world! Now I have to pay for it!"

Oops.

Eragon's rant was interrupted by the growling and angry shouts of the dwarves.

"GET HIM AND MAKE HIM PAY! LITERALLY! THAT COST US $999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999.99!"

"Whoa! Saphira, get us out of here!" Eragon yelled as he ran from the angry mob. He hopped on Saphira and pushed Arya off. "Sorry, princess. Only room for one on this dragon!"

Arya was left for dead in the angry mob of dwarves while Eragon and Saphira flew to safety. They were out of the Beor mountain range when they landed for a break.

Eragon looked back at the mountains to find his view obscured by an incredibly short woman holding a baby. He crab walked backwards as she stood there smiling gruesomely. "I'm your #1 fan, Saphira! Please sign my adopted baby!" she said to him, holding out the little girl. Saphira smiled, or at least looked like she did, and walked forward.

Of course I will sign your-

"Allow me, miss." Said Eragon, jealous that Saphira had fans and he didn't. He tried to push her aside, failed, and gave up. He walked over to the woman. She backed away.

"Oh, no Shadeslayer! I don't like you! You might-"

"Nibble icky wawa roodu pokey skolir fu!" Eragon yelled at the baby. A scribble appeared on her arm. She began to cry. It didn't even look like an autograph.

Saphira threw Eragon 100 feet away and then approached the woman. She touched her nose to the baby's forehead. When the mucus cleared, shiny white cursive writing appeared on the baby's forehead. She laughed and giggled and drooled. The woman bowed.

"Thank you, Saphira Brightscales." She said. Then she turned to Eragon." As for you, Shadeslayer…" The woman began whacking Eragon with the laughing baby. He screamed until she finally left. He stood up, covered in baby barf, only to fall back down again.

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Eragon! How are ya today? Said a voice in Eragon's head.

Who are you?

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm the Mourning Sage! The Cripple who is Whole! Your one and only trainer, Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooromis!

So… why are you in my head?

I'm here to tell you that yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou just one a trip the fabulous, exotic, vegetarian, Elllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllesmera! Oh yeah, and the author told me to hurt you.

What?

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiya!

The image of Oromis, dressed as a game show host, took out a sword and slashed Eragon in the back.

What was that for!?!?!?!?!?!?

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's all the time we have left today! Join us next time for the sequel, What Really Happened in Eldest! Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm your host, Oromis! See you all later!

Yes, there will be a sequel that I will start as soon as I skim the book. Hope ya'll enjoyed this fic!

Special thanks to salemmichigancambodia09 of ageofaquariusstudios for inspiration and a few laughs along the way, and to my brother David for many new and hilarious ideas for this story. He was the first to laugh at the ridiculous words before you.