Dear Kuro-myu,

You're never going to get this letter.

Which is why I'm writing it. If I knew you were going to get this, I wouldn't write it, wouldn't even begin to put the first letter on the page. Not that you could read it, anyway.

I'm a coward, I know. You always called me that, when you were being serious. "Mage", "idiot" and "bastard" were for everything else. But now that I think about it, I realize you've never called me by my name. You've never called me Fai.

Even if that's not my name. I suppose you were right when you said I was living a lie. I don't even tell the truth when someone asks for my name. You would hate me if you ever found this out. But the point of this letter is to say what I'm never going to, just so I don't burst from hiding everything about me from you.

Fai would be disappointed in me, wouldn't he. Not me Fai, that Fai. The one who's name I stole. The one I killed. My dear brother. The one who's body is lying in Celes, waiting for me to return so I can revive him.

Can the dead wait, Kuro-chi? Or are they just there, content with where ever the dead go after life? It's something I wonder about frequently. About whether Death has a world. Maybe we'll fall into it one day, and I'll be able to apologize to everyone....that I've hurt. So many people that I can't even remember all their names.

Death is such a strange thing. It exists only to give us pain, doesn't it? Life enjoys hurting us, and laughing as we pick ourselves up and go on with this hopeless, endless fight.

Even lying through my teeth, painted with a smile, can't change my world views. Or worlds. The universe is so much bigger than I thought it was, Kuro-rin! I can run forever, no matter what you say.

Or maybe I can't. The problem with these millions of worlds is that I'll never be able to stay in one. So I can't run forever, Kuro-woof. Does it please you to know you're right?

This letter is longer than I thought it would be. And far more confusing, as my thoughts are all trying to get onto the page at the same time.

You'll have to make do, because you're never going to read this anyway.

I want to stop lying, Kuro-nya. I really want to.

That's not the full truth. Let me phrase it so it is true, so I'm not just lying, even for a moment.

I want to be able to tell you the truth. You, and only you. The children don't need to hear anything other than lies from someone as filthy as I am. It could only hurt them.

Btu you know me. Or not me, because you don't know a thing about my past, what I like, what I think, what my views are. But you know when I'm lying, so you must know me, the person no one else seems able to see.

I'm losing my mind, Kuro-naa. Or I think I am.

Because I'm lying, and the truth is slipping out, and I'm cracking, and falling, and dying, and living, and flying. My head's spinning, and it's so clear at the same time.

I hate you, you know. Because you're breaking my barriers. You're seeing me, not me. Me doesn't want to be seen. It'd been fine with hiding forever. But you're forcing me out, and making me face the bright sunshine I've been hiding from.

And I love you. Because you understand me. You listen to me, although I am an "idiot". You worry for me and our family, our two kids. Our Sakura and our Syaoran.

But please...don't try to save me. I'm already too far gone to be helped.

But even this broken heart and ruined soul can love. And I love you, Kurogane. I love you so much that it hurts. Because I can't love you. I'm suppose to kill you, for God's sake. You're my enemy, and I can't afford to fall in love with my enemy!

It's too late.

I'll always love you. And I'll always hate you. But the love is stronger, and that is what scares me.

I'm sorry.

Fai D. Flowright

Author's Comment: Fai's such an interesting character. He's so complex, and I don't think he's very self-confidant.

Yeah, I wrote KuroFai.

And enough ranting, i should work on something that actually needs doing.

And feedback, please! This is my first time trying out KuroFai, after all, I wanna know how I did.