A/N- Okay so this is a new story..... This idea came from a friend of mine who wanted more drama..... as usual I don't own Criminal Minds...

Summary- After the undercover operation in Colorado Emily changed.... Is Emily telling everyone the truth of what happened???? Will her relationship with JJ be able to survive or will Emily push her away???? Emily/JJ.... If you don't like don't read..... slightly OOC Emily.....

Chapter 1.....

JJ laid in bed alone and stared at the clock. It was particularly screaming 1am. JJ felt the tears stinging her eyes in what was becoming a nightly routine for her. She rolled over and looked at the empty bed next to her and let the tears fall. She ran her hand across the pillow, the pillow that still smelled like her lover although it had been several weeks since Emily had slept there.

Once the happy couple; things changed after Emily was held captive and beaten while trying to protect Reid in that religious cult compound. Emily became quiet and retreated into herself. That had been three months ago and JJ wasn't sure how much more she could take. JJ eventually cried herself to sleep dreaming of better memories, better times.

Meanwhile across town; Emily ordered another beer. Always one to use alcohol to ease the pain of the job; it had become progressively worse since the day in Colorado. Not even JJ's love and affection were enough anymore. Everyday was a struggle. The more cases they had, the harder it got and the more alcohol it took to make it go away. Then a month ago, Emily did something that she never thought she was capable of doing. She cheated on the one person that used to mean everything to her. The one person that could always make things better. A month ago she found some nameless blonde and allowed herself to cave to the temptation. It was in that moment of alcohol and sex that Emily found peace. It may have only lasted a few short minutes but it was there and it was that feeling that Emily began to crave. So here she was again looking for that feeling. Never once in her drunk induced haze did she think of going home to her wife of two years. All she could think about was finding someone to ease her pain and in her mind JJ was not the one to do that. It was much simpler to close off her heart than to allow her self to feel that pain that was there; because being with JJ met opening her heart and she couldn't allow that to happen. It was much better this way, or at least that was what Emily had convinced herself.

Emily looked down at yet another empty beer glass and nodded for the bartender to bring her another. With another beer firmly in her grasp she turned around to survey the crowd. Looking for the one person that would ease her pain tonight. Emily saw exactly what she was looking for sitting at one of the corner tables alone. Perfect Emily thought to herself before quickly downing the fresh beer. She slammed the mug down on the bar and quickly stood up. Giving herself a minute to allow the room to stop spinning, she eventually made her way across the room.

"Hey." Emily smiled as she walked up to the woman in question. "I'm Emily." Emily said as she looked the woman from head to toe. The woman was blonde, always a requirement, and absolutely stunning. Emily's eyes lingered on certain attributes a little longer than they should have but she didn't care. The woman, who also noticed where Emily's eyes were focused immediately blushed.

"See something you like?" She laughed.

"Oh very much so." Emily grinned, finally making her way back up to the woman's face.

"I'm Lisa by the way." Lisa patted the seat next to her to which Emily immediately sat down.

"Nice to meet you Lisa. You here by yourself?" Emily asked.

"Yeah, my friends ditched me." Lisa giggled, a clear indication that she was a little drunk herself.

"Well their loss is my gain I guess." Emily smiled as she ran her finger down Lisa's arm.

"Seems that way." Lisa replied taking another sip her drink.

"What do you say we get out of here?" Emily asked suddenly not wanting to wait any longer. She needed release, she needed to feel that peace that came with was about to happen.

"My apartment is just around the corner."

"Perfect." Emily said with a wicked grin and grabbed Lisa's hand. "Lead the way."

Ten minutes later Emily was standing rather impatiently outside Lisa's door waiting for Lisa to find the right key. Emily was getting desperate and was sure that if Lisa didn't find that key soon she just might be forced to take her right here in the hallway. Then as if her prayers had been answered Lisa opened the door and she pulled Emily inside. Emily found herself pushed rather forcefully up against the door and barely had time to react to Lisa as Emily saw her lips coming towards her. Emily quickly dodged the kiss, forcing Lisa's lips her to her neck instead; not that Lisa seemed to care. Deep down inside Emily knew the reason why she never let anyone kiss her. Deep down inside she knew it was because they wouldn't taste like JJ's. They wouldn't be as soft as JJ's and it was just easier to not have to deal with those memories. Lisa ripped Emily's tank top off and then made quick work of her bra. Emily groaned as Lisa's lips found her breast. This was the feeling that Emily needed, the feeling that she had been waiting for.

Several hours and several erotic moments later Emily extracted herself from the naked blonde beside her and went in search of her clothes. She glanced at her watch and groaned when she saw what time it was. It was 3:20am and she and JJ's alarm would be going off in three hours. Emily gathered the rest of her clothes, redressed and made the short drive home.

Emily pulled into the driveway twenty minutes later, barely missing JJ's car. JJ heard the front door open and knew that Emily was home, but she also knew like all the other nights she wouldn't be joining JJ in their bed. JJ listened as Emily stumbled through the house and then heard the door to the guest bedroom slam shut. Once again JJ let the tears fall. Emily collapsed into bed, not even bothering to change clothes. Whether it was from the alcohol or exhaustion Emily didn't know but within minutes she was asleep.

The next morning JJ woke up to the alarm and a still empty bed. JJ got up and proceeded to get ready for the day. Having been through this every morning for the past several weeks she knew that it was best to let Emily sleep as long as she could. JJ knew that Emily needed help, but she didn't have a clue what to do. Until Emily admitted she had a problem there was really nothing she could do. What JJ didn't know though was that there was more to these late nights than just alcohol. JJ got dressed and then made her way to the guest bedroom. She knocked once and then slowly opened the door. The whole room reeked of alcohol.

"Emily honey, its time to get up." JJ said as she stood by the door. All she got in response was a grunt. "We have to be at the office, so you…"

"I know damn well where we need to be. " Emily mumbled; her face still buried in the pillow. "I don't need you to remind me that we have to go to work." JJ sighed and left the room.

Twenty minutes later, Emily found her way to the kitchen, looking only slightly better. At least she still didn't smell of alcohol.

"I made you some coffee." JJ said as he placed a cup in front of her, along with two aspirin.

"Thanks." Emily half-heartedly mumbled. Emily downed the aspirin and took a long drink of the coffee. Both women sat there in silence, each knowing what needed to be said but neither having the guts to say.

"We have an appointment with Dr. Williams today." JJ finally said; hoping that mentioning the prospect of their future child might help. Six months ago Emily surprised JJ by suggesting that they have a baby. It was possibly that happiest moment in JJ's life.

Flashback…

JJ and Emily walked hand in hand through the park on a nice spring day. There were kids everywhere, happily enjoying the warm weather. They made their way to a bench and sat down. Emily wrapped her arm around JJ's shoulder and pulled JJ close. JJ rested her head on Emily's shoulder as they watched the activity in the park.

"You know I've been thinking," Emily said after several seconds of silence. "What do you think about us having a baby?" JJ's head jerked up from Emily's shoulder as she stared in the eyes of her girlfriend.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, I think we should start a family."

"Wow, I don't know what to say." JJ replied still in shock.

"I want us to have a baby. I want to see you glowing and pregnant. I want all the crazy cravings and mood swings that go with it." Emily smiled.

"I'm sorry baby, but you know that I can't have kids." JJ frowned as tears threatened to fall.

"Just because your eggs aren't any good, doesn't mean we can't have kids. My eggs are perfectly fine." Emily said as she wiped away the stray tear that fell.

"So your egg in my womb?" JJ asked as she put her hand over her belly. "It's perfect." JJ smiled and pulled Emily into a kiss.

However, now it was six months later and JJ was about to undergo her third treatment. With all that had transpired JJ wasn't sure if it was still such a good idea, but part of her wanted to believe that if this treatment worked that Emily would change. She would have to, there was no other option.

"Yeah well, I don't think I can make it." Emily said as she finished the coffee. "I have a lot of paper work to do."

"Well it's not until 3 and I'm sure Hotch…"

"I said I couldn't!" Emily yelled as she stood up and grabbed her keys. "I have an errand to run, I'll meet you at work." Emily said as she slammed the front door.

A/N- So that is chapter one..... PLEASE REVIEW.... I am really nervous about this story.... so please let me know what you think.... good or bad I would love to hear from you....