"You're gay, right?"
Those words cut straight to his heart. He nearly fainted the moment it had really registered that the pretty young shopkeeper was really being serious.
"You've got to be. No other man can give a compliment like that."
Those daggers kept piercing his heart, over and over again. Every time the words "you," "are," and "gay" were put together in the same sentence and aimed at him, he felt himself dying a little.
"Plus, you dress impeccably. Even your cufflinks are coordinated to match the brass buttons of your suit. Your striped shirt and patterned tie would normally clash, but the colors and designs you chose are in perfect harmony." The girl nodded knowingly. "My gay-dar is definitely going off right now."
Sanji immediately regretted choosing this particular lady to woo—although, of course, all women must be respected and wooed equally!—but persevered. "Ah, might I finish purchasing my produce, miss?" he asked, oh so politely.
"Oh, of course! What'll you have?" She bounced out of her 'speculative' mode and went into 'sell sell sell' mode.
"I see that your carrots and cucumbers are fresh. Those would go well in a salad," he mused, picking up a head of lettuce to inspect it for wilting.
The girl's eyebrow twitched. "You are going to use those for cooking, right? I mean, just because they're phallic in shape—" She stopped when she found that Sanji had fled. "Huh. I guess he didn't want anything after all?"
---
"You're gay, right?"
"AAAUUUGH!" Sanji screamed, clutching his head in the middle of the marketplace and alarming the baker who was attempting to sell him a few loaves of bread. "I'M NOT GAY!"
"That's right, dear. You tell them." An old lady flapped her hand at him in support.
"Tut, can't you see that he's obviously having trouble coming out? We should encourage him, Mabel!" Her friend patted Sanji gently on the shoulder. "Young man, there's nothing wrong with loving another man."
Sanji ran away from them, leaving two old ladies looking very confused.
He tried to shop for other ingredients, but found himself cornered at every turn. When he was inspecting oysters at the harbor, he remembered that they were considered to be powerful aphrodisiacs. The apples, oranges, and grapes all reminded him of how the two sisters from Water 7 had described Franky's 'goods' when Robin had been, ah, 'convincing' the cyborg to join the crew. He couldn't even look at the baguettes. The spices and grains were probably the only things that didn't give him trouble. When he went to the butcher's shop, all he could see was meat.
Sanji sprinted back to the Thousand Sunny in record time with empty hands.
"USOPP! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!" he bawled, stamping on the deck.
Usopp ran out in a panic, looking flustered. "What's up, Sanji? No need to be violent."
"Go do the grocery shopping. Now."
"But you just went…"
"Now!"
"Geez, fine, fine…"
---
Usopp wandered through the marketplace, holding the list of ingredients that Sanji had thrown at him. "Hm, he's pretty generic with this list. All it says is 'anything fresh' under produce, and 'anything good' under grains. Damn." He walked up to the same woman that Sanji had originally been dealing with. "Excuse me, do you know what kind of produce would satisfy a cook who's a pain in the butt and meticulous about anything?" he asked.
She looked him up and down. "Are you a friend of the blond gentleman?"
"You mean the guy with the eyebrow? Yeah. Why?"
"In that case, here. Cucumbers and carrots. On the house."
"Ooh! Thanks!" He took them gratefully. "Are you sure this is alright?"
She smiled coyly. "Of course. Just tell him to be gentle when putting them in, okay? Things are likely to tear down there."
Usopp looked at her strangely and walked away with the vegetables, feeling like he was missing something. He found the rest of the ingredients without too much trouble, and returned to the Sunny.
---
Sanji stared at the food that Usopp had brought back after his little grocery excursion in disbelief.
"Usopp…" he growled, banging the door of the galley as he stomped outside and picked the sharpshooter up by the collar. "What the hell is with those groceries?"
"I just got what you asked me to get. It's not my fault that you weren't specific."
"But…oysters? And grapes?"
Franky walked out of his workshop in his standard Hawaiian shirt and Speedo. "Hey, Sanji, what's the problem?"
The fact that there was only a Speedo between Sanji and Franky's family jewels seemed to poke Sanji in the eye. Violently.
Sanji screamed and ran back into the galley, jabbering something about "Apples! Grapes! Oranges!"
"What's up with him?" Franky asked Usopp in perplexity, grabbing an apple and biting vigorously into the crisp fruit, licking the sweet juices that ran down his chin.
"No idea. It's probably just one of those days."
"Yeah, even the women aren't as moody as him."
---
Sanji walked into the galley and found Zoro munching on a carrot, and Luffy gnawing on a cucumber.
"Eh, Sanji? I'm hungry! Niku!" Luffy demanded.
"Meat…………..?" Sanji moaned. He fainted, foaming at the mouth.
---
"Someone should get Chopper."
"He's out shopping with Nami and Robin, though."
"But this guy's out cold."
"Maybe it was a mental thing? He didn't look sick."
"What an idiot…"
Sanji looked up groggily and saw every man from the Straw Hat crew looming over him (save Chopper) with perplexed or amused looks on their faces.
"I mean, all we were doing was eating! He's never done this before!" Luffy exclaimed, picking at his teeth absentmindedly. "And then I told him to make me some meat but then he just conked out right there." Luffy did a dramatic reenactment of the whole scene, complete with Sanji's moan.
"No meat. I'm…not…gay…" Sanji moaned again, before falling into darkness again.
"…….." A collective awkward silence.
"Yeah, that really doesn't throw any doubt on your sexuality now, does it? I'm sleeping in the crow's nest tonight," Zoro said.
---
"Okay, Zoro, I need you to go do some grocery shopping. That shitty longnose got the wrong stuff."
"Hey, you're not coming onto me, are you?"
One eyebrow twitched. Just once.
"…deep breaths, Sanji, the cigarettes are already doing a toll on your heart…Okay, marimo, I'm going to ignore that last comment. I want you to go buy EXACTLY what it says on this list."
Zoro took the sheet of paper being thrust into his face and gaped at the fine details put into every item.
"Right. I'm only doing this because I'm sure that today you're feeling very insecure—"
"JUST GET OUT AND DO IT, YOU ASSHOLE!"
---
Zoro walked up to the girl selling produce and thrust the list at her in the same manner Sanji had given it to him. She looked at the neat, curly penmanship on the list and at Zoro.
"Another one of the blonde's friends, huh? He certainly gets around doesn't he?" she asked, eyebrows raised. She received an odd look and a nod, accompanied by a disgruntled grunt. She took in his features—chiseled visage with an even tan, a chest and abs that Hercules would die for that was exposed by an unbuttoned shirt, the three swords, and the earrings. Definitely the dominant one, she thought sagely.
"You're gay, right?"
---
That night, they had chicken for dinner.
Sanji slept alone in the men's quarters.
Zoro sat up all night pumping iron, muttering, "I'm not gay," with every rep.
The other men slept on the deck, as far from Sanji and Zoro as possible.