The Angel Academy

Chapter 6-Here, My Dear

Angelic Guideline No.5: All Angels under the age of five hundred and sixty-nine residing in Heaven are legally obliged to attend the Angel Academy for a minimum of two hundred and seventy-four days out of three hundred and sixty-five. This is non-negotiable, regardless of Angelic power type or abilities. As stated in Educational Decree No. 64.5, (Ninth Scroll of the Great Angelic Charter, as dictated to the Great Angel by the Creator)-"A decent education must be feasible for all Angels in Heaven, for what is Angelkind without knowledge?"

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"Ah! Sasuke! No marks, you pig!"

"Jeez, will you just get that stick out of your arse and relax already? Not funny, Neji."

"Well, if someone wasn't trying to rape me then I'd be considerably nicer!"

Ah. Here we are, alone in an abandoned church conversion on the lower west side (the wrong side) of Heaven City, watching as the spiders crawl through the rafters, seeing the rainbows flung on the old stone walls as the evening light spills through the old stained-glass windows, feeling the cobwebs of hundreds of years brush against our cheeks, gasping as we realise for the first time the height of the building-how the cold grey walls must have been flung up against the sky by Madara himself, and how perilous those rotten rafters must truly be-

If only. We are not there; we never have been and never will be. All I am is an Angel with hindsight; all I can do is look into the past and feel my blood boil with the rage of a thousand years of injustice. And I am not alone in an abandoned church with two young Angels who only want a moment to rejoice in their hormonal instincts, nor am I with Tobi and Deidara seeing them make love for the first time. I am nowhere and I can do nothing to stop it! I am not with Sasori on Earth, I am not with Madara alone and shivering in his high high tower, and I am not with Itachi as he slowly loses his control and descends into utter emptiness.

All I am is an Angel with all the time in the afterlife and all the books the Great Library has to offer. This story will be documented, and it will become public! For what if it happens again? What if my life's work has gone to waste, what if nobody ever remembers, no-one will care and no-one will know! No-one will ever see the true horrors of the Angel Academy! WHAT THEN?

But I digress.

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In Neji's opinion, all sofas should have been fitted with at least moderately comfortable springs before one's boyfriend of nine months gets slightly frisky and decides to fling one down on one, absolutely without warning and crushing one's wings in the process. Certainly his first act as the brand new Queen of the Universe would address this problem. That and the grievous Coca-Cola crisis...

Above him, Sasuke batted an eyelid.

"Ouch! Sasuke, that hurt!"

"And you, my dear, are a pansy." The darker-haired teen chuckled darkly and moved a bit to the left.

"Sasuke! You are a bastard and I have sensitive skin-you know this sofa makes me chafe!" Disgruntled white eyes glared up at Sasuke, daring him to say one more word...

True to his character, Sasuke dared. "You're hot when you're angry." And then he bent down just a tiny bit and kissed the teen beneath him, effortlessly capturing those plump, soft lips in a searing smooch just full of passion, ketchup and unrequited lust. True to his character, Neji mysteriously forgot about all of his earlier complaints and kissed back, his tongue battling with Sasuke's in a game of dominance that they never really took seriously but still found enjoyable. Perched as they were on the Horror Sofa, Sasuke ghosted his pale hands across Neji's chest and hips, whilst the brunette between his legs struggled to get free and remove Sasuke's shirt.

Verily, off it came and Neji was satisfied, drinking up the milky-white flesh on show. Flesh that was his and his alone-the smooth curve of Sasuke's shoulder, the flat planes of his stomach, the sharp angle of his jawline...all his. Unsurprisingly, Sasuke seemed to have similar ideas.

"Hey, you have to lose the clothing too. Can't have just me naked around here, can we?" The velvety voice dropped to a low purr so near Neji's ear it almost made him orgasm, and he blushed like a little child. "Are you sure, Sasuke? It's so much nicer when only you are nude..."

And herein lies the crux of this couple's problems: Neji will not have sex if his life depends on it. Certainly, he will remove his shirt-he is doing that as we speak, or at least Sasuke is-and he will kiss his boyfriend until they are blue in the face. He will touch Sasuke everywhere that he feels he can (arms, torso, face, thighs and not much more) and he will let Sasuke touch him...

But then it stops. When Sasuke goes too far and tries to remove Neji's trousers, when he tries to kiss Neji all the way down his chest or when he does this-

"Sasuke, NO!"

"Please! I'm hardly doing anything..." When this happens, Sasuke has probably got Neji half-naked, panting and struggling with an enormous hard-on underneath him and his face will be saying 'fuck me, fuck me'...but his big moon eyes will say something very different.

Indeed, Neji is currently in this position and he can feel Sasuke's hot, heavy body above him. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, he thinks? Just to let him see me naked?

Surely it would only be fair? Neji has seen Sasuke naked hundreds of times-the dark-haired man seems to make a particular point of being nude around his darling Prissypants.

Perhaps...perhaps I can. And his Angel Academy training promptly comes crashing down upon him. Do not have sexual intercourse before marriage, save yourself for your life partner, all men are only after one thing, it's not worth it just for one night...

Aargh! How does Sasuke ignore this? Well, if he can so can I! Neji Hyuuga, he immediately resolves, is no run-of-the-mill pansy but a strong, confident, powerful Ang-

"Aah! Sasuke, what in Heaven are you doing? Neji's newly-found resolve is shattered as Sasuke decides it is a good moment to strip completely and grind his erection into Neji's (clothed) hips.

"Neji, we have done this before and you are not completely virginal so stop acting like you are! You may find it winsome, but I..." At this Sasuke turns Neji over and presses his flushed face up against the brunette's, glaring for all he's worth. "I find it fucking annoying." His voice isn't more than a low grumble, and for the first time in years Neji feels-not scared, but wary around his significant other.

Above him, Sasuke continues in his most threatening voice. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not my brother. I don't give a shit what the Academy fuckers say or do, and I really don't get why this is such a big deal to you. They can't hurt us, you baby!" The dark tendrils framing his face give Sasuke an eerie look, one that no normal Angel would like to see outside of Hell, and Neji does not like it one bit. Why must this always happen to Sasuke?

Now his face is very close to Neji's, and they can see every tiny imperfection in the other's skin. And Sasuke must have seen Neji tremble ever so slightly at his little speech, so he lowers the tone slightly. In a calmer voice he continues, absentmindedly stroking the Hyuuga's cheek.

"Look, you love me right?"

Below him, Neji gulps and nods vehemently.

"Then why won't you let me go further than this?"

At this, Neji splutters and tries to sit up. "Sasuke, it is not a question of how far I will let you go, more of how far we are legally allowed to go! Can you not see that even going up to this point is wrong?"

Sasuke growls and pushes him back down into the sofa. "Just shut up about the fucking law! I am sick to death of hearing about it, and I do not fucking care! All I want is for you-"

And now Neji is also annoyed. He recoils and snaps back at Sasuke, baring sharp white teeth at his lover. "To do what, Sasuke? To sleep with you? Or to go against practically everything I believe in and simply let you fuck me like some Earth whore?"

"No, I want you to trust me!" Sasuke replies, sounding almost desperate. But Neji pays his no heed-he was so close to snapping and he has very little intention of letting it happen again. "It is not a question of trust, Sasuke; it is a simple matter of understanding." The sharp decibels ring out against the cold stone walls, and suddenly the room goes icy cold. To complete this picture, the darker-haired teen (young adult, truly) has a dismal expression on his sharp face-he will not meet Neji's eyes. "Sasuke, you do not see this from my perspective. Oh, I know you think you do, so do not try and convince me otherwise-"Neji continues, silencing Sasuke's attempted protest with a wave of his hand-"but you do not see as I do."

As is often the way when one is being scolded by a lover, Sasuke moves away, and his features are expressionless and cold. When he talks, Neji can tell it will be in a lifeless monotone.

"If that is how you truly feel." And slowly the bluenette rises, never once looking at the teen on the sofa. The pride of Sasuke Uchiha has once again been injured, and who will stroke his ego back into normality?

Neji, of course! "Sasuke, don't be a fool. I am not averse to the idea of sex; I merely meant that I do not wish to do it...now." The Hyuuga rises gracefully and wraps his pale arms around Sasuke, who has remained standing in the middle of the cold stone room.

The rainbow sunlight streaming in from the windows illuminates the young man, casting him in long golden shadows-in Neji's appreciative eyes, he looks like a god of old with a fiery, shimmering halo and a thirst for beauty in its purest forms. Lips gently press against the cool flesh of Sasuke's neck, and hands wrap around his naked waist.

"Is marriage ever going to be an option for us, Sasuke?" The somehow sultry voice practically purrs in Sasuke's ear, and Neji can feel the effect his words have on his lover-boy. Ah, the old stiffening of the back, the tightening of the jaw, the complete and utter lack of facial expression...Hello, old friends. Welcome back- it's safe to say we missed you.

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Twenty-nine minutes later, Naruto Uzumaki barged in. Upon entering his slightly unorthodox abode (for yes, the abandoned church was Naruto's home and had been for the past two hundred years) he noticed that his lovely orange sofa looked strangely unbattered.

Eh?

He also noticed the distinct lack of Neji-Naruto could always tell when he'd been because somehow the windows would be sparkling and he would be able to see his grinning face in the kitchen floor. Today there was no such thing-instead the blonde appeared to have an angsting, half-naked Sasuke Uchiha collapsed on his sofa, his wings casting enormous shadows over his body and making him look like the poster boy of troubled teenagerhood. (Which, indeed, he was. One of them, anyway.)

Aw man, Naruto had been having such a good day...

Still, better bite the proverbial bullet. "Hey, Sasuke-bastard! You look pissed, what happened this time?"

No answer from the sulker on the sofa, just a rather dramatic groan. Naruto had decided to ignore this in the true spirit of friendship and-having thrown his coat in some murky corner-plonked his orange-clad behind next to Sasuke.

Sasuke didn't bat an eyelash-impressive, considering that sharing a sofa with Naruto was the equivalent of willingly snuggling up to three large hippopotami on crack cocaine. A neon arm was promptly wrapped around Sasuke's bare shoulders, and the blue-haired teen winced. Physical contact with Naruto was most definitely the WRONG sort of physical contact...

Besides him, Naruto grinned. "So, I get the whole I-must-angst-to-certify-my-non-existent-masculinity and all, believe it, and you do look hot without a shirt, but why isn't Neji joining in? He can angst even better than you when he fancies it!"

"Shut up, idiot." Sasuke's reply was (as the blonde had expected) terse, dark and slightly homicidal. Nonetheless, his verbal assailant was undeterred. Cracking out an old packet of chewing-gum, Naruto began to pop bright pink bubbles very, very slowly.

"So"-pop-"did he get mad"-pop-"at'choo again?"-poooooooop-"'cos if I were you"-pop-"I'd try and get him to eat more"-pop!-"that whole starvation thing he's got going on CAN'T be good for "-pop-"him, believe it!"

Naruto could feel Sasuke twitching. After all, it was a well-known fact that all Uchihas hated bubble-gum! "So, what did you"-pop-"do this time, bastard?"

"Uh, nothing. So shut the fuck up, you moron. And stop blowing the god-damned bubbles-you know they get on my nerves. Retard... "

Pop!

"Fine, I'll fucking talk! Just enough with the motherfucking bubbles!"

Verily, Naruto smiled a devil's smile. "Spill, believe it. Agony Aunt Naruto-who shall now be known as Priscilla-is ready to advise. And after that, you can hear about MY day, believe it!"

"Good Lord...do I have to do this?"Sasuke looked even paler than usual at the thought of sharing his thoughts and feelings with another sentient being his own age. Heaven forbid it should become a habit...

"Yes, bastard! It is vital that you do this, in case your head explodes and you die!" Naruto's funky orange wings flapped around in earnest at the statement, causing Sasuke's pair to droop just that little bit more. However, he may as well try.

"Well, uh, Neji and I sort of had an argument..."

Naruto (or 'Priscilla', as he was now known) shook his head. "Nuh-uh, Sasuke-bastard, no ambiguity! You either had a fight or you didn't, so who slapped who?"

The darker-haired teen glared. "He slapped me."

"Thought so, believe it. And why?"

The glare intensified. "Because I tried to pressurise him into having sex with me."

"Of course. And why did you do that, Sasuke-bastard?"

The glare intensified, doubled and bounced off a nearby wall. "Because I am but a hormonal seventeen-year-old who wants to go all the way with the guy he loves?"

"Ack, that's mushy but true. And why did he slap you if you said that, yuz yuz?"

The glare burnt through another wall and melted a nearby lamp-post. "Because I didn't put it quite like that." At a nudge from Naruto, he soldiered on. "Because I may have been slightly more uncouth than that, whilst refusing to listen to his reasoning. In my defence, he certainly wasn't listening to me and he's meant to be the mature one!"Sasuke wailed, flinging his arms up and inadvertently thwacking Naruto in the jaw. "Uh, sorry. Didn't mean to punch you there."

"Yeowch..." Naruto rubbed his aching jaw, but carried on with his ten-a-penny relationship psychology. "So, why wouldn't Neji sleep with you this time, Sasuke-bastard?"

"Gyaaah! You know that, idiot-you hear it every time we have this discussion!" A deep breath was taken and the teen's glare vaporised a passing chihuahua. "Fine, moron. He said that his family wouldn't let him do it and that if he were to lose his virginity before marriage he'd be disowned. So I said that was just Academy bullshit, which is true, and that we're teenagers first and foremost-"

"Amen, bastard! Lookin' good and horny as hell, that's my motto!"

"Shut up! I'm trying to vent here! So I said that we could do whatever we really wanted and that I really wanted to go a bit further. But then Princess Prissypants got all high and mighty and started to ask about marriage."

Naruto winced. Marriage and Sasuke-or any form of permanent commitment and Sasuke-was a lethal mix. The loveable emo was delightfully unwilling to enter any sort of permanent bond with any Angel in Heaven. Now, Naruto had never asked why but the blonde felt it had rather a lot to do with the absolute trust and devotion Lil' Sasuke had placed in his dear older brother in the years before the Uchiha Massacre. Just a hint, you understand.

And Neji's desire to get married? Naruto decided that the brunette simply wanted to get the fuck away from his family as fast as humanly possible, with or without a willing accomplice. And Sasuke was perfectly willing in some respects...just really, really not in others.

It was all a bit of a pickle. Still, Naruto cheerfully resolved that it could easily be fixed if he could somehow deflate both Sasuke's and Neji's empirical-sized walking talking egos. Flopping back on the musty sofa, he slapped Sasuke hard on the back and grinned like a stoned Cheshire Cat.

"So, Sasuke-bastard, want to hear about MY day?

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If one were to mention Naruto Uzumaki in a crowded bar in the middle of downtown Heaven City, the drinkers and merrymakers would probably fall silent. They'd be a little bit shocked and a whole lot disgusted at the audacity one would have had to mention that name.

If one were to mention that name to Itachi Uchiha, he'd scoff and say that that blonde was the only thing in Heaven with enough sin to rival Deidara.

And if one were to mention that name to Deidara Awarii, he'd laugh and say that Naruto was his friend. Then he'd tell one to fuck off and leave his buddies alone, the kid's done nothing wrong, go and get your own life so you can stop worrying about all the other poor bastards up here.

There is (of course) a reason for all this hatred, and it's not one I like. I do believe some Angelic deeds should be wiped clean off the slate-but to deny a child the right to life is perhaps one that I should be spreading. Purely to highlight the corruption involved, you understand-never assume that I am opening cans of worms because I enjoy the aftertaste. And Naruto's story has a very bitter flavour...

Four hundred and three years ago, a very foolish Angel named Kureshina Uzumaki was assigned a perfectly standard mission-to stop an equally foolish young man named Minato Namikaze dealing drugs and going joyriding whilst drunk and high. Two of his friends had already been killed, and it was Kureshina's job to put an end to this high-spirited nonsense. It sounded easy enough.

Well, not exactly. You see, Minato saw Kureshina and he knew that she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his short life. And she saw him and realised that he was twice as hardcore as any of the Angels back home-you see, they fell in love. And back then the restrictions were just as harsh for wrongdoers, so, when Kureshina and Minato consummated their newfound love, the Angel Academy came crashing down on them hard and fast.

Minato, the Chief Justice Sarutobi decreed, was a vile, perverted sinner and should be kept away from Heaven and Kureshina at all costs-nonetheless, the original plan had been to revoke Kureshina's Angelhood completely and force her to stay on Earth with her lover. However, the young woman had fallen pregnant and it was ruled that whilst Kureshina was a rambunctious slut and a disgrace to Angelkind, no child of Heaven should be raised that close to Hell. So Kureshina and baby were forced to stay, despite her longing to be happy on Earth avec Minato.

Privately, Sarutobi thought they were just a couple of silly children who had had all the bad luck in the world heaped upon them. But since when has the actual opinion of an individual mattered in a democracy? At least the overall outcome had not been too...severe. Only two hearts had been broken this time.

Verily Kureshina carried her pregnancy to term, and bore an Angelic baby...with a hint of something else, something that didn't quite fit into the Academy guidelines. He looked just like his absent father, and had a similar sense of mischief/fun/pure evil. At first, all was not too bad for the young mother and her son-they had a home and a steady supply of protection from High Chief Justice Sarutobi. Admittedly there were...bad bits, but for a while all was fairly tolerable.

And then Kureshina had to go and die, didn't she? She wasn't killed fighting in the Demon Wars-oh no, that would have been far too acceptable!-or even murdered in a hate attack. She quite simply caught a nasty chest infection that, when treated, turned into something much more severe.

It all happened very fast after that. Kureshina died in a coward's way (Angelic ideas at the time were skewed because of the aftermath of the war), Angels almost rejoiced over the death-call it sick, I certainly did-and little Naruto Uzumaki was suddenly very alone indeed. Sarutobi tried to provide for him, but with all of Heaven to worry about, what was one little boy to a very busy man?

So Naruto grew up fast and he grew up tough-certainly tougher than Deidara when it came down to it. The boy lived in an orphanage for a while-but then the Matron kicked him out, claiming he was a child of the Devil. And eventually he found his church, the irony of which he had always appreciated.

His time at the Angel Academy was no better-some teachers refused to teach him, and the other students were less than welcoming. When placed in Training Teams for the first time, Sakura Haruno had summed up Heaven's attitude to the boy in two words-"Oh, eugh!"

Sasuke had simply ignored him. For the majority of this period, Iruka Umino had been the nicest thing in his life after the miraculous discovery of instant ramen. After all, Iruka had been the one to notice how lonely Naruto had been-inbuilt orphan sympathy, they felt-and had taken him to Heaven's pearly beaches for the first time, and had shown him how to first use his wings. Happy days for them both. But soon after joining Angelic Training Team 7 Kakashi Hatake had strolled into Naruto's life, as had his (less-than-recommending) teammates. And bonds were formed slowly but surely...people began to recognise Naruto for who he was and accept him-admittedly, this had been his crazy Academy class and a few of the nicer Angels, but to Naruto small steps were far better than nothing.

So many Angels still hated Naruto and everything that he had no control over but managed to represent, it was a miracle he had been given an apprenticeship in Fourth Division at all. Although this was Fourth Division, strange things happened there...Sasuke was currently fulfilling a very boring part-time project with Itachi high up in the towers of First Division (but he would have liked to be in Second Division, of course), and Sakura was fighting tooth and nail to become a trainee nurse under Tsunade-sama in Heaven City's primary hospital. Something about intensive care, apparently, although Naruto privately thought Sakura could only make you worse.

Well, we live and learn.

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Meanwhile, Tobi was making a complete pig's ear of the pot of tea he was supposed to be brewing. The Only Kettle in the Office was whistling like a hive of bees and drilling like Eddie Izzard. Somehow, that didn't sound too good.

Aw, crap...Sempai's gonna kiiiill meeee...

"Hey, Tobi-is that tea ready yet, yeah?"

In his panic, Tobi had managed to get his beloved green scarf wound around the HellKettle. "Aaargh! Crikey, Tobi's choking to death on his own scarf! Sempai, Tobi loves you!" A shrill trilling from the HellKettle harmonized nicely with his cries. Eventually releasing himself, Tobi glared with all his quasi-Uchiha might at the offending gadget.

"Oh, Tobi hates you!"

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"So how's your mission going, yeah? I heard you got some crazy punk kid, un."

"Awesome, believe it! I have met the man I fully intend to marry!"

As Tobi struggled with the HellKettle for a HellPot of HellTea, Deidara and Naruto were (of course) gossiping. The two blondes had met once upon a dream in a strange little part of the Academy classrooms and had soon become firm friends, it being they were regarded as the most sinful bastards in Heaven. It's hard to make friends with a pre-destined misconception like that, but it didn't exactly matter to them. Deidara had even helped Naruto get an apprenticeship in the Fourth Division-secretly; the younger blonde cherished quite a burning ambition to find his father (provided he wasn't dead.) So far all was going well.

"That good, yeah?"

Naruto's wildly exaggerated hand-n-hip movements told Deidara that it was. "It's fantastic, believe it! My third mission and I have already met the hottest guy on the entire planet! His name's Gaara and he's a total hardcore druggie schizophrenic mass-murderer, but he's only a year younger than me and boy he is HOT!"

Definitely having fun, then. Deidara (resplendent in his very unusual role as the wiser, older benefactor) simply smiled as Naruto lost himself in the wild throes of Gaara-related ecstasy.

"-he's kinda short but he's got this whole smexy evil punk thing going on, believe it, with all the chains and the great big boots and the ripped jeans and the scary eyeliner but he says he was born with it so it's nature over nurture there I think and his hair is just this amazing shade of red but he doesn't dye it and he's skinny, yeah, but hot skinny and ohmigod I just love his eyes-they're all big and really scary and he has this totally funky 'love' tattoo and I know he has deeply serious issues and all, believe it, but I really think we could get along. Or something."

Yup, the boy's in lust. But...

"Okay, you fancy the guy, un. What about the mission, yeah? Will he listen?"

Naruto's smile didn't falter. "Not in the slightest! He thinks I'm a large pile of shit who's been taking too many drugs and that I nicked my wings from a fancy dress shop. I ask you, who steals orange wings? But I was just like 'lol, you're real purdy' and then he was just like 'bitch, get the hell out of here you stupid motherfucker' and so I kind of did! This was before he tried to punch me, you see. So I'm not sure how much of an actual success this one will be...believe it."

"Ack, you're doomed. At least my new guy acknowledged my existence, yeah! Mind you, un, he thinks I escaped from his friend's loony bin...It's always redheads, huh? Mine's a psycho too, un."

Naruto and Deidara shared sympathetic looks. Meanwhile, the HellKettle became alive and began to beat Tobi into a mushy pile of pulp. Some things never change.

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And now we come to a different side of this narrative, one that I did not expect to tell. But of course, all tales are necessary? It is in a different direction this time.

Kakashi was an excellent Angel in some respects and the largest bastard in the world in others. Depending on what you classed as important he could have be the greatest man to ever walk the planet (when he was alive) or the largest and most obscenely odorous pile of dog excrement you'd ever have stepped in. Charming picture, no? The barracks of the Second Division were his stomping ground (minus the war memorials, of course) and his main redeeming features were his loyalty, his skill and his superhuman ability to turn useless dropouts into Angelic killers. Perhaps not so attractive was the constant reading of that little porn book, leading to a rather large sex drive that'd he'd satisfy almost anywhere-this had got him in deep trouble on several occasions.

Not that we talk about those, of course. But Kakashi's...willingness to sleep with all and sundry was rather frowned upon by the goodly Angels of Heaven City. And whilst his wife Rin had died hundreds of years ago in the Demon Wars-surely a man should be allowed to relive his grief?-and as such his chance of sex had plummeted, the fact remained that he liked to carry it on with underage boys. Older women, younger men-that was his unofficial smex motto.

Right now he was whipping a handful of new recruits into various shapes. One of them, Tenten, looked particularly peeved. Apparently handstands didn't suit her?

"Kakashi-sensei, can we please do something more practical?" Tenten was red and sweaty after the exercise-she was panting slightly and her hands were on her knees. Around her the picture was similar, differing only by the varying degrees of attractiveness the students possessed.

"Oh? Are handstands not practical enough?" A silver eyebrow was raised.

She glared. "Well, I just want to do something more productive with my time! We did handstands back at the Academy-"

Ah, the Academy. Kakashi laughed slightly and cracked open his lil' book of porn. "Listen, babies, this is not the Academy. Now don't get me wrong"-he said, silencing any protestors with an apathetic wave of his book-"I know I taught you there too. But this is a leetle bit different-you're focusing completely on one specific task: to withdraw the Holy Spirit from inside you and use it as a highly effective fighting weapon. Whilst I'm hoping that you can already do this, it will take time and a hell of a lot of patience before you're on par with me or, say, a Demon."

The students looked huffy-they'd heard this all before. "...And I know you've heard me give this happy little pep-talk a hundred times beforehand, so I'll be brief. Fighting with something as pure as the Holy Spirit is nothing like your previous experiences of utilising it. There you were using it to defend, to help you make rational judgements or to influence a human. Now you're killing with the essence of good-ergo, you need the mental stamina as well as the physical strength to slug a sword around. Get it?"

The older Angel paused and drew a deep breath-they wouldn't get the message today or anytime even remotely soon. It would take decades and decades of blood-strewn battlefields and of friends dying for absolutely no gain before they would appreciate how pure of heart you had to be to kill with God's primary powers. How self-righteous and utterly, devastatingly holy...

Not just anybody could do it. But it could be used in other ways, of course-highly effective ways on a battlefield-an Angel with no Second Division training but all the power of the Fourth could wreak havoc if made to fight an army of Demons.

"But I still don't get why we have to do handstands in giant sumo outfits?" Tenten wailed, cutting through Kakashi's destructive reverie. The man merely smiled.

"That, Tenten, would be because I enjoy watching you suffer. Now chop-chop-three hundred sumo handstands won't do themselves!"

As one the students groaned, each silently vowing to Kill The Bastard. Theological reasoning be damned, handstands just weren't worth it.

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People are constantly egocentric-it doesn't matter who or what or what or where they are, they'll think about themselves. Such was the case with Sasori.

"Konan, how are you going with those balaclavas?! I'm getting stressy!"

"Fine, honey, I'm on the ninth. Now why don't you just calm down and drink some nice herbal tea?"

"Look, motherfuckers-I'm all for success but do we have to do the whole breaking-and entering shit? I'd rather fuck a dead weasel than sacrifice the fucking opportunity to bugger up someone's front door..."

"Zetsu, how long do you think it's been since we've seen a decent piece of road kill? Ah, a while. Perhaps we should pick some up after the Heist? If we survive, that is...Oh, don't be so gloomy!"

"So there were all these kids at the aquarium and they were like "your momma is so stinky, only a fish could take it" and then I was just like "bitch! Don't you go disrespecting my momma, because she is one hell of an attractive lady!" So I yelled a bit and scared them but then I, uh, got thrown out..."

"Exactly how does this relate to-a) money or the distinct possibility of me gaining money in the near future or b) the Big Heist? Kisame, finances won't shrink themselves...It's up to us to scrimp and save! Man, I love the Credit Crunch..."

Yes, once again we come to the petty criminals of the fearless, infamous and quite possibly brainless Akatsuki. These are the men and woman who strike fear into the hearts of greengrocers everywhere in case their Iceberg lettuces or Sicilian plums are plundered, or any lingerie store owner when Hidan barges in with a chocolate gun demanding a pair of panties. Children cry, mothers fret and the police are allowed silent chuckles as they pretend to deal with the heinous crime of graffitting 'AKATZUKI RULEZ' on the back of the Amegakure Infant School's canteen.

Incompetent, yes? It certainly seems so. But if there is one thing I have learnt in life it is that you should never judge six books by one cover. Perhaps then you will realise that the cover is just that-a cover, a clever little device that allows the other activities of a seemingly harmless and rather hilarious gang of bored friends to be ignored completely, as they say. Akatsuki, they scoff? Oh, they're just a bunch of local yuppies bored out of their skulls. They don't do much except sit around and drink cheap whiskey. Perfectly harmless, would never hurt a fly, unorthodox people certainly but by the by they're lovely chaps-one of them is on the city council, you know.

That would be a reaction from any Amegakure civilian. However, if you were to mention something slightly different to an officer from Suna or Konoha (to name but a few) you'd get something very different indeed...

"Red Dawn? Holy shit, where? Bob, get backup and the Special Forces-we give 'em all we've got or die try-what do you mean they're not actually here? Jeez, lady, you could've said..."

Yes! With the Big Heist looming it is vital that you realise that Akatsuki and Red Dawn are, whilst both sounding extremely stupid, two very different things.

The Akatsuki, for example, trundle around in a little van painted like the Mystery Machine. They go and buy ice creams at Amegakure's recreation ground and on Sundays they go and sing 'Sweetly Comes the Donkey' to old people.

Red Dawn, however, hate old people. Their getaway van is blacker than the night and twice as fast. If they ever have the misfortune to be in a playground they like to stomp on all the little children. Red Dawn does assassinations, they do protection, they supply drugs to people like Shino Aburame, they steal the life savings of old women and they don't give a fuck about whose hearts they're breaking in the process. Such is life. People cannot mask who they are for very long, and when Hidan, Pein, Konan, Kakuzu, Kisame and Zetsu first met, each saw something...unusual in the other.

You could call it evil. Mind you, ambition and power were also there. Loneliness too, and despair-a burning desire to be accepted by a heinously judgemental society. Overwhelming insanity? Perhaps...but people are what they are. To change Red Dawn would be akin to parting the Red Sea (a miracle of Biblical proportions.) And if we could, would we?

So, they're hated hardened criminals and they're planning to rob a bank complete with balaclavas, insider knowledge (praise be to Zetsu!), lots of dynamite, walkie-talkies and more AK 47s than you could shake a stick at. Sounds good to me...

But one happy little Akatsuki elf was not quite feeling the delightful robbing vibes. This was, of course, Sasori no Akasuna. And he was ever so slightly beginning to reconsider his life thanks to the more-than-a-little manipulative influences of one Deidara Awarii, Angelic Guidance Counsellor Supreme!

Over the past few weeks everyone's favourite blonde had been incredibly busy influencing Sasori in every way possible-and soon enough the poor man found his sheets cleaned, his windows open, his thoughts pure and his apartment filled with joyful springtime flowers. Furthermore, he found that he rather liked not smoking three joints before bedtime and not getting through an entire crate of whiskey a week...Sasori had been very tentatively introduced to the prospect of clean living and now if one were to enter his apartment they would see a happy haven, complete with a copy of Good Housekeeping on the coffee table and no porn in sight. Well done, Sasori!

Obviously these changes were not permanent-Angels influence their targets by sending emotions and thought waves into their targets by using the Holy Spirit, so in essence they could have complete control over a man's emotions. However, this change is never permanent-for a mission to be a true success the human must realise that their lifestyle is wrong and actively want to change! Then it's full steam ahead, promotion for the Angel...

And thus Sasori was seriously reconsidering going ahead with the Big Heist.

"Uh, guys? I have an objection to make."

The squabbling lumps of matter that he deigned to occasionally call his friends stopped bickering and looked at the redhead. Then Kisame spoke up.

"Oh God...is it moral or social?"

Sasori simply glared. "Moral, actually. And what the hell is a social objection?"

"No idea". The blue-haired man shrugged. "Talk to Pein, we honestly don't give a shit."

"Fine then!" Sasori turned around to see the man himself calmly sucking up camomile tea through a plastic straw. And then he blinked.

"You know, drinking warm beverages through a straw only makes them warmer. So if you're trying not to burn your tongue you've failed miserably" he said in a distinctly bored tone.

Pein merely smiled. "Judge as you will, but the calming effects o' herbal tea should never be underestimated."

"Whatever. Anyway, I have a moral objection to the Big Heist."

A ginger eyebrow was raised, but soon fell again under the weight of the seventy-six piercings it contained. "Oh? Any particular reason why?"

"Eh, not really. I just thought that perhaps instead of going in through the super-guarded way and blasting our way through we could instead sneak in through the vents and not kill all the staff we happen to come across. You know, as a matter of principle."

"And this is coming from Mr-I-Slaughtered-My-Parents-And-Turned-Them-Into-Puppets-At-The-Age-Of-Two? I always knew you were a hypocrite, you ginger bastard."

"Excuse me? Anyway, relax. I'm not trying to sabotage the Big Heist-I'm not stupid. We all need the money. I'm just...trying to prevent needless loss of human life. Really."

"I still don't believe you. Are you on different drugs again? Because you know that every time you steal someone else's prescribed medication a puppy dies. How many puppies have you killed today, Sasori? How many puppies?"

"I haven't killed any motherfucking puppies! I've just...become a better person who wishes to share a long and happy life-"(Pein snorted)-"with others who would otherwise die because of our course of action."

Noisily, Pein slurped up the last of his camomile tea. "Well, do what you like. If you can convince the others I really don't give a shit as long as we get the money. You do still want the money, right?"

"Fuck yeah! I haven't paid my electricity bill in weeks..."

"Good. Otherwise I think I'd have to kill you. So yeah, it's just if you can convince the others..." With that, Pein got to his feet and swept over with a swish of his distinctly metrosexual Akatsuki robes to where his beloved wife Konan was still knitting the bloody balaclavas.

"But by the way...I did promise Hidan that we could have a teensy-weensy killing spree, and he's been so good all week....only sacrificing squirrels, you know...so good luck!"

And in the corner Hidan stabbed a cockroach with a piece of cheese before eating it. "Die, you motherfucking roaches! As Jashin said-'when the roaches die, thank me they didn't turn into giant killer aliens and eat you first'. So by eating this filthy piece of pussy I am doing you heathens a glorious favour..."

Oh dear. Somehow Sasori's newfound love of humanity seemed a tad inconvenient...

Up in Heaven, Deidara sighed. Who the fuck eats cockroaches and cheese anyway?

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That's all for now! I'm really sorry about the long wait-I was working on something else and my Internet has sort of broken...

Apologies if any of the characters (NEJISASUKENEJI) were OOC, there are some I just can't seem to take seriously. And I know there's no SasoDei action (that's in the next chapter!) but we did get to meet Naruto!

*belated whoop*

Anyway, thank you for reading. See you next time!