MP: I thought my vent fic days were through with 'Power,' but I can't get more than five minutes into the new episode, Requiem, without ranting out loud, so here comes another Lana Vent/Bash fic. More Bash than Vent.

Special appearance by htbthomas.

DISCLAIMER: Superman and Smallville are not mine.

Operation Get Lana

Lana Lang had no idea that there were people conspiring against her, at this very moment. Lana could never believe anyone would conspire against her, except for maybe Lex or Oliver Queen. Well it wasn't conspiring per say: They were planning an intervention for Clark Kent.

In a room were three forms. One was wearing a cloak; the other two were obscured in shadows.

"You sure we can get away with this?" asked one of the ones in shadow, the voice sounded like it was being distorted. Light reflected off them indicating this speaker was wearing armor.

"Maybe, we just need to kidnap her at the right time." said the cloaked one; the voice suggested it was a girl, "After the last attempts I don't know if luring her out by being a villain attack Metropolis will work. What if Clark shows up and thwarts us? I don't know about you guys but I'm fresh out of Green Kryptonite and the MSEL is fresh out with policing the Realm of Fanfiction let alone Cannonverse."

"It'll work. We'll lure Clark at one end and you'll get Lana." said the second of the two shadowed forms, the voice suggesting this was a woman.

So the apparent youngest of the group was stuck in the middle of Metropolis already looking suspicious because she refused to change out of her strange cloak. Hooded cloaks weren't exactly à la mode in the Twenty First Century.

'Now what do I do? Think MP, think!' the cloaked form thought. She saw Lana walking through the city and sighed,

"Show time." She pulled out a pencil and it looked like she scribbled in the air. Words and letters swirled around her and a futuristic weapon landed in her hands.

"Here goes nothing." she said flipping a switch on the gun. She squeezed the trigger and aimed at Lana, the blue bolts lacing through the crowds and locking onto Lana and her bio-suit, shorting it out and knocking her senseless.

"Man! I've always wanted to stun someone!" said the girl as she walked over to Lana and grabbed her. She saw people screaming.

'Great.' she thought, 'Just peachy. Five minutes into this job and I've already screwed up.' Lana shook off the stun bolt and threw MP into a building.

"Ouch!" MP said from the hole she made. The second speaker from the dark meeting place appeared. They were incased from head to toe in black armor. They were obviously masculine and his visor was a one way mirror. He pulled MP from the hole and set her down gently.

"Thanks, big guy. Get her before the Mary Sue within activates." said MP standing up trying not to cry out in pain, and failing.

Lana heard the strange girl talk and shrugged it off. The girl was obviously some villain working for Lex, otherwise she was just a villain.

"I'm going to stop you for the good of, well Good!" said Lana.

"Get her quick! she's getting redundant." said Barbara appearing.

"Where's Clark?" asked MP panicked looking around for the young Kryptonian for the first time really acknowledging the fact the armored man was there.

"I called in a favor with Jor-El." said Barbara. Lana's eyes narrowed. She landed and slipped into perfect form, rays of light beginning to form around her.

"Oh no! Her perfection is increasing!" said MP. Lana charged the armored form and he began to fight her.

"Why are you trying to hurt me! I'm saving all that's good!" she said.

"Watch out, her IQ's dropping!" said Barbara.

"She won't hurt me." the armored form.

'I need to get those powers from her.' MP thought fumbling with a device with the MSEL acronym on it; it was no good her hands were shaking. She shook her head and tossed it to Barbara. "I'd shoot her but I might hit the big guy!"

"I am Lana LANG!" Lana said throwing the armored man into a building. Her hair was getting more luxurious, her complexion more flawless. "I'm the perfect warrior for the greater good!"

"Barbara, that device." said the armored man. Barbara threw it to him and he aimed it at Lana, who used a poorly formed perfection ray to knock off his helmet. She froze. Looking at her was a man she loved. He fired it knocking her to the ground. MP and Barbara bent over her and Barbara shook her head at MP

"It's too late now. She's a Mary Sue for good." said Barbara as MP pulled out special handcuffs.

"Clark?" asked Lana in confusion. "Why? I'm your perfect other half." she said as the Smallville Clark appeared. He saw himself standing over Lana?

"What's going on here?" Clark demanded.

"Clark Kent meet Superman. Superman, thanks for helping us. The MSEL thanks you for your efforts." said Barbara.

"I couldn't let her influence ruin my younger self." said Superman.

"But I'm perfect!" cried Lana piteously. Superman sighed,

"A seer from my universe for saw horrible things for this Clark if he remained under her influence. I'll take her to the MSEL headquarters." said Superman. Clark couldn't believe his eyes or ears.

"I'm not going to let you take her!" said Clark.

"Uh, look, Lex Luthor!" said MP pointing one direction Clark looks and Superman flies away.

"What-?!" said Clark, angrily.

"See Lana clouds your judgment. I'll be if Lana told you that Lois was a threat you'd start suspecting her." said MP.

Clark looked at MP outraged,

"Lan'd have-," he began before it dawned on her, she was right.

"You've made some of your stupidest decisions because of her. You've wasted so much time pining for her. Move on. It gets better. You meet a stronger woman who doesn't need to steal a bio-weapon to feel she is equal with you. With Lana around you almost lost her." said MP.

"Her, wait, Lois?" asked Clark in shock.

"See? The Lana Drama Brain fog is lifting!" said MP. Barbara nodded.

"With her your future is bright and your love is real." said Barbara. "Come along Barb, we have some forms to fill out."

"Yes, Barbara." said MP (Barb) glumly. "Paper work: Couldn't I do some extra field work?" she muttered as the pair vanished in a whirl of letters, earning a laugh from Barbara.

In the Mary Sue Elimination League Prison,

It was a prison guarded by several moats filled with crocodiles and electric fences, there were also land mines imbedded in the ground at random. There was a plaque on the door with the words,

'The MSEL extends a warm welcome to the aid of the JLA in guarding the threat to realistic characters everywhere from the increasing threats of Mary Sues and Gary Stus.'

"LET ME GO! I'M TOO PERFECT FOR THIS PLACE! I CAN PERFECT THE WORLD!" said Lana kicking in Superman's grip. An old man reading a book was sitting by the door.

"Another one Superman?" asked the man, "This is your second one today."

"Yes, Alfred. How did you end up on guard duty again?" asked Superman confused.

"Master Bruce and Miss Prince had a date tonight and I offered to hold down this particular fort." said Alfred.

"This one's really far gone." said Superman grimly.

"No I'm perfect!" said Lana thrashing in his grip. Alfred sighed, it was always sad to see one so young go this way.

Superman opened a cell that had a group of girls sigh and call out for him. He threw Lana in and slammed it shut. Around Lana were girls of varying hair colors, many blondes, most if not all well endowed and muscular. And most weren't even trying to escape.

"Who's this?" asked one.

"I'm perfect!" said Lana like a broken record.

"No I am!"

"No I am!" soon all the girls were fighting over their perfection.

"Sorry Alfred." said Superman exiting. Alfred simply put in a pair of ear plugs to drown out the screams of the warring Mary Sues.

That was typical in this particular asylum.

THE END

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MP: Sorry if it's not as funny as the other. This is probably my last Lana Bash fic and it's my way to celebrate the fact she will never and can never show up again.

Halleluiah!