My Old Desk is Picturesque

A/N: Okay, so this fic has a pretty specific time line. It follows canon until the almost end of Let Them Eat Cake. For the purposes of this story, everything that happened in LTEC happened except that Cuddy never saw House with the stupid hooker. I prefer conflict to be internal and not in the form of lame plot devices. Therefore, in my world, Cuddy went to go talk to him about the desk but then chickened out for her own neurotic reasons. This starts up a few days later.

Chapter One: What's Free is Yours

I make up promises you never made
to waste space and time
and make like I'm doing fine
make like I'm having a fun time

Cuddy bursts through her office door in a blind rage. She is frantically trying to fan the water off her shirt that House has just purposely spilled all down her front. Thanks to him, she had just given quite a show to anyone who was fortunate enough to be in the vicinity of the nurses station of the clinic.

The backlash of the door almost hits House in the face as he trails behind her. House is undaunted by the door in his face happily making his way into Cuddy's office. He has a Cheshire grin on his face and a glint in his blue eyes.

"I wish I was more surprised that you deliberately spilled that glass of water on me," Cuddy growls. "Actually, it was more like a bucket. I am soaked."

"Wow. You left that one right open, Cuddy. Too many vagina jokes too little time. Come on, you cannot be mad. You were asking for it. I mean do not wear a thin white shirt to work and expect me not to think wet T-shirt contest. It's really not fair." House shrugs as if his explanation is completely logical.

"I hate you. Damn it, you are seriously twelve years old!" Cuddy grumbles in pure frustration. She takes a few steps towards House giving him a patent glare.

"And you just made my twelve year old day." House responds openly leering down at her wet top. "Now if only I could get Lynda Carter to sex me up. Then all my adolescent dreams would come true! To clarify, I mean her in all her Wonder Woman glory. You know the boots, the cuffs, and the patriotic one piece, not her now all old and wrinkly."

"Well thank God you clarified! I would have been awake all night worrying about what you meant otherwise." Cuddy sarcastically returns. As she speaks, she retreats from House and leans back against the front of her desk.

"So what about you, Cudster? What got your digits twisting back in the day? Was it the Fonze or Chachi?" House returns while making a few steps in her direction.

"Yuck, neither." Cuddy immediately replies.

Cuddy makes a point of sticking out her chest letting the wet material stretch across her breasts, as House inches closer to her. She hears his intake of breath at her display and inwardly gives herself a high five. She is keenly aware of the fact that she has not seen House's eyes once since he followed her into her office. His attention is clearly on the show he has created for himself.

Cuddy thinks that if he wants a show, she is damn well going to give him one. A show of something he will never ever have again. His latest antics make it clear to her that she has made the right decision when deciding not to talk to him about the desk. The very desk she was currently leaning against that he had reacquired for her new office. Sure, she knows that he can be occasionally sweet. However, nine times out of ten he was the man who was currently ogling her. He was an obnoxious ass who grabbed her breasts and poured water down her shirt. She just needed to keep reminding herself of those particular facts.

"But there was someone who's poster a pig tailed Cuddy tongue kissed and pretend pillow humped every night before bed." House continues with his train of thought.

"Yes, House I was a normal adolescent girl. Though I never pillow humped anything, or wore pigtails for that matter."

"I notice you didn't deny the tongue kissing part. So what got a young Cuddy's kitten's flood gates opening?" House asks giddy to be in control of the conversation.

"You are seriously disgusting. I do not intend to tell you anything. In fact, now would be a great time for you to get out of my office," Cuddy orders.

"Really, so the crush was that embarrassing. Now I have to know. Was it Gofer?"

"Who the hell is Gofer?" Cuddy asks. Absently wondering how House always manages to get her to engage in whatever conversation he is intent on having. She laments the fact that she can never seem to do the same with him.

"From the Love Boat," House says with a "duh" tone to his voice.

"You watched the Love Boat!" Cuddy laughs, "Oh, I am so happy I know this. Note to self, tell Wilson about House's man crush on Gofer."

"That is not what I said. You are just trying to get me off track. It is not going to work. Oh, I have it, The Six Million Dollar Man!"

"Never going to tell you," Cuddy replies in a singsong voice but the pause before she speaks gives her away.

"I am pretty sure you just did. Everyone else you just flat out denied. That is not as embarrassing as I thought it would be. Although, it shows you have always had a thing for cripples." House declares with a smirk while pointing a finger in his own direction.

House leans back on her desk as he speaks taking the space next to her, so that their shoulders are almost touching. Being with her on the old pile of wood briefly reminds him of all the trouble he went through to get this particular desk. He is actually surprised that it had been a few days and she had not mentioned it to him. He absently wonders if she is really so absorbed in the hospital (the only baby she has left) that she has not noticed his gesture. On the other hand, maybe she did notice and just did not care.

As he sits awaiting Cuddy's response, he is feeling a great sense of relief that she had not mentioned the desk. He only realized (after there was no going back) that she would probably want to talk about it. He was no good at talking about things of this nature. Unless his goal was to make everything worse because he knows that he excels at that. House felt that enough assortments of problems had been unleashed between them lately without adding college memories to the mix. In fact, that was why he was here in the first place. He was trying to undo some of the damage their eager mouths had brought them. Bringing up the desk was not the way to get them back to their old selves.

"I don't nor have I ever had a thing for you. Shut up, House." Cuddy's cheeks redden as she speaks. Her agitated voice breaks House from his thoughts.

"That's not the impression I got a few days ago." House turns to look at her as he speaks and immediately notices the look of unabashed fury on Cuddy's face.

He quickly realizes this conversation could go down a dangerous path but being who he is it does not dissuade him from continuing.

"Now I see that it is all part of your sick little fetish. Your mouth may say no, but your wet t-shirt tells no lies."

"You see House, it's times like these where I am faced with a real dilemma. Do I go with option "A" and let whatever horrible demeaning thing you just said go for the sake of my sanity and your life. Or do I go with "B" and get so damn frustrated with you that some of that cartoon steam begins actually exploding out of my ears. Quickly followed by me kicking you repeatedly with my pointy heals alternating between your bad leg and groin."

"Well I think option "A" sounds better for the both of us. Although, I have to say the steam coming out of your ears and the heels does sound rather hot. The leg slash groin kicking not so much." House retorts happy that Cuddy is going with the anger inside of her that he enjoys dealing with. Instead of the hurt, he never knows quite how to handle.

"Option "A" it is. Now get the hell out of my office you stupid immature ass!" Cuddy says her tone rising with each syllable.

"You just want me to leave because if I stick around you won't be able to control your desire to live out your million dollar fantasies with me."

"GET OUT!" Cuddy screams.

"Fine, but don't think I will forget about this."

"Go now, or my next call is to Wilson. Where I am going to tell him you confessed your dreams of your own version of the Love Boat. One that stars you and him as two dreamy eyed naked lovers." Cuddy says twisting her body and grabbing the phone from behind her.

"He will know you are bluffing."

Cuddy starts humming the Love Boat theme as she begins to dial. The action finally gets House to push himself off the desk and make his way out of her office.

After the door firmly shuts behind House, Cuddy hops off her desk and sits down in her office chair. Her thoughts are all about her latest encounter with the man. She notes that the interaction had almost been like the old pre-kiss them. He had been flirty and inappropriate without any of the brooding intensity. It seemed like things might be getting back to normal between them. Which she keeps swearing to herself is what she wants. She refuses to acknowledge the overwhelming feeling of sadness that is settling upon her has anything to do with it actually coming to fruition.

Meanwhile, House makes his way back to his office. He is ruminating over the encounter just as Cuddy was doing. The water incident had been a test on his part. He was tired of tip toeing around her, or declaring full on war with her, or worse her openly confronting him. He missed the old more subtle push and pull they had and that was what he wanted to preserve. This was his way of seeing if they could go back to the rhythm that had sustained them for so long. Cuddy had ended up playing along rather brilliantly.

House was now confident that things did not have to change, which was just the way he liked it. He was trying not to question why this did not leave him with the sense of triumph he thought he would have. He popped a Vicodin hoping it would numb him a little in any sense of the word as he stepped into the awaiting elevator.

Later that afternoon, House is making his way back to his office from the bathroom. He notices Cuddy is in the hall outside his doors talking to an older balding man. She is giving the man a smile House knows she reserves for those she truly hates but needs to charm. From the grit of her teeth and her submissive stance, House deduces the bald dude must be a big donor and probably a bigger jerk. House approaches Cuddy fully anticipating making a scene just to throw her off and see what the ugly man's deal was. He is a little disappointed that as he approaches she turns around and watches the elderly man walk away from her.

"Asshole," Cuddy grumbles under her breath as soon as the man is out of hearing distance.

"Hey, I just got here and already with the name calling."

"Miraculously this time I actually wasn't talking about you." Cuddy spins around to face the familiar voice.

"What did that guy do to incur all mighty Satan's wrath?" House asks conversationally.

"Mr. Floyd is a big donor and apparently a big anti-Semite. He decided it was appropriate to let me know that my nose was a dead give away for my Jewish heritage. I phrased it nicer than he did of course."

"That's the thing with Jew girls, great bodies, and unfortunate noses." House retorts with a wink.

"See and that's the thing with cripples, great eyes, and unfortunate dick sizes." Cuddy replies without missing a beat.

"Hey, that is just plain mean!"

"As opposed to all the love you have been sending my way."

"It's also a blatant lie. I know it has been along time since you have had the pleasure but don't think I won't whip it out right now and remind you…" House begins to fake go for his belt.

"Go for it. I am sure Kutner and Thirteen would enjoy the pathetic little show." Cuddy says turning to look at the members of his team through the glass walls. One-step away from waving at them to prove her point.

"I don't know why you are pissed at me. I only was commenting on that creepy donors comment to you." House relents releasing his hand from his buckle.

"Well I have to take his shit, you not so much."

"It's pretty clear to me how you get all those donations, anyway." House responds slightly changing the subject.

"Oh this ought to be good." Cuddy sarcastically retorts.

"Blow jobs," House triumphantly and rather loudly announces happily awaiting her reaction.

"I have way more respect for myself than that, just hand jobs," Cuddy deadpans.

"Oh well played." House says almost laughing. He loves the fact that she can still surprise him. He thought for sure she would get angry and not play along.

"As fun as this has been, which actually is absolutely no fun at all, I have work to do. Also, I know you were supposed to be in the Clinic fifteen minutes ago so you better get your ass down there."

"But Mooooooom…." House whines.

"Clinic!" Cuddy turns around and speaks over her shoulder as she heads towards the elevators. She makes sure to add an extra bounce to her step knowing House is checking out her ass as she walks away. Cuddy tries not to question why her new goal is to make damn sure she reminds House of exactly what he is missing any chance she gets.

After Cuddy's gorgeous ass is out of House's line of vision he makes no move to head to the clinic. Instead, House decides to pay Wilson a visit. He is eager to let him in on some of his new insights.

"I think Cuddy and I are finally getting back to normal," House declares as he explodes through Wilson's door.

Wilson looks up from his paper work nonplussed at his friend's rather dramatic entrance.

"Hmm… that is funny. Normal is not a word I would ever use to describe you…. Or Cuddy for that matter….And especially not you and Cuddy together. What are you talking about, House?"

"I have had two encounters with her today and it was all banter and snark and pretty low on the weird tension. I told her she has a big nose. Hell, I even made a blow job joke. Hell, she made a hand job joke. It was classic... Oh and if Cuddy mentions anything about the Love Boat just know that it's not true."

"Wow, the stuff of fairy tales… I give it about a week. And the Love Boat, what the hell are you talking about?" Wilson questions.

"Give what a week?" House replies purposely ignoring the Love Boat part of Wilson's question.

"A week until you're either full on fighting again or making out. I am not sure which…Yet. Actually, it will probably be another round of World War II battling because you both seem too stubborn to go for the actual fun sane option." Wilson reasons aloud.

"I just told you things are back to normal. You know evil administrator and rabble rousing employee." House grumps unhappy that Wilson is refusing to go along with him.

"Yeah, because I am sure before you guys kissed you would have totally gotten her old med school desk for her new office." Wilson has been patiently waiting for the perfect moment to bring up what he had witnessed the other day in Cuddy's office. He is happy that House has just created it.

"She told you about that?" House asks cryptically.

House stores away the information that she had noticed the desk, and she did know it was him. He shortly wonders if her memories of what happened on that very desk were as vivid as his were.

"I was there when she discovered it." Wilson confirms. "She looked happy, really happy."

"What exactly did she say?" House tries to get more information out of his best friend.

"You two haven't talked about it?" Wilson questions noticing House's far off look. "Typical. I thought for sure, when she left her office she was going to see you. Why did you do that by the way? It does not really go along with well anything I know about you. It was actually sweet. One might even say it was romantic. It does not really compute with your whole, I do not want a relationship mishegas. "

"I am not sweet. There is no romantic anything between Cuddy and I. I was just making up for some semi inappropriate touching. I didn't want the she beast to fire me." House reveals.

"Right, cause you are so big on righting your wrongs. I hate to break it to you, but you two are not back to normal. You like her and you have always liked her. It is in the air now, kissing her released it. You really like her. Maybe you think you can go back but you can't. You can't unring a bell." Wilson sagely notes.

"I don't even know why I bother talking to you. You are an overly sentimental, cliché spouting, giant sausage wallet." House grouches dramatically walking out of Wilson's office slamming the door behind him.

Song Credit: What's Free is Yours, Pony Up!

Next up: Cuddy remembers exactly what happened on the desk truly earning this fic its M rating. I have the chapter all ready to go, and reviews are a great motivation for me to post. In case that was not subtle enough for you, review please. I am shameless.