Stamford, Connecticut. Two weeks ago. We received classified intelligence that a new, super-cool, uber-powerful new Metal Gear prototype is being developed right here in the seemingly innocent looking state of Connecticut. Innocent my ass. The whole thing stank. Kept our noses out in the rain too long.

"What the hell are you doing?!?" Otacon yelled, his eyes filled with tears and his pants stained by urine.

"Uh, I'm monologuing…why?" Snake said sheepishly.

"Have you notice we're being shot at!" Otacon screamed in a girly tone.

Snake turned and saw at least a dozen guards, armed with M4 carbines and 45's. One of the bullets whizzed passed him, destroying half the cigarette he was smoking in his mouth. At once, Snake screamed in his girliest voice yet and followed Otacon down the hallway. The guards continued to shoot, even as the two jumped out the window. It must've been fifteen feet or more, but the unlikely duo couldn't care less. They landed into a glass ceiling, shattering it in the process. The room they were in was dark, but uninhabited. Letting out a sigh of relief, Snake and Otacon did their secret handshake with child-like enthusiasm. They finished it up with a great high-five, but as they raised their hands into the air, an alarm suddenly triggered. The once dark room was suddenly lit…with infared sensors.

"Crap!" They said simultaneously.

"There they are! Get 'em!" A guard said.

Snake and Otacon made a run for the door, ignoring all the sensors, not knowing they were now triggering all sorts of alarms all over the building.

"Otacon!" Snake yelled.

"Yeah?!" Otacon answered, his eyes still wet with tears.

"I forgot to ask you before we left…WHY ARE YOU HERE?"

"I told you, there was nothing on TV except for Moulin Rouge! So I came along."

"Wait! You love the Moulin Rouge!"

"Yeah, but Nichole Kidman's not doing it for me anymore…I've moved on…to Megan Fox!" Otacon said, his eyes suddenly heart-shaped.

"In here! Through this conveniently opened cargo door!" Snake said as they continued to evade the guards.

Stamford, Connecticut. En route to Europe where EVA, Naomi Hunter and I would plan a huge insurrection that would take place on a global scale if only to resurrect Big Boss and end The Patriots, I was side-tracked by the information given to me about a new, super-cool, uber-powerful new Metal Gear prototype. I would check out this new Metal Gear model and then have my left arm removed in exchanged for a robotic one.

"Uh…that's great but why are you telling me this?" A guard said, pissing in the urinal next to him.

Revolver Ocelot was in the men's room. He and the guard were the only ones there. The guard stared at him uneasily.

"Oh, well, um…I guess I was having another flashback…I fought in the Cold War, you know."

"That wasn't a flashback! You were narrating some--"

"Monologuing. The term is monologuing." Ocelot corrected him.

The guard rolled his eyes. "Ok, fine. Monologuing…wait, the Cold War wasn't an actual war! It was a state of non-violent conflict that existed between the United States and the USSR and their respective allies!"

Ocelot stared into his eyes with a blank expression. "YOU LIE!!!"

Gripping the handle of his Single Action Army revolver, he smacked the guard in the head as hard as he could. Knocking the guard out, he finished pissing, washed his hands and walked away. As he opened the door, he literally bumped into two familiar faces.

"Snake?!" Ocelot said.

"Ocelot?!" Snake said in disbelief.

"BBBBRRRROOOOOOTTTTTTTHHHEEEERRRR!" Ocelot said, raising his arm in the air, looking as if he was possessed by a spirit or something. After a while, he recovered.

"Aw, shit…not this again." Ocelot said to himself.

"There they are! And they've got a third man! Get 'em!" A guard yelled.

With that yell, every guard in the vicinity suddenly had an exclamation point appearing above their heads. All eyes and guns were directed at them. Ocelot suddenly felt a warm, wet sensation in his pants.

"Whoops! I guess I wasn't done pissing after all…" Ocelot said.

"Naw, that was me." Otacon said, zipping up. "My pants are full and wet so I decided to unload on you. Hope you don't mind."

Ocelot and Snake both glared at him.

"What?! I piss on other people all the time!"

"Yeah, but these slacks are brand new…" Ocelot said sadly.

A hand-grenade flew into the air and landed on their feet. The three of them ran for it and dramatically jumped up in slow-motion as the explosion raged behind them. As always, the guards were in hot pursuit. They ran through confusing corridors and maze-like hallways until finally, they had reached the lowest level of the building's basement.

Stamford, Connecticut. It's been a year since the Big Shell incident. My wife, Rose, had miscarried our child and left me for an older man. A far older man. I was going to go to Area 51 where, according to classified information, Olga Gurlukovich's child was being held when I heard that a new, super-cool—

"Cool! I bumped into a totally hot babe!" Otacon said gleefully.

Raiden got up and shook his head. Otacon's smile disappeared.

"Hey! I was monologuing!" Raiden yelled.

"Oh…it's only you Raiden."

"Look out, Kid!" Snake yelled, motioning for Raiden to get out of the way.

Behind them was a battalion of guards. Fearful and nervous, Raiden raised his Mk. 23 SOCOM weakly in the air.

"D-Don't move…I-I'm a n-n-ninja!"

Without firing a single shot, Raiden yelled in a girl tone that Snake would've been proud of. The entire basement was dark and filled with large crates. Suddenly, everything was quiet. The guards split into teams, meticulously searching the room for the four. They quickly and quietly hid inside the janitor's closet conveniently located near them. They got inside and closed the door. As Raiden, Otacon and Ocelot began shivering, crying and rocking back and forth like Dustin Hoffman in Rain man, Snake pressed his ear against the wall.

"They're in here men! There's no other way."

"Good! Let's get in there and kill them!"

"No, wait…we always do that…we're gonna try a different approach for these guys. We are gonna wait until they leave…then we'll kill them!"

"What? That's stupid! We should just go in and kill them!"

"I'm the CO around here and what I say goes!"

Snake locked the door and wiped the sweat off his head.

"We're gonna be in here for a while…"

"BBBBBBBBRRRRRRROOOOOOOTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!"

"Aw shit…"