A/N: Yeah, I know, you all thought I was dead and are like but u should be updating your other story and blah blah blah... well, i'm grounded, got the opprotunity and decided to get the first chappy of this out while I'm stuck on my other story. This story actually gets confusing. It goes Near's thoughts, Mello's thoughts, Matt's thoughts, flashback, and present time for every chapter. (This is what I get for thinking about three ways and reading Crank at the same time) So enjoy and please review!

Chapter One: Thoughts

Sometimes the pain never goes away.

Sometimes it stays.

Sometimes it lingers.

Sometimes it kills you.

You'll still feel the pain.

Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.

I used to think of mental and emotional as the same thing

I was wrong.

Mental. My thoughts break down.

Emotional. I break down.

Physical.

Where it all started.

The pain came physically. Then emotionally.

And now mentally.

I held on for so long, mentally at least.

I'm only human, though. So isn't that aloud?

Do I not have the right to break down?

I, Nate River, believes so.

-XvX-

I remember when I first learned how to count.

One. Two. Three.

The most important numbers of my life.

Numbers give me meaning.

Number Two. Me.

Always second. Never noticed for being so skilled.

As if I could never do anything right.

As if I were dead.

As if they only see me as Number Two.

As if I'm nothing more.

Anger. I feel it a lot.

I'd just love to punch something.

Sometimes I hurt my best friend.

Other times I eat chocolate.

Everyone gets like that sometimes, though.

Everyone gets mad.

So is it so wrong for me to feel this way all the time?

I, Miheal Keehl, believes so.

-XvX-

I used to like dogs.

Sit. Fetch. Good boy.

Loyalty and love from a species that won't bother you.

Then I became a dog.

I don't care for much- my status, my past…

I do care for present treatment and friends.

If he's angry, I don't like his anger pointed at me.

But I let him.

The other looks down on me and I hate it.

But it happens.

So I play games to become the hero and not the sidekick.

I hack computers to understand more.

I smoke cancer because it feels so good to be awakened by death.

I know I'm doing it to myself.

But everyone makes mistakes.

I'm just one of the few who can't afford to make them.

Am I not aloud to be human like everyone else?

I, Mail Jeevas, believes so.

**XvX**

It all started nine years earlier. A new orphanage was formed in an old church in England. A select few number of orphans from all around the world were put through a written test between the ages of six and twelve. Fifty two of them passed and were chosen to live in the orphanage in England, named Whammy's. The children were on two coach bus' after just getting off of a plane and were very hyper to let out their joy at seeing the rich things surrounding them. Well, most of the children anyway.

A certain eight year old boy with golden blond hair was just about to spontaneously combust from the bored-ness holding him down. He needed to make some friends before he died. With that thought in his head he stood to walk towards the front of the bus. Many children were already walking around so he didn't need to worry about getting caught. He reached the front of the bus and was immediately blinded by a bright white flash. When he looked closer he saw the flash to be a small boy sitting with his knees to his chest alone. Feeling sorry, the blond went and sat next to him. The white haired boy with pure white pajamas snapped his head at the intruder of his personal space.

"Hey. I'm Miheal Keehl, what's your name?" The blond asked.

"… Nate River." The younger one stated, moving his knees closer to his chest and pulling a toy robot to one knee.

"You play with toys? That's cool." Miheal said, taking the robot as Nate gave a confused look.

"You don't think it's stupid?" Nate asked, watching Miheal look over every inch of his robot who was just flying through space to save the Earth from the invading aliens when the blond interrupted them… He really wanted to save Earth and not deal with another bully.

"No. My brother used to play with toys." Miheal explained, twirling the robot to see every spot of the perfect toy.

"You have a brother? Is he here?" Nate asked and Miheal froze. His hands, his eyes. The only thing that changed was the angry glare glinting from the blue eyes.

"No. He's dead." Miheal stated. Nate shrunk more into his human ball, sad for upsetting Miheal as Miheal gave back his robot.

"Sorry."

"Don't be, stupid. You didn't know." Miheal ordered, still slightly angry. He needed something to calm him down so he took out a bar of chocolate from his coat pocket. Silence was emitted while he chewed and Nate twirled his hair, eyeing the chocolate.

"Does that taste good?" Nate asked, still a bit shy.

"You never had chocolate before?!" Miheal asked with an incredulous look.

"No, sorry-" Nate tried to apologize but Miheal shoved a square piece of chocolate into his face before he could finish.

"Stop apologizing. Just eat." Miheal ordered and Nate tentatively took the small piece of chocolate and ate a tiny bit of the corner. His eyes grew wide as the rich taste melted into his mouth. "So?"

"It's really good." Nate stated and ate the rest in one bite. Miheal laughed.

"Your lucky, I don't usually share my chocolate with anybody." Miheal said and Nate froze, scared to know what that would mean.

"Then why share with me?" Nate asked and Miheal rolled his eyes at the younger boy's naïvety. He lightly hit Nate on the head, playfully.

"Because we're friends now, right?" Miheal asked, smiling.

"Forever?" Nate asked with a small smile. Miheal's smile grew larger as he entwined their pinkies together.

"Forever."

**XvX**

"Where the hell have you been?" The angry blond haired teenager asked as the red headed teenager entered their shared room in Whammy's. The red head slipped his yellow tinted goggles over his eyes as he walked to the enraged blond.

"Hey, Mello."

"Don't ignore me, Matt! Where the hell have you been?!" Mello repeated his sentence, something he loathed to do.

"You know what today is, right?" Matt asked, walking away from the couch Mello was currently sitting on and over to the television, where his newest game consol had been hooked up.

Mello wanted to growl. Of course he knew what that day was, that was partially the reason why he was so angry. He was not about to go and admit to Matt that he knew what the day was, even though Matt knew there was no way Mello could ever forget that day. No matter how much Mello wanted, that day always held a special spot in his memory bank.

Matt walked to the couch and sat on the opposite side of Mello. Remote control in his hands and ready to play when Kingdom Hearts flashed on the television. Mello just glared as he turned his chocolate into mush with his teeth.

"No, I don't remember. How does this pertain to your lateness? I wanted to hack into the CIA again. Solve some mysteries as M like we have been." Mello explained and Matt sighed, understanding full well that he was not going to be able to start his new game.

"It's Near's birthday. I was giving him a birthday present." Matt explained, getting ready incase Mello were to hit him, which had an eighty nine percent chance of happening.

"You gave the albino a present? What for?!" Mello asked, annoyed.

" I already said it's his birthday." Matt stated. Big mistake. Mello threw the television remote straight at Matt's head, hitting him with a hard Doink! Goggles crooked, Matt looked at the steaming blond.

"Ow…"

"Don't repeat annoying and useless crap." Mello ordered as Matt rolled his eyes and turned his game off.

"Alright. Let's hack into the CIA… Again." Matt got up to get his laptop, Mello glaring lasers into the back of his head angrily. Matt was trying to get Mello to drop the subject without saying it aloud, and it worked. Mello didn't want to talk about the albino anyway.

Matt took his laptop from his bed and a cigarette from the pack on the desk next to it. He slipped the cigarette into his mouth to chew on- there was no way in hell Mello was going to let him light it up in their room- as he thought back to Near's room, earlier that day.

XvX

Matt found playing his DS a bit more difficult with a wrapped box under his arm. He walked through the halls letting the music of Kingdom Hearts sound out through them. With his new favorite game being Kingdom Hearts he just had to get the game for every videogame he owned. Finally he paused the game and placed the DS into his vest pocket as he rounded a corner. He stopped outside the door he knew belonged to none other than Number One, or Near as Matt preferred to call him.

He fixed his goggles to a more comfortable position as he lightly knocked on the door. There was the very faint sound of feet shuffling over carpet behind the door before it creaked open to show the boy who could most definitely be confused with a ghost.

"Matt?" Near asked in his emotionless voice. Matt grew accustomed to hearing the very small hint of emotions underneath.

"Hey. Happy Birthday." Matt replied, holding the box out to Near. Near's eyes grew a quarter of a centimeter wider with shock, it would have seemed emotionless to anyone that wasn't Matt, Mello, or L.

"Please come in." Near opened the door to allow Matt entrance into the domain. There were three different types of rooms at Whammy's. Three rooms from when they were younger and still had the church undergoing construction. Mello and Matt had a three roomed living space but used the third room for junk instead of adding another person. There were two rooms for people who had best friends and such, this came two years later than when they arrived. Lastly there were one rooms that occurred three years after their arrival, it was the type Near owned now.

No lights were on, so Matt was forced to place the goggles on top of his head so that he could see. When his eyes adjusted there was really no shock from what he saw. Puzzles all over the floor, all perfectly constructed. Toys of all kinds were on top of every flat surface that wasn't a floor, neat and in the best shape possible.

Near shuffled over to Matt and held out his hands for the present. It was heavier than it looked but Near was able to place it on some clear ground and be able to sit on one knee with the other to his chest. Matt walked to the couch and sat himself down.

"Roger got you new toys." Matt stated as Near pulled at the poorly tied bow.

"And Watari and L." Near added, moving onto the wrappers. Matt looked at the table next to the couch that held four puppets. One was a white haired boy. The second was a blond. The third a red head. The fourth a raven haired man.

"You have finger puppets of Mello and I?" Matt asked, putting his own puppet on his ring finger.

"I made those, if it isn't obvious." Near stated, trying not to show that he just accidentally made fun of Matt. Matt caught what he said but ignored it. Finally, Near's newest present opened to reveal a one thousand piece puzzle and two dozen army men scattered about on top of it. Near smiled.

"Thank you, Matt."

"No problem. How you holding up?" Matt asked, using his finger puppet like it was the one talking. Near had to keep himself from chuckling.

"Fine. I don't see the big deal on being fourteen. I feel the same. How are you and Mello?" Near asked as he started setting the army men into troops on the floor.

"Fine, I guess. Mello's working harder than usual… You okay Near?" Matt asked. Near tilted his head slightly and twirled his hair. No, he wasn't okay. He couldn't stand being alone, but he couldn't stand being with just Matt or just Mello. It was too odd. In Near's mind the three of them were like a puzzle. Incomplete without the other pieces but those pieces separated long ago.

"I believe you already asked that question." Near stated.

"The obvious response the first time is fine or good. The second time someone asks you should look for the persons emotions and that will tell how they truly feel, and your telling me your missing something or someone." Matt explained.

"How do you do that?" Near asked. Matt shrugged. "You always know exactly how someone feels, exactly what they need to hear to feel better or worse. If I had that ability than maybe I could…" Understand Mello. Why couldn't those words come out of his mouth? Matt sighed as he held up his puppet.

"Matt. Hacks, plays video games, and understands people." Matt stated as he put Mello's puppet on his middle finger. "Mello. Smart, eats chocolate, and handles things." Last he put Near on his index finger. "Near. Thinks, plays with toys and puzzles, and cheats. We're all different, Near. All unique in our own ways. We don't choose who we are. We just… Are."

"I don't think so, Matt. I chose to be Near just as you and Mello chose to be Matt and Mello. We left Mail, Miheal, and Nate long ago." Near explained and Matt leaned back.

"I guess your right." Matt agreed. "Do you ever miss those times?"

"I can't say for sure."

"Yeah, neither can I."