..............I like to torture my characters. =]

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A d u l t e r y .vs. M o n o g a m y

Bottom line: Life Sucks

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Sasuke Uchiha was not a very happy man.

After all, how could one be a happy-go-lucky-idiot-with-and-I.Q-equivalent-to-Forest-Gump when it seemed like everyone in his life was purposely out to punish him? He was married to a woman he hated with a passion, yet somewhere within the black uncaring depths of his heart, he loved her in a way that wasn't considered normal. Or healthy.

Not to mention the fact that his ex-wife wanted him dead, his current wife hated his guts, and his 3-year-old-bastard-son seemed to take some kind of premature pleasure out of making him feel depressed and miserable. Hell, to add onto the list; his ex-wife's brother liked to screw with his head; his ex-wife's NEW husband often sent him threat-letters in the mail; his current wife's brother actually attempted to murder him once; his [Sasuke's] own brother wasn't too fond of him, due to the fact that he slept with his brothers ex-boyfriend, who is said brother of his current wife. [Read: he should start his own prostitution ring, seeing as he's already a slut as it is. He'd might as well get paid for his services.]

But then again, when Sasuke actually sat down and honest to god thought about it; their hatred for him made a lot of sense. Because, well, when you're married to a beautiful blond woman who was domineering and assertive [a characteristic he greatly appreciated] whom he also had a child with; it's safe to say that she was just a little bit angry to come home one day and find her husband in bed with her brother. Really. That type of thing isn't typically accepted in a ''considerably'' straight relationship. The word 'considerably' is used with quotation-marks because both Sasuke and Ino were and are, bisexual.

And it was then, at precisely 2:16am that Sasuke's phone began to shrill and ring, demanding attention like a Rock star's child. Now, as previously stated; Sasuke was not a happy, nor lucky man for that matter. So it's safe to say that at 2:16am, when his goddamn phone began to ring, Sasuke was dead asleep on the floor next to his bed, after having fallen out of it at some point, but felt too apathetic to actually do anything about it. The light on his night stand was still on, a factor he did not approve of when he first opened his eyes to the sound of ringing.

Cringing and cursing himself for not committing suicide back when he was a teenager going though those oh so rough 'NO-ONE-UNDERSTANDS-ME-ANGST!' times, Sasuke reluctantly picked himself up off of his bedroom floor with a pitiful sigh, and a not-so-attractive red print on his cheek from the hardwood floor. Reaching moodily for his cellphone, he debated with himself for a moment on whether or not to just ignore the call, and turn the damn thing off. But he knew better. She would not be happy about that....

Flipping the metal device open with a barely concealed malice, Sasuke closed his eyes and braced himself for the screaming that only Temari Suna, his beautiful mildly psychotic ex-wife could produce. And that it was.

"SASUKE UCHIHA YOU RUINED MY LIFE!! YOU MADE ME HAVE TO -"

It was amazing, really, the way Sasuke didn't even need to say 'Hello' anymore. Temari made it a ritual to call him every night around 2am, just because she knew he would have been sleeping, and she didn't want him to have that peace. They must have developed a sort of symbiotic relationship during the time that they had been married, of course, that all had shattered when Sasuke found himself on his back, getting fucked by his [ex]wife's brother.... She never really forgave him for that.

"-CAUGHT SAI PLAYING WITH BARBIE DOLLS!! And you know why? BECAUSE YOUR FAGGINESS IS RUBBING OFF ON HIM!!"

Part of Sasuke had hoped that Temari would have been happy after the divorce, seeing as she got to keep everything – including his beloved house. She even got full custody of Sai, yet, for some strange reason, he was constantly dumped at his house for 6 days a week.....and he's the one paying child support. He was the one who reluctantly took care of Sai, on a 24 hour basis, despite the fact that Sai did not like him, and only responded to, and obeyed Temari. Sasuke believed she had done that on purpose.

"-all he ever talks about!! You know, YOU'RE 3 DAYS LATE ON MY CHECK!! I need that money, DAMMIT!!!!"

He really missed his old house, he thought to himself with a depressed sigh, now sitting on his bedroom floor with his back against his wooden mattress frame. So many good memories to have in one place; there was also the fact that it was at least twice the size of his new home – a house he moved into nearly 2 years back, after marrying Ino – but the only good thing about his new house, was the nice-sized pool in the back yard.

Thinking to himself with a slight frown, his cellphone held about half-a-foot from his ear took keep himself from going deaf at Temari's screaming, Sasuke thought just how convenient it was at that very moment to have a pool in the backyard. Maybe if he was stealthy enough, he could silently slip outback and drown himself in the water.

...Nah. Then Temari would make it a huge public controversy; claiming that Ino had murdered him or something. And like his father often told him, he'd already shamed the family enough as it was – there was no need to bring murder into the mess.

Lifting a pale hand to rub at his eyes, Sasuke finally had enough and cut in his ex-wife's screaming rant. "Temari." He said sternly enough to draw her attention. "I'm a horrible person, you're beautiful, and I'm not.....Now can I go back to bed?" He questioned, feeling more and more tempted to drown himself in the pool again. "Please?"

".....Whatever. I'll call you later, you fucking bastard."

Sasuke Uchiha felt the slightest bit of wonderful bubbly happiness rise within his chest when he heard the beautiful sound of a dial tone buzz in his ear. "Thank you." He whispered in a plea, looking up to the ceiling as if speaking to the heavens'. Repeating the words a few more times to himself in a quiet murmur, he stood from the floor and made to fall flat on his bed. Laying face first across his mattress with his legs sticking off the side, Sasuke moaned softly before closing his eyes and regaining some of the sleep he'd lost.

He had managed to sleep until nearly 9am, his stomach waking him with a hefty growl, demanding food with an iron fist. Letting out a pathetic whine at the painful hunger pangs, Sasuke finally maneuvered himself out of his bed, cringing at the kinks in his back due to his uncomfortable night. But then again, all of his nights were uncomfortable these days; and damned if he'd find a way to blame it all on Temari.

Staggering into his bedroom doorway, he leaned heavily on the frame for a moment, some part of him considered crawling back into bed for the rest of his life, and hopefully starving to death. But just like with the pool, it wasn't an option for him. Unfortunately.

He made it halfway down the staircase, when a loud clattering of pots and pans suddenly struck his eardrums, causing him to groan audibly at his own misfortune. "Sai!" He called out in a 'you're in trouble' tone, now stalking more solemnly the rest of the way down the stairs. He stopped dead in his tracks however, when he took in the sight of his 3-year-old son sitting in the middle of the living room floor, and assortment of metal pans surrounding him. His jaw proceeded to drop open when he saw the beautiful chicken-scratching scribbles that decorated his expensive wallpaper; red, blue, green, yellow and orange crayon ran back and forth across the wall, showing off Sai's own 'artistic' abilities.

"....Oh......." Sasuke muttered, dark eyes wide as he stared unblinkingly at the mess his son made. "Goddammit." Because that seemed to be the only appropriate response for this type of situation.

Sai on the other had, looked up at him; black hair and obsidian eyes that perfectly matched his fathers, his lips curved into that of a deceitful and manipulative smile. He didn't say anything – an unusual perk with him was that he only talked to, and obeyed Temari. That was obviously part of the reason why she dropped the kid off at Sasuke's house 90% of the week; she just wanted him to suffer a little more.

"I'm gonna kill myself, I'm gonna kill myself, I'm gonna kill myself...." Sasuke chanted quietly to himself over and over, as he moved across the living room to begin the process of gathering up all of the pots and pans his son had drug out from some unbeknownst reason. "Sai," He said, voice icy cold with authority, arms full of metal dishes. "go up to your room right now. You're grounded – now, GO." Sasuke snapped with a growl, fists clenching in pre-mature anger at the way Sai simply stared back at him with a blank and unreadable expression. Ignoring the younger raven, Sasuke stalked into the spacious kitchen of his luxury home, and proceeding to dump the pans messily into their respective cupboard.

Slamming the cabinet's shut with barely contained hostility, Sasuke set his jaw firm, clenching his teeth in an almost painful manner before turning to stalking back out into the living room. Sai hadn't moved from his original position on the carpet, his expression still blank with feigned innocence. "I'm on to you, little boy." Sasuke warned, pointing a finger at the younger raven who merely blinked in response.

Rolling his eyes in exasperation, Sasuke turned and shuffled across the room, down the hall, and out the back door. Moment's later he found himself standing on the back porch staring longingly at the the water of his sparkling clean pool, once again contemplating whether or not he should just dip his head into the water and take a deep breath.

"Hey there!" Came a voice from his right. Shifting his dark gaze across his yard to the one next to him, he caught sight of the new couple living next door; a blond haired man, and a strawberry-pink haired female. The blond was on his knees before a small garden they were in the process of planting, while the girl stood next to him, hands on her hips. They both looked relatively friendly and outgoing, not to mention attractive. He found his eyes following the sweet curve of the pink haired womans thighs under her daisy-duke mini-shorts, and over to the smooth tanned chest that the blond next to her openly revealed by going without a shirt.

Lifting a hand to ruffle the spikes on the back of his head, he frowned to himself, knowing that there was no way he was going to get out of this without possible making an enemy of his new neighbors. Grudgingly, he stalked moodily over to the bordering fence-line that separated his lawn from the other couple. He hadn't seen the two for nearly 3 days – not since the little scene that Ino had made out on their front lawn; Sasuke figured that the couple was scared of them now. Seemed he was proved wrong.

"......Hey." He said back, trying his best to keep some of that smart-ass retort out of his tone. His skills on control seemed to show through judging by the way the two smiled back at him.

"Sorry we didn't come say 'Hi' to you earlier.....we didn't think you wanted us to, after what happened." The girl explained, brushing a few stands of hair from her face; the majority of it tied back in a ponytail due to the outside heat. "I'm Sakura. This idiot right here," He said, jerking a thumb to the blond man who had moved to stand up. "is my fiance, Naruto."

Nodding to himself, Sasuke silently berated himself for not just walking back in when he had the chance; these people were fucking idiots. "I'm Sasuke."

Naruto grinned in an overly-friendly way, white teeth flashing as he stepped forward towards the fence, giving Sasuke a clear view of the thin sheet of sweat that coated his chest from working in the yard. "Nice to meet ya, Sasuke." He greeted, lifting a hand to shake with. Sakura mirrored his movements, standing next to him ready to shake hands after he did. Aw, the perfect example of a soon-to-be-married couple with a manicured lawn, white picket fence, and 2.5 kids.

Fighting the urge to roll his eyes at the sickeningly sweet kindness, he briefly gripped Naruto's hand, before moving to shake Sakura's. He grimaced however, looking down at the once pale skin of his palm, only to find it covered in dusty dirt.

"Oh!" Sakura said, giggling softly. "I'm so sorry – we're working on our garden."

"Yeah; sorry." Naruto echoed, chuckling to himself as well.

Shrugging it off, Sasuke simply brushed his hand against a pant-leg of his black jeans, frowning at the small dirt mark it made it the process. "Don't worry about it...." He muttered, mostly to himself.

Lifting a hand to scratch at the back of his neck out of slight awkwardness, Naruto blinked for a moment, glancing over to Sakura. It was more than obvious that Sasuke didn't seem like the socializing type. "So....uh....." He started, trying to grasp for a topic. "Who was that one chick that we saw before; the blonde one?"

"My wife." Sasuke bit out harshly with a mild glare, feeling his skin began to prick at the mere mention of her.

"Oh." Sakura murmured with a frown, noting the way the raven's expression stated that of pure loathing. "Are you guys having a fight or something?"

"I guess you could say that. She's pissed because my ex-wife keeps calling me at two in the fucking morning."

The couple blinked in light surprise, exchanging a look before forcing back that ever-so friendly smile. "So....where is she now?" Sakura questioned, obviously getting a little uncomfortable at not knowing how to keep up the conversation.

Pocketing his hands Sasuke let out a sigh, glancing over to his house for a moment. "Hell if I know. She'll come home eventually; she always does."

At this, there was a tense silence, neither Naruto or Sakura knowing what to say, and it was more than apparent that Sasuke wasn't even the slightest bit interested in talking with them, given that way he keep looking over to his home, as if almost desperate to run in away from them. Clapping her hands together once, Sakura caught the two males' attention, nodding slightly as she did. "Okay! Sweetheart, I'm gonna go in and get us some lemonade, kay?" She said to the blond, leaning in to share a soft chaste kiss, before turning and heading in.

Naruto had given her a look as if to say 'Dear-god-PLEASE-don't-leave-me-here-with-this-guy', but Sakura blatantly ignored him. Standing awkwardly for a moment, he turned back to the raven, giving an unsteady smile. "Uh....So," He started, causing Sasuke flick his obsidian eyes over to him. "me and Sakura moved here cause we wanted to have kids. Ya know, have the model image of that perfect family and everything." He said, only to have a black stare in return, making him feel more and more uncomfortable. "What about you guys – you and your wife. Do you have any kids, or anything?"

Rolling his eyes in mild annoyance to himself, something that Naruto decided to overlook, Sasuke responded with a slight bite in his tone. "Yeah. I've got a kid, but it's with my ex-wife, not Ino's." He explained as he crossed his arms. "....His name is Sai."

"'Sai'?" Naruto echoed back. "That's a nice name. Is he a good kid?"

Sasuke let out a mock laugh at this. "Fuck no – that kid is a monster. He takes pleasure out of making me miserable."

Lifting an eyebrow at this, Naruto found himself some-what confused; Sasuke looked way too young to have a teenager already. "How old is he?"

"....Three."

Blinking for a moment, Naruto decided it was better not to even ask; there was too many possibilities. "Wow. And he's already a monster, huh?" He said with a small chuckle, wiping the back of his hand across his forehead in an over-heated way.

Sasuke could feel a slight tingle race it's way up his arms, noting to himself that he somehow liked the way that Naruto laughed. "He only listens to, and respects my ex-wife, but he's dropped off at my place 6 days a week. My theory is that she had trained him to act that way towards me; some kind of mutated passive-aggressive payback."

Naruto burst out laughing at this, leaning forward against the fence that divided them, something that Sasuke noticed put a little less distance between the two. "Dude, I like you." The blond said in an approving manner, straightening himself out with a few giggles here and there. "You've got a twisted sense of humor."

Shrugging, Sasuke flicked his gaze away from the male before him, looking off to the side. "I guess." He muttered nonchalantly.

"Hey, what do you say about going out to drink with me sometime? Like, tomorrow night or something; you know; pizza, beer, watchin' the game. We'll have a guys night." Naruto suggested, with a grin, as he moved to straighten up, leaning to crack his back with a few audible pops.

Watching every movement with an intense gaze, Sasuke followed the lines and curves of Naruto's muscles for a moment, stopping to blink suddenly when he remember that he had been asked a question. Fuck, he probably thinks I'm retarded or something. "Uh – right. Yeah....we should do that."

"Cool. So I'll come bangin' on your door at about 5pm, kay?" Naruto answered immediately, no sense of awkwardness lacing his tone.

"...Yeah." Aren't you the intelligent one; answering with one-syllables now?

"Alright.....well, I'm gonna head in an take a shower – I freakin' reek." Naruto said with an exaggerated grimace, as he held his arms out to the side. "I'll catch you later. Cool?"

"Yeah." Sasuke repeated, finding himself stopping and staring with the thought of his new-found neighbor taking a shower. He remained standing still with a newly painted picture formed in his mind, and it didn't even register that Naruto had gone inside until he heard the sudden banging and clanging come from his own house, following by a screaming female.

"SASUKE! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!!" Ino really should think about getting a profession in the industry of heavy metal bands. She sure screams enough for it.

Not budging from his stakeout near the fence dividing the two yards, Sasuke stared at the empty spot in which Naruto previous stood; coming to a silent epiphany and final decision with himself and his choices in life thus far.

"I'm a fucking pervert."

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NOTE:

So.......Yeah. I've honestly got no credible excuse for why this took 8 months to post up. In all truths, this is just a kind of side story to me – not one of my major projects. More-so, it's something for me to vent all of my humor and crack into, seeing as I usually write tragic!angst stories.

Yeah. Whatever.

If you guys really want me to continue this story – as one of my actual projects – then let me know, and I'll seriously start to think about it. Until then, this story might just get a chapter every now and then, unless y'all say otherwise.