So, I'm new to this whole fanfiction writing thing, so here's hoping you like it. I pretty much have this story figured out, although I'm not sure if I'll go with the ending I have in mind...I guess we'll see. It's just something that came to me randomly and after having months of writer's block, I welcomed it with open arms and now I'm posting it. I hope that it's enjoyed and hopefully there'll be reviews. The flashbacks are in italics, so I guess, here goes nothing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. The characters belong to Tommy Lynch.

As I Am

I fidgeted with the device in my hands, turning it once then twice. It began to tremble as I lost control over the functions of my right hand. I focused on its tremors before taking a deep breath, then using more effort than should have been necessary, I tried to quell its movements. When it stilled, I walked to my bedroom closet and grabbed the familiar metal stand. I had done this so many times that the nerves seemed a bit excessive, yet somehow they seemed to be propelling me forward. I positioned the tripod in front of my bed and carefully placed the camera atop it. After taking another deep breathe, I pressed the power button aligning the frame just the way I wanted it. I walked back to my bed and picked up the tiny remote waiting there for me. Looking down at it, I hesitated, just for a moment blue eyes flashed through my memory. Pressing record, I look up at the camera just a few feet away from me. The room is filled with silence as I gather my thoughts together, trying to figure out what I was going to say.

"It's been a while," I laugh at that, a real, genuine laugh that ends with a smile, but as the smile began to take my face, the tears followed suit. Usually this is about as far as I get. I get to the tears and it's time to pack up the camera, place it in the back of the closet and forget about blue eyes and broken promises, but today's different. I close my eyes, my index finger tracing patterns on the ring on my left hand, and for just a second I escape reality. I'm taken to a different time, a different place, and a whole other tragedy.

We're laying down on my bed. Her head positioned on my chest while her arm is draped across my stomach, her blonde hair cascading down perfect skin as a comfortable silence wafts through the room.

"Ash," It's said barely above a whisper but flowing out of those lips, it seems to echo off the walls. "Ash, you awake?"

I laugh, I can't really help it when it comes to the girl in my arms. "Yes Spencer, I'm awake."

The words have barely left my lips before I feel the bed shift beside me. Contact with the body that once lay there all but disappears. This catches my attention, dropping the smile off of my face immediately. I look at Spencer, studying the girl sitting Indian Style beside me, hands in her lap, with her head down.

"What's wrong?" It's the first thing that comes to mind, so I say it.

Spencer hesitates, opening and closing her mouth a few times before finally saying "I have to tell you something."

A million and one thoughts run through my mind before I repeat the same question I had just asked. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry," With that the tears fill both our eyes. I try desperately to cling to a mundane reason that would warrant an apology, but as I examine the girl beside me, I can't quite grasp anything substantial. Somehow I missed Spencer moving closer, I didn't quite feel it as my body was then straddled by the crying blonde, but as Spencer's lips met my own, I fell back into that all too familiar rhythm. I could still feel the tears flowing down her face but as I was pulled all the more closer, I forgot about almost confessions and focused on the body pressed against mine, and the hips that had begun rolling into my own. "I am so sorry."

I open my eyes, finding myself looking directly into the camera lens. I take a final deep breath before beginning. "I'm not okay." Those three simple words seem to punctuate my last two years. I want to say more. I have so much pent up grief that it surprises me that after ten minutes, that's all that has been said. Tears stream down my face as a familiar one takes over my senses. I close my eyes again, but this time there is no memory, there is just a heightened darkness that seems to drown me.

Before too long the camera is placed back safely into the closet. Forgotten until another moment of vulnerability, another moment to be documented.

There's a knock at my door before it's gently pushed open. I don't even bother turning around. There's only one person it could be. She's the only one that stops by without a warning call. "Hey Kyla." It comes out strained, as if the voice had not come from my lips.

"Mom called."

I roll my eyes, "Is that why you're here?"

"No."

For the first time since Kyla entered the room, I turn to face her. "So, then why are you here?"

If it were anyone else Kyla would ask if there was a problem. If something had happened to cause the tearstains on the face before her. But she knew better. She knew not to question. She already knew the answers. In two years she had seen the strongest, most confident person she knew reduced to nothing more than a shell of the person I once were. I had become the fragile, broken girl standing no more than a few feet away. It broke Kyla's heart to see her sister reduced to this nothingness, but there was nothing she could do about it. There was nothing anyone could do about it, the one person that could provide a valiant effort was no longer there, and there was no way of getting her back.

"Come out with us tonight."

"No," I was not in the mood to go out. I didn't want to be surrounded by people. I just wanted to be alone, to bask in my own emotions. I wasn't in the mood for fake smiles and forced conversations.

"It's Aiden's birthday. You promised him you'd be there."

"No Kyla, I didn't. You promised him I'd be there. Guess you'll just have to break it to him yourself," with that I leave the room, walking into the kitchen I grab a bottle of water before taking a seat on the couch, Kyla following close behind.

"Okay, fine, I promised him. But will you just come out tonight? Please?"

"I'm not in the mood."

"You're never in the mood Ash. You haven't been in the mood to do anything since…" She stops, taking a deep breath before meeting my eyes. This was a topic that we did not broach. A name that we no longer spoke. "It's been two years Ashley. And I know that it's something that'll never stop hurting, but you can't just put your life on hold, and you can't keep pushing us away. We miss you. And I know that you don't wanna hear it but we're just worried about you."

I don't know why, but I start fiddling with my hands. "There's nothing to worry about."

Reaching over, Kyla places her hand on my knee. "You know, it's okay to let me in."

Getting up, effectively removing all contact, I make my way to the bedroom door. "I'll just be a minute."