Summary: The one question all men fear. "Edward, am I fat?"

A/n: After three-and-a-half years or so of being on fanfictiondotnet, I've finally worked up the courage to post something. My first story; R&R, please!

Disclaimer: I do not have a fraction of the skill, creativity, or imagination of Stephenie Meyer; therefore, it is not possible for me to own Twilight. I'm just lucky enough to be able to play around with them.

I apologize if the characters are OOC (especially Edward; I'd love to see the ever-so-composed vamp quiver in his boots—or designer shoes, whichever). I am also not the best writer, obviously, but I hope you were entertained for at least part of it.

Edward's POV

I sighed in contentment as I held my angel in my arms. It felt just right, as if we were built for each other. She was perfect in every way; not just her personality, but she herself was the most beautiful creature I've ever set my eyes upon. From her silky, chestnut tresses, to her luminous pale skin, her exquisite curves, and even her dainty hands and feet, there was absolutely no flaw in her genetic make-up. So, naturally, I'd be surprised by the next few words that came out of her lovely lips.

"Edward," she whispered form her position next to me. "Am I fat?" I nearly rolled off the bed in shock at the unexpected question.

"W-what? No!" I protested. "You are utterly absurd, Bella." My dear Isabella, fat? Never! She sat up, and I heard the frown in her tone rather than saw it.

"Are you sure, Edward? You're not lying to me, are you?" she asked doubtfully, staring me down with her brilliant brown eyes. I gulped audibly.

"Of course not," I said. Where had she gotten that silly idea from? Was she being made fun of in school? I've heard Jessica mentally insult her at times…did she finally decide to vocalize her thoughts? I'll kill her. "Who on Earth gave you that idea?" I glared. Whoever it was, they were going to die.

She fidgeted a bit and played with her fingers. "Well, nobody, but probably because they were too nice to admit it." Her voice began to escalate. "Every time I look in the stupid mirror, all I see is this fat, ugly thing looking back at me! God, Edward, you're lying to me, aren't you?!"

I merely gaped, my mouth opening and closing a few times. I've never seen Bella so insecure about herself before.

"Bella, love, you are not fat! You are anything but fat! Please believe me. I'm not lying. I'd never lie to you, Bella," I begged, trying to dazzle her and make her forget this whole conversation. No man would love discussing this with their girlfriends. Her eyes glazed over a bit, and I smiled to myself in success. That feeling was swept away a few seconds later.

She shook her head and glared ferociously at me. I nearly shivered. "Edward Cullen! You did not just try to dazzle me in the middle of a conversation!" she growled. Under different circumstances, I may have been proud. But at this moment, all I could think about is why I feared a girl so much. A human girl, at that. Before I could dwell more on it, she gasped.

"You tried to dazzle me because you really do think I'm fat, didn't you?! You wanted to distract me from your obvious attempts at lying!" Pfft. I am an excellent liar, thank you very much! But I panicked as soon as I saw the faint tears glistening in her eyes. I search my brain for anything to say while she tried to burn a whole in my head with her intense glower.

"Bella, honey," I began, slowly walking backwards. We were both off the bed now, my hands up in surrender as she crept closer. My back hit the wall, and if I could sweat, I would've done so.

"Don't 'honey' me, Cullen!" she snapped. My eyes widened at the use of my surname. She was being serious. My eyes shifted, looking for an escape. It didn't occur to me that I was a vampire, and that I possessed super-speed.

"Bella, love, please listen to me," I said. I frantically rummaged through my mind for any reasonable answers. I've seen many, many television shows with this situation. Though, due to my panic-induced state, I was unable to realize quickly enough that the men always had the wrong answers for the sake of comedy. "Bella, you aren't PMSing, are you?" I realized too late that that was possible one of the worst things you can say to a female.

Bella's eyes hardened, and if possible, her glare increased ten-fold. Oh, dear lord. I know I don't have a soul, but God, have mercy on me! I began praying for my life; Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

"What did you just say?" she snarled. I could vaguely hear stifled laughter downstairs, but I didn't pay any attention to it. I began desperately grasping at straws.

"Well, uh, sometimes when women are on they're menstrual cycle, they may feel more insecure about themselves," I rambled, trying to save myself. I searched my brain, sifting through the years of knowledge I've acquired from medical school. I search faster when I heard Bella let out another inhumane growl. "Or, uh, I h-heard that women have a higher m-metabolism when they're on their…cycle, so maybe you could exercise more often during…t-those times, if you're serious about it." From the look on her face, I knew I was to shut up, and shut up now.

"Oh, so you're saying I need to exercise now?" she wailed. "So, I really am fat? You lied to me? How could you, Edward! You said you'd never lie to me!" She was shrieking now, and was surprised her tears hadn't overflowed yet. I could also swear I'd almost seen the corner of her lips lifting, but I was unable to process those thoughts since she started speaking again. "What's going to happen when I become a vampire, huh? I refuse to be the only fat vampire in the world!"

"You won't Bella! Uh, I mean, you do have three days of the transformation, and three days without food and profuse sweating will take off a few pounds, right?" I had no idea what I was saying, but I found myself unable to stop. Anything to make her happy again; or, not mad at me, at least. "Just look at Alice and Rosalie!"

A fire appeared in her eyes, and right then, I knew I was not safe. "Did you just call Alice and Rosalie fat?" she asked, deathly calm. Why must I keep opening my mouth? The girls have gotten quite close these days, despite Rosalie's initial dislike of Bella, so it was not wise to suggest anything negative about them.

"No! Of course not! I-"

Bella had cut me off. "Get out," she hissed. I stared.

"What?" I asked quite intelligently.

"Get. Out," she emphasized each word. I blinked. Was she seriously kicking me out of my own room? "Now."

"Bella! I didn't mean it. Really!" I was on the verge of groveling at her feet. "I'm sor-"

"GET OUT!"

Needless to say, I was out of the house in less than a second.

--

I found Emmett in the backyard, rolling around on the floor laughing. I frowned.

"What the hell was that?" he managed to make out. "Seriously? The menstrual cycle? Man, despite being about 50 years older than me, you sure are an idiot!"

He continued laughing at me. I just gave him a quick kick to the gut on the way to the forest. Where were Jasper and the girls, anyway?

Bella's POV

As soon as Edward disappeared, Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper appeared in the room. They all began cracking up, but I felt extremely guilty.

"Are you sure I didn't drive him off, Alice?" I asked, worried. "He seemed really freaked out…"

That caused another round of laughter to be brought upon them. Despite Jasper's waves of joy being sent out, I still found it difficult to smile.

"Oh, Bella, that was all Jasper! Edward needs a good dose of fear from time to time. We never get to surprise him," Alice explained through giggles. "Besides, you didn't notice he was increasing your anger, too? Edward would've seen right through you if Jasper didn't interfere."

"Trust me, Bella, he'll be fine. Jasper and Emmett were fine when we pulled this stunt on them," Rosalie included. I tried imagining Jasper and Emmett cowering in fear, but I couldn't quite see it. That is, until I imagined an angry Rosalie and Alice; if they were terrifying when annoyed (this usually happens when I refuse a makeover), they must've been hellions when they were angry.

"I feel really bad, though. Maybe we should tell him it was a joke…" I insisted.

"It's better not to tell him, Bella," Jasper said gently. I instantly felt a wave of calm come over me. "If anything, you've just gained more of his respect. In fact, he may never defy you ever again." He chuckled.

"Besides, his reaction was totally worth it! He was so much worse than Jasper," Alice said teasingly.

"Imagine how many years we could tease him with this! We should've gotten it on tape!" Rosalie exclaimed, grinning wickedly.

I felt the phone in my pocket vibrate, and I pulled it out; there was one new message.

Bella, love, I'm so sorry. You're not fat at all. I promise. Neither are Alice and Rosalie. Forgive me? I love you. –Edward.

We all doubled over in laughter at the same time.

A/N: So…it's over. That was my first attempt, and hopefully it didn't go too bad? Review, please. I'd like to know what you think of it. Thanks for reading :D