Martin the Warrior was on the verge of panic. Unbeknownst to Kenzie and the rest of her comrades, the Sues had also taken control of the Abbey of Redwall. So now, the Spirit of Redwall could do little more than run from the terrible, nauseating Sparklypoo that was slowly taking hold of his home.
The Warriormouse clutched his sword, hoping to shield the symbol of the hope of Redwall and Mossflower. As long as the Sparklypoo was kept away from the spirit blade he kept by his side, the Sues could never touch the tangible one that hung in the Great Hall in the world of the living.
Terror gripped him as he fled from the seeping tentacles of sickly purple light that pursued him, until he nearly ran smack into a tall, forbidding figure in a Generic Dark Cloak. Bile rose in his throat as the Sue-ish stench of cinnamon and petunias entered his nostrils. The creature lifted its hood back.
Martin shook his head wildly, backing away. The hooded creature was himself, only with an extra sheen to his soft brown fur, an unnatural grace in his step. Clutched in this hideous parody's paw was an ornate golden sword, its blade lined with jewels.
"No..." the mouse choked. "What are you?"
"I'm you," the Stu replied in a calm voice that radiated purity and peace. "I'm you, as you should be."
"C-c-can-canon!Stu!" Martin managed to squeak.
"Not quite," the Martin!Stu replied. He stretched out a paw, pointing to the sword clutched in the real Martin's trembling paws. "I need that." His dark brown eyes glittered with the intensity of--
Wait a minute! Martin thought. My eyes are gray! Not brown!
This sudden realization of canon-to-Mary-Sue incongruity opened up a plothole beneath Martin's footpaws, and out popped a small, wiry gray ferret with blue eyes, who latched on to Martin's tail and literally dragged him down.
"Whooooooaaaaaaa-oomf!" Martin landed face down on a beige couch, slightly dazed. He let out a slight groan, raising his head to see his strange rescuer, who was lounging on an armchair nearby and chewing on something from a small packet.
The ferret held out the packet. "Peanuts?"
Martin groaned again.
"Here, have some," urged the ferret, shaking the packet. "The salt and protein should ward off the effects of the Sparklypoo."
Rather than answering, Martin glanced around. He was in a small, white walled room, lit up by flourescent lights and furnished similarly to a school teacher's lounge. Off to the side, he could see a refrigerator and sink. "Um..." the mouse said finally, "I'm not in Redwall anymore, am I?"
"Got that right, Dorothy," the small ferret replied. "We're at the studio for The Insanities."
"Oh." The mouse struggled off the couch. "Why?"
"'Cause the Redwall-verse isn't too safe to be wandering around in at a time like this. Come with me." The ferret stood, handing the mouse the packet of peanuts and padding out of the room. Shrugging, Martin nibbled on a peanut and followed.
Both creatures walked out into the stage area, where Kenzie Farsight conversed a lanky ferret with rectangular glasses.
"You sure, Kel?" the rat was saying. "We could really use your help."
"I know I'm supposed to be the veteran and all that," Kelaiah replied with an apologetic shrug. "But seriously, I need a break."
"Well, all right then," said Kenzie. "Watch out for Sues on your way out."
"I wish you guys luck," the ferret called over his shoulder as he left the room.
Kenzie looked over her shoulder to see the gray ferret and the Warriormouse standing at the edge of the stage. "Oh, good, you brought him, Jonathan."
Martin was barely paying attention, preoccupied with a the projector positioned right in front of the stage, being attended to by Vash the black squirrel. A white screen had been pulled down over the wall, and projected onto it, in large, friendly letters, were the words DON'T PANIC.
"I like that," the Warriormouse remarked. "'Don't Panic.' It's the first helpful or intelligible thing anybody's said to me all day."
Kenzie stopped, stared at him, and blinked several times. Then, to the mouse's surprise, both she and the squirrel at the projector sniggered mirthfully at what seemed to be a private joke.
Somebeast grimaced off to the side, and Martin spotted a cloaked young vixen pacing back and forth impatiently. "When are they coming, Kenzie?" she asked. "You said you had volunteers."
"They're coming," a new voice announced, and a white rabbit came jogging in, panting. "I just saw some of 'em on their way. They'll be here in about..."
A dark brown squirrel strolled in, munching from a bag of Oreos. "Hey, I heard there would be Sueslaying?"
"...Right now," Plot Bunny 42 finished.
"Hey, Kris, you're the first one here," said Kenzie, adjusting the glasses on her muzzle. "Are the others on their way?"
As if on cue, a golden brown fieldmouse came trotting in, waving her jeweled pink wizard's staff in one paw. "Nonny here! Am I late?"
"No--" Kenzie started to say, before Nonny caught sight of Martin.
"Oh my GOSH, is that Dandi-- no, wait, that's just Martin. Never mind!"
Understandably, the mouse looked a bit put out by this. Noticing this, Nonny backtracked sheepishly. "Not that you're any less awesome, of course. No offense."
"So who else is coming?" Mai the vixen asked.
Kenzie drew a list from her pocket. "Er, lessee... Nonny and Kris are here... oh yes! Aelin and Kalyn Wordsmith are coming, as well as Jarrtail aaaaand... Phoenix Foeseeker and Karaar."
Somewhere else...
A scarred, tattooed white creature sneezed suddenly and rubbed her nose.
"Bless you," her raven companion murmured.
"Someone must be talking about me..."
Back to our Slayer heroes...
Kris spluttered suddenly, accidentally spraying cookie crumbs into Vash's face. "Phoenix Foeseeker? Is that some kinda reformed Sue?"
"Is that a good idea?" Nonny asked. "You remember what happened to Ara and Kel with the Sky incident."
"I assure you, she's not a Sue," Kenzie informed them, grimacing. "And try not to say that to her face."
At that moment, an Otherpath pocket opened to admit an ottermaid and a gray-furred squirrel. "Oh good, we didn't miss anything," Aelin Wordsmith said with a sigh of relief.
Kalyn, on the other hand, did not say anything, mostly due to the fact that she seemed to be vibrating. Perhaps it was the imagination of the onlookers, but the sound of a car engine revving was quite audible.
"Too much sugar in her coffee," Aelin explained. The squrrel began to giggle and babble incoherently, something to do with Sue-scum and lightsabers.
"Um... right," Kenzie managed to say.
Jonathan inconspicuously sidled up to Kalyn, stuck out his index claw, and poked the squirrel. Kenzie noticed too late that said index claw was on fire.
"YEEEEOOOOWWWWWCHAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Kalyn shot off like a crossbow bolt, quite literally bouncing off the walls, as Kenzie gave chase to the amused ferret.
"JONATHAN YOU IDIOT!" she screeched. "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE PYROKINESIS IN THE REDWALL-VERSE?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! GET BACK HERE!"
"Oomf!"
This 'oomf' was issued from the mouth of a gray ferret, but one who was not Jonathan. Kenzie spun around on one footpaw to see that Kalyn had inaverdently landed on the newest arrival, Jarrtail the ferret.
"Get off," Jarrtail growled, only to find that Kalyn was no longer able to do so, for the simple reason that she was fast asleep. Helpfully, Aelin pulled her sister off of him.
"Sorry about that," the otter apologized. Then, noticing a thin spiderweb of cracks on one lens of Jarrtail's glasses, bit her lip. "Oh, did Kalyn do that to your glasses?"
"That's alright and no, she didn't," the ferret replied.
42 facepalmed at the sight, sighing. "Do you think we have a chance at beating a freaking Sue army, Mai?"
"Mm, I dunno," the vixen replied with a shrug of her cloaked shoulders. "Kenzie told me that Kris, Kayn, and Aelin helped fight off a troll army. Of course, the trolls' only means of attack was to throw spam at them, so our chance against a Sue-army remains to be seen."
"Say, why are you still wearing that cloak?" 42 asked curiously.
Mai grinned toothily. "You'll see."
"You aren't hiding a bomb under there, are you?"
"Do I look like a terrorist to you?" The fox gave her an are-you-kidding-me look, about to start on her when the last Sueslayer came striding in through the door.
At the sight of the strange animal, all activity stopped. Kalyn, who had slept off her sugar-high state, awoke in time to gape at the new arrival.
The scarred white animal stared back at them, looking annoyed. "What? Never seen an otret before?"
"I highly doubt that, Phoenix," Kenzie replied with an amused grin. "You could have settled for being a Wearet, you know. At least that's a bit more canon-common."
Phoenix Foeseeker the otter-ferret shrugged sullenly. "So? Those things are ugly."
"Um... where's Karaar?" Kenzie hazarded to ask.
"Huh?" Surprised, the otret turned around. "Aw, crap. KARAAR!" She tore out of the room, howling. "You idiotic, featherbrained excuse for a black chicken! I thought I told you not to eat that!"
"Raark! Not a chicken, stupid bist! You think I go near dead Sues? To eat 'em? Whatcha think, me stupid?" The otret returned, with a disgruntled, bristling raven hopping after her.
"Well, you explain to me why you were digging your beak into a Sue-carcass," Phoenix growled bad-temperedly.
Karaar the raven held out a talon, which clutched a dagger. "Shiny!" he squawked.
Phoenix facepalmed.
"Wait, what's a dead Sue doing out there?" Nonny asked.
"Oh, it was hanging around, so I killed it," Phoenix replied, tossing aside her cloak. She was an impressive sight; the otret was covered in visible scars, and a line was tattooed from her forehead to her nose, with six dots on either side of it. Two swords were strapped across her back, and a battle pike was clutched in her paws. She hefted it with a grin that reminded everyone of a certain crazed marten.
"There are Sues out there?" Martin nearly roared, tossing aside the peanuts and drawing his sword.
As if in answer, voices floated into the studio, at first incoherent and garbled, until they registered as wild war cries.
"They found us," Kenzie snarled, drawing her saber. She glanced around, noting the gleam of anticipation in the eyes of all those present, as well as the stench of garlic in the air. The former nervous disposition of Martin had vanished; now, he held his blade at the ready to defend not just Redwall, but the entire Mossflower universe. Phoenix gripped her pike; Karaar's talons flexed, and his feathery hackles rose. Aelin had drawn her short swords, and Kalyn was waving a thin rapier excitedly, though the squirrel looked disappointed to be banned from the use of a light saber. Jarrtail drew his scimitar in one paw and a knife in the other, and Kris twirled a dagger. Putting an image of a certain transvestite weasel in her mind to enhance her own wrath, Nonny set her wizard's staff to 'Medium Well'. Vash grasped a katar in either paw, grinning. Jonathan drew both daggers, and 42 picked up her battle axe.
As for Mai...
For the first time, the vixen threw back her cloak, revealing a waist belt and two shoulder belts, laden with small sharpened hatchets. Mai selected one and, as the first Sue showed its face through the door, she flung it accurately. The axe head buried itself in the neon blue-furred ermine's chest, and the Sue collapsed with a gurgle.
Kenzie grinned savagely. "Maybe I should invite Ara," she mused. "She'd be sooo mad if she missed out on this."
The door to the TV studio burst open, and a patrol of Sues advanced in their sparkling, multicolored glory, toward the band of Sueslayers before them. You really had to feel sorry for them.
Or not.
'Kay, first real chappie up. Just to state the obvious and clear up ownerships of fursonas and whatnot...
Martin-- BJ, of course.
Kenzie Farsight-- me, of course.
Jonathan and Plot Bunny 42 -- my Muses, bear with them.
Vash-- my brother, the silenced.
Mai-- the closet emo, my best friend in real life.
Aelin Wordsmith-- Oreramar.
Kalyn Wordsmith-- storiewriter.
Kris-- Awsomewriter123
Nonny-- Much Ado About Nonny.
Jarrtail-- jarrtail.
Kelaiah-- himself, but that's the last you'll be seeing of him.
Phoenix Foeseeker-- ZotzServant99
Karaar also belongs to ZotzServant99, but is not her fursona. And yes, Phoenix is a bizarre hybrid. If you have a problem with that, take it up with her.
And don't worry, Kalyn, this is the only chapter where you'll be ridiculed. My next object of torment is... oh, I'm not telling. You guys have to guess. (grins evilly)
Also, about Mai... you see, the closet emo and I once attended a girl's High-Adventure weekend camp thing, and we got to do a whole bunch of activities, one of which was tomahawk throwing. Of all the girls there, the closet emo was the most consistent in hitting the logs with the hatchet. In short, she pwned all of us. (I, however, scored the highest that day at the .22 rifle range.)