A/N: In which our intrepid crew go camping, and a fun time is had by… well, Emmett enjoys himself.

Disclaimer: Eek! All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I am making no profit, and I wasn't for the previous chapters either. My bad. Credit also to the presenters of BBC's Top Gear for the 'peel' line, which I have shamelessly usd for my own purposes.

Dedicated to Ffi. Happy Birthday bb! xxxx

Chapter 18 – Commune

This is a gift, it comes with a price

Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

Midas is king and he holds me so tight

And turns me to gold in the sunlight

- Florence and the Machine – Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)

Growing up, Bella had had a somewhat bi-polar relationship with Mother Nature. As a small child who lived with her mother in the acrid deserts of Arizona and California she'd been told that nature was a benevolent force for good that should be enjoyed and conserved for future generations. Admittedly, as her mother had gotten older and become slightly more eccentric the flower power aspect of her teaching had led to rain dances around a tea light on the deck. Bella hadn't seen her mother for several years and often wondered if she'd taken to wearing a tin-foil hat and singing to plants.

Things had changed when she'd moved in with a her father as a teenager and nature had become something green, wet and slimy that would almost certainly kill her if she went near it without her father's protection, armed as he was constantly armed with a twelve bore shotgun and a fishing rod. Perhaps it was because he'd taught his lesson when she was at an impressionable age, but Bella had always tended to agree with Charlie on the nature front. After all she was never going to be entirely safe from accidental self-harm in a locked, padded room so heading into the wilderness was just asking for trouble.

This trip might just force her to reconsider her opinion, though. Yes, she was sat on a tartan rug, book in hand, as far from the designated campfire spot and spiky looking plant life as possible with bug repellent hovering around her in a tangible mist, but she also had the prime spot for admiring the physiques of three attractive, shirtless men. That view made almost anything worthwhile.

"You can't do that," Jasper called from his perch on a rock at the edge of the clearing, "It's not conducive to a proper camping experience."

Emmett looked up from Edward and his pathetic attempt at fire-building and growled. Edward continued waving his lighter ineffectually at the kindling.

"This isn't one of your weirdo history freak things, Whitlock," Emmett hissed, "We're not being graded."

"It's a skill you need to learn," said Jasper, jumping down from the rock with an elaborately tied rope in one hand and snatching the lighter with the other, "it could be a matter of life and death."

"It'll be your death in a minute," said Emmett, who then flexed his arms to Bella's great enjoyment.

A loud "Ahem!" came from near to the river in the direction Alice had disappeared to as soon as the boys had started on the manual labour. Jasper grinned.

"I think she heard you."

Emmett made an extremely rude gesture.

Frustrated, Edward rocked back on his heels to squint up at Jasper. Bella twisted her head uncomfortably to get a better look at the way the muscles rippled in his back. "I appreciate that you're some kind of wilderness god, Jasper, but could you not just let us cheat a bit and then teach us later? When we're warm?"

"And have had a coffee," piped up Bella.

"And some food!" boomed Emmett, "I'm starving!"

Jasper folded his arms and rolled his eyes like a teacher faced with second graders last thing on a Friday.

"I need to set this trap so we can catch some supper. You light the fire however you want to, but don't come crying to me when you die of exposure."

Chucking the lighter at Edward's feet and retrieving his shotgun from its resting place next to a half built tent, he marched off into the woods with his trap, pulling his deerstalker down defiantly as he did so.

"Thank God," said Edward, swiftly lighting the fire with the help of technology, "I refuse to splinter myself to death just because Jasper has a Davy Crockett fetish."

"Do you mind?"

For a tiny little woman, Alice had a seriously loud voice. She also had apparently impeccable hearing. Now the fire was beginning to smoulder and Jasper had gone, Emmett turned his attention to Alice.

"What are you doing?"

From the bushes alongside the river came a rustle and a reply, although Alice was well concealed. "I'm communing with nature."

Edward lay back with his arm thrown over his eyes and groaned. Intrigued, Bella sat up a little straighter on her blanket and put her book down. Emmett began sneaking, surprisingly silently, to where Alice was hiding.

"Oh?" he said, "And how's that treating you?"

With a leap a professional ballet dancer would be proud of he threw himself into the bushes and emerged, one squeal later, holding Alice aloft like a really angry trophy.

Covered in leaves and wriggling in his grasp Alice spat, "I've communed better."

Bella choked with shock.

Alice had disappeared into the bushes by the river looking, well, like Alice. Her clothes were too expensive to be brought on a camping trip, and she looked as impeccable as always – no smudges in her make up, not a hair out of place. Now, now it would be a push to say she had a hair at all. The dark locks that had previously not reached much below Alice's earlobes had been trimmed, fairly roughly, to an even length of about a centimetre all over.

"You've shaved it off!" Bella gasped. Alice raised an eyebrow - they, at least, remained - as if Bella was the one being weird. Emmett put her down gingerly, but whether that was because he, too, was afraid that she'd lost the plot, or whether he was just afraid she was about to kill him, Bella didn't know.

Edward rolled onto his stomach to look.

"You look faintly like Skeletor." He said calmly.

Alice just shrugged. Her smile seemed even bigger now. "I can work with that."

"Why?" Bella was glad Emmett asked; she could barely form coherent thoughts.

"It helps to cleanse my mind. Fresh start, clean slate and all that," Alice flopped down on the ground between Edward and Bella, "where's Jasper?"

"Murdering little furry animals for our supper," said Edward.

Alice nodded as though that was perfectly normal. Bella shook her head sharply; maybe this was one of those lucid dreams where it felt like you were awake but the world was all weird. Alice leant over and caught Bella's ponytail as it flopped round to rest on her shoulder.

"You need a trim," she said, "split ends."

Horrified, Bella snatched her hair out of Alice's hand and edged away from her. Alice guffawed.

"She's teasing you," Edward assured Bella, pushing Alice lightly so she fell on her back, still laughing, "your hair is beautiful and it's not going anywhere. Tell her, Alice."

"Or better yet," said Emmett, dropping down to sit with them, "go tell that boy of yours to stop with the hunter-gatherer shit. We have food. I don't want squirrel for my supper when I could be having ramen noodles and beer."

He gestured over to where a large rucksack was leaning up against the side of one of the tents.

Edward sat up straighter and scowled at him.

"Haven't I told you about hanging that up? Are you trying to attract wild animals?"

Emmett shrugged, "Save Whitlock having to hunt them down wouldn't it?"

"I'm not talking about squirrels and shit, Emmett. I'm talking about bears and things with sharp teeth that even you can't fight."

Emmett winked at Bella, who'd gone a little pale.

"Are you telling me I can't fight a bear?"

Edward leaned over him and clipped him smartly around the back of the head.

"You can't fight a fucking bear. Jesus! What's wrong with you?"

Rubbing his head and pouting slightly Emmett replied, "Like a challenge?"

With an exasperated sigh, Edward threw himself flat on his back again.

"God give me strength."

Emmett's deep laughter rumbled around the clearing as he went off to the rucksack to hunt for beer. Bella was suddenly feeling rather nervous and scooted closer to Alice and tugged at her jacket sleeve.

"Alice, there aren't really any bears here are there?"

Alice, who was now sitting cross-legged with her eyes closed, shook her newly shaven head.

"Don't ask me. Bears are on a totally different wave-length."

"Oh great!" she said, panicked, "so now not only are we going to half freeze, sleep on the ground and live on skinned squirrel for a weekend, we're going to be eaten in our crappy substitutes for beds? Thanks Alice, couldn't you have just gone to yoga and the hairdressers like anybody else?"

"Bella," said Edward soothingly, "Bella it's going to be fine. We're too close to the city for bears." He smiled up at her from the ground and her panic screeched to a halt so that her whole brain could concentrate on admiring him.

"It's very unlikely that there'll be bears, Bella," piped up Jasper, returning to the clearing sans rope trap, "but that's no reason to neglect good camping etiquette."

Emmett presented each of them with a beer and rolled his eyes.

"Are you sure you're not with the wrong Cullen, Whitlock?"

Alice stuck her tongue out at Emmett without opening her eyes, but she smiled softly again as soon as Jasper came to sit behind her and kissed her head. Bella wondered if he'd known she was going for the Sinead O'Conner look beforehand.

"I'm happy with the way things are, thanks. No offence, Edward."

"None taken," said Edward, "you're not really my type."

"Well I dunno," said Emmett, cracking open his own can, "you are with Bella."

Bella chucked her book at his head; he ducked. Edward sat up with a scowl.

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

Bella had pretty much managed to give up getting offended by Emmett, his total lack of tact was sort of endearing in a painful way, but she was prepared to fake offence if it got Edward all riled up in her defence. He looked good angry. Alice opened her eyes just long enough to give Bella a 'watch this' wink. Emmett shuffled uncomfortably.

"Well, you know. You used to bring home all those hot, blonde, rich sorts."

Bella stiffened, but tried not to look pained. Emmett didn't mean it; Emmett said whatever popped into his head. No need to get all upset about it, especially since Edward appeared to be upset enough for the both of them.

"I didn't bring them home," he spat, "they followed me. I think Mom was paying them in the hopes I might f-" he looked at Bella and swallowed heavily, "– like one of them."

"Ah yes," said Alice, swaying dreamily and sipping at her beer, "the fan girls. How could I forget? I didn't like them, you know." she said the last to Bella in an aside of sorts. Alice's approval was paramount in all things, after all.

"So, didn't you like any of them?" leered Emmett suggestively. Jasper sighed at the innuendo, but Bella leant forward just enough to show everybody that she was interested in the answer.

"No," said Edward shortly, "they didn't appeal."

Emmett's eyebrows rose and he whistled lowly, "So you're saying that before Bella – you haven't liked anyone since –"

Alice coughed loudly, and Emmett stopped whatever he was about to say.

Instead he went for, "Dude."

"I thought you and Bella didn't like each other yet?" said Jasper, reaching over to tweak Bella's ponytail as he did so. Both Bella and Edward's faces turned puce; Alice lifted her hands to Edward's and pretended to warm them on his blush.

It wasn't like it wasn't the truth that she and Edward hadn't exactly moved past the brief kisses and snuggling stage, but Bella had thought that she could confide in Jasper without him spilling secrets like, well, like Alice did. Annoying pixie was obviously catching. Emmett's face fell. He looked distraught.

"Bella," he said in a low, patronising voice, "do you have any idea how long it's been for him? Blue balls, Bella. Blue balls."

Bella's face was obviously on fire; there was no way it could feel this hot otherwise.

"Don't look at me," she hissed.

Emmett turned his horrified face to Edward.

"Twelve years? Twelve years and you won't –" he clutched at his chest and began writhing about, "that's it. You've killed me man. I'm dead. You happy?"

"Shut. Up." spat Edward.

Shocked at what Emmett seemed to be suggesting, and since her habit of taking things personally hadn't yet subsided, Bella looked at Edward aghast. He wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Oh go on." said Alice, leaning back into Jasper's embrace, "say it, Bella. Have the row. Go on, say it."

Edward put his head in his hands.

"I'll say it for you!" crowed Emmett. He put on a ridiculously high-pitched voice. "Do I repulse you? Am I covered in boils? Do I bear a more than passing resemblance to your Gran?"

Edward groaned but didn't show his face. Bella took another large swig of beer.

"Thanks, Emmett. You make me sound like the least sexy person on Earth."

Emmett tutted and shook his head sympathetically, "Now Bells, that's not true. Have you seen Jackie Stallone recently?"

"Seriously Emmett, do you have a book of these lines or something? Backhanded Compliments for the Terminally Plain?"

Edward dragged his hands down his face and sighed.

"Enough, alright? It's none of your business, Emmett. You are more beautiful than you will ever understand, Bella. The only person who's terminally anything here is McCarty if he doesn't learn to shut his mouth."

Bella blushed again as Edward moved around Alice and Jasper to sit besides her and pull her into his side.

"Aw. Cute." said Alice with a smile.

"Adorable," said Jasper, "like being in seventh grade all over again."

Emmett hollered with laughter and the two of them high-fived over Alice's head. Edward buried his face in Bella's hair to kiss her head, and to whisper "We'll talk about it later" into her ear.

That sounded like a conversation Bella could live without.

Many, many cans of beer later Bella found herself balancing on her right hand and left foot perilously close to the campfire with Emmett's bulk precariously balanced over her.

"How do you do it?" wailed Alice from the sidelines, "How is somebody so uncoordinated so good at Twister?"

"Fear!" squealed Bella as Emmett's backside hovered uncomfortably close to her face, "Spin! Spin!"

"Right foot on red!" called Jasper, who was having far too much fun sitting out of the game. It was making up for his disappointment at failing to catch a squirrel in his trap, although the others had all been secretly pleased, even Alice. As she had put it, how did you peel a squirrel?

As Bella tried to twist her body to align her foot with where it was supposed to go, Emmett began shaking with uncontrollable laughter.

"I can't do it!" he choked out from above her, "Man down, man! Man down!"

The great mass of Emmett began wobbling, and Bella, with an unusual amount of dexterity and self-preservation, managed to roll out from underneath him and was saved from accidental self-immolation by Edward. Emmett hit the ground with a thump, and then leapt to his feet with a whoop.

"Yeah! Victory to McCarty!"

"It hardly counts, Emmett," said Bella, rubbing at her hip where she'd hit the ground, "I couldn't exactly let you fall on me. You'd be taking me home in a jar."

"Hey!" Emmett pouted, "I resent the implication! Plus you know I wouldn't really fall on you, right?"

"You were faking! You cheating –"

"Emmett is a consummate cheat," snarled Edward with rather more venom than Bella thought was necessary, "mostly because he really fucking hates to lose."

Emmett held his hands up in mock surrender.

"Hey man, chill. I wasn't going to squash her. Maybe she liked having a man over her for once, am I right Bella?"

Edward growled, and for a moment Bella thought he was actually going to launch himself at Emmett like some kind of wild animal. Luckily, before blood was shed, Alice spoke up.

"Boys. Stop it. Emmett, stop being annoying. Edward, stop being such an overprotective dickwad."

Bella couldn't hide a smile at how much Alice sounded like Esme.

With an extravagant roll of his eyes, Emmett stretched and nodded in the direction of his tent.

"Small speaks sense. I'm going to bed before one of us goes in the fire." He winked at Edward, "And buddy, it wouldn't be me."

Exasperated, Edward groaned and threw a twig at Emmett's head, which Emmett then caught and crushed with his hand. Alice and Jasper 'oohed' appreciatively.

"Go to bed, you freak," said Edward.

Emmett pointed his finger at each of them in turn and turned for his tent with a call of "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Unable to help it, Bella blushed.

"Us too!" said Alice, leaping to her feet and dragging Jasper up with her. He folded the twister mat back into its box and tucked it under his arm.

"Do I want to know what you're going to do with that?" asked Edward.

"No," said Alice with a toss of her nearly-bald head, "probably not. But if the tent's a rocking…"

She skipped off to one of the two remaining tents, Jasper faithfully following behind.

To avoid looking at Edward, or the tent they now had to share, Bella stared at the floor as Edward doused the fire.

She didn't feel any less awkward when they were laying side by side in separate sleeping bags, both concentrating on the ceiling of the tent like it held the answer to the meaning of life.

"So," Bella started, feeling brave on account of the beers, "is this weird, stilted conversation time?"

"Emmett should have kept his mouth shut. Sorry about that."

"No, no. I mean, I don't mind. But obviously you do mind, and I don't want you to feel bad, and it's really none of his business…"

"Bella…"

"Sorry," she shuffled further down into her sleeping bag, "Emmett should have kept his mouth shut. And so should I."

"Bella," Edward rolled onto his side to face her, and she turned her head so that they were eye to eye, "I have… issues. But they're for me to work through. They're no reflection on you, you know that right?"

Bella blinked rapidly and tried to slow her breathing down. How did it suddenly get so hot in here?

"R-Right." she said.

Edward grinned, and his eyes shone weirdly bright in the dark of the tent, "Good. Because I promise if you hold on for me, I'll make it worth your wait."

It was hours before Bella managed to sleep.

Somewhere.

Feet hurt. Feet goddamn hurt. Goddamn it.

The problem with hitch-hiking almost a hundred and fifty miles was that you were pretty damn reliant on the driver to drop you somewhere that wasn't the boondocks. Rosalie had been lucky; not many people would pick up somebody that looked like she did by that time and those that did may have been as bad as what she was running away from in the first place. Getting as far as the outskirts of Seattle itself without being killed was an achievement in itself, so it was really rather ungrateful of her to curse the names of the chirpy old couple who'd dropped her at the end of the trail they were planning to hike.

Still, she'd been walking for twenty four hours straight now with no sign of civilisation. Hell, she'd be pleased to see some mad old mountain man at this point, especially if he was any good with feet.

Now, she was starting to hallucinate. It had got dark hours ago, or it felt like hours at least, but she'd trudged on hoping to spot somewhere to sleep, or, even better, someway of getting back to Seattle before she turned into a mountain man herself. Exhausted, she'd started to believe that she was actually going round in circles, which was ridiculous as this was a proper trail and she'd been obsessively careful about stepping off it. Then, in the far distance, she'd thought she had spotted the glare of a fire. She'd felt like dancing, till her feet complained, and had set off towards it with enthusiasm she hadn't thought she could possess. A fire meant people, people meant the chance of food and a ride to the city, and the city meant a foot spa. God, what she wouldn't do for a foot spa.

Then, the fire had disappeared. Of course it had. People dying of thirst in the desert saw an oasis in mirages; she saw fire and the prospect of foot spas. She was going crazy, wasn't she? It was too dark to see her footing now, and out of fear of stepping off the trail and getting really lost she flopped down and leaned against the closest tree.

Sending a quiet prayer up to a god she'd never really believed in that she wasn't sleeping in poison ivy, shattered, starving and blistered, Rosalie slept.

Next time: Things come to a head. Every silver lining has a cloud, after all.

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