I promised a one shot of Mulch X Cuddy, for some reason I find the pairing ridiculously cute. So here it is, please enjoy and don't hate me!

Mulch did not know how to handle this... this... thing.

"If I were Arty I'm sure he would know the word I'm looking for."

Predicament.

"THAT is the word! There we go, score one for Mr Diggums... I just hope I can keep up this kind of confidence." For all the times Mulch like to talk about what a strapping and handsome dwarf he was, he was also a solitary soul. Sneaking into mud people's houses, stealing their belongings and then fencing them once he got back to the Lower Elements. Yes, for Mulch Diggums life was simple.

"Look out for number 1, you'll always be safe if you look out for number 1. That's my motto and I'm sticking to it. I'm outta here." Mulch almost left. Almost being the key word. He couldn't leave. He had his hand on the door handle, one turn and he could leave the building and pretend he had never been there. But the handle wouldn't turn. Mulch though for a moment that maybe the door was damaged somehow until he realized it was just fine.

He just couldn't bring himself to leave. He wanted to stay there. In the house that belonged to another, he wanted to stay. He was there uninvited true, this was the way he was in most mud people houses. But in this one...

"I want to stay. I've gone loco, I actually want to stay." He felt like Holly, fawning over a mud boy. Okay, two things made this very different to Mulch. 1. Mulch was a LOT more honest with his emotions than Holly and so was not in denial like her. And 2. He was certainly not fawning over a mud boy, a mud woman would be far more accurate. Unlike Holly, he for one was not a pedophile.

"Arty would want me to look at the situation... Okay, I'm in the house of the woman I'm nuts about. I came in here uninvited. She's still sleeping in her bed and probably unaware that I'm here. If my past visits are any indication her alarm clock will sound in a few more minutes..." Mulch considered what he had just said. "If my past visits are any indication... Wow I've got it bad. I'll be lucky if she doesn't call the cops. The things we do for love...... Again, I've got it bad."

Mulch didn't know why, maybe it was karma from all the times he swiped things, but every time he did anything in the past couple of years he managed to somehow get the short end of the stick. He actually was rich for a time, only to lose it all and end up working for the mob, only to eventually escape and actually get all of his arrests nullified... Then when things were looking relatively safe he decides again to help Artemis Fowl and subsequently falls right back into danger on a regular basis again.

Now he was breaking nearly every law in the fairy Book, not that he hadn't already done so numerous times before. "Cuddy... Or rather Lisa, this would be a lot less awkward if I were taller. Maybe a few feet taller and armed with a bit more than an armful of chocolates... If I run, does that make me a coward? That's never stopped me before... Off I go!" Mulch began to bolt for the door when he heard a sound. Cuddy's alarm clock.

She was awake.

The goddess of love, the woman who put Aphrodite to shame and... and... some other really pretty goddess to flight... Had awakened. Mulch's little dwarf heart sang as he heard her getting up from her bed...

Cuddy had a headache. Not a bad one, just a dull throbbing. She did not feel good. She had to fart.

"Ahhhh.... I'm glad nobody heard that." She spoke to herself as she pulled herself up and out of bed. She stepped out into her living room and made her way to the kitchen and the refrigerator. She grabbed a bottle of spring water... Fairy spring water that Mulch had given to her the day before actually. As she drank some of it, she noticed her headache subsided somewhat.

"Maybe I should ask Mulch for some more of this, it's really, really good." Lisa's thoughts trailed back to the dwarf. He was short and simple. If he were taller, maybe a bit cleaner and maybe bit more refined (Human wouldn't be a bad trait to possess either), he would be the perfect date for her. Unlike House, Wilson, Chase and Foreman, Mulch seemed like about the only male she could seem to trust.

He had no pretenses or lies to hide behind, no dark secrets to hide. And best of all he was sweet. He was well aware what he looked like and sounded like and he frankly just didn't care. The opposite of House in nearly every regard. Cuddy sat down at her table and drank some more of her water. "How many bad dates am I going to have before I admit there is no man living on the face of the Earth that I will be satisfied with? Maybe men living under the surface of the Earth are a bit better." Cuddy chuckled a bit at her own thought. She then looked up.

Mulch looked down. He was actually sticking to the ceiling, trying to give his best smile and offer her a heart shaped box. Cuddy was a bit shocked, but the sight was so cute she couldn't help but laugh. Mulch detached himself from the ceiling and tried to speak. He tried very hard, tried being the key word here. He failed to speak, so Cuddy spoke for him. "Thank you Mulch, this is very sweet of you, in a slightly creepy sort of way..." Finally Mulch spoke, voice and hands shaking: "Date. You date? Me too. I date. Can we date? Maybe? Be brutal but don't hit. I don't wanna bother you if you're not interested in the whole interspecies thing."

Cuddy stared at Mulch in surprise. Mulch immediately tried to take back what he said. "I didn't mean that! I didn't mean it! Don't answer... I'm drunk. Yea, I'm drunk! TOTALLY wasted. I don't even know what I'm saying." Mulch started to run but stopped himself. He wouldn't run. He was a coward by nature, but nature doesn't have to determine everything. Mulch's face became resolute as he started to take back his attempt at taking back what he had already said.

"I take back that last part. I... I..... I meant what I said before, you know, about me possibly dating you, if you're interested. If not tell me and I'll leave you alone. I'm not good at this and I know it's a weird idea but I'm asking you to give me a chance. If you're willing, no pressure." Mulch's chin hair acted strangely, something really.... something was about to happen. It might be good or bad but something.

Cuddy sat in her chair, looking the blushing, standing dwarf in the eyes.

"What harm could it do?" She asked herself.

"He's sweet, honest, kind, he even took a bath and combed his weird hair. He's trying... He deserves a chance at the very least." Cuddy finished her conversation with herself and finally nodded at Mulch with an amused smile. Mulch actually leaped with joy and then gave Cuddy a hug. After that he stuck to her like glue. He finally came unstuck after she gave him some of her leftover spring water.

I hope this scene is as cute as I wanted it to be, being a male that does not date I have difficulty writing this sort of item. I will finish and post the scene with House reflecting on Artemis soon, it is nearly finished. For some reason I love this pairing and I can't think of a good reason why. Anybody else have any thoughts on this? This will peobably continue as a side story.