Again there was a switch in scenes and the six occupants of the cinema went back to watching the screen, an unspoken truce between them that stated they would forget any weird comments made by Sirius until that moment. Now the camera focused on the Golden Trio walking out of the castle with an enormous pendulum swinging in the background.
"Beautiful day, isn't it?"
"Gorgeous. Unless of course you've been ripped to pieces."
"Ripped to pieces? What are you talking about?"
James smirked. "Remember that old hat Ron used to wear? Horrible jersey he's wearing, by the way."
"Yeah?" replied Sirius.
"Ronald has lost his rat."
"I haven't! Your cat killed him!"
"So much for hats, Jim," commented Sirius. "Could be Peter's cousin who died and you're making fun of it!"
Peter bristled. "I'm human, Sirius," he chimed.
"Be quiet, Padfoot," chastised James. "Remember we agreed not to break the truth on him until he was old enough?"
Sirius tilted his head to the side in confusion. Then he got it and his eyes widened. "You're right! Oh Christ in a dinghy! What have I done?"
Remus looked scandalized and covered Peter's ears with his hands. "Quiet, both of you! Let's just pretend nothing happened, and Pete might get over it."
Peter struggled to free himself from Remus and listen clearly to their conversation, but Remus held fast.
"I mean," continued Remus, "look at what you have already done to him. Probably killed a couple hundred neurons in his brain…"
Sirius grimaced. "But a rat's brain can't have over a hundred neurons to begin with, Moony!"
"HUSH!" cried James, placing a hand over his best friend's mouth. "Do you want to scar him for life? Oh! Look at the pretty rock, Petey!" he said suddenly, pointing at the screen. "Like that?"
Remus let go of Peter's ears and they turned to the screen. Peter's eyes widened at the huge rocks skimming over the surface of the lake. "I've always wanted to do that! But each time I tried the rocks would sink…"
The other three boys rolled their eyes and moved on to the conversation between Hagrid and the trio… speaking of some hearing.
"… said how Buckbeak was a good Hipogriff, always cleaned his feathers. And then Lucius Malfoy stood up. He said Buckbeak was a dangerous creature…"
"… that likes attacking petty snakes with bleached hair," completed James condescendingly. The other three laughed.
"Bleached?"
"Haven't you seen Malfoy's hair? It's like a bloody beacon."
"I swear all that bleach must be harmful…"
"Well, I'm hoping it is…"
All four laughed again.
"He asked for the worst then."
"They're not sacking you!"
"No, I'm not sacked."
Sirius let out a sigh of relief and sat back, sipping his drink. "Well, at least we've got that."
"Buckbeak's been sentenced to death!"
Sirius spit most of the liquid in his mouth in shock, and showered James with it.
"WHAT!"
James looked too disgusted to reply, but Remus sighed. "What else could we expect from a Malfoy?"
"He's a bloody rat!" claimed Sirius. "An accursed son of a-no, wait, a son of a nobody because he has no mother! Filthy little crawling creature from the bowels of-" Sirius then set himself the task of coming up with as many insults as he could to describe the Slytherin, none of them pretty but Nobel-like in creativity.
James, grumbling under his breath, was about to reach for his wand and wipe off the mess Sirius had made of him, and then he remembered the Muggle couple behind them and cursed. "Moony, you got anything I can clean myself with?"
"Huh?" said Remus, looking back from the screen. The camera was now touring the halls of Hogwarts castle in the middle of the night, as well as the Gryffindor common room.
James was tapping his fingers on the armrest while Sirius still went on cursing. "A tissue? You got any?"
"-and then I'll carve out his heart with a spoon! But not any spoon, no! A spoon that's already rusty and particularly blunt edged so he feels the pain! And then-"
"Here you go, Prongs," said Peter, offering him one of his own tissues.
James pulled a face. "No thanks, Wormtail…" he said, staring suspiciously at a dark spot smeared across the white cloth. "I'll take Moony's, but thanks all the same."
Peter shrugged and Moony chuckled as James took the hanky from Remus' hand.
"-and pull it out, twist in a knot and put it back in through his-"
"Right, Pads, that's quite enough," said Remus.
Sirius put up his hands. "No, no, no, Moony… this is a good one, don't interrupt… where was I? Ah, yes! And I'll put it back in through his-"
Remus sighed and winced in horror when Sirius proceeded to describe all manners of torture that he wanted to put Lucius through.
James finished wiping his face and frowned at Sirius. "Really, mate, that's enough… let's watch the film now."
"-and finally I'll make him eat a toad infected with the Black Death!"
Sirius' last sentence brought about a ringing silence, his heavy breathing the only sound in the entire cinema.
James and Remus exchanged awkward glances and turned back to the screen. Harry was looking through the Marauder's Map.
"Spiders! There's-There's spiders. Spiders. They want me to tap-dance. I don't wanna tap-dance!"
"You tell those spiders, Ron!"
"Yeah! Yeah… I'll—I'll tell them…"
The four blinked at the now snoring redhead. James was the first to recover.
"That was… eh…"
Remus scratched the back of his head.
"Random?" suggested Sirius.
"That's the one! Does that label say Peter Pettigrew!"
Peter choked on his popcorn.
"But, isn't he supposed to be dead?" cried Sirius.
"He will be, if someone doesn't thump him on his back," warned Remus. "He's freaking choking on that yellow stuff."
James' breath caught in his throat before he began hitting Peter's back. The smaller boy heaved and spat out a dab of pink… something.
Sirius recoiled at the sight of it. "That's disgusting! Who spits out their own brain, for Merlin's sake!"
James furrowed his nose as he studied the gooey pink stuff from afar. "Ew, Wormtail. I didn't know brains could be so small… or could be choking hazards, for that matter."
Remus slapped his forehead. "That's not his brain, you brainless idiots. You could never spit out a brain. It has no connection whatsoever to the throat. The ancient Egyptians-"
"Moony," cut Sirius, still looking quite disgusted. "If this has to do with mummies and organs I certainly don't want to hear it."
"But it's fascinating!" insisted Remus, looking at Peter wheeze. "They used to take this hook-like tool and stick it into the body's nose and-"
"Moony!"
Remus lifted his arms in mock surrender. "Peace! I didn't know you had such a weak stomach, Padfoot."
"He doesn't," chirped James. "He's just got mummy issues, get it?"
Sirius slapped him over the head and Remus laughed.
"Stop making fun of my boggart, Potter!"
James smirked at him. "How could I?"
"Film?" croaked Peter. His throat was still raw from choking on 'his brain'. "Please? There's a slight chance I might be alive and I want to know if I am."
"But if you're alive…" contemplated Sirius, "… then who the blazes did I kill?" he asked, as they watched snoring portraits being showered with light from Harry's wand, who had gotten up to investigate.
James shrugged. "Dunno. You could have killed a rat disguised as Wormtail here. The similarities are striking. But really… what is that stuff that came from your mouth?"
Peter mumbled something to the floor.
"Didn't catch that?"
"I said bubblegum," confessed Peter. "I tried eating popcorn with it in my mouth, and I swallowed the whole thing."
The other three gave him odd looks.
"Ew?" said Sirius. He shuddered and his eyes went back to the screen.
"Ew, indeed," agreed James, following his best friend's example.
Back on screen, Harry was staring at a dark corridor that seemed to be completely empty. But, of course, it was dark so….
Sirius screamed.
James, Remus and Peter jumped out of their skins.
"What?" cried James. "What is it?"
Sirius sniffed. "Nothing. Just thought I should add to the suspense."
The other three groaned and James scowled at his friend.
On screen, Harry was looking back at the Marauder's Map with increasing alarm. It showed Peter's footprints getting closer to his own little feet, but the corridor continued to be deserted.
"Feel the tension!"
"Sirius! For Christ's sake shut up!"
"I can't help it!"
"You're pathetic…"
"Come on, Harry, be brave!"
"Kick that rat's furry arse!"
"Hey!"
"Sorry, Pete," apologized Remus. "I got caught up in the moment."
"This is creepy!" announced Sirius, as the music got closer to a crescendo.
"Sirius, behind you!"
"What!" cried Sirius, turning around and staring wildly in every direction. "Who's there? Show yourself!"
Remus let his face fall into is hands. "Sirius, I was kidding. There's nothing behi-"
Sirius shrieked. "This is a conspiracy, isn't it? Who are you? What have you done to Moony?"
On screen, Harry was turning around, looking out for Pettigrew and instead yelled when he saw his own reflection on a mirror.
James and Sirius screamed. Peter hid his face behind his popcorn. Remus let his head fall onto his arms rest. Repeatedly.
"He's still there!" Sirius called to on-screen-Harry, who was looking wildly around as Pettigrew had just passed him. "He was just behind me a moment ago! Find him, Harry! Save me!"
James dug his fingernails into his armrests. "Sirius, he's in the film. He couldn't possibly be behind you."
"But Moony said-"
"Merlin's Y-fronts," groaned Remus. "A moment ago I was an impostor!"
Sirius nodded. "And a very good one, at that."
"What?"
"Look!" cried James, pointing at the screen. "Peter's turning the corner."
Peter looked taken-aback. "I'm right here!"
James growled. "Not you you. You!" he said, pointing at the screen.
"But I-"
"Oh, spare me," grumbled Remus, sinking into his seat.
"Watch it there, boy."
"We're trying to sleep here!"
"Yes, we are!"
The camera focused back on the map and on Pettigrew's escaping little footprints, leading the tag with his name away from Harry's.
"Going… going…" mumbled Sirius. "Gone!" he cried at last, making the other three jump.
James growled. "Padfoot was it really necessary to- Snivellus!"
Sirius looked around wildly. "What? Where! Is he here? Is it contagious?"
Remus hit the other boy across the top of his head. "On the film, Padfoot! His name's on the map!"
On screen, Harry whirled around to stare into the darkness and muttered, "Mischief Managed. Nox!" and the screen was left in complete darkness for a moment…
"You know…" mused Remus. "I think he might just make it…"
… and then it lit up again thanks to the tip of Snape's wand.
"… or maybe not," finished Sirius dryly.
"Potter! What are you doing wandering the corridors at night?"
"Why, waiting for you, darling, of course," replied Sirius in a squeaky, definitely girlish, voice. "Remember that moonlit walk by the lake you promised me?"
James turned green and turned to look at Sirius with repulsion. "What in the sweet name of Merlin is wrong with you!"
"You know," said Peter. "Snivellus coming from the dark like that just reinforces the theory that he's really a bat."
Remus shook his head. "All this insanity and now Peter saying smart comments... I swear nothing will ever surprise me again!"
"I was sleepwalking."
Sirius, Remus and Peter burst out laughing and James seethed.
"It's a perfectly valid excuse!" he cried in Harry's defence.
"How extraordinarily like your father you are, Potter."
Remus chuckled. "For once I have to agree with Snivellus," he said. "Remember that time, Sirius, when James woke us all up in the middle of the night because he fell down the stairs?"
Sirius roared with laughter. "Yes, yes! He was dreaming Lily was trapped in a castle, and he had to ride a niffler and go rescue her! Too bad the niffler couldn't carry you down the stairs, eh Jim?" he added, elbowing James with an evil smirk.
"And then he got up and tried to climb the stairs to the girls' dorm, remember?" piped up Peter. "He thought the Giant Squid was guarding the entrance!"
Sirius wiped a tear off his eye. "Away ye scoundrel!'" he cried, repeating sleepwalking-James' dialogue to the sound of Remus' laughter. "Ye evil poof won't stop me! Nothing will stand between-"
James slapped a hand over Sirius' mouth and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please spare me the details!" he begged.
"He, too, was exceedingly arrogant, strutting about the castle."
"My dad didn't strut. And neither do I."
Sirus laughed against James' hand and James grimaced.
"Arry fobsly int ow yew!" cried Sirius through James' fingers.
James raised his eyebrows and asked, "What did you say?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Ah seh-"
James took his hand off Sirius' mouth and hit him on the back of his head. "Wait until my hand's off, you idiot!"
Sirius scowled at him and rubbed the back of his head. "I said: Harry obviously didn't know you!"
"Which side are you on?" snapped James.
"The winning one," replied Sirius with a winning smile.
James was about to strangle him when they heard Snape's voice again and froze.
"Turn out your pockets."
"Son of a banshee," muttered Remus slowly. "He's going to find the map!"
"No he won't," said Peter uncertainly. "He can't… right?"
James shook his head confidently. "We protected it too well. He's wasting his time," he assured them, watching Harry pull out the offending parchment.
"What's this?"
"Spare piece of parchment."
"Really? Open it."
On screen, Harry obliged and Snape put the tip of his wand on the paper.
"Reveal your secrets."
At once, spidery handwriting began stretching across the parchment, forming words that the public didn't quite have time to read.
"Read it," ordered Snape.
"Oh boy…" mumbled Remus, biting his lip.
"Hold your blasphemous tongue, Moony," said James, biting the inside of his cheek nonetheless.
"Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs…"
"That's us!" cried Sirius happily.
"Shhh!" hushed him the other three.
"… offer their compliments to professor Snape and…"
James tilted his head to the side. "Why did he stop?"
"Go on," prompted Snape.
Harry looked up and raised his eyebrows at Snape. "And request he keeps his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
The four marauders roared with laughter and slapped each other's backs in congratulations.
"Oh my god, I love that map!" cried James breathlessly.
Sirius couldn't speak –he was laughing too hard- but agreed with James whole-heartedly.
"You insolent little-"
"Professor!"
"Oh no," moaned Remus, turning back to the screen.
The other three laughed some more.
"Da-da-da-daaaa! The child-catcher comes to the rescue!" yelled Sirius, collapsing into another fit of hysterical giggles.
"Well, well. Lupin."
James snickered. "The walking 'tash makes his appearance! Just in time, too, Moony old pal."
Remus grumbled something on the back of his throat and threw his supposed friends a killing glare.
"Harry. You okay?"
On-screen Harry nodded.
"That remains to be seen," drawled Snape, suddenly reaching forward and snatching the map out of Harry's hands. "I have now just confiscated a rather curious artefact from Mr. Potter."
"No shit, Sherlock!" gasped Sirius with mock surprise. "Considering you so rudely snatched it from Harry a mere millisecond ago, I'd say you just confiscated it, yes!"
The others laughed.
"Take a look, Lupin. Supposed to be your area of expertise."
Remus sniggered. "You have no idea…"
"Clearly it's full of Dark Magic."
"I seriously doubt it, Severus," said on-screen Remus with a smirk. "It looks to me like it's just a parchment designed to insult anyone who tries to read it."
"Among other things," added Remus, nodding at his counterpart approvingly.
Sirius, James and Peter gave him disbelieving glances.
"Did you just finish one of 'tashman's phrases, Moony?"
Moony opened his mouth to reply and froze, a horrified expression taking over. "Ow, sweet Merlin… what is wrong with me!"
"Nevertheless, I shall investigate any hidden qualities it may posses. It is, after all, as you say, my area of expertise. Harry would you come with me, please? Professor, good night."
James sat up in his seat. "No Harry! Don't listen to him! He's the child-catcher! Get away from him!"
Remus settled for rubbing his temples irritably. "This is getting a bit old, don't you think?"
The other three laughed. "Never!"